Revisiting the Briar Patch of my FOO
 

A recent family event with my FOO had me scurrying back to my sanctuary as fast as possible.... and reminded me very much of the reference Briar Patch reference that honeypig spoke of a while back:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html

It is EXHAUSTING to be around my family & even DD has started to recognize/comment on this as time goes on. The amount of energy that my mother & sister exert spinning in toxic circles simply amazes me at this point - it's like a train wreck I can't take my eyes off.

My mother hasn't changed so much as she simply redirected the stuff I no longer accept toward my sister instead. She is seemingly in the camp of recovering people that believe that knowing the source of your wounds is enough to create healing. It is no lie to say that her wounds & her sense of victimization have become physically rooted in her via a neverending list of issues & 'isms". She recently stressed herself out so badly that it kick-started her seizure activity again.

My sister has apparently decided that the best way to manage the situation is to step fully into the Codie Role I've vacated - right down to gaining every single pound I've lost over the last couple of years. She spends every minute trying to control everything around her, 100%. For all intents & purposes, everything in her life is great - she's got the job she went after last year, her long-term boyfriend moved in & has been a great role model for her kids, both of her kids are flourishing..... yet, she's MISERABLE & it has gone on long enough now that everyone can see it, even while she denies it. I hear her complain about the exact same things I've tried to explain to her as dysfunctional - but now that she's experiencing them, it's a horse of a different color, you know? :dunno:

The only thing they really come together over is how my changes as a recovered person offend them terribly - to them, *I* am the insensitive, uncaring one. To them, I "just think it's so easy - I have it all 'figured' out". :headbange

Just when I start to wonder if I am taking Limited Contact too far, my HP shows me perfect examples of how I'm on the right path... and how that path will never again include anything more than a short pit stop in the Briar Patch; I am SO grateful.

This is awesome FS. Not so awesome that you see your sister in the whirlwind of toxicity, but I'm so glad it isn't you.

Since getting here, my thoughts on my family dynamic have changes A LOT. I can see pretty clearly where my issues started at least (before I took the ball and ran with them.) FOO stuff is so difficult....and you sound just healthy and fantastic through it!

I remember an ACOA meeting once when I was first starting my recovery, where one of the members was describing going no contact with her own mother, who was "so toxic." At the time, I simply didn't get it.

Now, I TOTALLY get it. Good for you, FireSprite!!!

FS, I'm so glad you are able to see that toxic smog in your FOO and put on your Magic Cape of Impermeability as well as your Reality Goggles.

And it's bad enough when you see the insanity, but when you are resented for having seen it and taken action to get better? That is really just something you don't need to be exposed to...

You know, what you said about your mom thinking that identifying the source of one's wounds is enough to heal them is an accurate description of how XAH's mother is. His father was an A who did the rinse-repeat rehab thing and never got any meaningful sobriety. His mom went to Alanon and apparently was very active, sponsoring and so on. (This was all during XAH's younger years--as soon as the youngest child was out of the house, she divorced him and moved out.)

She was always fond of trotting out the Serenity Prayer at the slightest provocation. But as I got to know her better, it seemed to me she was real good at "accepting the things she couldn't change" but terrible at "changing the things she could." For example, she has been majorly overweight most of her life and became diabetic in recent years, but the most she had done about that was to say "well, when I was young, I learned that food was my friend. It was always there for me, blah blah." No effort to get past that, just that statement, like b/c that is how it was, there was no way to change how it is--you are just stuck w/your erroneous and unhealthy thoughts and habits for all eternity.

Yikes. It just struck me as I typed. XAH is exactly the same way. Oy vey. Well, there is something so obvious I can't believe I never thought of it in over 20 years!

I can't remember where I read this line, but it's stuck w/me for years: "Knowledge w/o action is the biggest self-con around." And it really is.

So glad you didn't fall for that con, even if others in your family did.

I am just so happy that it's not you still in that spot. While it's sad your sister pick up your place, she has the power within herself to change as well, just like you did.

Your recovery amazes me friend!

Fantastic to see how you've grown over the years. Good for you for stepping off of the drama triangle.

This was REALLY hard for me too, at first. The discomfort of no longer acting from a place of fear, obligation or guilt with FOO was some of the worst I've ever experienced. I had to force myself to follow through on new actions that didn't match the bubbling emotions.

My mom & sister will tell you that I just need to accept people/things as they are, when in reality I'm the only one that truly DOES have acceptance of it all..... and I accept that they don't have to change just like I don't have to volunteer myself to show up & engage. They are the ones that don't accept me and my changes in recovery. They are the ones that reject my growth as anything other than selfish. My sister has told me in so many words that she's just waiting for me to "get over it" & go back to status quo. Apparently she took on my Codie Robe expecting it to be a part-time gig.

I would love to have a real relationship with my mother but the fact is we NEVER have & I don't know how to start that in my mid-40's when we aren't both approaching it from the same perspective. And she's young at just 61 so we have a LOT of years ahead of us - too many for me to just ride it out - too many for DD to be exposed to all the wrong things. We've never bonded as parent/child & are 2 very intensely different people. It's no exaggeration to say that my mother literally doesn't like the person that I am, most of the time. The person that she was able to control as a child/codependent that no longer has those invisible chains tying me to her with people-pleasing behavior. The Victim in Her does not care for the Warrior in me & over the years she has shown this over & over. I'll never forget the card she gave me when I was 13 that literally said, "I love you even though I don't always like you". :hypnotize

Yeah, that pretty well sums up our relationship. Sigh. :giveup

My sister also lacks a bonded relationship with my mother - her own damage really didn't allow her to bond with us naturally. When sis needs a mom figure or advice, she calls me. When she needs a friend to just let her wallow, she calls mom. (these are her words, she's aware of how messed up our dynamic is but has no desire to peel below that layer of the onion)

Now, don't get me wrong - I am in NO way discounting the horrible damage my mother has suffered. She also sat on that information, burying it inside for 50+ years & now that she's finally let us all know the "why" of her issues, she also seems to act like we all "owe" her some kind of restitution & a guarantee of respect. She has suffered, don't we get it?? I've also read a recent study that backs up my concerns that she really HAS cracked somewhere deep inside (as a survivor of long-term incest), but that proving it is a monumental task I'm not equipped for:

Childhood Trauma Effects Often Persist into 50s and Beyond

But at my core, I truly believe we can ALL heal, no matter what, if we really WANT to.

And now you can't believe you never saw it before, it's SO simple, right?? :lmao

Knowing a thing does not change a thing. That takes hard work, understanding and awareness. Change is scary- hard. Well done, you.

Ach. Families. They mess us up in ways we can't even begin to think about.

Thanks for posting about your FOO. I went and looked at your past thread too and lots of hard earned wisdom shared, but sorry you have had to go through so much with your family.

My husband and I were talking about his family. He is planning a trip back to the area where his parents live so he can begin packing up our house for moving. Trying to have a relationship with his parents is simply unhealthy for him (and for me) at this point. He feels he can speak to his dad but is going to go no contact with his mom. Its a hard choice but its for the best at this point and time.

It took me a while to figure out what FOO meant when I first saw your thread title. I started thinking of Chinese Food and my favorite noodles.

Now there is a quotable quote indeed! One for the "Wisdom of SR" folder. Thanks, PJ!

:lmao Yes, it can be so confusing! This is helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-acronyms.html

It's ALWAYS the simple quotes that get me the most; I agree this one is great. It reminds me about the difference between knowledge (gained from reading about experience) and wisdom (gained from living experiences).

:scoregood