Husband made such an embarrassment of himself last night!
 

I haven't posted here for over 4 years. My husband did go to in-house rehab back in April of 2015 for 2 weeks. Mostly because he was so unhappy with his job and he was drinking a lot. He came out of rehab feeling good about himself and not drinking for about a month. Saying that we'd start hanging out with the AA people at these sober picnics and be around others who don't drink. Well that never happened. Then he would have a beer or two on the weekend and say "It's just a beer. I'm fine". Within a few months he was right back to where he was before-drinking every day, but he thought it was okay because he had quit his job and found another one he liked so he was happier.

Well he can still go through a bottle of whiskey in 3-4 days, a 6 pack of beer lasts him 2-3 days. Last night was a night where I haven't seen him that bad until right before he went into rehab. He was a total embarrassment last night. He worked Sunday so now their policy is, because it's been pretty slow, that if you work Sunday then you can take a day off during the week. Well he took yesterday off. I get home at 5PM and I can tell he's already well on his way to being drunk. Slurring his words a bit, being really loud. He even told me "Just to warn you, I've had a bit to drink. I didn't start until about 3PM though." So in 2 hours you are already sounding like this?? Well about 7PM I was out on the porch looking across the street where they are building new houses. H comes out and then shortly thereafter taps me on the should and says "Look". He was pointing across the street and I couldn't see anything. Well there's a port-a-potty across the street for the workers to use while they are building the houses. He says "Someone just went in there. They had on a striped shirt and blond hair". I tell him that I didn't see anyone (I was kind of behind a post and had to move over when he was pointing) but still never heard a door open or close. Here's where it gets super embarrassing. He has his robe, sweats and slippers on and goes running across the street and stands in front of the port-a-potty. I wanted to crawl in a hole and was hoping the neighbors didn't see any of this. A car drove by and he waved at it. He stood there for a couple of minutes and I finally went inside. About a minute later (because I wasn't there to witness any of it) he comes stomping into the house and goes "Where did you go. I was going to knock on the door and ask them if they were done yet, but you weren't there to see it." What are you, 16?? He is going to turn 50 next year. I then go back and sit on the porch and watch the port-a-potty for almost 15 minutes and I say to him "Nobody has come out of there. I don't think there's anyone in there". He goes "I'm not that drunk that I'm seeing people who aren't there. I could hear them rattling around in there." He runs back over and opens the door and there's nobody there. Well obviously you are that drunk because nobody is there! Then he's making tacos and he asks what I want with it and I say beans and rice. He gets out the beans and rice and starts cooking them, goes back to his computer to sit and play and I come in the room and he goes "What do you want with the tacos"? Ummm...beans and rice, like the ones you just got out and started cooking 5 minutes ago". He goes "Oh yeah that's right". You can't tell me he wasn't super drunk to say that. I couldn't wait for the night to end.

Yep. It got to the point where I didn't want to go to public or private gatherings or anywhere in public venues because I got tired of the embarrassing moments.

For mine, she went "sober" for 2 years. Then it became, Oh its just wine. I can manage wine better........until she couldn't.

Don't miss that life at all.

I suspect she was never really sober, she just did a better job at hiding it. Don't know, don't care.

And the thing is, he thinks he's being absolutely hilarious and if I tell him to stop it he'll say "I'm just having fun jeez! It's my day off". Yet if I had done that you know he would have told me what an ass I was making of myself. There have been other times when we'd get home after a night out and rather than wait 10 seconds to get into the house to go to the bathroom, he'd just whip it out in the driveway saying it's dark and nobody can see him. He has also peed in our backyard in the middle of the day rather than go inside.

early on in recovery i was told that an alcoholic stops growing mentally and emotionally when they take their first drink. i found it true for me. although 36 when i got sober, i was 13 ish mentally and emotionally.


so, onto soltuions for ya.....what are you going to do?

