Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help
 

To all,
I have been posting in the alcoholism forum for awhile trying to get an understanding of how bad this beast and disease really is. It really has taken my wife from me with the depression and alcohol. I have moved forward with letting go of my marriage due to my wife's alcoholism and affair (possibly affairs). We have a 2 year old little girl and I will do everything possible to protect her. We initially setup equal time sharing based on her parents picking up/driving our child. I thought I was being fair and helpful but realized quickly that she doesn't think she has a problem and she will do what she wants. She says she's stopped drinking/ she's sober and is doing nothing wrong. Unfortunately after 100's of lies I don't believe a single word she says. I honestly believe she has pulled the wool over her families eyes and they have now become enablers. She was hiding her drinking for months before I caught on. When she left she was stage 4 alcoholic with severe withdrawals if she stopped. I filed emergency proceedings to remove her right for visitation until the court can determine if she's a risk or not. I have so much guilt doing this but I can't risk her driving around with our child. Every step of the way I feel like I have had no choices....she has turned on me.....her family has turned on me..... I don't even know the person I'm married to right now......she has gone to zero treatments.... and still says she's got control. How the hell am I the bad guy for trying to protect our child !!!! Why do I feel guilt protecting our child and watching alcohol destroy our marriage !!! It's such a horrible thing.....I still love my wife of old but she has thrown everything away. I really do hope one day she sees that I have done everything to protect our kid.

You are doing everything right. It is time to take care of yourself and work on letting go of that guilt.

Good luck!

(I have done the same thing with XAH - and I don't care about the amount of hate and whining that comes from him/his family).

Sam1, it's good to have you here. You have done exactly what you needed to do to protect your daughter. As the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Mother and severely codependent father, I can tell you have done what I wished anyone would have done for me when I was growing up -- put the well-being of me and my siblings first.

Addiction is powerful, cunning, and baffling, and while your questions are completely understandable, you may not ever get satisfying answers. But if you keep your well-being and the safety of your daughter in your sights you will continue to make healthy decisions despite whatever drama and chaos your wife and her family stir up. I hope you stick around here for support as you navigated the road ahead.

sam1....you did the right thing! You are not a "bad guy" for doing so. You can't depend on the judgement of the drinking alcoholic and her enablers to make a judgement about this. They still "have a dog in the fight".
You must accept that they will try to put you in a bad light, in this matter. This happens very, very, very commonly.

You know the truth.

Hugs, Sam. You know you are doing the right thing. Prayers for a healthy and happy ending.

I will and thank you for your kind words. I still love my wife for who she was and her kind soul. The amazing memories and the days we cried together in happiness over the birth of our child. Whatever demons are inside of her she has to fight them. I will not take guilt and blame for anything that I have not done. I will take control of our child to make sure her best interest is taken care of.....I just can't believe how someone throws everything away in their life that is good. As most I see a lot of hope that people get sober and realize what they have done.....I also realize that this doesn't happen on our schedule or time. I feel sick about what she could be doing on her spare time ....drinking....sleeping around....etc. Ultimately it's her body and guilt that she will have to face.

The right things seems to be the wrong thing to so many people. She is lying to everyone and anyone that will listen. Trying to blame everything on me.

sam......when I divorced my husband (with 3 small children)....he told unbelievable lies, about me, to anyone who would listen.
It was hard..it really was....
But, I just put my head down and kept doing what I knew was the best right thing.
Honestly, the first year is the hardest....
Over time, though, the truth has a way of showing itself...

Sam just hang on to that little one and keep them safe..

Problem is I have no clue where her rock bottom is. Will it be losing her marriage...possibly losing her daughter. Or will any of this wake her up. Either way I've made my decision to not be married to an addict. It is such a risk ...short and long term. 8 years ago she had an issue when we were dating....I thought she got over it.

It's a good decision, sam1. Take care of yourself and your child. Sorry her family is getting into it. It's really between you and your wife. Peace.

Why does it hurt so much to feel like I'm giving up on the love of my life though :(
I know what I can and can't accept in marriage.....but for some reason I still love her.

