How do you trust anyone again?
 

I'm asking this because I was replying to a thread recently where the ex-spouse of an addict/alcoholic was dating someone new, and wanted some opinions. So of course I jumped in and said, oh yes this is a red flag, that could also be a red flag... that over there, that blue flag sort of looks maroon... and all these flags are really red. Is it an exaggeration to say that my experience with an abusive addict has made me paranoid? Or is this level of caution "normal"?

I mean, normally, unless you have any reason to doubt someone, you believe the things they say. I had no reason to doubt my ex-spouse... and then I discovered years and years of lies. As soon as I broke my silence... and got a restraining order... he turned around and started spreading lies about me.

Ophelia.....I am wondering.....when you look back, now....do you recognize any signs or red flags that might have been there...before you found out that he had cheated? You know---the old thing of looking back with 20/20 vision......?

Not signs that he cheated, but he did tell me a lot of conflicting things about his exes... in hindsight. He also said conflicting things about his family... in hindsight. But the way he said those things, it was like a throw-away comment here or there, and I just brushed it off because it was about them and not me.

It's hard for me to "go back there" because of PTSD. If I think about everything that had happened, I felt that I was always compromising, and at the time I thought that I had to do it because he was ill (didn't know he was an addict not conventionally "sick" until I had been enmeshed for years).

Hi Ophelia,

I don't trust my brain. It misfires, it's been through a lot of abuse and often responds to scary things as no big deal, and to ordinary things as something to be scared of.

What brings me healing has been learning meditation and prayer. There are many ways to meditate and pray. My practice of these recovery skills has made a huge difference. I'm healing quickly. I see the changes. I also acknowledge and honor the trauma I've been through. My symptoms from the trauma are much smaller than they were a year ago. I am able to trust my intuition and my Higher Power now. It took time to allow that trust to build.

This is happening to me. Sometimes I feel anxious for no reason at all.

For me it's about trusting myself again first - not others. Self trust means I recognize those red flags earlier and act accordingly. Self trust means I trust that even if I make a "mistake", I trust myself to figure it out and fix it. I will always be there for Me.

With that component in place, it's up to others to prove their trustworthiness through their actions. Either way, I'm listening more intently to my gut tugs and putting far more faith into those than anything. Now that they are healthy and we are on the same team, they don't lie to me. I can trust them.

IMO You have to have a strong relationship with yourself if you want to develop one with another person, no matter what type of relationship it is. You can't give to others what you don't have for yourself - love, trust, respect.

I think my trust is shot at this point, both in many others, and myself.. and definitely the AW. It will take a long time before I ever get that back I think, if ever.

What FireSpirit said ^^^^^

The trust needs to be in yourself first. Build confidence in yourself that you can and will be able to make healthy decisions for yourself.

I do think that no matter how sick I became, I always had a twinge of seeing red flags. But I was very, very good at talking myself out of taking note of them, and dismissing them all together in the name of a good looking, fun guy liking me.

Its easy to silence those twinges when we don't look at them as OUR very important feelings. I don't know why our gut feelings got shoved to the bottom of our priority list...but I know it's not going to happen again. We can learn to really hear what others are saying to us, and to really listen to ourselves and our instincts on what they are saying to us.

That's not to say that people we love won't lie to us (we're all human)....but, I think we can minimize the extent and depth of the lies to us buy picking people around us that don't give us those 'this isn't right' twinges.

I'm with FireSprite and atalose. Build our own inner sense of safety, resources and trust within ourselves, stay true to our values and set boundaries if necessary and then the rest will follow.

yes, good strong boundaries....not handing over the keys to the kingdom right away.....keeping home, possessions and finances SAFE. but also understanding there are those that can fly under even the best radar.....so unless we move to the bunker, we are exposed to some degree.

i think it's also important to learn what those red flags are. and honor ourselves....if we feel uncomfortable for any reason, that's ok. we respond with our own safety and well being first. if we DO get it wrong, well, so be it. we are not concerned with what the other person MIGHT think or feel, we stay in ourselves and listen to our own thoughts, feel our own feelings.

I think that sometimes when we are feeling insecure about our judgement it's not a bad idea to bounce ideas off trusted others (like you are doing right here!).

While I fully believe in trusting yourself, ideally, when you have been through a trauma it takes a while to get your sea legs. :duck

I found it extremely helpful when questioning my judgement/perspective on something to ask. I balanced that, of course, with my own judgement, but it was very reassuring initially to make sure that I was seeing things clearly.

That's really how I feel.

Also with the whole "did you see red flags" question... even when I wanted to leave, it was really difficult leaving. Not because I wanted to stay to "help", but because he made it financially difficult. As much as I did love him, by the end, I had wanted to get away from him for a long, long time.

I feel like getting my life back... my health, my finances, everything... it's been one step forward, three steps back, over and over.

I'm finding healing through playtime, dancing to music wherever I find it, bucket drumming, connections, rhythms, learning to listen to my healthy inner voice.

The scared, hurt, unhealthy voice is allowed to be expressed in safe ways, with support from others. Then I kindly, gently let that voice know I'm doing things differently now. That it's safe to feel connections to Life. This has been developing naturally, through healing therapies. It has it's own healing timeline, not one I'm forcing to happen.

This is where I'm finding a deep Trust within myself. It's elemental. I feel it in my heart and gut much more than just thinking it.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but i'll throw it out there.

I have been married twice. My first relationship was violent. I was quite young. I stayed married for a long time. It never occurred to me initially to not marry this person (again, young and lacking experience and apparently good judgement lol). I really did care about him though, you know the story.

So divorced and moving on, I still trusted my judgement, I didn't have those self doubts (those would come later after 2 more relationships).

Up until now, I have looked at it this way. Instead of saying - oh what did I do and how did I trust that person and how did I make that decision etc, I decided to just move on. Wiser from the experience.

I don't see them as mistakes as such, I see them as part of my life. If that makes sense? Neither really good nor bad, it is just part of my life, part of my learning/experience.

I would compare it to deciding to move to say - Oregon. Beautiful State. You pack your bags and move! Life is good for a while until you realize you miss all your friends in Colorado, you miss your old job, it rains all the time. You pack your bags and move back!

Now, was the move to Oregon a mistake? Perhaps. Is the fact that you have to ask for your old job back and you spent all that money moving really annoying, yes! But how would you know that if you didn't do it and didn't you learn and didn't you gain experience and the next time you decide to move you are going to maybe book a two week holiday there first. Not being overly cautious, just applying what you have learned.

Ditto. I think because I see my part in the fiasco. I picked him and stayed long after I knew it was a bad idea.

I think it depends on what is said and in what context and situation.

People come at you with all sorts of agendas and words are, well, just words.

I used to believe in the 'arms wide open' approach until someone gives reasons to doubt.

Now, I like to say I'm from Missouri: The 'Show Me' State.

this here is more a matter of faith.
faith says,"i believe what you SAY."
trust says," your actions have me believe what you SAID."

there used to be a weekly circus in my home town. there was a high wire act every week- a man pushed a wheel barrow across the high wire. i saw the show many times- to the point i had faith he would accomplish the feat next time.

if i trusted him i would get in the wheelbarrow next time.

trust is earned through actions over T.I.M.E= Things I(or they) Must Earn.

Good distinction. Thanks, tomsteve.