Do you recommend Al-Anon for an estranged spouse?
 

I'm the alcoholic (currently in recovery, though I relapsed awhile ago, since sober again), and I'm getting a divorce. My husband has refused any counseling/therapy, substance abuse education. I keep telling him he should go to Al-Anon because he clearly has resentments and I think it would be very beneficial for him.

We have a young child we will be raising together so I think it is imperative he understands the disease so we can keep things civil and communicate effectively. To those who have went (and I know HE has to want to go, just like it is up to ME not to drink), do you find it beneficial and think it would be good for our family, even though we're divorcing?

I'm sure it would be beneficial for him, but only if he went into it with willingness in his heart.

I do not recommend you continuing to hound him about it in any case.

agree with sparklekitty.
so I think it is imperative he understands the disease
why?
i dont see how understanding alcoholism will help keep things civil during communication.
you can keep things civil,though, by not allowing yourself to be a doormat or allowing unacceptable behavior. you are allowed to stand up for yourself,now, babes.

i would say it would probably be good for the family. but not so much about learning about the disease, but learning about himself

It could absolutely help him if he wanted it, but not for the reasons you think.

Your best bet is to focus on your OWN recovery if you want to see real change in your world.

It certainly may be helpful for him, but you forcing the issue will only make things worse. Its' a decision he'll have to make whether you feel it's imperative or not.

I asked my ex to do the same thing for exactly the same reasons, Babescake . Figured it would help all of us moving forward, divorce or no. Turns out it was a total waste of my time and my hope. Some people simply aren't interested in learning about alcoholism or addiction. I've learned it's not my job to compel them to do so. No matter how noble I perceive my motivation to be.

Alanon is not designed to inform members about the disease/mechanics of addiction. Alanon is a support group for those AFFECTED by another's addiction.

i don't understand how his education on the disease will help in ongoing communication with you??? you should not have to parent differently because one person is (hopefully) a former addict.

I went for a while Babescake. I find it a good place to connect with other family members, and there is a focus on self care, boundaries which I find useful. I feel like it focuses a lot on control / codependency issues. Do you think he would identify with that aspect? In terms of education about addiction eehh I think seeing a therapist would be much better because Alanon really only brings in the 12 step model which wasn't sufficient for me. Also, I didn't really find it to be focused on the family, just the family member, You do your thing, your addict does their thing. It might help with his resentments, never hurts to suggest he try it.

Do you think he might consider doing family therapy where the two of you could focus on the healthiest way to co-parent? My guess is that it would open up the door for deeper issues to be discussed.

There is a thread on here that has a link to the Pleasure Unwoven video on youtube. That might be something you could forward to him, its about 30 minutes and really informational. Ive seen a couple people say it was played for family members in a rehab setting.

My FIL is going to try to get my MIL to watch it. She has been having a hard time with my husbands addiction issues. She does go to Alanon though and she likes it. Has made friends.

I thought it would be good for him to attend to let go of his resentments and be around others in his shoes. He says once he is rid of me, he'll have no more problems, but there is deep resentment and hurt there. Having the opportunity to talk it out might be therapeutic.

The only "issue" he sees is that I'm an alcoholic. I'm responsible for every single thing wrong in our marriage so going to therapy is fruitless. He is wrong of course, there are other issues, such as SOLELY blaming me for our marriage's demise.

I want him to understand the disease better for my son. More than likely he'll have primary custody and I want him to know how to appropriately talk to him about my addiction instead of just being like, "Mommy loves alcohol more than you."

I'm in recovery right now but relapsed not too long ago. I'm sober again and it really scared me, but it also puts me on edge that it could happen again. If it does I never want my child to think that I am purposefully choosing alcohol over him.

Sounds like he's not the only one nursing festering resentments Babe.

Again - if you spend this energy focusing on YOU, you'll get much farther, much faster.

Al-Anon isn't there for the things you think it is - it isn't about explaining addiction or how to live with it. It's not about YOU at all in fact.

This is your responsibility, not his.

From what you are saying it doesn't sound like he would be very open to any suggestions?

Al-Anon, from my limited experience isn't somewhere to go to learn about alcoholism. The focus is on the family member/friend and how to detach from trying to control others (in a nutshell).

Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

I think the onus is on you to help your Son to understand, not on your soon to be XH?

Al-Anon is a great idea. However, given the history of resentment between you two, I'm not sure if you are the best person to deliver that message.

