New here but not new to this life
 

Hello. I'm new here as well but have beem struggling for awhile. My husband always drank but increased significantly over past 2 years. Through much pain for all of us, child services, counselling for kids and I, Al anon, his DUI, he seemed to have got to a better place with group counselling, depression meds and I've changed too. I don't react the way I did, adding fuel to the fire. I've been told when he is drinking usually that I try to control him 24/7, I don't socialize enough and he feels negativity towards me. I'll admit when things were really bad I was trying to control a crazy situation and made sure kids and I got professional help and had support. I do socialize but not every type of socializing needs drinks. I work fulltime, we have teens, go to gym, hang out with other parents and families, out for dinner few times a week with husband or others. And I like to have some drinks too but don't need it. His dad was an alcoholic and there's no contact. I decided to keep going and give him a chance to rebuild the relationship with me and our kids (teens) as long as I can control my emotions and I'm not miserable all the time. My question to you all is if there is ever any real change? I feel there has been but a lot I think has happened from how I've changed my reactions.(Thx to Alanon) Am I just kidding myself?? Just need to hear from others who understand. Thx.

Hello and welcome.

I think addicts act out and are more critical as we become more healthy and change our own reactions. Always looking for a way to put the focus on the other person instead of accepting they have a problem. Most of us here have went through that crazy time of trying to control the situation and the other person, until we realize, you can't!!!! The Three C's are:

You cannot CONTROL it, you cannot CURE it, and most importantly, you DID NOT CAUSE IT!!!!

If he is still drinking heavily, that does not sound stable for you or your kids. To answer your question yes, there can be change. However, they have to work recovery and want that every single day, for the rest of their lives. It's a big commitment that not many are willing to make.

Keep posting, you are not alone.

Thanks for replying! Drinking amount that I can see has reduced and good changes around our kids so good news there. I have accepted the 3 Cs but sometimes need reminding. I have actually have been finally brave enough to say calmly, without being upset, I'm sorry you're not happy, I love you but you need to figure it out. I'll help if you want it but what you see is controlling is kind of like regular communication and openness in marriage. Or should be anyway. Hard to really know what he wants because I'm not really sure he's figured it out. I am trying to go on the actions that I see and not be naive about the rest.

I think basing things on the actions you see is a healthy thing to do. I always say it's actions, not words. It's quite likely that he has not figured it all out for himself.

I hope you have a face to face support system in place such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, therapy, whatever. That's important for you. And keep coming back here to SR. This is a place of great support from people who really do understand.

It sounds like you are keeping to your side of the street and letting him figure out his recovery, and even if you don't always see it, that's a really good thing.

Gentle hugs.

Smile.....you didn't say whether he is attending AA, or not.....
You said that he is attending group counseling and on antidepressants. (I assume the group sessions are for depression and not specifically for alcoholism?).....
While it is not your job to direct his recovery process....I happen to think that it is good for you to really be well educated about alcoholism. That is so that you know the reality of what you are up against.

there is a big difference between just being sober (not drinking) and, being in recovery from alcoholism. Recovery involves making changes from the inside...(that is where the 12 steps come in)....it involves changes in thinking...which leads to changes in feelings...which leads to changes in attitude...which leads to changes in behavior.....Of course, this requires a lot of motivation and time and really dedicated work...It has to be placed as top priority in his life (for him).
Nobody can force him or make him do it....

I dare say that you have never fully known the real, sober him. He has been drinking since you knew him. He may not even be able to remember the "real" him...before the alcohol.
Once the person gets sober (completely puts the bottle down) and, then begins working on their recovery process...it takes at least, one to two years to begin to know the real, authentic self, again......

***I think that it is great that he is going to the group meetings and is taking his anti-depressants! I am just thinking that he may need to specifically address the alcoholism.

In our "sticky" section, we have a wealth of information in dozens and dozens of articles in our library....
Here is a link that takes you to Classic Readings....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

[QUOTE=dandylion;6584432]Smile.....you didn't say whether he is attending AA, or not.....
You said that he is attending group counseling and on antidepressants. (I assume the group sessions are for depression and not specifically for alcoholism?).....
While it is not your job to direct his recovery process....I happen to think that it is good for you to really be well educated about alcoholism. That is so that you know the reality of what you are up against.

there is a big difference between just being sober (not drinking) and, being in recovery from alcoholism. Recovery involves making changes from the inside...(that is where the 12 steps come in)....it involves changes in thinking...which leads to changes in feelings...which leads to changes in attitude...which leads to changes in behavior.....Of course, this requires a lot of motivation and time and really dedicated work...It has to be placed as top priority in his life (for him).
Nobody can force him or make him do it....

I dare say that you have never fully known the real, sober him. He has been drinking since you knew him. He may not even be able to remember the "real" him...before the alcohol.
Once the person gets sober (completely puts the bottle down) and, then begins working on their recovery process...it takes at least, one to two years to begin to know the real, authentic self, again......

***I think that it is great that he is going to the group meetings and is taking his anti-depressants! I am just thinking that he may need to specifically address the alcoholism.


The group is for addiction recovery, once per week. He went once to AA but didn't seem interested. Pretty much like many spouses I would think I struggle with his choices vs addiction. So I try to remember the 3cs and work on me, control my emotions. I've got to a better place too but doesn't sound like a great way to live. Pretty hard not to take it personally sometimes even though I know not my fault. Thx for listening.

Smile.....in the end, you are the one who is entitled to decide the kind of life th at you want. What you want to live with, and what you can't or don't want to live with.
Your happiness is just as important as anyone else's.
We were put on this Earth to thrive...not just exist.....

It is totally o.k. to leave any relationship that you don't want to be in for any reason.
You seem to want to stay for now...? but, over time you might change your mind...and, if you do, that is your privilege.....

Welcome Smile. Change and transformation take time on both sides. Its good that BOTH of you are getting help. I try to look at actions, but also over time there has been an ease in communication and openness within our marriage. Working on my own emotions and my interactions has been really important for me. It looks like you and your kids are in counseling, and your also trying Alanon. Those are great steps and I also did both for a while.

If your husbands use increased the past couple years, and he had now decreased due to consequences (was it a DUI) that is progress. Being in addiction counseling is a valid recovery approach all on its own. Ive found counseling for myself did take time with steps forward and back as the mind works in mysterious ways, and its also hard to learn and implement new concepts.

Great you are here Thanks for sharing.