How to give to HP in moments of panic and uncertainty
 

It's been hours and haven't heard from my Abf. He was so determined when I talked to him this afternoon and even went to pick up his RX from his doctor today for his depression. Something he said he hasn't done during his relapsing but something that helped him during his sober times. He also had a long talk with his employer who decided to give him a final chance and he can go back to work tomorrow after he stopped his last binge 5 days ago.

He was starting the path to recovery and seemed so ready today. I can only imagine he fell off at some point this evening because he's disappeared again. I am away from home so have no idea if he is there or dead or alive.

I am devastated and not sure how to release this to God and be okay that his life isn't in my hands. Every horrific situation is going through my mind now and I'm afraid something happened and I am 1000% helpless. How do I give this to God?? I'm at a loss.

From my experience having gone through this too numerous times, all you can do & control is you.. One hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. You're going to be sad, angry, worried, sick to your stomach ... You can pray, exercise, walk, read, or whatever you can to pass the time& keep living your life for you.
Hopefully he will contact you soon, but in the meantime take care of yourself too., believe in yourself. You will be one stronger than you can imagine right now,& know that you will get through this with or without the abf there with you.
Take care & best wishes

Thank you. I'm on my knees praying harder than I ever prayed before. I need to know he didn't die. And I can't. I want to close my eyes and not wake until he calls. Trying to go to bed now and asking God to hear me - thank you for the advice. I told God I will leave if he just lets him be alive tonight. I promise.

you are assuming that this is his turning point. his bottom.

it's not.

let's see, after almost having the cops called, and almost being kicked out, he gets another chance.

after f'ing up big time at work, and almost being fired, he gets another chance.

he said the right words in the right order and people believed those words. he just ended another epic binge 5 days ago. he has now had time to regroup and get some rest, food....with a place to stay and someone looking after him.....and now that the hounds have been called off - AGAIN - he gets a reprieve and can carry on.

you "give him to God" when you realize he was never YOURS....the Universe did not gift him to you, or hand him over to your care.....you aren't giving him TO God, you are giving him BACK.

S,
Sending prayers to you that he is ok. We all love our addicts but we have no control. You give him to God to watch over him, that's the only thing we can do.

I have a sign at my desk that I read every day... "God didn't need me after all, as he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for his help."

Hugs my friend, I hope he is ok.

I just don't want him to die alone there. I just want someone to tell me he won't. I know I sound like a sick person here myself - I can almost pass out from the way this feels. I keep thinking that he can't die becUse he hasn't yet and it's just another binge, but we watched Leaving Las Vegas together Friday per his recommendation to help him face what can happen. I can't get the final scene out of my head now.

I promise if he is alive i promised to God just now I will leave. I've nothing left in me anymore. Tomorrow I can call police when back home because at least he can't destroy himself in jail. You are right - I am making him sick as much as I am making myself sick. Real love is to close the door. I'm worried I will die from this if he doesn't.

S,
There are many women and men who have died from their addictions. Only God knows what his future is. He never tells us. We pray that he will be safe.

Understand that you can only take care of you, not him. Hugs smarie, it is out of your control.

And then God spoke to me.

Just saw a call from abf. I ignored it since my panic episode passed and I was reading celebrity trash online and got my mind off of it. I asked God for a sign as I was in full blown panic , on my knees on the bathroom floor hysterical and praying desperately.. A sign that everything is gonna be ok. Despite 15 outbound calls to Abf and equal text messages all evening...he called.. Just once. No text or voicemail to explain. Just one call - enough for God to tell me he's got this and I can close my eyes for rest.

Talk about a HP moment ...

Smarie....I am glad that you heard from him.
How about hitting an alanon meeting....and a visit to your therapist?

So now what, Smarie? He's alive...

What next?

Hi Smarie,

I know that feeling of deep worry and fear so well. When my ex was in that stage with her drinking where she would disappear to drink, I developed panic attacks as a result of my immense fear of what might happen.

The bathroom floor was where I had many of my panic attacks too.

It is definitely worth getting some help yourself from a therapist to cope with those feelings. My therapist told me that when panic attacks first start occurring, they can be treated very successfully, but if they go untreated it can become harder to treat them later on, so sooner is better.

My therapist also told me to remember that anxiety in a situation where a loved one is at real risk of harm is not a false alarm triggering of the danger systems in the brain, but precisely the kind of situations that we evolved that system for.

