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Smarie he can't respect you much if he goes on refusing to leave. He knows he had terms to follow, that he couldn't drink at your place and he did it more than once. Now you've had enough he's actually refusing to acknowledge that you have rights in your own home. That's incredibly disrespectful and a little bit threatening. Please call the police if you have to, or at least someone to be with you as a witness and back you up. I hate to say it, but a man would be better because your XABF mustn't think much of women to feel he can just disregard everything you say. |
Three weeks later here I am again. Last time it happened I felt broken down after he refused to accept leaving. He cried and begged and I was under a lot of stress and after hours passed and he wouldn't stop harassing me I simply gave in just because I wanted freedom and I felt I couldn't get away. That when he finally broke me down and I could no longer repeat no, I let it happen and he was back. It made me sick but I felt trapped by his promise for yet another chance. I felt my no was not acceptable. I didn't want any of it yet there I was unable to have him back down. 3 weeks later today, after the first day I had my first ok day since the last binge, he did it again. I walked in from being away for a day to him covered in vomit. My sofa ruined - a mug full of cigarette butts and here I was spending another night hauling things to my car and ridding the apartment of the **** and vomit covering the sofa. I cried the whole time and yelled on deaf blacked out ears. Please God be with me when I try again to make him leave. Please don't let me crumble and let him stay no matter how much he makes me feel in a corner. Please give me the strength to do it - each relapse has been a window to escape and I've not felt free to do so. Let it be this one please. It's been a year nonstop since he's been binging and I know I will lose my life if he won't go this time. |
Heya Smarie, I know this next relapse isn't a surprise. Is there anyone who will support you? Can you call the police if he refuses to leave? Let us know how we can help and how it goes. |
Thank you Bekind ❤️ He is sleeping it off and I'm doing the same so I can work tomorrow. Thankfully I work from home so will be here when he comes to and can try asking again before I call police. Strange it's not surprising but it still is?? Like I shouldn't be shocked but I am behaving like someone who is surprised it happened again. My biggest fear is walking in on him dead and tonight seeing him covered in vomit while blacked out makes me realize what a real possibility it is. He also got into his aftershave again and my cough syrup. He's just laying there in his own garbage full of urine. I cleaned the vomit bc of the smell but no more giving him a bath like his mommy that I use to always do. I just need him gone and I can't spend my day repeating no like last time. Thank you so much for support. I go to Al Anon so have that so I will be ok. It's been exactly a year almost to the day that the relapsing started. Shocking how fast time has gone and how much of it I allowed to keep recycling itself. I suppose I now see how people stay for years. Time flies when you are in the Alki's tornado. |
You go for it Smarie. Even call the police in advance and ask their advice about what to do if he refuses to leave. He may dress it up with tears and pleading but look at his actions. He knows you can't physically remove him so he's bullying you by staying put and emotionally wearing you down. Don't engage at all; if he tries the crying and begging thing, ask him straight out whether he's willing to leave and if he doesn't, call the police. It might help to have your phone on record. I hope he doesn't have a key but if he does, you'll have to get the locks changed. All the best. |
Only you can decide how much longer you'll live like this. I put up with this type of behavior for 5 years before I finally figured out that if I wanted things to change, I was going to have to change them. Maybe it's time to pack him up and ship him back to his wife. |
Sometimes it really helps to go back and reread your posts...here's the link for you... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7424126 It's time to save YOU. |
smarie.......I will add my "ideas" to the mix...I don't know if they will help, but here goes---- 1. Begin the formal eviction process, through the court system.....(it will take time,,about 30days,,,longer if he knows his rights and is willing to jump through the hoops (I doubt that he does)... 2. Contact the local AA group and ask if anyone will come and do a 12th. Step with him..... On the day of eviction....have a ride arranged to transport him to the Salvation Army (or similar shelter)...... As for the couch....while he is still there...wrap the couch cushions in large plastic garbage bags and cover the whole thing with an old bedspread....(it makes the clean up much easier).... After he is gone...buy another couch from Craig's List.....(I got my best sectional couch, ever, from an ad on Craig's List. High end quality for 250 dollars)..... If all else fails..or you can't follow through...contact a lawyer who does landlord-tenant law...to help you get out of the lease and move to another place, yourself. |
I just reread your post about "try asking him again" to leave. Maybe it's time to stop asking and start telling. He's been a parasite for three years (and a married one at that). Tell him to get out or you'll call the police and he'll have to detox in jail. Anger has its uses. Get mad. |
I'd suggest you quit waiting for him to "accept." The one who needs to work on acceptance is YOU. You need to accept that he won't accept, that he will continue to mooch off of you and destroy your home. That's reality. The only one of you in a position to do anything about it is YOU. Have you gotten any legal advice? It seems to me that a 10-15 minute conversation with a lawyer who practices in your jurisdiction would be sufficient to find out what needs to be done to get him out. Calling the police, if they can't do anything because of the law, would then be a waste of time. Instead, you start whatever eviction process is necessary. As dandy indicated, that process takes some time so get the ball rolling now and you will be in position to do what you need to do. |
