Help. Husbands 6th DWI
 

My husband is a functioning alcohol who works construction. It seems drinking is tolerated at his workplace. My husband drinks slowly but surely throughout the day. Last week he obtained his 6th DWI since 1995. He has a suspended drivers license for life on his record. I worried he may be looking at mandatory jail time. Of course, the first thing he did was contact his usual lawyer that will cost thousands. We have 4 kids and struggle with bills as it is. I plan on getting a alcohol machine installed on our car to prevent him from ever driving. I feel like I have to protect the innocent public. Our 17 daughter has her driving permit and is furious that I'm installing this. She was recently arrested for drinking under age at a wild party. I am at my wits end and am truely exhausted. I have been reading this site for weeks and hope I can benefit from posting. Thank you for reading.

Aww I'm sorry for what brings you here.

6 DWIs does not sound functioning, and honestly he SHOULD be looking at jail time.

How can you minimize the financial impact on you and the kids? I'm sure you are exhausted!!

goodness, six DUIs!? and drinking on the job. sorry hon, there is nothing functional about that.....he functions to DRINK.

sounds like teenage daughter is really testing her limits - she's had her whole life to watch her dad drink and get away with it. bit concerning that she's mad about the "blow 'n go" device. i'd keep an eye on her for sure.

have you considered YOUR options?

Sounds like the system will handle your husband, for now.

Your daughter is underage. She can't drink legally, let alone drink and drive. First, she doesn't get to have a say in this and second, the fact that this is even an issue for her is a huge concern and all the more reason to have it installed, yes?

Sending you a hug.

Hi, and welcome. First thing, your husband is NOT "functioning." Not if five DWIs haven't gotten the message across and he's still driving drunk. Your daughter can be as mad as she wants to--her own drinking behavior would have been reason enough to install the ignition lock, so she's got no grounds to complain about THAT.

Frankly, as hard as it will be on your family, your husband SHOUD go to jail. I'm astounded he hasn't gotten a jail sentence yet. He's overdue for one.

As bad as things seem right now, they WILL get worse. Have you been to Al-Anon? I have a feeling you will find it very helpful.

Sounds like you are under a lot of stress and all because of alcohol. Have you thought about giving al-anon a try? Maybe a in person support group plus posting here could be a big benefit for you.

I think the presumption of him going to work everyday and making money makes him functional but there is nothing functional about drinking all day long while at work. Whether that is acceptable on the job or not. I know you are counting on the money he does make to help with the bills but I would be very surprised if he does not go to jail. Attorney fees plus the lack of income is a real possibility you will be facing.

Do you have a home you can sell and downsize? Do you work? Can you pick up a second job?

Agree with others, on him being a functioning alcoholic. I can't imagine drinking is tolerated on a construction site, certainly doesn't sound safe at all !

Hi, roses--welcome to SR. Hope you find both support and education here.

You've gotten some good info already. I just want to chime in on the "functioning alcoholic" thing. First of all, that is not a type of alcoholic but a stage of alcoholism. He "functions" until he DOESN'T. And it's not necessarily a slow and even decline from "functioning" to "nonfunctioning"; things can change dramatically in just moments. If your AH had an accident at work and was found to have a measurable blood alcohol level, how long do you think he'd remain employed? And I suspect worker's comp wouldn't cover his medical care. If he killed someone while driving drunk, how would that impact ALL of your lives, and for how long?

And again, even the term "functioning alcoholic" is misleading--this thread talks more about it:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-re-post.html

It sounds as if you will need all the support you can get, with AH well down the path of alcoholism and daughter looking as if she's starting to follow him. I do hope you continue to read and post here, and I hope you check into Alanon for some in-person help, too.

Unfortunately, Pond, drinking at work isn't all that unusual in the trades. Take a look at this article and notice how many of the occupations w/an increased risk of dying from alcoholism are in the trades--painters, roofers, drywallers, construction workers.
The 17 Jobs Where You're Most Likely To Become An Alcoholic - Business Insider

I've read that part of this is the culture of those jobs (work hard, party hard), and that part of it is that people who already have some issues w/alcohol tend to be drawn to that type of work for reasons such as minimal supervision, flexible hours if self-employed, and so on.