Smarie it sounds like you're losing control of your emotions with an obsession about him dying when there was no real reason to think that. This is not good for you. Please seek help.
It's crazy that he's out having a good time while you're the one suffering. Try and cut the cord on him, and concentrate on your own mental health.

Thank you for the warm words. The last several hours have been really telling for me. Just spoke to Abf who is bright eyed and bushy tailed calling me saying "wow this phone is just horrible. Completely stops working and then comes back." . Granted his phone has been nearly kaput and we went to the cell place last weekend to get it fixed, but what I realized was that it simply didn't matter anymore.
It was the fact that he could speak to me so casually today with zero regard to what I went through all night. There was no acknowledgment of the worry and pain and sleeplessness he had to have known I experienced and even were it truly his phone, someone whose drinking has traumatized another so much would have found another way to contact. He has an iPad. It almost felt more painful to talk to him now and seemingly sobered up and normal, than it was not knowing if something happened.

This is where the disease logic goes out the window for me. I'm sick and tired of being abused. Of watching him destroy himself and getting to smile and head to work while I sit here on 3 hrs sleep sick from worry. God grant me the strength and ask him to leave tonight. If I don't I am likely to fall into a hole deeper than his. And better to leave if he is not actively drinking so at least that worry doesn't haunt me.

"I'm sorry, I was worried... contrary to what you may think I don't only think of myself. Every thought/concern in my daily life concerns you. I genuinely care for you and worry... "

A text he sent just Sunday night in reference to a doctor appointment I had yesterday. Everything out of his mouth is a lie.

Smarie, being with him is doing you no good at all.

He knew damn well how sick with worry you were that night.

He depended on you feeling that way. His addiction demands it.

If you are scared and off balance, literally crazy with fear and anxiety, his addiction is in control just like it wants to be. He knows you will be so relieved he is alive you wont dare lash out at him and he can continue on in his sick cycle.

I lived this scenario for years. I know how horrendous it feels.It made me very sick. I hope you manage to break free.

Smarie,
What is your plan??

"How to give to HP in moments of panic and uncertainty"


We run to Him in prayer as one would run to their Father when hurt.

We return often to give thanks.

M-Bob

Smarie, I hope you followed through and ended it. How horrible to live through that. You know what you need to know.

You know he doesn’t drink at you or too you to causes you to worry or get sever anxiety or have panic attacks. All of those things are your response to your chose to remain in a relationship with an A believing that you somehow have the power to save him.

If that were true and his life has been in your hands while dating, then explain why he’s still a mess and still drinking? Somehow that’s one excuse we tell ourselves when WE are not ready to give up our own addiction to the addict, except we don’t see it as addiction we call it love.

I learned a long time ago that you can’t control someone’s negative behavior you can only control how long you participate in it.

I hope you are feeling better this morning Smarie. :hug:

I found mantras to be extremely helpful during those panic-striken moments. "I am not in control of his actions; I am not responsible for his decisions." In my experience, I continued to emotionally react even after I logically realized it was ineffective..... but knowing I shouldn't be panicking wasn't enough to make me simply stop. I used mantras as a way of rewiring my brain when my thoughts were out of control..... I just repeated & repeated it while I focused on my breathing until I felt calm again.

A couple of things to think about that pop out for me reading your post (if you're interested)..... I hear you resenting him for doing exactly what you know he does. Is that reasonable, even if you're "right"? A sometimes unpopular opinion around here is that your alcoholic has every right to drink - he's a full grown man in charge of his own decisions in life. In all seriousness, he's not asking you to worry yourself sick, right? That's you reacting in fear (remember, Fear is not a part of Love) to loss of control/the unknown, right? Why would he wake up concerned about your evening? (Guilt isn't part of Love either).

He's also not drinking AT you. I've learned that when we are taking it personally like this, that's a sign that it's a choice being make on our side of the street.

Again, just food for thought. I've had more of these kinds of sleepless nights than I ever care to remember & at some point I just refused to continue to erode my Self any longer, in any way. Sleep is CRITICAL for me to be able to think & act with the best intentions in every other part of my life. While I could not control even the smallest of his behaviors, I could certainly put my efforts into controlling *me*.

