"What bothers me too is that if he really loved me how could he have said all those things?"

Because to him, it's ok to treat someone badly and just say you love
them.

He doesn't know what love really is, and just wants to get drunk,
treat you badly, and guilt you/manipulate you into forgiving him.
It's a game to him, and you will always lose.

It's a critical point in your life right now- to understand what you
will accept as a loving relationship. Please read your original post,
and ask yourself if you want to spend anymore of your life with
someone who treats you so badly. Please go to alanon or consider
counseling to get to the root of your needs.

You've gotten some great advice here, words of wisdom gained
through great heartache and experience- all to help you avoid it.
I hope you will consider it.

I can't see the video... So I shouldn't take his actions or words towards me personally? It's hard to differentiate.

Thank you for all your help figuring this out.

I really appreciate all these words of wisdom and advice because it does help me. I am wrapping my head around all the words and trying to get my feelings to match. I know it will take time and I cannot rush things. I just want the pain and curiosity to go away.

I am also waiting on an apology from him. I may be waiting for something that may never come but I am hoping one day he will realize what he did and how he hurt me. He may not know how to love or that may be the only way he knows how to love... But I honestly believed that he loved me.. despite the mean and hurtful actions and words.

But I honestly believed that he loved me.. despite the mean and hurtful actions and words.

please try to examine this statement objectively......and your definition of what LOVE, real honest adult love, means.........

Stella, if your concept of love is that it is hurtful and mean,
then you will surely suffer because of it until your understanding
changes.

If your concept of love is that it is kind, caring, respectful, and not
mean and hurtful, well then you have a much better chance for a
healthy relationship. Sure people will argue, the difference is
they will resolve a disagreement respectfully. With a drunk
person, you will argue about inane things, never resolve them
and the alcoholic will come up with an endless list of criticisms
and arguements that will all leave you feeling terrible and confused.
You will never make anyone accept their own responsibility for their
actions, they must be mature enough and have the integrity to do
that themselves.

That does sound ridiculous now that I read the statement... I guess I was blindly in love. I know what that means now... He fooled me.

This situation is exactly mine. Only thing he hardly accepted responsibility. He also never tried to resolve anything. He just passed it off like nothing happened which left me confused and thinking it is my fault.. Making me feel low about myself and I accepted this with no question. I grew familiar to this feeling.

I feel sad reading all of this but it's because it's helping me see the reality. The reality of my situation without the rose-colored glass. The reality that I made the right decision and that I need to be away from him. Thank you for everyone for not making me feel alone.

I need to know.. to cure my curiosity and for my peace of mind...

Will he or does he feel remorse for what happened or what he did? Does he even think that he caused any of this? I just need to know..

Impossible to know, really. Since alcoholism is above all a disease of denial, admitting even to himself that his drinking may have caused your breakup may be a mental leap too far...because if drinking has consequences, ergo, he logically would have to stop drinking. Most likely he will reinvent the relationship in his mind to the point where you wouldn’t recognize it.

I think maybe what you’re really asking is if he’ll suddenly come to, so to speak?

It’s very unlikely, especially at his advanced stage.

If you spend some time reading here, you’ll come to understand in time that in fact, you ending it now instead of losing more months and years trying to change him is actually a gift.

But it doesn’t feel that way now, I know.

Sending you clarity and strength.

Stella.....are you wondering if the relationship was "real"....or if you were involved in a "sham"? Wondering if you were duped....and feeling shame about that...?
the reason I ask these particular questions, is because so many people report feeling this way....and asking these questions after a relationship with an alcoholic or addict (or any messed up person) implodes.....

I think the thing for you to recognize is that YOUR feelings were REAL and you did your best to honor the relationship...that you were honest....
You will never know what goes on inside another persons head, for sure. You might be shocked if you could see the chaos inside of his head.
Just know that it was not enough to sustain a healthy relationship with anyone...for him...and, certainly not for you.....

You will probably not get the nice neat "closure' that you are thinking of.....that doesn't happen with most breakups, anyway. Well...maybe, occasionally, with very mature and evolved people....

Some things, in life, just have to be accepted.....because there is simply no other option.....