Mapper, I know people can do a lot of strange things when drinking, but do you think there might be some reason to believe he might be also suffering from some kind of early stage dementia? Based on your last post I thought it might be worth mentioning. So sorry you're having to go through this. :-(

Well he's never going to change. He's been drinking all his life to excess. He can't just have ONE drink. He likes his video games and he has to have a drink near him while playing. We never go and do anything because he has no motivation. He says over and over again that he wants to lose the gut he's gained over the past couple years, but still stops at fast food restaurants every day and consumes so much beer. I asked him to go for a walk with me a few nights ago and he goes "Nah, that's too much work". I tell him I want to show him the new trail they made along the wetland so he finally agrees. We turn down the path and he says "Oh that's nice" and then I start walking towards it and he goes "Well I don't want to walk down there". He just wanted to go home. Well if taking a slow walk around the neighborhood is too taxing for him, how does he think he's going to lose any weight??!! He never wants to do anything unless it involves a bar.

He's always been forgetful. It's just his nature. He's always so focuses on video games or tv or guitar or motorcycles that he says something and then forgets it later. But i mean that's like 24 hours later, last night it was 5 minutes later.

What about you? How do you want to live your one precious life?

actually, i was asking about what are you going to do for you.
not what you were going to do to try and get him to change.

what do YOU want out of life?
where do YOU want to be in a year?

I'd love to have all the projects he talks about actually done around the house. New bedroom set, fix the pond, build the shed out back, hardwood floors, vacation to Europe. But none of it will happen. We don't have the money and he'll try and do it himself which will end up with something that will break or fall apart (like the firepit and new door that he swore he could do and the firepit is crumbling and the door won't close all the way). Any money we do manage to have goes towards bills and all his debt that he's accumulated.

so what if all your plans and wants did not hinge on an unreliable, disappointing, embarrassing alcoholic?

you don't HAVE to live like this.............

Well my bank account wouldn't have been drained by paying all his bills and having to pay for pretty much the entirety of our shared bills. I'd have a lot more money and I'd probably hire people to do all this stuff!

and so..................?

Yep, that is who he is. Sounds like you're pretty clear on that. Will you continue to focus on him and his numerous shortcomings, or will you begin to think about how to get the life you really want? One where you take responsibility for yourself and don't depend on someone who's shown you a zillion times that he can't be depended on?

You joined here what, 4 years ago? Are things any better? Might it be time to get on w/your own life?

I swear you have been in my house. STBXAH is constantly forgetting things within minutes of discussing them. He also loses all sense of timing when he cooks which makes me very nervous, not to mention requiring me to either eat overcooked food or take over the responsibility.

What kinds of things do you like to do without your alcoholic husband? Is there anything that brings you happiness? Dreams? Bucket list, large or small?

Staring at a porta-potty for fifteen minutes to see if anyone comes out of it because your alcoholic husband swears he saw someone go in doesn't strike me as a great way to spend your time. What would you rather be doing?

I used to work out and get out and do things before I moved out here to be with him 8 years ago now. I was on a volleyball league with my friends, went for a lot of walks and bike rides, kept my house spotless. Now I don't play volleyball, I don't have a bike anymore so no bike rides. I go for walks, but usually when he's not around because then I get some kind of sarcastic "Oh that sounds thrilling" or "Wow you must be bored". I am always cleaning the house now because of 4 cats and him and it's never really "clean". I've gained about 25 lbs since I've been out here because I just never do anything. I just started volunteering at an animal sanctuary last weekend and will probably go every other weekend because it's kind of a haul to get there, but even already he's being smarmy with me saying "If you aren't cleaning then you are watching tv or volunteering". Like volunteering is a bad thing now when he was all on board a few weeks ago. Well I go out and do anything on my own I get the sarcastic "Oh fine go out and just leave me here doing my own thing. No go have fun and don't think about me". But when I do ask him to do something he goes "Oh that sounds like a lot of work. I just want to sit here and play my video game and take a nap."

