His mother suggested that I might need to find another place to live while he goes to rehab if it is an outpatient rehab, as living with him might cause him to get triggered again. She suggested that I am one of his triggers.

well wasn't THAT nice of her? how about FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY you should not live with HIM?

triggers are a funny thing......in that they don't REALLY exist. they are simply people places and things that the addict associates with using....they are often associated with a strong DESIRE to use, which quickly turns into a craving and/or mental obsession. the laundry list of what is considered a trigger is endless. another word for trigger is:

EXCUSE

i agree that trying to be "extra" sweet and nice really isn't necessary. all it will do is cause YOU to feel further bonded to HIM. he's an abusive adult, he doesn't need (or deserve, IMHO) head pats.

But I still keep posting a ton of photos on facebook and no one except my family and the few close friends in the know could even begin to guess that this is happening.

you don't have to try and PROVE to the world that you have a perfect happy life. i'm not saying you need to post close ups of bruises or broken furniture, but now is the time to stop living the lie. they say we are only as sick as our secrets.....

I do believe in the concept of triggers. Im not sure how his mom would know that you are a trigger for him since she didnt even know he had a big problem going on. Lots of things can be triggers though and its treatment that teaches people how to deal with the emotions that come from being triggered by things.

He may be unstable and not safe for you to be around, hopefully that is what she meant. just that there might be stress and conflict between you in such an emotionally charged situation. I will give her the benefit of doubt on her comment in that she wants to keep you both safe.

Oh, and one other thing. If HE moves out, you should, likewise, agree to having the apartment lease in your name only. This would also be for your own safety, because as long as his name is on the lease, you can't legally refuse him entry (changing locks, etc.). The only exception would be if you got a protective order. In that case, even if he was on the lease, he couldn't come in.

ScaredWife - I feel ya, I really do. I have a younger sister who is married and pregnant so yea... biological clock, I hear ya ticking! But I realized that I would not want to have children with STBXAH... this really helped me figure out I needed out.

How did I find the strength to leave? Looking back now, I can say that it took a real look at my gut/insides/heart and to ask those hard questions of myself. And a realization that I DO deserve so much more than what I was getting. But that did not happen overnight. I definitely didn't listen to the little voice in my head for quite some time (in fact, I think that voice was yelling at my at certain points, but I ignored it). Self care, taking time for me, talking things through with trusted people like my parents and my therapist, going to Al-Anon <have you gone to a meeting yet? I would recommend giving it a try!> writing in a journal - these all helped me gain back the strength and self confidence I lost. Last summer when things really got bad I declared August to be "Captain M Month" and all month long I did whatever I wanted to do - I put ME first.

Then one night last fall I was texting with my mom and told her that STBXAH was on "something" and making me feel uncomfortable - I didn't feel like I was in danger, but my intuition told me something was wrong (turns out he was high on painkillers). I finally listened to my gut. She said "pack a bag, leave right now and come here." So that is how I literally left - I needed a push from her (and it helped that I had a safe place to go- maybe your safe place could be your aunt's?).

Nothings changes if nothing changes. And I finally realized I needed something to change, so I changed what I could.

You are very right. I have stopped posting any photos with him. On really bad days, I go back and make all the wedding photos "private" so only I can see them. When things get better, I make them visible to my friends again. But certainly not posting any new pictures of / with him. Hopefully people will forget how many photos I posted with him...

Thank you for this advice! If he doesn't get help and get sober, or if he leaves me after finding out I told his parents, I suppose we will have to figure out who will live where logistically. I don't think I can afford this place on my own, so I most likely would want to move out and take my name off the lease if he wants to stay.

Let me ask you this question: do you, yourself, obsessively review your friends' Facebook pages to see what pictures they have posted, how many, with whom, doing what, how they look, and all that? If so, you have bigger problems than an alcoholic spouse to deal with. :) I seriously doubt your friends even notice.

I also don't know how I could have children with my alcoholic husband unless he gets completely sober and changes drastically. I am also getting to the realization that nothing will change if nothing changes, slowly but surely. That rationale led me to call his parents and tell them about his alcoholism and behavior. I figured that this is a last-ditch effort and maybe is the jolt he needs to wake up and take care of himself.

Did your ex ever get sober / do you stay in touch? The logistics of even beginning to move out seems too complicated and overwhelming right now :(

Haha, thank you for this! You're right - people won't really notice or care. Everyone mainly thinks of their own lives. I definitely have no idea who has posted what at any time, even though I "like" friends' statuses when I see them on my newsfeed. I am hopeful that this will be ancient history for everyone (or at least most people).

I'm glad that things are better and you both are working on things. I hope he is not physically abusive anymore. That is simply awful. I have found that therapy has helped me as well.

Were you the one to get his parents involved? If so, how did he handle it / how did it affect your marriage?

We've been separated for almost 6 months. At the beginning I didn't have any boundaries set and I always responded to his texts/calls/etc. and even seeing him in person. I was still letting him manipulate me. I joined SR in late October and first learned about going "no contact" - that has really helped. I'm not 100% no contact with him yet, but I've made a firm boundary that I will only speak with him about "business things" - we're about to sell our home so that is the only thing I'll speak with him about. It's only phone or text. Otherwise, our attorneys talk. There have also been WEEKS of no contact and those have really been great. We're planning to list our house this month, so I hope that in a few weeks we'll be No Contact for good. I need this for my recovery.

Is he sober? I don't know. I don't ask. It's his recovery. I wish him well and he knows I only want the best for him. When we were still talking regularly, I found out that he relapsed, relapsed again and got a DUI, relapsed again and went to the hospital and then went to another rehab program for 45 days. I haven't seen him since late 2016 and have unfriended him, his family and his close friends from all Social Media. I just don't need that in my life!

