My high functioning AH left me and our newborn

Old 05-05-2018, 02:15 PM
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My high functioning AH left me and our newborn

Newbie here, and my head is still spinning. In March my AH left me.

We've been married for 10 years, together for 15. We just bought our dream house in Sept. We never wanted children but last year HE changed his mind and convinced me.

He always drank, but I had a really great ability to sweep everything under the rug, believe lies, and justify his behaviors. So when he left me, and said he's been unhappy for years, and he drinks because I'm a terrible wife, I was SHOCKED. We had always been SO happy.

Since then, I've been doing some serious self-reflection. I started attending AlAnon. I made a list of the insane things he's done that I read everytime I start to feel like maybe it WAS all my fault.

A small sample of the list: hidden bottles, friends saying they saw him stop at bars and pay cash (so I couldn't trace it), never allowing me to go out with him and his "bar friends" because he wanted his own group of friends, the time I found eyeliner that wasn't mine in his, the argument we got in because he didn't want the car seat in his car, or how disinterested he was in feeling the baby kick when I was pregnant, how drunk he was the night my water broke.

I made excuses for everyone of those things. And I believed his lies for years. What I can't understand is why did HE decide he wanted to have a baby? He promised to cut back on drinking, and to quit going to the bars all the time once she got here. And after she was born he was AMAZING with her for the first two months. But then one night he got loaded and drove and I told him that he couldn't do that anymore because we have a baby now, and I would do anything to protect her. He looked me with cold dead eyes and said "What are you gonna do about it." Then a week later, the day he went back to work after paternity leave, he drank an entire 5th and dropped the D Bomb.
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Old 05-05-2018, 05:18 PM
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I am so sorry for what happened. I know that this must be a very painful time for you. It is almost like your husband had this checklist--get married, have a child, and the child is more of a trigger for him. It is as if the responsibility for that child is just going to keep him where he is functioning so much to keep a job. But let's face the truth. It is an addiction. It can get worse.

With taking care of a baby, there is no room for highly functioning father who is drinking on the side. Slow down and look at your options to get out of this situation--do you have family or friends who can help you with taking care of your child?

With an alcoholic, I could never really tell who he really was. The Getting Them Sober books were good just to learn about setting better boundaries. It helped to get involved with Divorce Care at a local church. There were some good Divorced Mom Facebook groups. And it was good to get involved in a local single parent meetup.com group.

It takes time to get over someone. That was 15 years with you being together. Take time for yourself to look about what you want in your life.

What do you really want five years from now? Have confidence in yourself. You are not invisible.
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Old 05-05-2018, 05:22 PM
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He is doing this because he’s an alcoholic and you got in the way of his drinking.

I’ve been through a rough 9 months - I think he did you a favor. He will lose everything to this disease and you don’t want to have to sit back and watch him destroy his life and potentially ruin yours and your child’s.
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Old 05-05-2018, 05:40 PM
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That is what alcoholics do. They drink. I left my husband a year ago. Never heard from him. He moved on with a rock band lead girl who does gigs in different bars. His dream girl. I was in his way to alcohol. The more I stood up- the worse the abuse got. You won't win for him in this. You can only win for yourself. My god was watching over me and I did not have a kid with him. You need to figure out how you are going to protect yourself and care for the newborn. He's as good as non existent at this point.

Hugs
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Old 05-05-2018, 08:00 PM
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Welcome Marielouise. I'm glad you found us and hope you find some support here.

It sounds like you have had one hell of a couple of months. The fact that he talked you into a child and then ran would make anyone's head spin in a cycle of WTFs.

Good on ya for every step (from the list to Alanon) you have taken to find a bit of sanity in the situation. Please keep at it and circle every wagon of support you can. This is tough stuff!
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Old 05-05-2018, 08:54 PM
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Hi MarieLouise,

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I'm glad you have started attending AlAnon meetings, you are headed in the right direction in getting yourself in a better place. The fact that he left and wants a divorce is doing you actually doing you a favor although it doesn't make the pain any easier especially with a child because you will still be connected to him. Alcoholics are best at blaming others for their problems. I still continue to get blamed from my STBAXH.

I was married to my AXH for 11 years and with him for 13 years. After many cycles of him getting drunk doing something stupid (staying out all night, having random men at my house drinking all night etc...) and kicking him out several times he finally left our home about 2 years ago. Since then he has drained our account, had several different women and is still currently drinking. At first I was heartbroken but now realize that it was a blessing in disguise. But it still breaks my heart for my children. We have two boys together. I would suggest to start documenting everything regarding your child so when you are trying to decide what type of custody you want you have some documentation and preventative in place when he visits with your child (if he decides to visit). I'm struggling with that right now trying to keep my boys safe when they are with him. All you can do now is do what you can to take care and protect yourself and your child.
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Old 05-05-2018, 09:39 PM
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ML, who knows why he was so keen on a baby? My first instinctive thought was that he thought it would 'save' him by being so important to him that he wouldn't want to drink. This forum is full of stories where that belief is shown to be nonsense. Alcoholism is a hard addiction to break, really hard, often requiring a lifetime's work. I write as a sober woman who tried for to stop drinking for years before I was lucky enough to find the key.