Oh Smarie.. big hugs to you. I know that feeling so well, and it's just awful.
I had so many sleepless nights too, waiting for the phone to ring, or waiting to hear his truck pull into the driveway. Is he dead? Has he killed someone? Is he broken down and wandering in the woods somewhere?

I got to a point though, that him leaving was a relief, in some ways. I still had the panicky feeling, mostly worrying that he was with other women... but it wasn't as intense...at least I had a reprieve from his ugly drunkenness, and I was able to sleep.

Then, deeper down the hole, I actually got to a point that part of me hoped the call I would get was that he was dead... I hesitate to even post that because it sounds so awful... but I think I felt at that time like dealing with the pain of his death would be easier than dealing with the pain of what I was going through, or the pain of leaving him.

The Serenity Prayer. That always helped to calm me down, and feel connected to HP. I would say it over and over....

How are you doing this morning Smarie?

Have you read this Classic Sticky? I think it may resonate with you in your situation. :hug:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

Me too. Beyond checking our county's arrest website (they update regularly), calling hospitals (only a few, very desperate times), checking online for his call/text usage to see if he was contacting others (I was SICK, y'all) --- you all can't possibly know how many times I've theoretically planned RAH's funeral in my head. (well, You in This Forum can) It was the strangest feeling of loss & relief - I don't know which was stronger. It didn't feel good, just over.
:scorebad

Hi Smarie, this is going to sound harsh, but it's not meant that way.

Your ABF (or XABF?) doesn't owe you anything. Your worry and sleeplessness are your choice, and just because he's the source doesn't mean he has to cater to them at the level you want.

This doesn't mean his behaviour is acceptable, but you choose to put up with it, and buy into it to the extent that it's undermining your well-being. Meanwhile he's just doing whatever he does and probably deliberately refusing to cater to your anxiety.

He has the right to do whatever he chooses, but so do you. If you can't find a way to make it work, either through his sobriety or your detachment, then you both can decide to move on.

Thank you for the great support and words of advice. I understand that I can no more blame him than blame myself for allowing it. That's the insanity of it all. I am expecting him to act rationally but that's not what alcoholics do. It's just that when he isn't actively drinking he is very much rational so it's almost like I lose him in these moments and a demon takes over. It's been a very rough couple of days, but I am finally heading back home tonight and will face him. I have been away on business so it's been worse not knowing what is happening at home. Yesterday when I finally talked to him and got a hold of him he seemed so normal. His job even was giving him a final chance and he went in to sign the agreement - or so I thought. So far no word in the last 24 hours so I guess he ran off again with his friend vodka.

I just want this to be over.

I understand this feeling very much... It felt like I was dealing with two different people with mine too.
And I think was part of what made me continue giving him chances after chances, because once he sobered up and he was the husband I knew and loved again, it was hard to reconcile in my brain that he was the same drunk monster who had done and said all those awful things.

What's the plan for when you get home tonight?

Stay safe:grouphug:

That's exactly it Kboy. When he sobers up he comes back to the sweet and special man that I fell in love with the first time (though I still have never really gotten over the affair and given that I discovered it only a couple months ago, its tarnished my genuine love for him never mind the drinking).
But yes that is what my brain does - my therapist likes to tell me to stop looking at the small slice of the whole pie - the small slice being the good times, the friendship , the fun, the sex, the onslaught of attention, the connection, etc and zoom out and look at all the other slices - the separation from his current wife, the absent father, the drinking, the cheating, the lying, the verbal and emotional abuse. Then ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be.

I don't know what awaits at home, but likely what always does when he vanishes - a passed out alcoholic cradling vodka on my couch. I hope I at best I walk into that. I want the power to walk in and demand he leave and if not, have police take him. At least it will be something different. Maybe losing the job and me will be that bottom. Maybe not. But at least with a different action there may be a different result.

He has a wife and mother who can bail him out. There's nothing left for me.

I'm so sorry Smarie :grouphug:
I sure don't miss the anxiety of not knowing what I'm going to come home to... Ugh its awful. I would always call, just before heading home, so I could try to gauge just how drunk he was, and what kind of mood he was in...

Mine cheated too... and out of all that he did to me, that was probably the most devastating :(

It's your house, right? You DO have the power to demand he leave... you may have to go through the eviction process, but you can do it.

Can you go stay somewhere else for a while, until you can get him out?