I,
I know it's hard to hear what the therapist is telling you, especially when you don't agree. I had a therapist and she was so tough, she never minced words. But she knew what was going on and what I had endured for 30 something years. She knew that every one "coddled" me and look where I was, a train wreck. (They knew that I loved him, blah, blah, blah)

She put it out there and showed me what I needed to truly see. It took a lot of time and work on me, which is hard. I didn't fight her and call her unethical, I just finally stopped talking, listened and surrendered. I knew that my life was horrendous, and I wasnt doing things right. I tried something different and it finally "clicked".

I look back to what a "pathetic" person I was, and am so grateful that she wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought. I might be still stuck today if she didn't hold my hand and walk me through the fire. All I can say is keep and "open" mind and don't be so defensive if someone tells you that he really isn't a good guy, because you know down deep, he really isnt a good guy. He's an addict!!

Hugs my friend, it takes a long time to get your sea legs, and you are doing great.

You are aware that the booze/drugs are symptoms of much deeper issues. So even if the alcohol was removed from his life, he'd still have all those issues that he used the alcohol to numb, suppress and used as a coping mechanism.

The simplistic thought process is to just remove the booze/drugs and they will be great wonderful happy people once they get past all that detox stuff and are no longer drinking or drugging but it is so much more complex then that.

Have you done any research on stockholm syndrome yet? How about any further reading on codependency?

Yes, Atalose. I have been reading about Stockholm syndrome. I think I am exhibiting those symptoms. I read it somewhere that it takes lot of time to see it :(

i think at some point you will have to accept that he had STUFF and you had STUFF and over time there was just TOO MUCH stuff, and so the relationship came to it's natural conclusion. that's how it goes, ALL THE TIME. even couples that have good relationships decide to call things off.

if you could shift your focus from HIM, to why you ARE struggling so hard to accept WHAT IS and LET GO, you'd probably get a lot more benefit and actually gain some insight.

I've had some discussion around this about my anger issues. My T said yes, that needs to be addressed too.

Yes, don't let that slide! By the time I actually got divorced, I had become an angry mess. I had completely neglected my own needs and become a very angry person.

Hugs!

i recall you mentioned you struck your ex during an argument. have you had other incidence or outbursts? before - during - after? it is important to learn about your own anger and healthy ways to deal with/release it.

anger is also a part of the grief cycle. if you are used to keeping your bad feelings bottled up, it will be hard to fully process. have you read The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner? it's available in print and audiobook.

No, I haven't had any before the relationship or after. I have anger issues which is usually yelling and then my BP going up. I have discussed this with my T and he mentioned that we will be discussing that in depth in the coming sessions. I will look into the book too now.

Side note: I asked my T when I entered his office how he was doing and he burst into laughing and said it's nice to have someone ask HIM that question and this is the first time in 30 years that someone had asked him that. We had a good laugh about it.

wow, in your first sentence you had three "I's", one "my" and one "we" meaning you and your therapist!!! :c011::scoregood

The thing is most of these books are not available in my country. I wish I could get PDF version of some of them. Google doesn't give me any PDFs of these wonderful books. I don't like audio books :/

WHAT???? well that explains it!!

kidding. i LOVE audiobooks....i have a long commute each way and they save my sanity.

I don't have a proper device to listen the audiobooks and I don't have a long commute to work. Once I am back from work, it's feed, walk and eat my food, take my meds and watch some shows. I really like reading a book and would even be ok with PDFs. I have a kindle.

kindle....hmmmm i know my audio book club also has kindle versions. keep looking!! maybe your T could help? i'd be surprised if he didn't have a copy somewhere................

Are you unable to purchase the Kindle version on Amazon in your country? It looks like Google Play also has the ebook version, though I'm less familiar with how that works. There's also a version available on ebooks.com.

I got a call from him on my landline at 2.45 AM last night. He wished me belated birthday wishes and asked me about my eviction notice which is on papers. The Army folks in my apartment complex harassed and sent an eviction notice for walking my dogs on the lawn. He asked how I am going to manage, I said I am getting a lawyer. He asked about the dogs and if they were sleeping. And then said take care and hung up.

Oh dear . . . .2:45? . . . that is a bit horrendous.

I would not be answering him at 2:45 am.....just saying.

It was on my landline phone, I thought it was my dad calling about my grandma or something along those lines. There was so much silence from both our ends. I just couldn't figure out it was him even though he said "It's me". I was like It's me, who? Silence. He said, "belated birthday wishes" and then silence. He then said "What are you going to do about the eviction notice" and I said I am lawyering up. Silence. He said are the kids asleep? I said yes. He then said, nothing will happen to them right? I said no. that's it.

His voice sounded so different and he was sober, that much I know. I don't know why he waited till 3 AM to call.

you have NO idea of his true state - there is no earthly reason for him to call the house in the middle of the night. it was rude and inconsiderate at the very least. more like drunk dialing. or drug dialing. possibly sniffing around to see if you planned to come after him regarding the eviction.........sorry that was in the papers.