He is going to try and buy me out of our house. I know what he makes and I know that with the extra loan plus child support he will literally have a few hundred left each month for groceries and booze. Over the last year He’s been averaging about 1k a month on just booze and restaurants alone. This is the start of it all. I can see it as clear as day. He’s going to lose everything.

I am sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. I think you need to secure an attorney and I think you should file as soon as possible and do not negotiate with him about anything, let your attorney do that.

So sorry you are in this situation. But if he does lose everything, then that's his own doing at this point. You take care of what YOU need for you and the little one. :grouphug:

Alcoholics lie. It's just what they do.

Update
 

My therapist encouraged me to write him a letter. I worked on it for a week and finally sent it yesterday morning. I told him that I still loved him, but that he had a problem and needed help. I outlined specific examples of his behavior, how much money he’s spent, how he has no other hobbies outside of drinking etc. I told him he was missing so much of his daughters life already and it’s would only get worse as time goes on etc. I have email tracking so I know he’s read it.

Later that day he messaged me something about a package that came in the mail for me, and then followed it up with something sorta nice sounding. He hasn’t said anything even remotely nice to me in months. Then today he messaged me happy Mother’s Day, and says thank you and how grateful he is for our daughter. Also a nice thing. But also totally pisses me off because Oh WOW, you’re so grateful that’s why you’ve only seen her 3 times for a total of 6 hours in the last 2 months.

If he is still drinking then the letter won’t do much except for maybe help you. Unless he is wanting to quit no amount of begging/pleading is going to help, no matter how much you can prove how alcohol has affected his and your life. If love could get people to quit we wouldn’t be here.
My RAH went to rehab and I did a cost letter (basically what you did). He had been in rehab for about 7 or 8 weeks when he had to read it in front of people in group (without having seen the letter beforehand). It was very painful for him to read that, I’m not sure it would’ve had much impact on him if I had written the same letter while he was actively drinking.
I did write him a letter to confront him about his drinking this last time because I was done and ready to leave but wanted to give him one more chance but he had to seek treatment and it could no longer be a secret. I found out only a few months ago (he’s been sober x 1.5 years) that he had gotten to the point finally where he realized that he could not go on like this and so that letter was his kick in the butt he needed to push him into recovery. He also had said that if I had given him the same ultimatum 2 years prior to that (when I had confronted him but not given him an ultimatum) it more then likely wouldn’t have made a difference. He had quit that time but did not seek treatment (I had suggested it but he wanted to try it o; his own one last time).
So unless he is at a point where he is ready to quit the letter won’t do much. It may wake him up briefly and have him be nice to you to try and make nice. But it won’t last. You can’t reason with active addicts.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and hopefully he will get to the point of wanting to seek recovery. But right now I would focus on you and your precious baby girl. Having an infant is hard enough without the added stress of dealing with an addict. He can take care of himself (or not but that’s not your problem).
My counselor very early on told me to start journaling. I just never got into it but I can see the benefit of it. It’s like writing letters that you just never send so you can pour your heart out, use foul language etc because no one will see it but it will make you feel better. I only recently started doing some (maybe once a week and I’ve been slacking lately ) and use an app. Part of my concern with journaling was that I was worried he would find my journal but with the app that’s not an issue.
Hang in there!

Thanks Sleepy. I didnt write it expecting it to change anything. (Though a small piece of my prayers that it would). It was pretty therapeutic and I’m glad I sent it. At least now I’ll know for certain I did and said all that I could. Now it’s really all on him.

I’ve been trying to be amicable about everything but he’s making it hard. We talked today and he’s threatening to take our daughter 50% of the time and pay a nanny or day care to watch her so that he doesn’t have to pay me child support. I haven’t responded yet but this is absolutely not an option and if he presses it I will retain my lawyer faster than he can blink.

Retain your lawyer regardless of what he does.

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty confident that's not how it works.

You will want someone who has considerable experience dealing with addicted spouses, especially when it comes to visitation. You may want to go into Sasha1972's threads - she gets down to the nitty gritty there.

I would not advise mediation - my addicted sister and her ex did that. Two things happened: 1) the divorce dragged out for YEARS and her ex ended up supporting her and her affair partner's pot smoking lifestyle 2) the daughters didn't have a rock solid custody agreement that delineated what would happen if my sister fell off the wagon.

He's trying to bully you into an agreement. Consider a lawyer, set your boundaries and silence this kind of behavior coming from him. A lawyer will give you the information you'll need to move forward in your and your infant's best interest.

You are going through a lot and you have an infant to take care of. Perhaps, in the meantime, try to minimize your conversations with him to the best of your ability? I understand you have a child so it makes it challenging.

