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-   -   Things were going well, or so I thought— Is have my own issues too tho (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/427352-things-were-going-well-so-i-thought-have-my-own-issues-too-tho.html)

soinlove 05-07-2018 08:15 PM

Things were going well, or so I thought— Is have my own issues too tho
 
In recent months -He got a new fabulous job in neighboring state, we take turns visiting and going back & forth... plans in place for me to move soon or as soon as I can.
Some things aren’t changing. And let’s be real, I’m an adult child of an A, have my own anxiety issues too.... yet we want this to work, & keep working thru things ups& downs good and bad for 6+ years now.
He’s on track for quite awhile with his, & I’m working hard to manage my issue, or trying.
Then the daily messages/calls begin to dwindle... this week it’s a call or text but not always after a certain time—saying he fell asleep early. Or was a long day at work, I’m tired let’s talk tomorrow.
He’s not cheating on me with another woman ( I’m 100% on that) it’s the booze taking up my place in his life right now— I hate it. I need him to be present, to be accountable. When I’m there visiting I see an evening cocktail or two, no more and never waking up late for work. But the anxiety this causes me is mind boggling, why? again? I need him to be ok, I have real life stuff to talk about, I hate waiting. My issues and lack of being able to handle change and chaos I know affects him greatly— he’s told me so, he wants to be able to make it better but can’t.
He helps me thru my low times and is there for me when I need him but also when it’s great... so I keep doing the same. Yet this is maddening.
New week, im taking care of me... focusing on what I am able to control, getting me in order again ( lots of other craziness in life going on to sort thru besides his repeat issue), baby steps again... yet my mind is racing tonght as I should be winding down to go to sleep. Why hasn’t he called me back tonight? Why am I not important ? Why am I second to that liquid again? I know these answers, but I keep riding along again
He’ll surface again I know this- 24 hours maybe? My constant worry is deafening. We are each very intelligent, responsible, high functioning people with good paying jobs, each with our own baggage, few know the real stiff. We won’t give up on the other tho

dandylion 05-07-2018 09:33 PM

soinlove.....you say that "we won' t give up on the other, tho."......
That statement brings this thought to my mind.....what percentage of effort (worry, stress, energy).....are you putting into the relationship...as com\pared to his? From the things that you share, it feels to me like there is a lot of inequity in the relationship...... Like, maybe, he is your whole world...while you are a "part" of his world....
I know, from personal experience, and the thousands of similar stories, here, on this forum...that it is so easy to live in the illusion that our partner feels the same intensity about the relationship that we do. We tend to assume that they feel exactly the same as we do.
And, I get it ...that that can be enough for some people....or, at least, some people will settle for that much....and, it sound, to me like that is where your head space is, right now...? But---you don't sound happy!? And, that is why I am even bothering to write all of this to you.....
You just don't sound happy.....

Do you really believe that you are entitled to be happy...and have a relationship that meets your needs....that nourishes you and allows you to thrive...rather than just adjust to accepting the crumbs as someone else doles them out?
He can't give you what he does not have, inside, to give......

I am glad that you are still working on yourself...don't stoop doing that.....

trailmix 05-07-2018 10:02 PM


Originally Posted by soinlove (Post 6888503)
it’s the booze taking up my place in his life right now— I hate it. I need him to be present, to be accountable. When I’m there visiting I see an evening cocktail or two, no more and never waking up late for work. But the anxiety this causes me is mind boggling, why? again? I need him to be ok

Please don't take this as harsh but just because you need him to be ok doesn't mean he is going to be. He is an alcoholic, he wants to drink and drink and drink. That actually has nothing to do with you per-se, it's what addicts do.

Now, if you want to be in this relationship with him you are going to have to accept that. You don't have to LIKE it, but you do have to accept it. It is part of his life, a big part and you didn't mention him saying anything about quitting or rehab or 12 step meetings or anything so I'm going to assume he is happy the way things are.


Originally Posted by soinlove (Post 6888503)
We are each very intelligent, responsible, high functioning people with good paying jobs, each with our own baggage, few know the real stiff. We won’t give up on the other tho

Alcoholism is progressive. I don't know if you have had time to read around the forums, in particular the stickies at the top of this forum and the alcoholism forum.

If not, you might want to start here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

With alcohol, as with any drug, the need to increase the dose is required to achieve the same result. Alcohol changes the brain.

I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot, i'm sorry you are so worried about him but until he is ready to take steps to stop drinking this is what you can expect.

Have you attended Al-Anon meetings at all?

PeacefulWater12 05-08-2018 01:27 AM

Sorry you are in this position. Maybe you need to accept that he can not be what you would like and that he can not fulfil how you see a relationship.

His addiction while active is always going to be in charge. Even in recovery it takes a lot of work to keep it dormant. It's very likely you are never going to be his top priority.