If he's still actively drinking and doesn't plan on stopping. No.. he does not care about your relationship. He might say he does and might wish he was capable of caring,but there's only one thing on his mind. It's really a crazy feeling...all you think about is drinking or the next drink. Nothing else matters, as much as we want it to. :a043:

Reading all those facts and knowing that in the moment when I was on the receiving end, it felt demoralizing and confusing. Maybe he is or is not an alcoholic, I don't know, but I do know that it hurt when he'd bring me down and he wouldn't even know it.

I'm trying to focus on the truth rather than the good times I remember. Or even the VB loneliness that is sinking in for me.

remember.....you were DATING, for less than a year. one of the healthiest things we can learn to do is get OUT of a relationship, to end it when we are ready and for whatever reason we choose. conversely, we must learn to give that same permission to the other party.

^^^^^^The Truth.....!!!

Hey Stella,

If someone is making you doubt yourself and you think you're going crazy, that is 100% manipulation. No one in a relationship should doubt themselves. We have different perceptions to events but not so different that one would feel they are losing their mind. Unless they are actually losing it, which you're not. As don't remember and others have said, run and run fast and far. Then get to Al-anon or some other co-depenency program. This will help you to see the manipulation and unhealthy aspects of relationships.

Here is something that I read....and I made a special note of it, so that I would never forget it----
"When one is constantly responding to crazy--without realizing that it IS crazy-----One will eventually begin to behave crazy....Crazy begets crazy".

I absolutely believe this to be true......

My mind has been so warped by what I deserve, what I feel and what I think. I am looking at the al-anon meetings. Even if I was with him for only a short time I'm just surprised by the kind of impact he has on me. He had me convinced that what was happening I deserved. That I wasn't good enough. That it was normal for these kinds of arguments and fights.

I believed that he loved me and that everything he did was for me. That he didn't mean those things and was just speaking his mind. I doubted myself so much. His hot then cold attitude confused me but I just looked for the good in him.

Stella... this is not really off topic... but have you seen the 1947 movie "A Street Car Named Desire"? There's a scene where Marlon Brando, as the character Stanley, screams your name after his wife (also named Stella) leaves him. She left him because he had drunk himself into a violent rage... but then became a crying, pathetic mess screaming: Steeeellla! Hey Steeeellla! Of course she goes back to him and he carries her to bed. Yes, it's very messed up: Stella's husband is an abusive drunk, when she leaves him and he starts acting sorry for himself, she goes back to the relationship and sleeps with him to make him feel better. [Note: not saying every drunk is a domestic violence offender... if there is violence, please do not conflate the two as domestic violence and addiction are two things not one... even though they are often co-ocurring]. Eventually Stanley sexually assaults Blanche, Stella's sister who is very critical of the Stella-Stanley relationship. Blanche also happens to have a mental illness and the assault tips her over the edge so she becomes totally insane, which obviously has tragic consequences.

1) Stella should not have gone back to that drunken pathetic, abusive maniac.
2) Stella was probably used to the cycle: first Stanley is nasty, then Stanley acts like a victim, then Stanley is nice if Stella comforts him/ apologizes to him. She might have even said, "it's cause he drinks". Stella was in the relationship for so long that she was not able to see it for what it was. It didn't help that she compared her lot to Blanche's (Blanche was crazy). If Stella were surrounded by healthy people... then... there would be no play... and no movie.
3) Just because Stanley screamed "Stella" doesn't mean that he's changed!

Please don't be that Stella.

You feel intensely for this guy because you have been love-bombed. In the early part of the relationship, the addict, who above all seeks a fix, was trying to snort you/ get drunk on you. It made you seem important, as if this guy was "the one" because they might have told you that you were "the one". Not true. Drink or drugs are their #1. Soon after the love-bomb stage... they go back to their drink/drugs because love grows and changes... and people take work. So the fights start... they cool off... you are confused. Didn't they love you?

They might have wanted to love you.
They just love drink/drugs more.

You will be okay. Get help from Alanon... lots of wisdom there.

Crazy begets crazy. So true.

Stella, based on some of your previous comments I was
reminded of some effects that people who have unknowingly
gotten into relationships with narcissists feel. That you feel
like your going crazy, trying to understand what happened, not
with him that long, hitting it off so quickly, his
hot and cold demeanor.....

This is a link to a video, just watch with an open mind and see if
any of it resonates with you. It may not, but if it does, it's better
for you to understand who you might be dealing with.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xy222pgZ_o