Your suggestion, which may have the best of intentions, may come off as "Hey, I know you're divorcing me because of my drinking, but the one who really needs help is YOU." It sounds too much like blameshifting. You run the risk of having him completely tune you out.

If you do say something, I would say it once then drop it. However, this is one of those cases where I'd let someone else be the messenger.

Here's what you can control in this situation:

1) How you talk to your son about the disease
2) How you demonstrate to your son that you do not love alcohol more than him
3) How you treat others with respect, even if they have behaved hurtfully towards you in the past, and how you demonstrate that behavior to you son

You literally have no control over what your husband says or does. It doesn't matter how much you want to have control over it, or how unfair the situation feels. It's time to decide where to focus your energy and time.

I only started attending al anon after I left xah. I went in thinking that it would help me, help our young children "understand" him. What I learned, is this was a program for me. It wasn't keeping to my side of the street if I will trying to stand in my yard and point out the things in his. Has it helped our children? Yes. By helping me find a healthy, happy me again. That is what my children need more than explaining someone else to them. Al anon is for friends and family members that have been affected by another's drinking. In your other thread on the newcomers, I was going to suggest maybe you might like to try it for yourself? Not sure if you think it would apply to you. When I saw you post here, I took it as my sign that I should at least "say" it to you. It may help you. Hugs friend.

I agree with this and what others are saying that I can only work on myself and not control how he thinks or feels. I'm responsible for explaining things to my son as well. It would just be so much easier if each side could understand each other. But 'tis life and I'll just cope the best I can. Thanks for allowing me to come to this side of the fence and ask my question.

I totally believe what you are saying. Unfortunately it seems like when there is an addiction issue, the sober partner often shifts all the blame for marital issues on the other spouse. Its not always justified, and your right - while you may be working on yourself and will grow and become healthier in so many ways - he will sit and stay the same not realizing his part in the dysfunction. And all of that affects your child. I REALLY appreciated that my husband wanted to do therapy and work on things, and I couldn't even guarantee him that I would stay married to him at that time.

My husband had that same fear about relapse and what might happen, what our child might be taught to believe. I understand completely what your saying on how he should at least be educated so he can speak factually and not just with emotion/anger. If he isn't willing/wanting to do any of this - the only suggestion I can make is to see if during custody or divorce proceedings, there can be a request made by your attorney/advocate that each of you must complete specific counseling (no bias towards either of you) at least to benefit your child and enhance co-parenting. I think courts are used to parents aligning against one another, and Im sure your willingness to do things to benefit your child would be well received.

((cyber hugs)) sorry you have to go through this.

^^^^^:c011:

You sound like you are doing really well Babescake in spite of the relapse. Congrats on every bit of learning and health you have achieved so far. I'm sure this is all very hard won.

As others have said, you asked him to go; he refused; now is the time to drop it.

As you may have noticed (-; we codependents are not necessarily any healthier than the alcoholic. Some might be but who can tell. Like alcoholics, we have our own path to walk and our own time frame and pace for learning. I figure we are all somewhat experiential learners and can only figure it out with time and trial.

I had to get away from the external train wreck of my ABF in order to look at the internal train wreck of my own psyche. There is no way I would have examined it around him. . . . pretty much didn't even know it existed.

One day at a time brave lady. You got this.

Curious, and off topic. This is an open forum. Is it only for codependents? I use it for an outlook on family life. Has it evolved for that?

Babescake.....the way I look at t his forum.....it is for Father, Mother, Sister Brother, Spouse, son, daughter, extended family, neighbor, co-worker, friend.....who have been affected by an alcoholic in their lives.......

Hasn't "evolved" that I have noticed, it never was "only for codependents" to my knowledge.

Of course this forum is not "only for codependents". :) The friends and family side is for anyone and everyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking/drugging.

We have many people who participate in this forum who are double and triple winners (recovering alcoholics, ACoA, and family member).

I still occasionally encourage my stepson to seek treatment for his addiction when I can, but I can't make him go.

I think it is fine that you have encouraged your husband to attend Al-Anon, but you can't make him go.

We recommend newcomers to the F&F side to learn more about addiction all the time. Learning more about alcoholism and addiction helped the late Mr. Seren and I understand his son a bit better and taught us where best to place our energies. But no one could have made us learn more unless we wanted to do so.

It all boils down to control...and we can only control ourselves.