It's like I'm almost afraid to do anything because he's going to knock it or ask why he can't come. He keeps saying I need to get a hobby but he makes fun of everything I do, what I read, what I watch, the music I listen to. I should read sci-fi like him instead of mysteries, listen to punk rock like him instead of country and pop, watch sci fi and action movies like him instead of dramas and indies.

ok, so besides HIS snarky comments (him being the guy in the bathrobe on self-appointed porta-potty security detail) and his lack of interest in doing stuff, what is stopping you?

i agree, that you found it necessary to stare at a porta-potty for FIFTEEN minutes to be sure your drunk off his @ss husband didn't really see someone go in (and by the way......WHO CARES who used it???) says a lot about what you have allowed your one precious life to become.

What stops me is the way he can make me feel with one small snarky comment. If he can't be happy for me doing something and makes me feel bad for wanting to go out, I won't go out because all I will think about is the attitude I will get from him upon my return and it will ruin my who outing.

"No go have fun and don't think about me."

Take him at his word.

Being trapped at home being the Drunk King's handmaiden sounds like it makes you miserable. So at least go out, do what makes you happy, and ignore the whining best you can when you get home.

He's made his choices. But you can still make yours, yes?

i9 and im sure many others her) can relate to how his comments make you feel.
it wasnt easy accepting it was myself that was making me feel useless. it was myself that gave me low self esteem. because i allowed those comments control me.
they were ALL untrue feelings. something i have to remember still today is that i can have feelings, but they arent always true.

so, something i think you should remember- look where the OPINIONS are coming from- a drunken fool who stands outside a porta potty in his robe and gonna knock on the door and ask if theyre done yet.

Mapper, youre going to get a LOT of great advise here on how to change how YOU feel about yourself and actions to take to have a better life-one you deserve.
PLEASE use it. these people know what theyre talkin about. theyve been in your shoes.

as for him?
hes just a sick little child who doesnt like himself, so hes going to do what he can to make you feel the same.
dont allow it. because you dont deserve it.

Hi, and welcome.

I'm hearing a lot of negativity and "can't" in your posts. Yes, living with a self-absorbed alcoholic can suck the life out of a person. It may FEEL like you are trapped and have no choices, but feelings aren't facts. You do, in fact, have options. Many of them.

What you are lacking is the will to make the changes necessary to have a happy life. And I'm not talking about leaving him (not yet--that may become an option you'll want to consider in the future). I'm talking about taking small, manageable steps.

The first one I'd suggest is finding an Al-Anon meeting or two nearby and start attending. Not a huge commitment, a couple of hours a week. This is something you do FOR YOU. It's not about getting him to change, it's about changing YOU so you can start thinking about what you really want in life. Yes, you'd love for him to get sober and do the things he should be doing. It should be fairly obvious at this point that that isn't in your immediate future, right? So instead of daydreaming about hitting the sobriety lottery, maybe it's time to look for other things that could make your life better.

If nothing else, the meetings will open a crack in your self-imposed isolation. Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when my life felt hopeless. Seems like you don't have a lot to lose by giving it a try. You really need to try at least a half-dozen meetings to really get a sense of what the program is about.

Don't you owe it to yourself?

It must be very hard to remain true to who you are and do the things you enjoy (like walks, volunteering, lunch with a girlfriend) with all the negative pressure coming down on you from his comments. I bet they are tied to some dramatic facial expressions too.

My therapist would probably suggest the first thing to work on would be the weight put on his words, and the feelings that are internalized based on that.

One of the things that reached out to me in your post was about how you used to be very active and had a good social life outside him. Fun activities that reinforced good feelings inside.

And then did you relocate? That happened to me too.

I just recently opened up to my family and some of my close friends, and it made me feel so much better. Since doing that, Ive begun to focus outward more and allow more of what I used to love and enjoy back into my life. It can do a lot to refresh ones outlook.

I may be the odd one out, but I have to admit I probably would have watched the porta potty for a while too because who would be out in a neighborhood using a construction crews porta potty? What if it was that odd neighbor? Pretty sure I would be curious enough to watch for a few minutes at least.

Sounds like you're giving him too much control, and at the same time you're well aware that he's not functioning well.
Be clear in your mind that he's intent on making sure you dance to his tune, but it will only work if you let it.
Leave him to it and go out and do thing you like. Start controlling your own life and your mood will lift.
How to not let the snide comments get to you? think about where and who they're coming from.