It stopped being about his alcoholism a long time ago, this is all about YOU and how you continue to choose to live your life. If cleaning up vomit, having ruined furniture and constant feelings of anxiety is the life you wish to live then keep “asking” him to leave. If that is not the kind of life you wish to live then “TELL” him to leave and put some kind of an action plan in place for yourself. Just like the A who admits they need help and say they want to stop drinking but do nothing at all to achieve that goal the codie does the same with admitting they don’t want to live with active alcoholism and they really want to change but really does nothing at all to achieve that goal. Words are not actions and mean so little when one truly wants to change. Is your apartment his legal address? Does he receive mail there? |
Smarie78 - I can't add much to what the other wise SR'ers have said. Just want to remind you that you're a strong woman and you can be your own hero! Stop asking him to leave and tell him to leave. Can you change the locks while he is out? You can do this. You can do this. You CAN do this! You deserve it! |
Originally Posted by LexieCat
(Post 6210495)
I'd suggest you quit waiting for him to "accept." The one who needs to work on acceptance is YOU. You need to accept that he won't accept, that he will continue to mooch off of you and destroy your home. That's reality. The only one of you in a position to do anything about it is YOU. Have you gotten any legal advice? It seems to me that a 10-15 minute conversation with a lawyer who practices in your jurisdiction would be sufficient to find out what needs to be done to get him out. Calling the police, if they can't do anything because of the law, would then be a waste of time. Instead, you start whatever eviction process is necessary. As dandy indicated, that process takes some time so get the ball rolling now and you will be in position to do what you need to do. From her story, I understand this man is physically refusing to leave . . .no matter if she asks him or tells him. I can't see her getting rid of him by herself with just words; it hasn't worked for her before. . . . too bad she can't find a couple of buffed guys to pick up his unconscious body and deposit it on a park bench. The only other poster I can remember who had the problem of getting his AGF to physically move out was Texasjeepguy. He wound up moving out of the house he owned until the eviction process was completed. Smarie, let us know how it goes and would love to hear that you called a lawyer . . . hmmm, I would love even more to hear you found a couple strong guys to pry his drunk carcass off your couch. |
Hey Smarie, if he starts begging, please physically remove yourself. Go somewhere else and start making calls to police, lawyers or maybe even AA. |
Smarie are you able to do anything right now to work towards a deeper understanding of why you felt your No was "unacceptable"? I believe you deserve a peaceful home and a respectful partner, if you choose to be in a relationship. But it won't make much difference until YOU believe it, too. |
When someone is passed out and is not alert or oriented and has vomit all over them it’s a good idea to call an ambulance, who will then REMOVE them from the home bring them to where the professionals can take care of them. After the professionals have deemed he is no longer a threat to himself and release him, she would be under no obligation to take him back into her home!!!! |
Thank you so much for all the words of support. He does not legally live with me, but was staying here temporarily after getting kicked out of his last apartment for doing what he is doing here. In that regard, I am very fortunate as we have no financial or legal ties together. Oddly enough I woke up this morning to a crystal clean apartment as though nothing ever happened. Not the faintest smell of anything poor - couch cushions laundered and really....as though last night were just a terrible nightmare. He could not look at me this morning except to say, "I will be out of here by Friday". During the day yesterday when I wasn't home I sent him an email demanding he leave because I knew what he was up to. Even he can no longer deny that he needs to leave. The key is going to be the next couple of days when he has a chance to manipulate me with cleaning the home and heading out to meetings (which he showered and left for momentarily). This will be his way of buying two days to change my mind and forget the nightmare that he keeps bringing me. This tends to be when I am most vulnerable because after the binges it is easy to fall back into our old ways. He had become my best friend and love so I tend to fall back easily when the dust of the tornado clears. I know that many of you will say make him leave tonight, but I am going to give him a chance to voluntarily leave on Friday if that is what he is telling me today. If Friday comes and he doesn't leave, I will call police to escort him out. Again, the next couple of days will be critical for me because it is time for me to become vulnerable by his small acts of not drinking and "good behavior". I will be heading to a meeting myself tonight to maintain the strength. Even as I saw him this morning, the man I fell in love with, no longer covered in his own disaster and cleaned up as though nothing happened, I had to fight off the image in my head that this isn't real. |
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
(Post 6210439)
Anger has its uses. Get mad. Thank you |
A mistake repeated more than once is a decision! What is your plan if he doesn’t actually drink and doesn’t actually move out on Friday? |
Why let him stay til Friday if - there are shelters he can go to - you become vulnerable during the short time hes on good behavior - you see clearly that he makes himself this manipulation window of time Are you already setting yourself up to let him stay in hopes he'll seek recovery THIS TIME? I ask because that's what I would have done at one point... We tend to set up our relapses...much like them! Sending you good vibes, strength, resolve, peace, and enough love for yourself to give him the boot sooner than later. ((((HUGS))) |
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