First time dealing with a relapse
 

My husband who is an alcoholic, asked for a separation in January. After moving out, he agreed to attend marriage counseling. We attended once a week from Feb till April. One morning in April, he showed up and said he couldnt do it anymore and was only coming back for the kids. In the ensuing arguement, he admitted that hed been drinking heavily since he moved out. Up until about 6 months ago, he'd been sober for 10 years. I refused to let him have physical custody of the kids until he can be sober. So for the past two weeks he says he's been sobe, attending aa, and individual counseling. He now says that he loves me but only as a friend and isn't in love with me. And wants to pursue a divorce. I found this out at the last therapy session I attended with him. I've refused to meet him or attend any therapy with him since. Our marriage counselor acknowledged that he wouldn't have been seeing us for the past few months if he'd known that my husband was still actively drinking.
I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I just wait it out and see how he feels after more therapy and sobriety or do I give him what he wants? I'm having a hard time looking my kids in eyes and telling them that they can't be with their daddy because I don't trust him to keep them safe.

Well, the fact that he admitted drinking heavily during your separation would seem to be good grounds for you to ask the court to require supervised visitation and/or alcohol monitoring during visitation periods.

The fact that he seems to want to be kind toward you suggests that maybe you can wind up with an amicable divorce. If he's said he wants out of the marriage, then I think getting things wrapped up in a way that isn't bitter or hostile would be to everyone's advantage. If he was sober for 10 years, then he presumably knows what he needs to do. It happens. I've been sober in AA for 8 years, and I know people who have had relapses after many years. Some come back in, redouble their efforts, and are fine--all the wiser for knowing what lies ahead.

ETA: I always think it's a mistake to try to hold onto someone who has said s/he wants to leave a relationship.

There really is nothing to wait out. He tried counseling but has decided he would rather keep on drinking and wants to end things.
I agree with Lexie at least on a positive he is honest about things so the divorce should hopefully go smoothly. Also you're kids i'm sure will be much more appreciative of being in a stable household, than to be forced to be around an active alcoholic.

I guess the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is after working for months on trying to fix the relationship to find out that he'd been lying and still actively drinking, all the time we spent was meaningless. And after being lied to for so long I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

Unfortunately that's the only map for the future that you have at this point.

Lying is common as dirt with active alcoholics. It is a knee-jerk reaction to protect the addiction. As Solo points out, regardless of what he SAYS, you can only go by what's reasonable to believe based on most recent history. Personally, I wouldn't trust him for a while. If he stays sober you will eventually trust he will continue to be, but that doesn't need to be rushed, and probably shouldn't.

idw, ok he's been lying, and you've been taking counselling seriously, so of course you're angry. But now he's come out and told you the truth. He doesn't want to work on the marriage, and he's been drinking secretly.

He probably took this long to own up because he was scared to be honest. It's very common. If you can bear it, go back to counselling with him and work out the best way to separate. It will be painful for you, and possibly him, but it's a controlled environment where you can express your feelings with the counsellor making sure things don't get out of hand. That should help you with moving forward.

There are many advantages to having an amicable divorce, and the biggest one is how the kids fare. You've been told he wants out, now make the best effort you can to look after your own interests, and the kids' and keep a reasonable relationship with your ex.

Sorry if this seems brutally frank. I've been through divorce which had it's rough moments, but today everybody benefits from my ex, his wife and I getting on very well together.

Perhaps get some professional advice on options, talk to someone about how you feel. Safety first. Support to you.

I know it's hard, and that it hurts. However, if he wants out of the marriage you have no choice. I would say for your own sanity, and for your child, do it while he is treating you respectfully, it's so much better than having to fight out every details and be treated in a horrible manner.

I am sorry.

I agree with this. If things are polite between you now, use this opportunity to work out the details of your separation. It's hard because if he's being honest and reasonable now, this is the also time when you're probably wishing you didn't have to separate because you're seeing him at his best.

I would believe this………..the man wants out of the marriage.

What is there to wait out, He has told you he wants a divorce and the marriage counselor says they wouldn’t have seen you as a couple if they knew he was actively drinking, he’s still actively drinking and he doesn’t want to be married any longer so how would a “marriage” counselor help?

Maybe when he asked for a separation back in January he knew he wanted out and just went through the motions of marriage counseling to appease you, elevate his guilt, build up the courage to end it for good, figure out if ending it was really what he wanted and then he made his decision.

Maybe think about counseling just for you to help you work through the array of emotions surrounding this painful situation.

I'm having a hard time looking my kids in eyes and telling them that they can't be with their daddy because I don't trust him to keep them safe.

you are telling them THE TRUTH and you are putting their safety FIRST. that is not something to feel bad about. that is your JOB. the kids are probably inwardly relieved to not have a drunk father in the house.

my thoughts are if someone TELLS me they no longer want to be with me, and want to permanently separate, divorce, what-have-you, then i sure as hell ain't gonna fling myself around their ankles and beg. i'd be too busy pulling out the suitcases to help them pack.