Now you've had some time to yourself you're realising he's been living a secret life away from you for years. Do you really want this man in your house with your young baby?

You haven't said how you're coping with early motherhood? Have the events of the last few months affected your relationship with your daughter? I understand how the stress of life can stop you fully enjoying your lovely child as it happened to me. I hope you have lots of support around you from family and friends.

Now might be the time to seek legal advice and any other support you feel you need to tidy up your separation. You will need to quarantine as much money as you can for your everyday expenses and make plans for the future. There are lots of stories and resources on this website, as well as information from other sources.

In a way its lucky he's shown what he is this early. There's a beautiful life ahead of you without having to cope with an A in your daily life.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:06 AM
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So sorry to read what you are going through. Sadly it is typical of alcoholic behaviours. I relate him wanting, on paper, the fairy tale life but then as soon as it gets in the way of the addiction, the addiction is going to win every time.

My A father did similar. He wanted the accessories of a wife and children. Its seems to be about "show" and how it looks from the outside. I know growing up, outside appearances were very different from the reality in my home.

I found it a comfort to read in depth and realise that none of the above was personal to me, it was an A doing what A's do.

I found Al-anon a great help. Sending best wishes to you and your baby.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:59 AM
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That sucks, Marie. Addiction sucks and I empathise with the pain you feel. I will not go one with the 'you are better off' stuff, true as it may be...make sure you stay safe. Al-anon is great. Perhaps see a counselor too?
Support to you and your bub.
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Old 05-06-2018, 01:55 AM
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Hello and welcome, you will find tons of support here. I know it’s shocking to see the lies, betrayal, and deceivment unravel. But this is what addicts do (no matter “just” legal alcohol or elicit drugs). My suggestion is to get a boot camp education on addiction, go to al-anon (I know, not easy with a newborn!), and lawyer up with a REALLY good attorney who understands addiction!
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Old 05-06-2018, 02:11 AM
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Hey MarieLouise,
Recovering alcoholic here. All I will tell you is that he doesn't drink because of you or anything you have done. Without meeting either of you or knowing anything other than what you have posted here, I feel I can say that with 100% certainty.
Best wishes to you
Suzy
X x x
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Old 05-06-2018, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by PrettyViolets View Post

With taking care of a baby, there is no room for highly functioning father who is drinking on the side. Slow down and look at your options. do you have family or friends who can help you with taking care of your child?
Thank you so much for your response. I actually moved out of our home and back to my hometown two hours away so I could be around family, who are all helping tremendously. After he asked for a divorce his behavior went from bad to worse. He became verbally abusive and so I left. As much as I’d love to go No Contact, he periodically asks to see our daughter (when it’s convenient). In the 2 months since I’ve left he’s come down to visit 3 times, each visit being about an hour in total. Several other times he’s said he’d come but last minute gets “sick” and then our credit card charges show several stops at the liquor store.
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Old 05-06-2018, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
ML, who knows why he was so keen on a baby? My first instinctive thought was that he thought it would 'save' him by being so important to him that he wouldn't want to drink.

You haven't said how you're coping with early motherhood? Have the events of the last few months affected your relationship with your daughter?

In a way its lucky he's shown what he is this early. There's a beautiful life ahead of you without having to cope with an A in your daily life.
I also believe maybe he thought she would save him. The first two months were pretty magical actually. He wasps great with her and so kind and loving towards me. Then he just snapped.

Coping has its ups and downs. I love my daughter so much and I think if I didn’t have her I would probably go crazy. She’s the best distraction, and she really has been a relatively easy baby (sleeps well etc).
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:55 PM
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I'm so glad you moved out because the effects of alcoholism on children is life-long. You're on the right path.........Alanon is a tremendous support and helped keep me sane during the finale of a very bad relationship.
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Old 05-07-2018, 06:16 PM
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we spoke yesterday and he finally admitted that he had "turned to alcohol" in the last year or so. I asked him AGAIN why did HE decide to have a child if he had any inclination that he was unhappy, and he just kept saying if he didn't do it then it never would have happened, but that divorcing was the only option because we were "destroying each other." It's such crazy talk. We have achieved so much success together. Both financially and personally. How were we destroying one another?
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Old 05-07-2018, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by MarieLouise View Post
we spoke yesterday and he finally admitted that he had "turned to alcohol" in the last year or so. I asked him AGAIN why did HE decide to have a child if he had any inclination that he was unhappy, and he just kept saying if he didn't do it then it never would have happened, but that divorcing was the only option because we were "destroying each other." It's such crazy talk. We have achieved so much success together. Both financially and personally. How were we destroying one another?
Argh. You might try reading about AV, alcohole voice. I'm guessing you and the bub got in the way of his drinking.