Other people cannot make us “feel” anything without our permission. Sadly without you learning some new coping skills, learning to detach from his alcoholic behaviors – you will remain a hostage in this un-healthy relationship.

I'd seriously give al-anon a try.

When other posters are asking you about what you can do to change, you have automatically blamed him for not allowing you to do this or do that. I completely understand feeling like you’re being held hostage in your own home. He wants you to validate him. Even though he’s just playing video games or doing his own thing, he still doesn’t want you to go out and enjoy life. He needs someone to drink with him even though you not even drinking with him. I get that whole idea of he thinks he’s being funny. My AH doesn’t think he’s being funny, I don’t believe, but he does think it’s a big party when he’s drunk. It’s my hell, not a party. I think he finally knows this but has now started hiding alcohol.
I would tell him very calmly and ONLY when he’s sober, that you’ll be disregarding the snarky comments that are making you feel bad about wanting to get out of the house. But if he could refrain from making the snarky comments to begin with, you’d appreciate it. Never engage a drunk. I limit my interaction and communication with my AH (when he’s drinking) severely. Also, how about just doing your thing without discussing it with him? If I want to go to the store, or go shopping, or to the park with the dog, I JUST DO IT. If he’s doing his own thing, you can do YOUR own thing. He didn’t ask for your approval to be drunk. Do you need to ask for his to go for a walk?! Just something to think about.

Please read up on co-dependency. You could benefit from learning how to detach. It’s hard to do, for sure. But even just a little helps.

Thank you for all your posts. I know, and I've known for a long time, that I need to start doing what I want to do when I want to do it, but can't make myself do it because I'm so shy and sensitive to his and everyone else's feelings.

Last night was another doozy. He was home about 7PM and came to bed at midnight. Within those 5 hours he had 5 beers and at least 2 mixed drinks that I saw. He came to bed and seemed fine, but within 10 minutes he got up and started throwing up. When he does end up throwing up (which happens maybe once every 3 or 4 months from too much to drink) he'll do it once and then be fine. Last night he threw up for at least 2 1/2 hours. He laid on the couch but kept going into the bathroom, which kept me up all that time as well. I finally fell back asleep by 3 but was awakened by our one cat around 4 and didn't get back to sleep. So I am working on about 3 hours worth of sleep today thanks to him and he's already texted his boss that he'll at least be late (which more than likely means he won't go in at all).

So a lovely Memorial Day weekend starts. The weather is beautiful, but I'm too tired to enjoy it and I get to come home to him probably laying in bed all day and missing work. He isn't getting paid for a sick day either because they don't get those.

Sounds like a good weekend to get outdoors, or take a little road trip to somewhere new by yourself or with a friend! No need to stay home and watch, and get sucked into the misery!

While that's a lot of alcohol for most people, seven drinks over five hours leading to him vomiting that much suggests he is either hiding other drinking (like maybe before he came home, so he's possibly driving while drinking), he's developed some serious physical damage, or he's using something else as well. Possibly all of the above.

Its time to focus on YOU. Getting educated about alcoholism is a good start...this forum is invaluable. Al-anon is a great place to meet other people in your situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Well I know he doesn't drink before he comes home because he gets home pretty much right on time after work and he'll call and tell me if he is going out with any of the guys after work. And quite honestly, he doesn't have the wherewithal to try and hide anything and I don't know why he would because he drinks plenty in plain view as it is. Plus I monitor his bank account (because I know his password) and I can tell when and where he spends his money because it's all done via his debit card.

And you are right in saying that that is a lot of alcohol, but he's drank that much before without an issue. I mean the previous night he was pretty much blotto and slurring his speech and not remembering things and he felt fine in the morning. Last night he seemed perfectly sober to me when I went to bed at 10. He was saying to me last night that he didn't know what was wrong because he had a lot to drink but he never throws up that much and he also said he felt really amped when he'd lay down. The only other thing he does is smoke pot and that would not make him amped.