Do I Tell AH where I'm at if I go to Al Anon
 

Brief story: I'm an alcoholic, sober for two years and two months. My AH has progressed in his alcoholism and is verbally abusive. Last night he was raging about my not having purchased his favorite brand of cereal, and that I am not justified in asking him to do dishes on Mother's Day or help bring groceries in because I am not sleeping with him.

I know it sounds crazy, but I am terrified he can kick me out because I'm not "a proper wife" and that I'll be destitute.

I have a good full-time job and benefits, but for some reason, after these very scary tirades and then him being so scary sitting alone in the dark that I am afraid to go to sleep - I just feel - paralyzed.

I found an Al Anon meeting near my house and want to go. IF I tell him, which he'll expect to know where I'm at as the meeting is a 7pm, he will be SO MAD and I'm scared.

How do you handle this?

If it were me, my very first move would be to call a domestic violence center and ask for some help. It doesn't sound like a very safe situation to be in. And TBH, your husband (from the way it sounds in your post) isn't a very nice person.

(((( gentle hugs ))))

How do I handle this? Prayer and reaching out for help. I started with Alanon and later reached out to domestic violence help centers as I became aware of the abusive relationships in my life.

Pray. Listen. Go with your gut. Stay safe.

You're asking good questions. There have been times when my co-workers asked where I was and I'm comfortable now with saying, meeting with friends. Are you in AA? Perhaps it was suffice to honestly say you're going to a Step Meeting, or 12-step meeting.

He's drunk when he rages, but even when sober, he feels really, really pissed off because I am not sleeping with him.

I don't know how to articulate this - but - is it my fault for not sleeping with him? If I were a "proper wife", would he be happier and more open to stop drinking? The thought of sleeping with him is not appealing at all, because he's mean to me.

I get how this looks on paper. God. I swear I'm smart in other areas of my life.

if he were a proper husband he wouldnt be a controlling, abusive,angry asshat with a wife that doesnt want to sleep in the same bed.
this has NOTHING to do with being a proper wife.

I want to go to an Al Anon meeting next Tuesday night, near our house.

Our son graduates from high school on May 25.

This is a nightmare. I feel so alone and without options. He is really sweet to people outside the home - my own mother doesn't really truly believe me, I think. I feel insane.

Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

I understand that insane feeling. I understand the "show" that is put on for other people. I grew up in that kind of situation. It is very scary.

It is not your fault.

madgirl, it's your body and yours alone. You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable doing for ANYONE else's sake.

There is NOTHING that you can do to make him "happier" or get him to stop drinking. Please free yourself from thinking that is your burden. Happiness is an inside job.

To that end, focus on what you can do to take care of YOU. If you are concerned about his reaction to your going to Al-Anon, then don't tell him. It's for YOU, not about HIM.

And please consider calling a domestic violence help line. I know you want to tell yourself it's not that bad...but it's bad, madgirl and you need help before it gets worse.

Sending big hugs.

Madgirl, congratulations on your sobriety. You are important. You have a birthright to be happy, free and joyful.

https://i.imgur.com/llsalDS.jpg

Was I wrong to ask him to do the dishes on Mother's Day because I'm not sleeping with him and a proper wife? I'm a really good mother, especially these last two years -

What really threw him over the edge was when I told him he could have stopped to pick up his brand of cereal as he had time to stop and buy vodka - that threw him into a very scary place

One has nothing to do with the other.

You get to ask for help. He gets to say "No.", if he wants. He does not have the right to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

You have the right to not sleep with him. "No." is a complete sentence. It needs no explanation.

Are you able to make a phone call to a local domestic violence help center?

Does he consider himself a “proper husband?”

He hasn't been physically violent. No one would believe me - I'm telling you - outsiders think he hung the moon and that he dotes on me. My sister gets it, though.

We have a beautiful house, and a full finished basement. My parents have no money and I am anticipating needing to look after them when they can't live alone anymore.

If I called a domestic abuse hotline, he could throw me out.

My story: My husband considers himself to be a proper husband. I still get the right to not sleep with him. One day at a time, for any length of time it becomes. This is a life changing experience I'm going through in my recovery. I'm not currently ready for a physically intimate relationship, even with this man I am married to.

I have tried countless times to explain to him that you can't bully a woman into falling in love, it doesn't work.

Use the phone at work, use a friend's phone, use your sister's phone, use a payphone (if you can find one).

We are here with you. For you.

You're reaching out. This is a good thing.

This can be a dangerous time during an abusive relationship.

The phone call to a help center can help keep you safe. It is completely confidential.

Some centers have a weekly meeting, often at a safe house with a secret location. Being able to visit these places has surrounded me with layers of safety I needed, when I didn't know I needed this.

So if call a center, they'll ..... give me advice? Tell me to come to a shelter?

What if people think I'm overreacting to an argument? And maybe secretly think that's what she gets for not sleeping with her husband?

if youre referring to people on a DV hotline or DV center,
not gonna happen.

