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Needing strength Needing some strong vibes from SR folk tonight. AH has been blackout drunk for eight days of the month so far, and two nights ago it was as bad as ever. I am usually able to ignore him, or leave, or keep my cool until he finally really passes out, but not that night. I yelled and screamed and cussed, and of course it felt terrible to be that person. He moaned and wailed in bed for hours, and I screamed at him to shut up. It's the first time ever I really, really wanted to hurt someone. I didn't, but that feeling was awful. I got up the next morning resolved to never be that person again, especially to the man I love. I told him he had to move out for a period of time, get on a plane to friends or family, or I would start divorce proceedings. He didn't like any of those options and drank his way through another day, but today, complete change of heart. Went to the doc, saw his counselor, got some jobs lined up, and said he really was done this time and it will be so expensive for him to move out for a month, and he loves me (as I love him), blah blah blah... But not really because it's making me doubt my decision. But I know, in my heart, we need this. And if I didn't still love him it wouldn't be hard. I told him it's not just about the drinking; I need space, and room to breathe, and to feel like I can come home without dreading that he will be passed out on the floor drunk, like he has been the better part of six months. I've only asked for one month. I know I have to do it, for my battered heart and spirit. And I know it won't solve his alcoholism, I know I can't do that. But I can't stay on the same roller coaster with the huge loop, over and over without change. Thank you for "listening" stories and strength vibes appreciated. |
Hi Westgirl. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. You sound like a loving, strong, courageous woman. I don’t know what your situation is. Would it be possible for YOU to leave for a month? It might be nice for you to get out of the situation, to take control yourself. Do you have a family or friend you could stay with? Could you afford to rent a place somewhere for a month? When I left my husband I stayed with my mom for a while. It was nice. She had a guest room for me. Every night we sat by her fireplace and talked. If I wanted to be alone I could close the door. It was peaceful. If you believe that a month apart would be good for you, then make it happen. Do it. Don’t back down and don’t let his addiction control you. It’s a good first step toward your own recovery. Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️ |
Westgirl.....I, also, think it might be a good idea for you to be the one to leave for the immediate future. When you have reached the point where you find yourself behaving out of your own c haracter....that is a big sign that you are in an environment that is destructive to you. Sounds like your usual coping mechanisms have been worn completely down. Prolonged time in a crazy and dysfunctional situation can bring out the dysfunctional in us.... It is important to remember that you need to put your own welfare first..... You are responsible for yourself...it rests on your shoulders....because, who else is going to do it? Your husband can't even do it for himself, right now...so, you can't count on him. I think you could use some time and space away from him in order to collect yourself and clarify your thoughts and feelings..... |
I agree, if possible you move out for a while. Change of whole environment can really make a big difference rather than staying in the place where resentment has been building. I would add that I don’t think putting a time stamp of a return date on this is beneficial to you at this point. It was my experience that when I took a break from my ex the first time, he was totally obsessed with when I was coming back. He was a “changed” man going to AA working with his sponsor etc. etc. all in a matter of less than 30 days. He sounded like he changed, his words certainly did, so I went back. That’s when the new cycle of break up – make up – go away- come here began. Talk about a roller coaster ride! |
Originally Posted by Westgirl
(Post 6865498)
Needing some strong vibes from SR folk tonight. AH has been blackout drunk for eight days of the month so far, and two nights ago it was as bad as ever. I am usually able to ignore him, or leave, or keep my cool until he finally really passes out, but not that night. I yelled and screamed and cussed, and of course it felt terrible to be that person. He moaned and wailed in bed for hours, and I screamed at him to shut up. It's the first time ever I really, really wanted to hurt someone. I didn't, but that feeling was awful. I got up the next morning resolved to never be that person again, especially to the man I love. I told him he had to move out for a period of time, get on a plane to friends or family, or I would start divorce proceedings. He didn't like any of those options and drank his way through another day, but today, complete change of heart. Went to the doc, saw his counselor, got some jobs lined up, and said he really was done this time and it will be so expensive for him to move out for a month, and he loves me (as I love him), blah blah blah... But not really because it's making me doubt my decision. But I know, in my heart, we need this. And if I didn't still love him it wouldn't be hard. I told him it's not just about the drinking; I need space, and room to breathe, and to feel like I can come home without dreading that he will be passed out on the floor drunk, like he has been the better part of six months. I've only asked for one month. I know I have to do it, for my battered heart and spirit. And I know it won't solve his alcoholism, I know I can't do that. But I can't stay on the same roller coaster with the huge loop, over and over without change. Thank you for "listening" stories and strength vibes appreciated. Welcome to the posting side of SR. I went back to your Introduction post which I had not seen before and happy to see you have been building up pillars of support through therapy and alanon. I remember the awful feeling I had when I realized my own emotions were out of control and I didn't like what I saw in myself. But the good thing is we both realized it. And I totally support your getting some space for the next month like you asked of him. Living with the chaos really got me to the point where I couldn't think clearly. Ive taken space a couple different times and it really helped me. While it may be expensive, some things cant be measured solely in terms of the financial cost. Trust your inner voice and remember this cycle has been going on for a while. I do find the saying "nothing changes, if nothing changes" helpful. It was hard for me to do certain things because of the love that I had for my husband. But truth be told, I was losing myself and my sober husband would not have wanted that for me. Also, its positive he went to see his doctor, counselor, and lined up some jobs. Fingers crossed he will respect your request for space, and he will also use the next month to tackle his own issues. |
Words mean nothing, talk is cheap. It's actions, over the course of a long period of time that matters. Give yourself the break you deserve. Big hugs. |
Thank you for your encouragement and suggestions. In reading them, I realized I really needed to look at my motives for asking him to leave. Though I do need space, part of it was about banishing him and punishing him for what he's put me through. A month is arbritrary; he's been sober for a month before and it doesn't mean anything long term. And the money is better spent saving in case I do end up filing. So, we agreed that he would go to his brother's for the weekend, so I could have some breathing room. I've investigated some places I could go after that if I still do not want to be in the same house with him for a period of time. I know I need to focus on myself, and stay in my lane, and protect my finances so no matter his journey, I'll be able to pay my bills and move forward. That"you can't control it" phrase continues to be one of the hardest ones for me to learn, and dang if I don't keep trying to! But today's a new day, right? 😁 |
Hi. And yes, today is a new day. You sound like you are in a pretty good head space today, all things considered. You're stepping back, staying in your lane, but I really don't blame you for being so upset with him. Hang in there and feel free to come vent here as much as you like. |
West......Here is an article, from our extensive library of articles, that might be helpful for you to read, right now....it is a pretty good yardstick.... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html |
West....if you are interested in learning more....we have an extensive library (also called "stickies" at the top of the forum)....of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Lots of them...about one 100...enough for you to read and digest one every single day....lol.... You will probably never find so many good articles collected together, anywhere.... Here is that link https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html |
Very helpful article because I heard all those statements from my spouse and they were only made to diffuse the arguement at hand or to prevent him from having to leave the home. He will not make any effort into changing his life. He wants to continue drinking and he doesnt, at least right now, want it interfered with by me. But, it will be too late when and if he does hit rock bottom, again, on his own because I'm sure he will be suffering long after I've forgotten all about him. |
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