A couple of things. Your staying with her wouldn't get her sober--so it's not as if you're pulling the plug on a life support system. You might be pulling the plug on something that allows her to stay in denial about how her drinking is ruining her life.

What helped me, when I left my alcoholic husband (whom I still loved very much but could no longer watch destroy himself), I imagined myself gently placing him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. Almost 20 years later, he's still drinking (I don't keep in touch with him but I'm pretty sure I would have heard if he'd gotten sober), but I have been spared a front-row seat to the chaos of his life.

You're doing the right thing--for everyone concerned (including her).

Thank you LexieCat

Ultimately I know this is her battle. It is such a horrible thing to watch someone destroy themselves mentally and physically. I didn't see her eat a meal for 3 weeks.

Sam1, my mother has given us up (her children and her beloved grandchildren) to the bottle. I, like you, cannot fathom how a woman can give up her family so easily, but that is just how insidious alcoholism really is for all who are involved. I am sorry for your pain. You are doing the right thing. Don't get attached to any outcomes though. I used to make boundaries that I thought would manipulate my mother into getting help. Now my boundaries are just about me keeping my family life peaceful and healthy. I have accepted that my mom's path is her path and I do not have any control over her self destruction.

sam...Yes, it does hurt beyond what our mere words can describe....

Can I ask you guys something in regards to alcoholics anger. Can the alcoholism (stage 4) make the alcoholic so mad at you about everything that they actually act like they despise you? Cheat on you...etc. I know I was getting all the blame and redirect at me. I have chosen to not accept any of it from her. Seems like she just gets angrier because I wont accept any of the blame. I'm not the one that put the bottle to her lips or made her decisions for her. However I was the one that pulled the curtain down and exposed everything to her family. I'm also the one that will not have the wool pulled over my eyes thinking everything is grand and gone away.

Addiction is a beast that will do whatever it can to protect itself. It's sharpest tool is denial. An alcoholic in denial will blame whoever or whatever for their problems, and push off responsibility for their actions and choices as long as they can. Will this manifest as anger sometimes? Sure.

That being said, no one here can tell you whether or not you are blameless in the relationship. But we can guarantee you did not cause, cannot control, and certainly cannot control her alcoholism.

Personally, as an alcoholic with eight years of sobriety and someone who has been around alcoholism/recovery since my first husband got sober in 1980, I have no clue what "stage 4" means. I've heard the term "end-stage" for people close to death, but no other "stages"--and I suspect that's because the disease progresses differently in everyone.

Anger and blame-shifting are common among alcoholics in general. As you said, you blew her cover and have disrupted her comfortable existence. Too bad for her. As you said, what's happened is her doing.

I'm certain that I have not been perfect. I know no one is perfect in any relationship. However I have never crossed any of the lines that would desire this kind of treatment. I steadily watched this get worse month by month. I look back and everything started about a year ago. I have also noticed alcoholics will listen to anyone that will reassure them. She has a horrible drinking friend that has it out for me from Day 1. This friend is also divorced....drinks daily. She had an affair on her husband also.

It doesn't matter who her friends are or what they say. This is HER--on alcohol.

And I wasn't suggesting for one second that you did anything remotely wrong by "blowing her cover and disrupting her comfortable existence." I'm just saying that's how she perceives your perfectly reasonable (not to mention responsible) actions. It's a defense mechanism, and it's due to the alcoholism, not anything you did.

The one other thing I have decided in my heart is that our marriage is broken.
With infidelity and lies I'm not sure you can every trust anyone to the same level again. Marriage is trust on many levels including financial and future. I have also made a personal decision that maybe one day I would leave the door open for reconcile (without marriage) if she every got her **** together. I know it's hard to talk about these things in the early stages. I also know my mind may change many months from now and I have no control over timelines. Part of me feels like if there was ever true regret and remorse I would give it a shot for our child.
Like I said ...I have to take it one day at a time. Then again we will see how nasty this divorce gets.

I am in a similar situation, divorcing AW, have two kids. My STBXAW did same stuff, lies, sleeping around.

I first started divorce some 6months ago, but reconsidered. A couple of more relapses and I was convinced it was the only option.

You have a good plan to wait a long time before reconciliation. Don't worry about her friends or family, they don't know the real truth. Keep your head up and PM me if you want to bro-down about this.