Sorry Babescake. Your drinking is causing most of the problems. Stop drinking. It's your choice... booze or your marriage and child.

The only reason I'm a widow instead of divorced is because my husband was diagnosed with a fatal illness before I told him of my decision.

The only reason I was divorcing him was because his drinking was making my life miserable.

My attendance at Al-anon changed neither of those things. I understand alcoholism, plenty. I also understood when Late husband tried to gaslight me...Looking at me seriously and talking about MY drug problem... because I took tylenol and ibuprofen for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

the alkie/addict does a pretty dam good job of shifting all blame onto the other spouse,too.

Agree. In my AW's wine-soaked existence, there is absolutely not one thing wrong with her - it's all me.

Babescake,

For many people, the abuse of alcohol and/or drugs is enough to be a deal breaker in a relationship. Some people write "must be non-smoker" in their Tinder profiles. I don't know... I don't have a Tinder profile, I assume that you can write those things in a Tinder profile... assuming Tinder has "profiles" and isn't just glamor head-shots. If you wrote that in your Tinder profile, and you went on a few dates with someone, and then got into a long-term relationship with them, and then discovered that they were smoking in secret for years... well, that's a deal breaker. If you got into a relationship with someone and you were both clean, and one of you developed a behavioral addiction... like for example, Fight Club. One of you gets addicted to Fight Club, I would say, that's a deal breaker unless the other person also likes getting black eyes and making soap from a$$ fat.

The stakes are even higher if it's a marriage with a child, who needs positive role-modeling. Addiction is dangerous for everyone. The financial and emotional strain of living with an active addict are enough to cause resentment over time. I can tell you that in my relationship with my ex, me not saying "I love you" enough is NOT the same as him stealing from me, lying to me, cheating on me, self-harming when I tried to have personal boundaries around his drug-use (boundaries for me, not him... like saying I wasn't going to give him anymore money), and making me his carer when he was making himself sick on purpose by refusing treatment at a rehab. So... in some cases (I would venture to say in many cases)... there is no, "but what was your part in this?" [I know this is a controversial stance, but that's my stance right now] question that explains the death of a marriage by addiction. The marriage ended because of addiction. Full stop. It doesn't matter HOW one acts badly because of the addiction. It doesn't matter if your partner became a raging codependent and tried to control when you ate, slept, p00ped, or had the car keys (by the way, if he did, that's really abusive). It doesn't matter if you were a nice drunk or a mean drunk. The problems in the marriage are because of addiction. Your partner acts that way because there is addiction in the marriage. There is no "your fault/my fault". It happens because the whole marriage is faulty.

Okay, that's my take on it.

Alanon is great for your partner, but it won't help him understand your reasons for drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to step away from thinking about your drinking/drugging. It will encourage him to look after himself and your child... and it will encourage him to allow you to be responsible for the consequences of your addiction. It seems to be that he's already doing this by getting a divorce.

I support your choice to try to be sober. That is the best thing you could do for your child. That you are losing your marriage is terrible. That you may lose custody of your child is terrible too -- our society attaches so much value to motherhood, that this will hurt terribly. But you have not heard the end of this because you are a mother. Your child is going to get to the age where he will make up his own mind. Believe it or not, he may even resent your husband for the loss of his mother. He needs a stable parent right now. For now, at least let the child have a decent relationship with the parent that is sober. Things are going to seem really bleak for a while but you have everything to gain by your sobriety.

Things will get better, Babescake.

If you are trying to get him to go to keep your marriage together, I would say that won't work. If you mean would it be a good support for him? Sure, if he is willing to accept that. It has to be his choice.

I attended Celebrate Recovery for a very long time, it's quite similar. My XAH did as well. It did help me create some empathy for those with addiction, and certainly helped me understand it more. Now, it did not change my position of believing it's a choice, but that's simply my position. It also provided me face to face support from people who could understand what I was going through, and gave me a change to help others as well.

Im not on the family forum for codependency. My focus is more on taking what I can from the shares of others experiences, and I appreciate all the new people who post and share a bit from their own life. Im interested in finding things that help me, and also things that are focused on family dynamics and how to better care for the important relationships I have in my life.

I agree

I would hope he would never do this, but.....if it is your main concern, bashing each other to the child is something you should be able to have written in the divorce decree as a giant NO-NO!

you can't really control what your H says to your DS. however, if you maintain 100% sobriety for here on out, it is less likely that he'd be inclined to say such negative things.