What's normal?
 

I ask myself this so often. Have for years.
I'm a "normie" with an AH. After arguments or disagreements, the things we fight over, the reactions, all of it. I am always replaying things in my mind.

Recent event:
Control over a haircut.
"If I cut it any shorter than (said length ) he will vomit. "
Don't cut it short! Do it this way! Don't get a "dyke" hairdo.

He then declared how I should cut it.
I came home yesterday, and all he said was: "so you cut off more than you said you would".

And then silent treatment. Followed by angry outbursts.


What would a normal relationship look like in this scenario? Is this a stupid question? What the heck is wrong with me, I'm a smart person and probably know the answer.

And yes, my hair looks effing awesome;)

You have a right to wear your hair YOUR way. He wears his the way HE wants. I would be having issues with that kind of control. JMO

in a "non-dysfunctional, non-addictive" relationship, you'd just go get your haircut however you want, whenever you want, and all he'd say is Looks Great Honey!

it's not about the haircut. it's about CONTROL. and victimization. if he can keep you one down, then it takes the heat and focus off of HIM.

I don't know that there is a normal....

But I like to think that in a healthy relationship, your partner would be happy with your hair if YOU are happy with your hair - no matter what they thought of it deep down.

I see it as control. Using your haircut is just something to hang it on.

Any excuse will do.

No, it is not normal. A normal spouse would like it as long as you are happy with it.

Thanks guys.
Just more proof that ev.er.y.thing. is out of whack. I appreciate your input backing up my thoughts.
I need to trust my instincts.

I agree, "Normal" to me is getting home & saying, "Hey Hon, look what I did with my hair today!"

Or vice-versa. "Hey Hon - oh, you stopped for a haircut; looks good! What do you want to do for dinner?"

:grouphug:

Definitely not normal

Hair grows back, people change styles. Even if he's not a fan, it's not like it's that way permanently

My husband is an A (not currently active) but active or not he says, "you wear your hair the way you want; you're the one who has to deal with it, that shouldn't be my choice, it should be yours." Those things are what I love about him.

1) It's hair. It grows. Why is this a big deal to him?

2) It's YOUR hair. Your decision.

3) "Don't get dyke hair"??? Troglodyte.

Red flags all over.

Yes. Lol. THANK You. Troglodyte. Love it. Hahaha

always!!!!!!

The only real "normal" I know of is:


Attachment 30718

do you often have "fights" over such catastrophically important stuff as the length of your haircut?

Yes. Weekly.
Car being clean enough, can't find particular pair of socks, his brother pissed him off saying xyz....

^^^lol, that's the kind of normal I want to worry about!!!

what if you quit participating in HIS rants.....stop being the audience? stop LETTING him dictate every aspect of your life? curious exactly what qualifications he HAS to BE in charge of The Universe???

I don't participate beyond explaining myself, offering reasonable suggestions etc. If he gets going I ignore, walk away. ..that doesn't help sometimes and can make it worse.

I try not let him dictate me, but I do live with the man, and will admit to conceding more than I'd like to. In order to keep the peace at that very moment in time. And I know that's not helping any.

TW,
I agree with Avnil, why would you give him a platform for his disgust. I would not give him an option to negotiate this. I would say thank you for your opinion and leave the room. When you engage him then he can continue and all it does is upset you. He could care a less and he has no idea how much it hurts your feelings. Detach, Detach and Detach more.

but I do live with the man

that still does not give him the RIGHT to BE the dictator.

you WERE living apart right? how was that..............for YOU?