Sam,
You are doing great with all your questions. Alcoholics put us in a pattern. They drink, screw up, apologize and repeat. This is the typical codie life, until it's not. Then codies change the game thats playing. The player doesn't like it and will do what ever it takes to get back to normal. They get really angry, and as usual tell us what loses we are and we are to blame for all their misery. Once the codies are aware of the change in their game rules, we know not to engage. Addicts like to control everything because their life internally is so out of control.

You are doing what's best for you and your child. You hope in the future it will include her, but it doesn't have too. I finally realized that even though I loved my addict, I don't have to live with them and tolerate their abuse. When I accepted the fact that I did not have the power to fix my addict and could only take care of me, my life slowly fell into place.

I am 2 years post divorce after 34 years together. I am doing good, nothing has changed with him. He still is not working much, still paryting, has a terrible relationship with our kids, but I don't have to solve this for him and try and fix him. It makes my life a lot less stressful not having to worry about it. One day maybe he will see what everyone else does, but maybe not.

Hugs my friend, take your time and figure it out. It will all fall into place the way God had in tended it too.

So a quick update..... she called me this morning with a non remorseful plea to save our marriage for our child. Said are we really doing this?....I'm willing to save our marriage for our child ....I need a yes or no answer from you. I said what do you want me to say....you haven't even shown remorse or anything for your actions. To me it was a cold, pissed off plea for me to stop the divorce process.....it's crazy...I feel like there is no love or caring in the convo. It just feels like a pissed off addict that is trying to keep status quo to prevent things from changing. Almost like I tried and you gave up shift of blamr. Any thoughts?

Sam,
She knows , you don't need to tell her, again. I am sure you have had many discussions regarding her drinking problem. They say to let the addict find the rehab and make the call, to figure it out. Us enablers need to stay out of their recovery. More chance of true recovery if they start the work before they get in, they need to want to be there and recover.

Of course she is angry, "you" are getting your way...haha. tell her that she knows what she needs to do. You are staying out of it. The divorce plans are still on the table till you see long term changes. She feels that she will give you a couple weeks of being a good girl and then things can return to status quo. Wrong

Good luck my friend, could be a rough day with her.

Well said and thanks for posting this DD , I took a lot from this post of yours.
Xx

Sam , you have done the right thing. You really have , I hope she gets better soon xx

Sam1
Gezzz. I'm reading my own story from a few years back. The anger is like something out of a horror movie. From being honest to lying 95% of the time to me just blew me away. Who is this person... The cheating and denial of that and the blaming me for everything to anyone who will listen. It was bad.
Every time I heard a ambulance and she had the kids my mind went there as she had no problem DD with ours and other kids in the car.
I filed for divorce and it was pure spite and her trying to discredit me. It was soooo tough. I would make sure you have a support system and a strong one. Alanon, a church men's group etc...
It SUCKS being in that spot but it WILL get better once you make it through.
Feel free to PM me.
AG

sam...I think that the denial of her disease will not allow her to face the truth that the alcoholism is destroying the marriage (at least, the major reason, as I read you)....
Obviously, she wants to have the marriage..but, is not ready to face giving up the alcohol. You know that a marriage can't be "fixed" when the active drinking is in play.
You will have to go with what YOU know..no matter what she says or promises.... She is not capable of keeping her promises, at this time.....

dandylion

To all,
A quick update. So I'm still moving forward with the divorce process due to the alcoholism and endangerment of our child. My wife has sobered up (forced by courts) and started confessing everything to me. How she knows she drank way too much, how she should not have been driving our child around. Here is the kicker ......she has been carrying on a 6 month affair with a childhood ex bf. All of the crap she was pulling was a deflection of her guilt. Her guilt led to more drinking.....her drinking led to dangerous actions, anger towards me and just general hate. Now that she's sober she is remorseful and apologizing about everything. Telling me she doesn't want the marriage to end.....etc. etc.
I know she is only about 1-2 weeks out of the alcoholism...... Just seems like it's one twist to another. It's like one was feeding the other.
All I know is none of this is normal wife/parenting for a young child......something seriously wrong