Recovery from Codependency | Psych Central

I think one can, it depends on how much you want it though.
Some folks just don't want to get out of their comfort zone
no matter how miserable they are making themselves.

It's definitely a process. I had to/wanted to drop the denial, awareness
became my priority. Learning about alcoholism, codependency, and
personality disorders was a sunami of ah ha moments! Alanon &
12 steps & my sponsor are my lifeboat right now. I know I have changed,
it wasn't easy, not done yet, but I have moments when I'm just
so darned proud of myself :) Home is a lot more peaceful. AH is
responding to my boundaries and no more bs lifestyle. I am filled
with gratitude for everyone who has helped me along the way, and
for all who share their troubles here & those who share their wisdom.
Never give up.

And I do believe you can recover even if you are not in an intimate
relationship with someone else. A relationship would make you
use all the tools and behaviors you are learning more frequently
and challenge you, but the real recovery is your relationship
with yourself. You will be healthy and attract healthy.

This is really helpful.

Dandylion, it's not that I don't think there are good things about me. I am loved by a large group of friends. I have strength that I'm really proud of, the strength to, despite my abusive childhood from which my siblings didn't escape, to get a doctorate from an ivy league school and to end up working in Congress by age 35. I have 15 years in a career in public service including years teaching high school and college that I poured my heart and soul into. I'm a marathoner and a triathlete so I'm committed and tenacious. These are all things I'm proud of about myself because I could have so easily just laid down and died given what I've been through.

I spent so many years focused on NOT becoming a statistic and with being in therapy for my anxiety, all the while thinking that taking care of others was my duty, was the "right" thing to do, that I neglected that inner me.

For the past year since separating from my husband I've tried to just go easier on myself like you're saying, but I end up feeling depressed when I'm not pushing myself to work toward a goal in my career or athletics. I start sliding into bad habits and negative patterns. It's only been over the last few months that I've stopped crying all the time and feeling my feelings, lol. I'm trying to turn an eye toward the future and what's possible for me because I have the career and now at 35 I'd like the family before it's too late. The first time I tried that it was a disaster. I'm terrified I'll either repeat the negative pattern despite the work I've done or just end up alone without the family I'm longing for. The guys that I've attracted since separating from my husband have seemed great but then have turned out to be controlling (like my mother) and I've run for the hills. One guy I really liked just wanted me as a side piece. I come off as confident but somehow I attract people who think they can treat me like whatever.

Thanks for listening and thanks for the real talk!

TTH, is it that controlling people (like mother) are attracted to you,
or are you initially attracted to them?

Who we seek, even indirectly, is a pretty accurate mapping of where we are
inside.

The urgency to have the family is rather like running for the destination
but missing the journey--does this make any sense?

I'm pretty goal-oriented also, but I've found I am often quite controlling
when people are part of the equation instead of "non-human" goals
like running or work--the irony is I really don't get that I am quite often.

Situations unfold ideally like scenery, , , a bonding situation leading to home
and family like a big and emotionally "dangerous" thing for us codies.

My suggestions: be patient with yourself, focus on your own healing,
enjoy your own company and envision the positive hopes, not the fear.
That will bring in the partner that's a good fit for the future when it's time.

Wishing you the best--you have come a very long way
(I speak as a similar traveler) :grouphug:

Definition and Three Elements of Self Compassion | Kristin Neff

This information has been invaluable to me on my journey. Maybe
it will speak to your heart also ......

TTH....As a woman, I can sure appreciate your concerns on the family thing....
Lots of women are freezing their eggs, these days...for the same reason....

It is reasonable, I think, that you would have experienced a myriad of emotions during the past year...because grieving is necessary for healing.....
After one bad breakup, I was the worst emotional mess that you could ever see .... I had no idea that a human could cry so much....

Lol...I spent a lot of years, in and around Northwest D.C...on Pennsylvania ave...no less....and I know what you mean about attractive, sometimes powerful and controlling men......
I know t hat this sounds like a cliché ....but, you have to be willing to throw back a lot of fish......
LOl...I could tell you some stories......

Throwing back fish - I love it. Haha. I'm getting better at that.