I just want to commend you for your plans to install a breathalyzer on the car. I can imagine that your daughter is furious - but she needs to be deterred from the path that she's on while she's still young enough to turn things around. And you are absolutely right, you do have to protect the public from your husband when he's been drinking. So good for you, it sounds incredibly stressful but your are doing the right (and brave) thing.

Oh my... six?! And a suspended license? So he wasn't supposed to be driving anyway? Sounds pretty bad to me, as far as potential jail time...
Sounds like maybe a harsh sentence is what he needs....
And maybe you could use the break from him as well, to gain some peace and clarity.

My XAH was Court-ordered to have a breath device installed on his vehicle after his second one, and I think it's great... It's the only thing that makes me feel comfortable allowing our children to go anywhere with him. Unfortunately he will be able to have it removed some time in the next few months... not sure what I'm going to have to put in place then as far as the kids... but anyway

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you are here, and I hope you have some real life support as well. As someone else suggested, Al-anon may be helpful for you.

Big hugs to you!!

First, glad you are here.
Second, and quite directly, what kind of help are you seeking?

We can give you all the advice in the world, and armchair quarterback your situation, and you can post and read all you like - the real question is, IMO and IME, what kind of life do you want to have?

One where alcohol controls everything (and everyone, as the drinkers or not) - pocketbook, cars, time, sanity, LIVES - and things are going to get worse? Or....something different. Which can look like a lot of things once alcohol is removed from the equation - with your daughter, perhaps more easily than your husband- and the unmanageability of your life begins to be addressed.

Al-Anon is a great place to go - literal steps before that like taking away car keys for both of them might be backing up to real basic stuff to keep everyone safe.

This is a scary and potentially deadly situation on your hands - I hope you will start to make choices to get resolution for everyone's better. We're here for support on that for sure.

I commend you on taking the initiative to install a Breathalyzer but your husband would not fit my definition of functional. I am not sure if you live in the US and if you do where but in our state your husband would be looking at more than a year in jail.

I am not saying your daughter is an alcoholic but she has a genetic predisposition, she's had an alcohol related arrest at a young age and she has a parent with multiple alcohol related arrests . Let her get as mad. Don't take that off your car. If she wants to buy her own vehicle that's one thing. But she has too many strikes against her, you need to start stacking the deck in her favor. Don't give in. Your not here to make her life easy.. Keep it on. Get her help. And please stop showing her by example that you bail family members out when they get in trouble with alcohol.

My Dad functioned well, until he didn't. I don't know how long he drank too much. He worked all his life, retired with a pension, continued to volunteer and do odd jobs in retirement. He did seem to drink a lot, though he drank things like gin and tonic, so it seemed civilized.

One day he had too much and had an accident that resulted in a fatality. He ended up in prison. It was his first DWI ever. He was 76. Mom and Dad had the civil suit to deal with, after the criminal trial. A lot of the money they'd saved and invested was liquidated to pay the victim's family. There are certain things that you can't be required to surrender, but lots of stuff you can, too. It would be wise to assess your vulnerability, and consult a lawyer as to how to protect your assets.

By the way, unless you have OJ Simpson-like wealth, no lawyer will take on your civil suit when you are the defendant. When you stand to lose a lot of money, they know the chances of getting paid are nil.

I guess I should of said working alcoholic. I work part time but my husband is the main bread winner. Him getting incarcerated would mean us potentially losing are home. His last DWI he was sentenced to electronic home monitoring for 6 months. He wasn't allowed to work or leave the home except for legal matters. My daughter is becoming a handful and I think has been stealing alcohol from the basement. She blames it on her dad drinking more and he blames it on her. I think that is pretty low. She is also dating a guy who is 21. I went to family group back when my husband was in one of his many rehabs. I thought it was a bit too focused on my husband when it should of been on me and the kids? Since the arrest my husband continues to drink and work extra hours. Which is good because his lawyer will be around $5,000.

Buckle up bc he's looking at hard time, most likely. In my state by this many it would be a 10 year sentence and lifelong license suspension. He's also considered a habitual offender, so it may even be more depending on where you are. Please get a lawyer yourself to protect yourself and your kids. He's definitely not looking in the best interests of the family.

I could not agree more! I hope you'll look into Alanon, which is all about you and NOT your AH. (AA is for the alcoholic, while Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone else's drinking.) You can just google Alanon and find info on meetings in your area. They cost nothing (other than a dollar or two in the basket, IF you choose) and are a wonderful resource for both education and support.

As others have already said, this is a serious situation and about to get more serious very soon. You will need strength and support, so please do keep posting here and please do look up an Alanon meeting (or 2 or 3!) that you can make it to.

before i was forced into retirement, i was a rough framer.
drinking AND drugs are quite common on the jobsite within the trades.
no, it isnt safe, but us alcoholics dont think about that.

6th dui and drinking on the job.
if its any type of functioning, its DISfunctioning

I also own/operate a construction company. When I was on a site I drank, I took my crew to lunch and we drank..it's not safe and I now(sober me) have a zero tolerance policy on drinking and drug use. I've had 2 DUIs now..I was facing 180 days for my 2nd but, did my requirements, paid a butt load of cash and my case was closed a couple weeks ago. With 6....He's looking at some serious time.

you're gonna need a new plan....he is not a responsible, stable provider. nor has he been for a long time.

your DD really needs you right now. much more than your AH. he's an adult, making stupid decisions. your DD doesn't have a choice in what her homelife is like. she's crying out for parental guidance.

this is the time to get some legal counsel, and figure out what your next steps will be.

I almost said this myself.. As a drunk..I'd divorce my butt before my 6th DUI court case..I'm not saying YOU should leave your husband but, I'd expect/respect someone leaving me over it. You have your daughter and yourself to look after.

Hello everyone. Just checking in. I recently started selling real estate and just sold my first home. It was a huge sale for a first timer and I'm quite proud. Things with the kids arn't doing so well as my 17yr old informed me that she is sleeping with her older boyfriend. I decided not to tell my husband as he would flip out. His lawyer has decided that he will take his case to trial. My husband refused the breathaylzer and all field sobriety tests. Sadly, I found out if he is found guilty he will receive prison sentence! I don't feel he deserves prison when he needs help. He's been taking extra shifts at work to off set the lawyer fee. It will be even more now that he is pleading not guilty. I estimate he is still drinking between 8-12 strong ice beers per day. He is never stumbling drunk just a minor buzz all day long. I was thinking of Alanon but a bit frightened of public speaking? The breathaylzer will be installed on our min-van this week. I just don't trust my husband not to drive. Anyways, thank you for any responses.

I can't believe he's avoided prison the last 4 times he's gotten a DUI. In my state, it's a mandatory 10 years. He's had plenty of chances to "get help". Looks like forced "help" (aka prison) is what he'll get afterall.

he is STILL drinking AND driving, having first been convicted of DUI 22 YEARS ago.....he is a rolling murder just waiting to happen. ANYONE who risks the lives of others recklessly and repeatedly should be locked up. how would you feel if you or a loved one was injured or worse by a drunk driver?

this is VERY serious stuff, rosa. meanwhile your daughter really needs some attention and stability. she is acting out in as many ways as possible - underage drinking, underage sex.........at some point the insanity has to stop.

congrats on your new career. and your success!!

It would appear that he’s had the opportunity for help many times.

There are no musts in al-anon, you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to, you can just listen. Maybe gather some their reading material. The Courage To Change book is a nice daily reader.

I am sorry about your daughter and her choices. Again, I’d give al-anon a chance.

I'm glad you're off to a good start w/your new career--I think both the income and the self-confidence will be important for you.

Just to clarify--you do not have to say a single word at Alanon if you don't want to. All you have to say when/if you're next in line to share is "I'm just going to listen today/tonight, thanks." No one will blink an eye; this is common for newcomers and there will be no pressure to speak until you feel comfortable.

I'm happy to see you've come back to SR to post and I hope you stay in touch.

Oh, he deserves a prison sentence, all right. Was not "getting help" a condition of his prior probationary sentences? If he didn't take full advantage of it, at some point "needs help" is pretty much irrelevant. Probably 99 percent of the prison population "needs help"--they still committed crimes and are appropriately held accountable for them. If he'd killed someone driving drunk he could be looking at a sentence of 30 years or more. Not to mention the civil penalties and having to live with the knowledge he'd taken a life. He's been extraordinarily fortunate up to now. Good luck runs last only so long.

Congrats on the big sale--that's terrific. I'd suggest focusing your efforts on your life and your daughter right now. Let your husband and his lawyer worry about his legal predicament. Incidentally, trials cost WAY more than ordinary court appearances. This is gonna get VERY expensive.

This is really sad and I am so sorry you are going through this. 6 DUIs in most cases is well beyond mandatory prison time. My Abf has 2 DUIs and served time years ago as a result. He no longer has a license and lives in a big city with public transit so no need or desire for a car. Thank goodness for that. I feel for you because I cannot imagine living through that. So 6 times he has been caught, but he certainly has driven UI much more than that you can bet. What is also scary is the fact that he does construction work (a dangerous job!) under the influence. He is walking on landmines so if anything I would prepare for something very major to happen; Prison time, his death, or facing prison for the death of an innocent person he kills.

I know you say you feel he doesn't deserve prison, but all this boils down to consequences. I use to think my boyfriend didn't deserve to be out on the streets drinking or kicked out of his apartments because in my mind he was "sick". His illness was doing all this...wrecking everyone around him...not him. in my mind it wasn't his fault he was sick. Well, what I learned is that alcoholics can't help that they have the disease, but they CAN help getting treatment and recovering. They are just as able as anyone else. Look at the boards here, go to an open AA meeting - ppl who are sick CAN control their recovery. They do it all the time. The problem is that your husband continues to drive drunk because he doesn't see it as a problem NOR does he ever face consequences for it outside of being out of money for legal fees. Just like my boyfriend - he always has me and his job taking him back when he goes off on his benders, or another apartment to go to, despite the loss in money nothing really significant has happened. They keep going until it does (and even when it does they STILL keep going sometimes and rock bottom doesn't exist). Not only that but your husband has not yet acknowledged he is sick or needs help. He has shown no desire to stop. He doesn't care that he is taking the family money and wasting it on completely avoidable legal fees and booze - this is money I imagine your big family needs.

Get to Alanon and get your daughter to Alateen. Just because he can go to work doesn't mean he is functional. He is a full blown addict destroying your family. Its one thing when they show a desire to quit and go to the meetings (and even THAT is tough and warrants questioning whether to stay), but quite another when there is no plan or desire for recovery. This is basically life for you as you know it. Do you want to spend it broke with legal fees and a vulnerable 17 year old visiting her father in prison? Not to mention the trauma you will be going through knowing your husband is locked up.

My advice to you is to begin planning for you and your children. Sounds like your daughter needs you and I second what Anvil said - watch over her. This is impacting her greatly whether she says so or not. **hugs**

I served on a jury for a DUI twenty years ago. We found him guilty and afterwards the judge came in to thank us because this was his fifth DUI conviction (a fact they couldn't mention in the trial) and in her words, "now I can send him to jail quick before he kills someone."

You know that if he does hurt or kill someone, you could both be ruined financially by a lawsuit, right? Same with your daughter, because she's still a minor.

Good for you for getting that breathalyzer installed and congratulations on your new career...that will give you options.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Rose, Congratulations on your first big sale as a realtor , that should boost your confidence :)

Let's just pretend he doesn't get prison time....what do you think will happen? Will he stop drinking? Will he get the help he needs? Will he set a better example of drinking responsibly to your daughter?

Let's think about what could happen if he does get prison time. He'll stop drinking. He could participate in AA, which they do have in correctional facilities. With alcohol out of the house, your underaged daughter would have less access to it. You could set an example of a responsible parent, learning a new career.