Is it truly possible to recover from codependency?

Old 12-04-2016, 06:33 PM
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Is it truly possible to recover from codependency?

I can see myself getting better in some key ways. I went from not even knowing what a boundary was to practicing setting boundaries and now I'm at the point where I'm boundary-happy, lol. That was one of my biggest problems. But I still have a long way to go.

I feel like I'm rolling a boulder uphill. I'd love to hear some success stories. I want to have a normal, healthy relationship someday.
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Old 12-04-2016, 06:44 PM
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Hi Taco, If you haven't already, check out "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. All the best to you and your future healthy and balanced relationships!
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Old 12-05-2016, 04:46 AM
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Hi there!

I don't know if I fall under definition of "co-dependent" (lol not minimizing, therapist seems to think so), but I am definitely a "rescuer", especially at work. After reading "co-dependent no more" I saw it clearly and started to make changes. I am much better now with delegating, not "swooping in to save the day" immediately - only when asked by higher ups, sometimes colleague if I have time, and even then prioritizing self care (excercising at lunch when in the past I would work through it if an urgent assignment was given). They seem to respect me more for it
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:46 AM
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I no longer rush in to fix things. Instead I let them unfold with my mother, who enables my alcoholic brother. Al-Anon gave me the tools. Forever grateful.
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:49 AM
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My alcoholic partner died. In widowhood, I had no problem rejecting new suitors with addiction problems.

As happened with Nata1980, I mind my own business and allow colleagues to work through problems themselves, only offering help when asked. In addition to having more time to do *my own tasks* I'm certain it's less annoying to my co-workers.
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:52 AM
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I can also see progress just this year in going no-contact with some family and old friends.
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:20 AM
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I definitely believe you can recover as a Codie. I also think it's pretty much the same for us as it is for the addicts in our lives - meaning that it isn't something that you start & finish, but an ongoing process of Recovery that stays with us over the rest of our lifetimes.

I am a completely different person now than I was 5 years ago at the beginning of this nightmare:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...covery-me.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uper-long.html
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:48 AM
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I am single and consider myself a work in progress success story .

1 - I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes.
2 - I kinda love this single thing for now.

I had a horrible start to this year, and I got really, really selfish - in a good way.
I tried dating a bit - which I can see now was at least in part out of being in pain (not a great way to start a relationship.)
I quit smoking.
I took some time away from everyone and every thing to grieve.
I camped and fished my face off this summer.
I rode my motorcycle ALL.THE.TIME.
I started exercising. I practiced saying NO, and quit trying to justify not wanting to do something beyond just not wanting to do it.
I spent plenty of time with family and friends.
And I kept working on me. And I don't doubt that I will want a relationship again...but at this moment, I have a very difficult time seeing myself willing to give up much of my time or energy for someone else.

If we can keep the healthy relationship with ourselves on our priority list above all else, I believe we can recover....but I also believe complacency can suck us back towards our old habits as easy as a recovering alcoholic.
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Old 12-05-2016, 10:48 AM
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I consider myself a success story, but like FireSprite says, I recognize Recovery as a lifelong journey.

And I am very happy in my current marriage to a non-A. That being said, the foundation of my happiness in this marriage (and frankly, all of my other relationships as well) is and always has been the three years I took AWAY from relationships, getting to know, respect, and love myself above all others.
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Old 12-05-2016, 05:20 PM
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Thanks for this little slice of hope today
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:03 AM
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I think I am "prone" to codependency (probably from childhood + being a naturally sensitive person, etc. etc.) and I will always have leanings towards behaving in a codependent way. Still, I think now being aware of this fact and being more aware of my own thoughts and actions, helps me to nip things in the bud a little quicker. Like all things, with more practice on a daily basis, I hope to even get better at staying detached and working my own side of the fence. Karen Casey's book, Let Go Now, Embracing Detachment is another great book that has helped me a lot with my codependent ways.
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Old 12-06-2016, 05:06 AM
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I think it is possible. I see and feel big improvement in myself as I work my Al-anon program.
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:15 AM
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TacoTruckHeaven......have you read "Co-dependency No More"?
If you haven't, yet.....I urge you to do so....
It is practically a "bible" around here...lol.....
It will really resignate with you.
There is a workbook that goes with the book...and, there are, also, some suggested personal "exercises" at the end of each chapter.....depending on which book you order.....
You can get it at the library...or order it pretty cheaply on amazon...especially if you order the "used" ones....(I always order the used books...lol).....

To answer your question....Yes, I believe that anyone can recover.....
I have changed many things, in my own life.....(that is my proof )......