Washington DC

LOL - the epicenter of narcissistic and personality disordered people,
along with Hollywood.

lol. I'm doomed!

See, I find the inner work far more difficult because it can be impossible to really SEE yourself clearly, in the 3rd person perspective, with fresh eyes & not fall into an automated knee-jerk judgmental response. I found it really difficult to SEE the pattern in order to figure out where/how to break it. Plus - how many of us lie to ourselves so well that we convince others that our lies are truths, even therapists? Codies do not always wear their dysfunction on their sleeves in obvious ways & what IS obvious are a lot of little seemingly unrelated behaviors unless someone is pretty knowledgable about this topic. How many CODIES don't understand codependency?? Maybe it's easy to spot from her position as a therapist, but for the person doing the hard work it's not so clear, IMO.

In a relationship though, I have a lot of other stuff that is easy to focus on externally - even a healthy, active relationship that simply keeps me busy & doesn't allow time for introspection works against my recovery & eventually I'll find myself disgruntled without understanding why. I get what she's saying here but I also think it's an opinion that makes assumptions about how the partner will act/react - my partner did NOT hold a mirror up to me, nor do I think it was his responsibility to do so. If it happens organically, that's a beautiful thing but I just don't think that's the reality for most.

My codie issues are more FOO related, and my healing & growth in that way are completely & totally outside of my relationship with my RAH. Many of the things I need to "get over" are things he would never consider problematic - like perfectionism. A lot of MY dysfunction masquerades as strengths of character that I've realized I developed as coping mechanisms in a seriously dysfunctional family..... they aren't necessarily my natural abilities shining through.

I think you're really asking great questions - I love these types of deep-thought threads, lol!

Hello Taco, and thank you for this "deep thread"

I do that too. What I have come to learn in recovery is that those goals were all "external". They were how I proved to myself that I was a worthy person. When I switched to "internal" goals I learned how to accept that I am already a worthy person. I was born worthy. Not something they teach you in a dysfunctional family like mine.

Yup. Same here. For me it is not that I attract them, it is that I _accept_ them in my life. It doesn't take long before I am surrounded by these types, and all the nice people have gone elsewhere.

Mike :)

I know this sounds so cheesy, but I was in a hotel in San Diego on business and I decided to indulge one night in a chick flick. I don't typically watch those kinds of movies, even though they're fun, because AH would never watch them.

Anyway, this movie was The Holiday with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. Both Kate Winslet's character in the UK and Cameron Diaz's in the US had bad relationships end a couple of days before Christmas--the guys were real jerks. So they find each other on a house exchange website and decide to spend Christmas alone, far far away. Cameron Diaz winds up in an adorable cottage in Surrey, and Kate Winslet winds up in a huge Beverly Hills mansion.

It was really a story of self-discovery. I identified with a lot of it--especially Cameron Diaz's backstory and inability to cry. It's a fun, but insightful movie about codependency in a way, so if you have nothing to do, rent it.

I am loving this thread--I've gotten lots of superb ideas for self-care, especially from FireSprite. Very inspiring.

Today I got home from a business trip which involved many 14 hour days and travel to 4 cities. These long exhausting days were punctuated with crazy, irrational text messages from AH accusing me of "having fun with ____ and ____ " (fill in the blank with a couple of different ethnicities) and neglecting him. BTW, while on this 8 day business trip I actually called him 13 times, texted him 25 times.

I have started running for myself, which is great. I love my job, which grounds me and keeps me around "normal" people. I need to do more. I really think I need to go back to therapy to break through and activate what my heart is telling me.

I hope that for me the answer to the title of this thread is "yes"

Originally posted by Firesprite
"See, I find the inner work far more difficult because it can be impossible to really SEE yourself clearly, in the 3rd person perspective, with fresh eyes & not fall into an automated knee-jerk judgmental response"

This is how understanding and practicing self compassion helped me.
(see link above)Before I could begin to accept my role in my situation & life (see myself) , I had to be able to trust myself - that I wouldn't beat myself down over my weaknesses or imperfections. When I believed I would be compassionate with myself, I was able to change and grow. It's a continuous process of self discovery, being able to ask myself any question about myself and not be afraid to be honest.