Please, please look after yourself. Yes he may be able to pull out of this but the odds are not obese.

May every angel in the universe bomb-bard you and your family.
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Old 05-07-2018, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by MarieLouise View Post
we spoke yesterday and he finally admitted that he had "turned to alcohol" in the last year or so. I asked him AGAIN why did HE decide to have a child if he had any inclination that he was unhappy, and he just kept saying if he didn't do it then it never would have happened, but that divorcing was the only option because we were "destroying each other." It's such crazy talk. We have achieved so much success together. Both financially and personally. How were we destroying one another?
I think he means just what he said. To think that you will NEVER have children is a big deal. Even though it may seem optional when you are 25 as you and your spouse get older the fact that it may never happen is very real. Now, was it a good idea for him to ever have children, sure doesn't seem like it, but it would appear, from what he stated that wasn't a factor he decided to use later on.

You can add to your list that he encouraged you to have a child with him while knowing you would probably end up being mostly a single parent.

As for destroying one another, maybe not being able to be what he is, comfortably, was destroying him. He is an alcoholic, he wants to drink. You mention friends told you they saw him paying in cash for alcohol, why were they telling you that? Why were they reporting back to you? Did you have some kind of agreement with him that he wouldn't drink (before the baby).

So then he decides it's a go with the baby, promises to quit going to bars all the time etc. Well the reality is he doesn't want to do that. His drive to drink is stronger than anything, he will give up his wife and his daughter for alcohol. It's not that unusual (sorry to say, I know this is very hurtful for you).

You wanted him to be one thing, he is another. He promised you things and he is not carrying through. It's a horrible thing for you.

He is an addict.

I hope you have had time to read around the forum a bit, especially the stickies at the top. The more you know about alcoholism the better.
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Old 05-07-2018, 09:55 PM
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MarieLouise......the following book is a very thorough explanation of the biology behind the alcoholic's brain. What actually happens within the brain...what we frequently refer to as the "alcoholic voice". The one that talks to them, 24/7.....
this particular book goes into more depth than the usual, brief articles that summarize such material.
Perhaps, this will help to answer your questions about some of the alcoholic behaviors.....
It is "The Addicted Brain"....by, Michael Kuhar....You can get it o n amazon,at a cheaper rate if you get a used one.
You can, also read the reviews of the book, on there.......

You can also read about the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....here, in our own library of excellent articles....there are more than one hundred...enough for you to read and digest one every single day....lol.......
Here is the link to our library....(also contained in the stickies at the top of the threads),,,,

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)


***I believe that the more k knowledge that you have...the less you may torture yourself with questions of blame and guilt...for both you and him......
You need to put your soul to rest...because you have a human being to raise, now.....regardless o how it came about....so you will need to put the past behind you......
You will need your serenity and peace in order to be the best mother that you can be and the best Captain of your own ship......
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Old 05-08-2018, 09:26 AM
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"destroying each other" means YOU were destroying HIS ability to drink freely. Please do not twist his inability to hold himself accountable into your fault, This is who they are, this is what they do, period.

Good for you for moving to be closer to your family. You are on the correct path. Do yourself a favor and limit the contact you have with him to just concerns about your daughter. All else is just nonsense to make you feel bad, put your energy where it is needed right now and that is with your newborn. As someone has already stated, make sure you document EVERYTHING so that when you go for custody you have the ammunition you need and Lawyer Up (My favorite). You have already received such great advice from this crew but I have just a few more things I want to add, and I want you to think about.
Is a household with an active alcoholic the place where you want to raise a baby?
Do you trust him to take care of her needs if he is left alone with her?
How about him driving with her in the car?
And what about you? Is this the life you want for yourself?
Are you able to trust anything that comes out of his mouth?

This is no longer about him and once you start thinking that way every decision you make will become much easier! He has shown you numerous times who he is, believe it. I read a quote the other day that I would like to share with you:

Sometimes the best reason to let go of a toxic or abusive relationship is because your child is watching....

Keep posting, we are here!
Ro
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Old 05-08-2018, 12:31 PM
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It seems like you are trying to make sense out of non-sense, or to apply logic to someone who is acting irrationally. It’s just not possible. He drinks because he is an alcoholic, period.

Glad you are taking care of yourself and your baby. Hugs.
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