First time dealing with a relapse

Old 05-10-2017, 09:27 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
First time dealing with a relapse

My husband who is an alcoholic, asked for a separation in January. After moving out, he agreed to attend marriage counseling. We attended once a week from Feb till April. One morning in April, he showed up and said he couldnt do it anymore and was only coming back for the kids. In the ensuing arguement, he admitted that hed been drinking heavily since he moved out. Up until about 6 months ago, he'd been sober for 10 years. I refused to let him have physical custody of the kids until he can be sober. So for the past two weeks he says he's been sobe, attending aa, and individual counseling. He now says that he loves me but only as a friend and isn't in love with me. And wants to pursue a divorce. I found this out at the last therapy session I attended with him. I've refused to meet him or attend any therapy with him since. Our marriage counselor acknowledged that he wouldn't have been seeing us for the past few months if he'd known that my husband was still actively drinking.
I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I just wait it out and see how he feels after more therapy and sobriety or do I give him what he wants? I'm having a hard time looking my kids in eyes and telling them that they can't be with their daddy because I don't trust him to keep them safe.
idunnowhat is offline  
Old 05-10-2017, 10:33 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, the fact that he admitted drinking heavily during your separation would seem to be good grounds for you to ask the court to require supervised visitation and/or alcohol monitoring during visitation periods.

The fact that he seems to want to be kind toward you suggests that maybe you can wind up with an amicable divorce. If he's said he wants out of the marriage, then I think getting things wrapped up in a way that isn't bitter or hostile would be to everyone's advantage. If he was sober for 10 years, then he presumably knows what he needs to do. It happens. I've been sober in AA for 8 years, and I know people who have had relapses after many years. Some come back in, redouble their efforts, and are fine--all the wiser for knowing what lies ahead.

ETA: I always think it's a mistake to try to hold onto someone who has said s/he wants to leave a relationship.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-10-2017, 02:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
There really is nothing to wait out. He tried counseling but has decided he would rather keep on drinking and wants to end things.
I agree with Lexie at least on a positive he is honest about things so the divorce should hopefully go smoothly. Also you're kids i'm sure will be much more appreciative of being in a stable household, than to be forced to be around an active alcoholic.
Forward12 is offline  
Old 05-10-2017, 04:16 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
I guess the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is after working for months on trying to fix the relationship to find out that he'd been lying and still actively drinking, all the time we spent was meaningless. And after being lied to for so long I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
idunnowhat is offline  
Old 05-10-2017, 04:31 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by idunnowhat View Post
I guess the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is after working for months on trying to fix the relationship to find out that he'd been lying and still actively drinking, all the time we spent was meaningless. And after being lied to for so long I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
Unfortunately that's the only map for the future that you have at this point.
SoloMio is offline  
Old 05-10-2017, 04:38 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Lying is common as dirt with active alcoholics. It is a knee-jerk reaction to protect the addiction. As Solo points out, regardless of what he SAYS, you can only go by what's reasonable to believe based on most recent history. Personally, I wouldn't trust him for a while. If he stays sober you will eventually trust he will continue to be, but that doesn't need to be rushed, and probably shouldn't.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 12:13 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
idw, ok he's been lying, and you've been taking counselling seriously, so of course you're angry. But now he's come out and told you the truth. He doesn't want to work on the marriage, and he's been drinking secretly.

He probably took this long to own up because he was scared to be honest. It's very common. If you can bear it, go back to counselling with him and work out the best way to separate. It will be painful for you, and possibly him, but it's a controlled environment where you can express your feelings with the counsellor making sure things don't get out of hand. That should help you with moving forward.

There are many advantages to having an amicable divorce, and the biggest one is how the kids fare. You've been told he wants out, now make the best effort you can to look after your own interests, and the kids' and keep a reasonable relationship with your ex.

Sorry if this seems brutally frank. I've been through divorce which had it's rough moments, but today everybody benefits from my ex, his wife and I getting on very well together.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 12:37 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
PhoenixJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,512
Perhaps get some professional advice on options, talk to someone about how you feel. Safety first. Support to you.
PhoenixJ is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 06:24 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know it's hard, and that it hurts. However, if he wants out of the marriage you have no choice. I would say for your own sanity, and for your child, do it while he is treating you respectfully, it's so much better than having to fight out every details and be treated in a horrible manner.

I am sorry.


Originally Posted by idunnowhat View Post
I guess the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is after working for months on trying to fix the relationship to find out that he'd been lying and still actively drinking, all the time we spent was meaningless. And after being lied to for so long I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 06:35 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I know it's hard, and that it hurts. However, if he wants out of the marriage you have no choice. I would say for your own sanity, and for your child, do it while he is treating you respectfully, it's so much better than having to fight out every details and be treated in a horrible manner.

I am sorry.
I agree with this. If things are polite between you now, use this opportunity to work out the details of your separation. It's hard because if he's being honest and reasonable now, this is the also time when you're probably wishing you didn't have to separate because you're seeing him at his best.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 07:17 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I guess the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around is after working for months on trying to fix the relationship to find out that he'd been lying and still actively drinking, all the time we spent was meaningless. And after being lied to for so long I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
I would believe this………..the man wants out of the marriage.

He now says that he loves me but only as a friend and isn't in love with me. And wants to pursue a divorce. I found this out at the last therapy session I attended with him. I've refused to meet him or attend any therapy with him since.
Do I just wait it out and see how he feels after more therapy and sobriety or do I give him what he wants?
What is there to wait out, He has told you he wants a divorce and the marriage counselor says they wouldn’t have seen you as a couple if they knew he was actively drinking, he’s still actively drinking and he doesn’t want to be married any longer so how would a “marriage” counselor help?

Maybe when he asked for a separation back in January he knew he wanted out and just went through the motions of marriage counseling to appease you, elevate his guilt, build up the courage to end it for good, figure out if ending it was really what he wanted and then he made his decision.

Maybe think about counseling just for you to help you work through the array of emotions surrounding this painful situation.
atalose is offline  
Old 05-11-2017, 03:20 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm having a hard time looking my kids in eyes and telling them that they can't be with their daddy because I don't trust him to keep them safe.

you are telling them THE TRUTH and you are putting their safety FIRST. that is not something to feel bad about. that is your JOB. the kids are probably inwardly relieved to not have a drunk father in the house.

my thoughts are if someone TELLS me they no longer want to be with me, and want to permanently separate, divorce, what-have-you, then i sure as hell ain't gonna fling myself around their ankles and beg. i'd be too busy pulling out the suitcases to help them pack.
AnvilheadII is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:31 AM.