Here's some good news about the moving out process - you don't have to do it alone! Thinking about moving alone was so overwhelming. I've learned to ask for help from trusted people. Friends and family were with me for 6 hours this past weekend as I cleaned out the rest of my stuff from the home we're about to sell. I would have probably fallen into a heap of exhaustion by myself. Take it bit by bit, one task at a time. And ask for help and take it if you can :) (((hugs)))

Thank you for taking the time to tell me your story!! That is really helpful. If the intervention tomorrow does not go well, I will probably also have to take similar steps. It is pretty hard, but I know I am not alone. This is so much harder than my breakup from my ex bf (we broke up 5 years ago) because our relationship was so much more publicized and I had so many more hopes and dreams for us, and we also made a commitment by getting married.

But I do have resources, which is wonderful. I have family and friends all over the country who are willing to talk for hours with me. I have my aunt who is willing to take me in. I have a friend who would move in together with me (a different apartment and different part of the city).

Out of curiosity, how long were you and your STBXAH together? And how long were you married?

SW, you have received so much good advice, I won't repeat it but did want to address this statement.

I know how you feel to write this statement. I felt that too. Years ago, I was in an incredibly high passion, "soul mate", love of my life relationship. It also included a lot of alcohol, high drama, splitting up and reuniting, etc.

The romance ended - not all at once, not cleanly, and not without incredible pain on my part. But now - with the perspective of over 20 years - I thank God every day we are no longer a couple. My life would be hell. For years I thought the opposite, that life *without* him would be hell. Boy was I wrong. 1,000 percent wrong.

You will find someone else if you want to, someone who does not verbally abuse and frighten you, someone on whom you can depend emotionally, and you won't miss your AH and his drama at all.

No despite the worries of people here on the forum, he has not be abusive since he stopped using the cocaine. Very bad stuff. We moved here to be closer to his parents and so they were around and saw some of his behaviors. I did tell them things, but I didnt have to really go to them exactly and let the cat out of the bag. As of now, he seems to have reconciled everything I did while he was actively using. He says I did what I had to do, what I thought I needed to do, and he also knows I was traumatized and it was a hard time for me.

Yes you made a commitment to marry each other, but not a mutual suicide pact (SR learned phrase!). And who cares how publicized your wedding was! Were you on the cover of US Weekly? ;) you'll be amazed at how understanding people will (should) be.

STBXAH and I were together for roughly 5 years, married about 2.

Stay strong my friend

Thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate that. I know that if I move on, I will someday be very thankful that I did and won't even think of him positively anymore. I don't even spare a passing emotional thought about my ex bf 5 years after we broke up. I remember things and sometimes something will remind me of him, but there are no emotions there. Even my anger toward him is gone. He is simply someone I am so glad I did not end up with and someone I don't care to know anymore. Hopefully someday I will feel the same way about my AH.

I am really glad he is no longer abusive and is working on his life and substance control issues. It is truly sickening and heartbreaking what alcohol and drugs can do to a person's mind and personality :(

Thank you so much for your support!! Sounds like if I stay with my AH for another year, I will have been with him for the exact same amount of time you were with your ex (we have been together for 4 years and married for almost 1). If he does not improve, I will have no choice but to move on. I think someday (probably soon), I will get to the point that you got to and just say "screw this, I can't live like this" and pack my bags and go. I hope I can get to that point.

Hello everyone, I just wanted to update you. Yesterday afternoon, my MIL called me and canceled the intervention that was planned for today. She said that the "AA professional" told her that an intervention would not work until my AH hits rock bottom. She said that he has been sober for 6 days, so maybe now is not the time for an intervention. I told her that the only reason he hasn't drank is that I have made it a point to get home before him every day (canceling all my social plans) and he mostly only drinks when alone. I felt really disappointed, as it seems wrong to put this off until he drinks so heavily that he hurts himself or someone else or loses his job / gets a DUI, etc. I would not put this off if it were my child, but that is her prerogative. I mentioned that AH is abusive even when sober and she said that was very wrong of him. She told me to keep in touch with her and update her on AH and also to reach out should I need support. I am pretty disappointed, also, because I already moved my valuables to my aunt's house and to a public storage place. I worked hard at planning for this, driving hours out of my way and paying for a storage unit, only to have it canceled at the last moment.

AH now still does not know that I told his parents and it is scary to worry about whether they will either tell him I told them or it inadvertently slips or they tell extended family members. I asked them not to say anything to him or anyone else until the time is right. I had an exit plan in place in case anything went wrong with the intervention. Now, I am worried that he will find out and I will be living with him when he does. I'll still keep some of my things in public storage. It is useful to have that for the time being.

My MIL did mention that I could threaten to leave him and maybe that will work. She said I could pack a bag and leave temporarily. I told her that if I get to the point of wanting to leave, it probably would not be temporary. It would probably be a permanent decision at that point. My emotions are not a yo yo. And leaving when living together is so logistically difficult that I would not want to do it until I was ready to permanently do so. She called that "immature, no offense."

I see now that I cannot rely on his parents to help, even if they express verbal supoort. I feel all the weight is on me once again. I do not regret telling them, because at the time, I felt like it could help and was my last resort. I didn't know they would back out on assisting.

Now I have to depend on AH's most recent promise of sobriety (he is 6 days sober and is seeing a psychiatrist this morning), and ultimately on myself to know when I have had enough abuse and need to walk away. I want to start living life again. I want to go out to events with friends and AH. I want to not worry about coming home to an abusive drunk who always threatens to leave every night. I recently connected the dots - his threats to leave are two-fold - he wants to go to a hotel so he can drink more, and he knows I have a fear of abandonment, so he leaves to hurt me more