Well, maybe sometimes its a little scary.....

I completely understand what you said about attracting jerks. I too am pretty accomplished and I always attracted successful, charismatic men that treated me however they wanted. I was always a pawn in their life instead of really appreciated. This was due to my need to keep intimacy at a distance. My alcoholic ex was the man of my dreams on paper. He pulled me in so close then pushed me away constantly. Again my need for distance kept me hooked. There was no actual partnership.

Recently, after a ton of work I thought I was ready to date. I started seeing a genuinely nice guy who has pursued me from day one. He genuinely wants to be with me and is incredibly caring. So I freaked out. I can't handle it. I don't know how to function with the possibility of real intimacy. My depression came back, i pushed away. I actually started pining for my ex again...I even posted here about how miserable I was.

So my point is my codependency was a way to keep intimacy away. I was comfortable being needed but not actually loved. I thought I was doing better, even my therapist did, but then I met a guy that actually gave a crap and it really set me back. So now it's a different kind of work and I know it's something I'll always have to deal with.

Wow, I so feel that. In therapy I've gotten to some of my core beliefs and one is "why didn't anyone take care of me" (my parents/family) and the other is that "everyone disappoints me." In the past I've dated more than 1 gay guy and I've had several long-distance relationships. Intimacy issues much?!?!?

I've just done so much work since then. Sigh.

Oh, and I loved The Holiday with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. Gotta watch that one again this weekend!

It really does all start with FOO.

7 Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship: Is Your Relationship Healthy? | The Huffington Post

"
I am the oldest of 4 and my mother is very controlling and critical. She depended on me to take care of my younger siblings and keep the house clean when I was younger and would scream and rage if anything was out of place or if I displeased her in some way. I developed many of the ACOA symptoms from this. As an adult, I am highly successful (probably because of the perfectionism) but my siblings all have failure to launch and my mother still demands that I do things like find them jobs, write their resumes, etc. etc. I have always felt it was my duty to swoop in and save others because of my mother's pressure and it's still an itch I have....I just don't scratch it anymore! Feels great not to have to edit anyone's resumes, lol."

I relate to a lot of this. Thank you for sharing.

TTH, is it that controlling people (like mother) are attracted to you,
or are you initially attracted to them?

Who we seek, even indirectly, is a pretty accurate mapping of where we are
inside.

The urgency to have the family is rather like running for the destination
but missing the journey--does this make any sense?

Yes, this does make sense. One of the hard (but empowering) lessons I learned about codependency was that I needed the dependent person as much as they needed me. Or, so we thought. And, to top it off, was/am I actually the dependent? Does that make any sense?

The codependent often feels like they are the stronger one somehow. But, as the saying goes, "it takes two to tango".

When do we, "Codies", become responsible for the dysfunctional relationships we find ourselves in? Codependents are not victims.
When I began to understood that, I started owning my stuff. This was empowering for me, but also came with a lot of responsibility and no clear path.

As for your want for family (which is wonderful and can be found in a variety of packages), like Hawkeye said, 'don't miss the journey'.

So, to myself and you, Taco, I say.. stay open and compassionate but stay away from blood suckers. Take care of you, without the guilt!

Here's the thing - I've swung in the opposite direction now. I can see very clearly that I was attracted to dependent people, and I can see as you suggest (spot-on) that I needed to be needed.

But I've had more than one suitor since really starting to work on all this who very clearly saw me as a figure to leech off of. I ran, not walked, in the other direction, as I'm repelled by these types now.

So now I'm attracted to these aloof, power-hungry types.

At the end of the day, both sets are emotionally unavailable or emotionally 'un-whole.'

I guess what it comes down to is like attracts like. This is a mirror of where I am.

There is so much to ponder and to take from in this thread - thank you.

Haha.. I've often wondered why women complained about their husbands being workaholics.--I would die for a workaholic over an alcoholic! They leave you alone and provide you with financial security. Of course I'm kidding (sort of), but even though your pendulum may be swinging a little far these days, it will probably come back to center.