I'm pretty sure that in divorces with an infant the mother has primary physical custody until I believe 18 months. I don't know the exact details obviously. Also, you can't trust an alcoholic with a baby obviously. I think there is also a thing called first refusal where if he needs to get a babysitter for whatever reason you should be the first to be given the option to watch the child. That's what my friend told me anyway (who moved out of state with her child and the dad has to come to her house to spend time with the kid who is about 18 months now because he cannot be trusted by himself (not because he has an addiction problems but mostly because he has absolutely no clue how to take care of a kid....)
And definitely hire a good lawyer. don't do this without one
Hugs!

How do I find her posts?

Hover your mouse over her name, click it which brings a dropdown menu - then choose your options

Perfect example of why we say actions not words are what matter the most.

He's blowing smoke! Don’t engage with the madness, it’s not worth it. Retain an attorney and let the attorney deal with him on those matters.

Marie....the following website might be of help to you. It is educational, in nature...and, it is arranged by State......
It covers most all issues that come up in divorce.....It would be good to help organize your thoughts for when you visit a lawyer....

www.womansdivorce.com


***A hint from Heloise----Nice is one thing....but it is not usually an asset in legal issues. Fair is much more powerful.

Hi MarieLouise, he is just being a jerk. You should retain a lawyer anyways. Always do whatever you have to do to take care of you and your baby. I hope everything works out for you both ((HUGS))

I suggest being very cautious when writing letters at the advice of your therapist. I have two friends where this bit them in the bum.

If they had not said anything, the other person would've gone down and they would've gotten custody very easily. After the letter, the other party knew what they were looking for. They had very little behavior to prove in court to win their custody battle.

Don't tell him your next move. You don't want him to know what behaviors you're looking for. You want to stack that against him with recent events, credit card bills, etc. that will stand up in court.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you and your daughter.

ML,
You have received some amazing advice here. Please listen to all of it, as these people have lived it. You are dealing with an addict, they are not sane, don't expect that. They will say one thing and do another 2 seconds later, because they can. A few nice comments how he misses you and then he is going after custody of the baby he hasnt seen in months. He doesn't want the baby, he just wants to punish you.

As everyone says, document everything. Text and try and stay away from phone conversations. Keep all the abusive language for the attorney. Please try and find an attorney and a therapist who is familiar with addiction. No addiction therapist would tell you to write a letter to your husband explaining that he has a problem and needs help. Addiction therapists work on "our" short comings and leave the addict to their own issues. What you need to understand, is that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so really its not his problem to fix, it is yours.

You need eliminate contact as much as you can, especially if he gets abusive. Seek counsel so you don't risk any chances of him of trying to get custody. I would seek support from open AA meetings or alanon meetings. ( you can take the baby). Educate, educate and educate yourself on what you are up against. It will be a tough battle, but worth every tear.

No one says just because we love someone that we either have to live with them or be married to them. We can love them from a distance. Sending healing hugs to you.

Active alcoholics tend to look for an elusive 'thing' that must be missing in their lives for them to feel so incomplete. That person, object, job, event, or position that will make everything okay. The Baby was one of those obsessions perhaps, now the Divorce. And you can probably look back and recognise a few other (perhaps less problematic) things that were going to be The Answer over the years. There will also no doubt be some secret ones that keep him living in shame - one of them probably lost an eyeliner some place!

Of course, none of these things really solve the problem. The problem is an alcoholic perspective that means our glass is always half empty and never half full, and working on that takes sobriety and a commitment to recovery and inner growth and change, and most active alcoholics feel that that they are not the problem, but its the world that is the problem... and if they could just change the world a bit, this way and that way, then they think they'd be happy.

Rock bottom is where Alcoholics get to find out that the real and only answer is to give up the very thing that we've relied upon to escape all those feelings of restlessness, irritation and discontentment. Alcohol. But that sounds a way off for your husband. He's still at the Howling for the Moon stage and blaming the world. I remember being at that stage myself for a long time. At times perhaps you could take comfort that this stage of alcoholism (despite seeming like it's 'High Functioning)' is really horrible and tortuous. Like being stuck in some bizarre nightmare where you're constantly on a quest for some kind of key to life that never materializes or turns out to be what it promised itself to be. Now I'm out of it I understand how bloody insane I really was for a while back there.

But you are away from him. And luckily your beautiful child is away from him and his insanity for the most part as well. Honestly, so much damage can be done by growing up with an alcoholic parent. One reason being that at some point most children of HF alcoholics become the thing that is the supposed 'problem' when the not-enoughness radar is turned on them. I still struggle to phone my father because I'm generally fearful of his criticism, even though it's my brother and nephew I tend to hear it about I never feel that it's far away.

I do hope you continue to enjoy the healthy relationships and support network you have found, and your gorgeous baby who has given you the gift of being the person you will protect and put above all his crazy alcoholic nonsense, and in so doing, save yourself from it.

:grouphug: