Oh my. I could write the very same words. My story feels very similarly. I feel yanked around emotionally because I often can't tell who is more messed up. I've tried to just retreat when he's acting like a raging lunatic, but then I'm sad that we're not spending time together so I adapt. Then we fight and I think I've done something wrong when in fact he's been acting like a crazy person. I honestly don't know who's crazier. Just thinking today I need to try another al-anon meeting. I've only been to one and I didn't really feel it. But I might try another one today. In any case, you're not alone. Remember that. Good luck.

"And claiming that we had to build a foundation before I could get any of the things that I wanted out of the relationship such as going out in public or meeting his friends or normal girlfriend things."

You sure he's not married or has another you somewhere? Because this has girlfriend on the side written all over it.

And I STILL think you would benefit from reading "Why Does He DO That?" A lot of the things you find so confusing will, I suspect, start to make sense.

Hitbytrain,
I'm catching up but so many things you said hit home with me. Sometimes I just have to throw in my two cents worth. And I don't know how to do the fancy quote in a grey box thing so I'll put your remarks in quotes.

"It was a month ago when I first read about and learned what alcohol is him really is. I really had no idea, I thought it was just a term and even thought that using the word disease was a cop out. "

I knew the term alcoholic and thought it was someone addicted to alcohol. I had no idea of the crazy-making, lying insanity that went with it.

" I've learned words I never heard of before like gaslighting, alcoholic, denial, detaching, deflecting, detracting, projecting, codependent, and so on."

Yep, me too. After my trip into hell and back I am fully versed in all of them.

"I've also learned of abuse."

When I first read the terms verbal abuse and emotional abuse it was an eye opener and really put a name to what I had experienced.

"You WERE overreacting about the Reunion."

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think that there is more to the story that he's not sharing. Are you sure he's not married or seeing someone else? Alcoholics lie. With my XAH lying was like breathing...it just came natural. So I think more will be revealed regarding the reunion thing.

"My brain is telling me right now that I really WAS happy."

I'm sure you miss the happy times. To this day I do also. But the happy times could never be counted on. The thing that you COULD count on was more crazy to come. And for me the happy did not outweigh the bad.

"Thank you everyone. So much pain. Waited my whole life for him. Never married. Thought it was a miracle and answered prayer to find him single. Thought he was just for me and finally made it back to me. I'm not just dealing with six months of loss... I lost a 34 year old dream. "

I get this. I was married very young for a few years and had been single for two and a half DECADES. And then I fall for my ex? I felt a number of things - hurt, pissed, confused. And probably mostly confused.

To this day I still question how I got in that mess and why did I stay in it so long. I have learned to be thankful for every day that is drama free and peaceful.

Keep reading and posting and get thyself to an Alanon meeting.

Crossed my mind
 

It crossed my mind. Especially since he did the disappearing thing. But I don't think there's a girlfriend.

We discussed this extensively... and his position was because of the three failed "marriages"... he didn't want his life intertwined with his life if his family or his kids again... unless he was confident it wouldn't go badly wrong again… Because it's too painful to break up as it is he would say, but it's harder when you put your family and your children through the break up to.

But once I met his family, he still used that exuse. And I realize there was something something else going on, not necessarily another woman, when this reunion thing happened. That was my wake up call because his children his family and his friends weren't going to be there… Just a bunch of people he hasn't seen in 30 years.

So he could no longer use his "going at a healthy pace" argument for why I was kept hidden. I think it was control. And I think he was using me to an extent and keeping me "hidden" if you will, so that he could just leave at any time. And he wouldn't have to tell anyone else he failed again. !!! Protecting his ego.

I also gained insight in his last email… When he reprimanded me for how the relationship was going and blamed me for why it was going so bad citing the fact that I was the one who wanted us to bring other people and other opinions into our relationship before we were ready.

He even asked "and look where that has gotten us?" And then went on to reinforce his decision for why I shouldn't go to the reunion with him because of that. We're not ready. We need a "foundation"

(To this day, I still don't know what that foundation was supposed to look like, or how we were supposed to know when we were "there".)

That odd mention of "letting other people's opinions in" in his final email sent chills up my spine because it made me feel like I was an abused woman being isolated. And it made me feel like there was more to the story and that he was deliberately isolating me for sure... but not for the reasons mentioned like family protection and learning from past mistakes ( those are probably the lies he told himself to justify his unhealthy behavior and requirements on our relationship.) but so that he could brainwash me perhaps, significantly enough so that when my friends noticed something or when his sister told me something I possibly wouldn't be affected by the truth. i'm sure it infuriated him when I was getting back up to my reality.

I actually think that is a possibility… As scary as it seems… that he wanted to keep the first six months to a year of our relationship entirely private and under his control.

Seems crazy mentioning such deliberate agendas, because they seem so off-the-wall… And because the truth is, I never really will know the truth. Whether it was another woman, or 10 other women, or zero other women, or another man for that matter.

I only know that I deserve better. And I deserve a normal relationship that's not kept in the dark, for any reason.

This is a big sore spot for me, because we argued about this often and he used this as a tool quite often to make me feel like I was trying to rush the relationship while he was trying to take wise steps and pace it out so that it would be successful. Just another mind flip and mind trip.

But is another question... has anyone else experienced a similar situation where you and the abuser are alone most of the time or else he's off doing his own thing without you?

"That odd mention of "letting other people's opinions in" in his final email sent chills up my spine because it made me feel like I was an abused woman being isolated."

Listen to your spine, girl.

"I actually think that is a possibility… As scary as it seems… that he wanted to keep the first six months to a year of our relationship entirely private and under his control."

I would bet my car on it.

You are fortunate in that you didn't lose much time to this relationship, you don't have children together, and you didn't combine finances. If you keep reading, you'll see how big a bullet you're dodging here.

There are decent lovely people who are alcoholics...like the people on this forum. There are nasty people with big emotional problems who are alcoholics...that's your guy. Removing the alcohol...even if you could and you can't...just leaves the rest.

P.S. He's been married THREE times?

This is exactly right. When I was wondering why I was mourning the loss of someone who'd lied to me about one thing or another for almost the entire 19 years we were married, I stumbled across this article. Here are the links to part 1 and 2. I found them helpful, hope you do too.

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

Giggle
 

This made me laugh. Good point!!! Logic works with me... either way he has emotional problems. I thought we all do. But I guess functioning in a healthy manner while having those emotional problems is different from hurting other people because you haven't address to your emotional problems.

And he was married two times but his last relationship before me was a 3+ year relationship so we referred to her as the third wife. Without paper. Sidenote… His sister is friends with that ex and she told me that the last ex was sick of him after six months it just took her two years to end it and then it took her a year to finally kick stick to it and kick him out for good and not take him back. Of course he never told me that side of the story.

Even sadder, when I heard that, I actually got jealous. Is that sick? Or what? I was actually jealous that he never broke up with her and he broke up with me 100 times. And I was jealous that she got to have so many years with him and when I found out that she ended it with him, it made me mad because I felt like he loved her more because he wouldn't go anywhere and he's left me so many times. Yep, I'm definitely brainwashed, I shouldn't be jealous I should be thanking my lucky stars.

Yep. Besides, she might have been too embarrassed to tell his sister how many times he walked out on her.

Lucky stars, indeed.

P.S. He'll be back, you know. He's not going to give up on that much training time that easily unless he does have someone else as a backup. So you need to be ready for when he patronizingly offers you another chance, you overemotional little mess you, as long as you let him tighten the noose that much more.

Honey pig!
 

You're the best honeypig!

and he broke up with me 100 times.

good rule for any future relationship - allow for one break up early on, but no more. that way we don't start a pattern.....the come here, go away dance. nor do we feel the need to try and be "worthy" - or in the reverse, try one more time to be ok with their BS.

i'm sorry for all you endured, but boy howdy did you get a crash course in Red Flags and dangerous men..........

Lol!
 

So funny. I was JUST thinking that reading back on my posts. I'm laughing. I'm crying. I'm over it. I love him. Lol. Gosh! So silly. But serious too I guess. These are our lives.

And you are 100% right. I'm certain that I will hear from him again. My hope is that he doesn't contact me until after the reunion, (next weekend) because that's what I will need to have final strength NOT to reply. It's possible I can ignore him no matter what, but if he waits another week there's a much greater chance that I will just hate him too much and not answer. Plus in my mind there's no point in even trying to go back to him after that weekend because I will never be able to trust him again anyway, so why put myself through even a little bit of pain when I know that weekend will be bothering me for the rest of my life. So EVERYTHIMG ELSE ASIDE, that weekend will haunt me and hurts me enough.

Besides… If I show what a good student I am in just a few days… I'm pretty sure that if I make an ultimatum and he doesn't choose me and I take him back without him agreeing to take me as his date or go to the doctor, which were my two ultimatums if he wants me in his life at all, I'm learning… I think… That if I even take him back he will have less respect for me And things will even get worse, and he will know at that point from what I've read, that no matter what he does I will never leave him so that he walked up the abuse possibly and get away with even more knowing that he has me in his grip. Did I pass? Lol

So yes, I am prepared for him to come back, but he would have to come back with something huge, I think to make me crack. But right now I can't even imagine what that something would be. I hope I don't reply. I seriously seriously hope I can ignore him.

I'm with Aries on this. It's total crap. It does sound like there's a gf somewhere but even if there isn't- it's crap.

The reunion: You absolutely should've been invited. That it was so important to you is (IMO) a result of you feeling insecure because of all the many ways he treated you badly. If you felt confident and secure and valued by him I think it might have mattered less. But for sure, for an overnight trip - you should've been welcome.

I've been with my partner almost 20 years. I've gone to a couple of reunion dinners. They bore me to tears lol. He's the only one I know and the rest of them rehash stuff from decades ago that I know nothing about.

For the past couple of events, I happily did not go - but if I wanted to, I could've. And if it was overnight I would have gone as we like going away overnight together.

You dodged a bullet for sure.

That is an excellent rule! Take it to heart my friend.

For the love of all the gods, if he comes back with an engagement ring do not go there, right?

Because you get an A for paragraph three and if you get engaged or god forbid marry this man, you are setting yourself up for lots more pain. There is a definite sadistic streak in his behavior...he likes to hurt you until you crack and lose it and then he can be all superior and dismissive.

He is soooo my ex husband. Don't do what I did.

Howdy!
 

Yes. Three weeks ago was when he attempted to seriously dump me, but yes, multiple times of him saying I'm leaving we're done it's over etc. but it was only during times when I was trying to get him to talk about something real or about something that he didn't want to talk about. And it was never his drinking I never confronted him about that until the last days it was just normal stuff like let's talk about that argument or let's talk about this weekend. If he didn't want talk about it or if I was doing something that he didn't want me to do, then he would fake break up with me or use it as a control mechanism to just get me to shut up.

Ok
 

Heard and received. Yes. I can't. I see too much now.

Besides there is a possibility he won't contact me… There was a lot of fighting the last three weeks and he gave me the impression that he's just sick of it. I was sick of it too. And apparently he's been fighting with people his whole life so I'm sure he's more sick of it than I am. So I guess there is a slight chance I won't hear from him, but I'm going to stay focused in the event that I do hear from him and I promise I will come to this forum before I do anything if that happens.

Needed to hear this
 

Thank U thank U thank U thank U thank U thank U thank U. There's a couple good little nuggets in this post that I really needed to hear. Thank you.

As for the other woman in theory, that's my top one dealbreaker of all time for any man. It always has been my entire life. I've never forgiven or taken any man back for even the remote escapades of cheating. Not even for secretly messaging someone on their phone or an online dating account. It's always been the end of the story for me and I never look back.

So if that's the case… Let's pray he DOES cheat or that he has cheated and I find out. That would actually be a blessing in disguise because that would be the no holds barred undeniable ammunition I would need to just spit on him in my mind and walk away for sure. I've never forgiven anyone for that. And I won't.

Hitbytrain....I gently point out that there is a big difference between "I hope I don't reply" and "I will not reply".
In one statement, you have left the door open....
In the other, you have made a decision and closed the door.

From where I sit, it looks, to me like he is treating you like "second class".
I understand that you carried a flame for him, all of these years....but, I'll bet in your "dreaming" of him, it never included him treating you second class...did it?

Lol...you keep making it sound like 45yrs old is the end of the world....like it is "old age", or something. Where did you get this idea? Don't buy into the ageism that this culture is selling!
You have a whole lifetime ahead of you...Real love has no age limit. You will still have wants and needs and desires at 60 (or older), as you have now.

One thing is for sure...that real love doesn't hurt
this bad....

Of course, you are going through the necessary grieving period....but, that is going to fade away, eventually....and you can put this whole learning experience behind you......(yea).

Mixed hope!
 

Great. Now I'm laughing and crying at the same time. Lol. Good logical points. Extremely helpful.

Thank you sweet person. You're right about everything. You all are.

My last hope comes from a few moments ago... hope that he indeed WON'T call again... here's my thinking...

The last three weeks was me being educated and enlightened. So I was armed with information. And therefore, treated him differently. He saw that I saw through the mask. He tried several attempts to double down, hold his positions, and see if he can break my well… He was hit with my new found mission of requiring him to be accountable for his part of the problems that we were having and my 'demand' that he no longer require ME to be 100% responsible for peace.

By doing that I think I sent him a message without realizing it that he know no longer has control over me to the point where I'm confused, and he no longer has me under his spell. In my email I even specifically said I'm glad I finally see through the smoke and mirrors. You have the wrong woman if you think I will allow you to make me your next victim… Especially since now I know exactly what is going on. And especially since now I know that you did the same thing to everyone else and no matter how bad you have a disease or bad thinking in your brain, I told him, there's no rationale in the world that could possibly convince you that I too, was also responsible for what those women did to you.

So I hit him with logic armed with the information about the denial of an alcoholic, and I ignorantly thought that that would wake him up to see… Oh well it can't possibly be her… Maybe it really is me.

If he realizes it, he never blinked.

Plus! I may or may not have handled the whole thing correctly as experts suggest… But I've also brought up the alcohol. And I brought it up many times. In the last three weeks only. So I definitely threw him for a loop too… I've been in the dark for six months and allowing him to make me a victim.

But these last few weeks have showed him that I truly am no dummy, I know exactly what's going on, and that I'm not backing down and I'm not going to just pretend that this alcohol thing doesn't exist now that I know it exists.

So if his addiction is that important to him, as I think everyone says it is, then I'm leaning more towards never hearing from him again… Because he can't live in fantasyland with me anymore. And he's lived the last 20 years in fantasyland. And kept everyone close to him there too.

So maybe my street smarts, my book smarts, my commonsense, and my own personal addiction to share logic have saved me in this case. Because I figured out what was going on and I called him out on it immediately. And I didn't back down and he didn't back down and I ended it.

If nothing else, I've got him thinking. But that's if he has a conscience at all. It's also possible if he's thinking about anything… It's his new plan for how to get me back under his trap and convince me that maybe I'm wrong again or whatever. At this point I've had so little sleep this week and I really don't care. LOL I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm pissed and I am hungry.

So fingers crossed! And thank God for all the new friends I've made here.

Plus! statistics show that if you haven't married by age 40 you have a better chance of being struck by lightning twice. LOL hence my panicking. At this point after this last experience I think I would've rather been hit by lightning. :-)

Fool no more
 

I guess where I'm finally landing after several very long weeks and days and nights nonstop working on this... is that he can't fool me anymore and he knows that now. And he needs a fool. So if for no other reason, that is why it will no longer work. For him or for me.

I could block my phone and Facebook and email and all of that nonsense… But then I would just be living in anxiety and fear wondering if he is contacting me and being afraid that he'll show up at my door if that's the case. So I'd rather just trust God, trust myself, go about my life, trust my solid upbringing and my good sense, trust the wise words of all of you guys and the many resources you've given me, and if he contacts me.. just ignore it.

The end.