Well none of us here think that, so that's a start.

Here's a self assessment:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/dom...motional-abuse

Please contact a DV hotline, he may not be beating you physically but he is emotionally abusive and you don’t feel safe. That’s just as much abuse as physical. But since you cannot see physical evidence poeple tend to worry about it less (including the people being abused emotionally).
I think alanon would be helpful but I also think that individual counseling might me much better right now. Anyway you can go to counseling or alanon during your work day?
As are manipulative and often tend to be wonderful people to the outside world while at home things are much different (actually I think that goes for a lot of abusers in general). That doesn’t mean it isn’t happening to you and that you fear for your safety. DV center can help you take the right steps.
And you’re not sleeping with him because he’s not a proper husband, not because you’re not a proper wife. Don’t let him gaslight you. You shouldn’t have had to ask him about doing the dishes on mother’s day. He should’ve done that without being asked. Nothing you did or said was unreasonable at all. He’s just making you believe it and doubt yourself (gaslighting).
This isn’t going to get better, it will only get worse. If you fear for your safety if you go to an alanon meeting or contact a DV violence çenter then you are not safe. Please take care of yourself. The threats and emotional abuse is exactly why so many people stay in abusive relationships, because they fear what happens to them when they finally take a stand. That’s why it is so important for you to contact DV hotline, they can help you. Call from work/ a friend house etc. You can’t keep living like this. You did nothing wrong. You got clean and sober and he probably doesn’t like that because now you see him for what he is.
You also can’t take care of your parents in your current situation. Everyone would be at risk.
I know this is really scary for you. Taking the first step will be hard but you deserve to not be afraid and be treated like crap. Do you have a friend you can confide in so someone knows what is going on?
Please call the hotline. You deserve better than this!

The scars of domestic violence are usually deeper than those from other types of trauma. Prolonged abuse that occurs in the home, the place where we are supposed to feel safe, leaves a different kind of scar.

For adult women and men who are or were in an abusive relationship with an intimate partner, domestic violence counseling offers help to:

Assess the lethality of the situation

Focus on developing and implementing a safety plan

Connect the victim/survivor with effective resources

Offer emotional support and domestic violence education

Abuse may be emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual. Counseling can be face-to-face with a counselor. Or, it can be in a support group for women with other abused women, facilitated by trained counselors. Some centers have groups or individual counseling for abused men.

All services are free of charge and confidential


Each time I called, I received understanding, kindness and acceptance. It took some time before I decided to meet with in person help. I wasn't judged or bullied about this.

No need to hurry. I was given all the time I needed on this journey. That was ultra-important. To learn to trust my own instincts. The listening of others who understood this greatly helped. I heard good information and options available to me.

I would personally go to the meeting and not tell him if that's possible. Can you say you're going to a friend's or something and have your friend cover for you? I will confess when I was still with my XRAH and he was actively drinking I 100% lied about where I was going when I went to meetings...and he wasn't abusive, but he was judgmental and would have annoyed me to death talking about how dumb it was so I didn't want the aggravation...normally lying of course isn't right but all the rules change when dealing with an active A spouse especially when they are emotionally abusive and scary.

I'd also call the DV hotline from a friend's phone if you think he's looking at your phone.....and yes they will definitely help you get a safe plan to leave.

I feel so terrified, and also off balance - a sense of unreality, if that makes any sense. This morning I woke up alone in my bed and in a rush it all came back to me and my first thought was that I need to smooth things over so things calm down. This is why I came here, to Friends and Family, because I read all of your posts and the fact that I immediately felt sick and stressed to try to return some "normalcy" seemed like other posters here -

I feel absolutely no cravings myself for alcohol, in fact, I am repulsed by it. Absolutely sickened by it. Just the sight of a clear glass full of ice cubes and clear liquid makes me feel panicky - because I know he's drinking, and the night will be unpredictable. If I'm lucky, he'll go to sleep while we're watching TV. If I'm unlucky - it's a night of grousing about politics and such. Last night I was especially over the edge because I'd been at a chemo center with a dear friend who has ovarian cancer, and she is worried about keeping her job and health insurance. When I got home I was upset about her situation and that got him fired up.

He told me that I am stupid and want to give everyone free healthcare, then started in on me about asking him to do dishes on Mother's Day, and that I didn't buy his favorite cereal. I explained to him that I'm not his employee - and he said I don't deserve any help because I am not a proper wife.

God. This looks so crazy when I type it out.

But the WORST part was - he was sitting in the front parlor with all of the lights off, a drink in hand. Not doing anything - just staring at me with a truly scary expression. I RAN upstairs and cleaned the bathrooms and carpets, then folded laundry. I snuck back downstairs and he was still there. I got the dogs and went upstairs, but I was afraid to go to sleep. He's never been physically violent, but for some reason I was really afraid of him last night.

When my 18 yo son got in from work around 11, he acted completely NORMAL. Friendly, happy. I could hear them laughing and talking from upstairs.

His anger was in secret. And it was directed at me.