I will say this, though....if you want to change something..you have to be willing to do whatever you have to do in order to change....
Wishing for change is not enough.....you have to make change happen......
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Old 12-06-2016, 10:40 AM
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Some things are easier than others, I've found. Boundaries weren't that hard but I still want to offer unsolicited advice (although I rarely do it). I know I can't fix anyone but myself. My disastrous relationship was with another recovering alcoholic and today I wouldn't date any alcoholic, even if he was channeling Bill Wilson. Especially if he was channeling Bill Wilson who was a womanizer.
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Old 12-06-2016, 11:43 AM
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I feel like I'm rolling a boulder up hill quite regularly. It's really hard to change these patterns that have served to protect us and keep us "happy" for many years. We kind of have to relearn everything about relationships. For me it's been extremely difficult but I definitely notice change. I'm going on about a year and a half now and the change has been minor bUT it's there. It won't happen overnight.
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Old 12-06-2016, 11:55 AM
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maybe I am getting better at that.. when Ed is moaning and dying .. I check for a bit roll over and go to sleep.. not sure what he is up to .. but have the feeling its no good... he has moments of being my hubby and then rearing his ugly head.. has to be free and wild and untamed and then sick as a nasty dog... .. its very hard...
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Old 12-06-2016, 04:22 PM
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Yes, I have read Codependent No More. It was super helpful. That was over a year ago, so it may be time to revisit - and thanks for the tip on the workbook!

I am the oldest of 4 and my mother is very controlling and critical. She depended on me to take care of my younger siblings and keep the house clean when I was younger and would scream and rage if anything was out of place or if I displeased her in some way. I developed many of the ACOA symptoms from this. As an adult, I am highly successful (probably because of the perfectionism) but my siblings all have failure to launch and my mother still demands that I do things like find them jobs, write their resumes, etc. etc. I have always felt it was my duty to swoop in and save others because of my mother's pressure and it's still an itch I have....I just don't scratch it anymore! Feels great not to have to edit anyone's resumes, lol.

I too am very much enjoying being single and I'm taking every opportunity to practice NOT being codependent. I feel like I've made some great strides but sometimes I notice a blind spot. For example, I got a new job and I couldn't wait to change my position on LinkedIn to prove to the world that I'm not a loser. Then I went through the list of "likes" to see who saw it. I wonder about what's a normal need for approval and what is the damaged part of me from childhood emerging.

And I do wonder about how much of this work I can actually do on my own. I get practice with casual dates and family and friends, but can you actually fully recover on your own? And if not, does that mean I'll never have a normal relationship? Because if I can't fully recover outside of a relationship, I'll likely begin one with another damaged person and repeat the whole cycle.
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:53 PM
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TTH.......there are many different versions of the definition of Co-Dependency...but, the one that has made the most sense to me is this: "Co-Dependency is less about our relationship with someone else than it is about a lack of relationship with ourself."

LOl....I can identify with the oldest child position, as I am one...and I have always observed other oldest children with some curiosity.....
Yes, we do seem to have some characterictics in common....which can be both an advantage and disadvantage...depending on how extreme and how much balance we have in our lives....

I can sense that you put a lot of pressure on yourself...?
If I am right about that...maybe you can begin by letting up on yourself, a little bit.....
Maybe, ask yourself, from time to time...who are you trying to please? Who is looking over your shoulder?
I think, that, sometimes, when we have lived for years with certain prison bars...even when the bars are removed...we still behave the same way as we did when they were present......

My answer to your question----I don't see why you have to be in an intimate relationship to make the kinds of changes you are thinking about.....

TTH...you have only been at this for a short time..compared to the number of years you haven't been. This is complex and brave stuff---excavating your family of origin stuff... You can't expect it to all become crystal clear, overnight....
Most of us spend our whole lifetime growing and learning about ourselves.....(learning never stops)....

These are just some of my thoughts...I hope that some of it helps.....
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:28 PM
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That makes so much sense. I have a friend who is a therapist and her take on it was the opposite, saying the solo work is kind of the easy work. She said when she's working with clients solo things move pretty quickly and then when it feels like they are done, she warns them that in a relationship issues are going to come up again because it's not until we are in a relationship and we have someone holding a mirror up to us that we are really challenged. On our own, we can make whatever decisions we want and it doesn't really affect anyone. It's the compromise, the sacrifice, the looking at yourself and behaviors in relationship that is the real intense work. In a relationship is also the time when you have to figure out how to communicate your own needs, to balance out your needs with someone else, to navigate and negotiate with two people with two different sets of feelings, wants and needs.

So, that's a major source of my confusion, because both perspectives make a lot of sense to me.
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Old 12-06-2016, 08:49 PM
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TTH......first of all...I am not a therapist.....
However, I agree with her, also......I do believe that there are certain aspects of ourselves that only come out in an intimate relationship.....
For example, I have had lots of close friends that I got along with just great---but, I know that I would not want to be in an intimate relationship with them....the level of expectation just changes sooo much in an intimate relationship.....
There is a book...."The Saber-Toothed Tiger" by Josie Perrine....that makes a point of saying that so metimes, a person can do very well in their other relationships and the abandonment issues, etc..come out only in an intimate relationship....(she explains it much better than I can)....(she is a therapist wh has done lots of work with women who can't bring themselves to leave abusive relationships)......

Because, I agree with your therapist's basic premise....doesn't mean that I think it is inconsistent with my p oint of view......

to me, it seems reasonable, that, if you have issues to work on....that you work on them when you are not in an intimate relationship AND continue to work on them when you do enter into an intimate relationship........
After all....even people who do not have glaring issues that interfere...still have to monitor their own self awareness and insight and make certain adjustments and changes, all along....both partners have to do this....I see it a a natural function and requirement of living with other human beans........

TTH.....lol...you can't be completely F***ed up.....You must have some wonderful and unique qualities that make you, you......
Give me a sign if you think I am right about that!
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