This is how it is with addicts.

So the real question is, it this acceptable to YOU? If not, you will need to make changes.

Sending you best wishes and supportive thoughts. This is all very difficult and painful.

Eauchiche 05-08-2018 05:13 AM


Originally Posted by soinlove (Post 6888503)
... plans in place for me to move soon or as soon as I can.....
We are each very intelligent, responsible, high functioning people with good paying jobs......

I too hope not to sound harsh here, but out of your entire post, these two sentences jumped out at me.
If you follow through with these plans to move, you might end up totally dependent on HIM, having left your high-paying job. Is this what you want your life to look like in a few years?

Raindrops 05-08-2018 06:42 AM

Sorry that you are in a painful situation like this. I was there too. I wish I had known about Alanon or this forum before I decided to get married to the guy. I don't come from an active alcoholism home: I had never seen the face of alcoholism. I do come from a dysfunctional home
Though. It made me a codependent. Anyway, 5 years into my marriage, things started going downhill. He did not feel like he needed any help. He was a binge drinker. Come to realize now when I filed for divorce and saw his documents that he had been buying and hiding alcohol throughout . We both have high paying jobs. Eventually though he was ok with me just being his caretaker and taking the focus off of my life. Thousands of fight later and living under the stress of not knowing if he was really at the business meeting after work - I could not deal with the stress anymore. His parents could not understand why I was being so difficult and just not accept the situation and learn to live with it.
You have a chance to take a look st yourself right now and learn why you are ok with being someone's caretaker or door mat. Why you are so hopeful about his " potential" when in this moment , his reality is all that you have and he is showing it to you very clearly. Read every post that you can here and decide for yourself if that's the future you want for yourself. My husband didn't start off as an abusive alcoholic. He did not start off as a reckless alcoholic. It was all part of the progression and the fact that I wanted to change him or saw his "potential" did not go down very well in the end. I was just an obstacle in the end that needed to be discarded no matter what. I thank my god that I did not have children with this guy. It would have made my leaving a thousand times more difficult . Save your dignity. You will be replaced the day you are between him and his habit. Save your sanity. You will be emotionally battered over time and you will start believing that you're not doing enough. Save your high paying job. You will become less functional because of stress and anxiety- it all happened to me . I am 32.

atalose 05-08-2018 07:07 AM


When I’m there visiting I see an evening cocktail or two, no more and never waking up late for work. But the anxiety this causes me is mind boggling, why? again? I need him to be ok, I have real life stuff to talk about, I hate waiting.

My issues and lack of being able to handle change and chaos I know affects him greatly— he’s told me so, he wants to be able to make it better but can’t.

my mind is racing tonght as I should be winding down to go to sleep. Why hasn’t he called me back tonight? Why am I not important ? Why am I second to that liquid again? I know these answers, but I keep riding along again
He’ll surface again I know this- 24 hours maybe? My constant worry is deafening.

I need him to be present, to be accountable.
Then you have picked the wrong guy to meet those needs. You are insecure and his drinking issue will never help that, it will only make it worse. You are needy of him while he is needy of the bottle, and that will always come first.
It’s as if you have picked someone who can never fulfill your needs. No matter how much time we invest into someone, no matter how much we feel we love them, we will never force that square peg into the round hole and make it all work out. It’s like trying to put two north pole magnets together, they repel and the magnets push each other away.

AnvilheadII 05-08-2018 12:44 PM

I need him to be ok, I have real life stuff to talk about, I hate waiting. My issues and lack of being able to handle change and chaos I know affects him greatly— he’s told me so, he wants to be able to make it better but can’t.

he's not your therapist. no one person should be our everything. we should have other people in our lives to turn to, to talk to. you want him to be Boyfriend on Demand. you want what you want when you want it.

here's the thing.......he's still drinking. that remains an issue, a BIG ONE. he is not 100% reliable...but then again NO ONE IS. he isn't calling and texting multiple times a day......is that really necessary? being able to have time apart and be OK is a sign of maturity and balance.

six plus years now this guy has shown you who he is.
are you ready to accept it?

Clover71 05-08-2018 04:12 PM

soinlove, first of all I'm sorry that you are feeling so anxious about not hearing back, etc. I know that feeling. My AH worked out of town a lot. During a 4 month stint a couple of years ago, the same thing happened. His pattern of contact changed, and it became more about what he wanted to do when we wanted to do it. We didn't fit into his schedule. Then we flew out for a visit, and I found alcohol in the pantry in his apartment. I went to the grocery store and came back, and a good third of the bottle was gone. I don't want to scare you, but it sounds very similar. Contact during the workday didn't change much, but it did during off hours. I'm glad that you have a good job. I hope you don't leave it now and move until you know more. Can you go for a visit?


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