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-   -   The Long (Short) Goodbye (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/394082-long-short-goodbye.html)

Wells 07-05-2016 08:29 PM

The Long (Short) Goodbye
 
I've actually had nightmares of this day coming and now it's here. I've woken up feeling such relief when she was still there beside me. After today, it's happening for real and I don't get how I'm feeling but it just is what it is.

She will still have a few more trips back but will be mostly moved in by tomorrow. Did I set a record? 13 days from the day I told her I wanted her to move out, she's gone. I guess with all the discord lately she wasn't surprised.

Here I sit with the dog curled up in my lap one last time. She mentioned today it didn't have to be the last I'd see the dog. I had to tell her it would be too hard to see her and the dog and say goodbye over and over again. If only there was a way to see the dog and stay out of contact otherwise. I'm going to make billions on my new uber for dogs of separated couples service. Brilliant. Dogs delivered without breaking NC! I wish there was a way. This dog really has become my best pal. And she has no idea that she's about to lose me for good. Wow, how do you folks with kids do it in these situations? I'm choking up just looking into her eyes. Innocent bystanders.

All kidding aside it was a sad day. Saw her a lot. She cried again. We know it's over. We just don't see a way back and it's the end of 10 years of knowing each other. I know now that we were never getting anywhere living here together. To hear her say today that the first thing she's doing for herself is quitting drinking gives me a slight bit of hope for her. If it took losing 10 years to get her to change her thinking and even try, I'm glad we did it because it's what she needs.

As for me, I feel pretty crummy. The house is getting emptier as her stuff disappears. Soon it will be quiet and lifeless. I'm doing the right thing and I know that, but it still stings so bad. It doesn't matter if every friend, neighbor, person tell me that I'm doing the right thing...I alone now walk in this new direction. I invested in her, in us and held out hope that one day everything would just click. That day never came.

Was I too hard on her? I read so many stories here. Violence. Damage. Infidelity. I simply had to deal with a drunk person a few days a week who got drunk and eventually just went to sleep.

I want to fast forward, I hate this part.

redatlanta 07-05-2016 08:37 PM

Only you can determine what's right for you. Your last paragraph does make it sound like her alcoholism was *no biggie*.

I doubt that.

If you could have lived with it she would t be moving. If alcohol was not her first priority she would have quit.

Sadness brings regret. You are turning the last year I to a fairy tale when you start the path of "maybe it wasn't that bad".

I'm sorry because it is painful. Have you in my thoughts. Stay on the board and post as you go along. It will get better.

And P. S . A new pet is never a bad idea. They heal a lot.

LexieCat 07-05-2016 08:49 PM

Yeah, even when you know, in your head, that it's the only sane thing to do, it's still very hard, sad, and just plain painful.

OTOH, you can take some comfort in knowing that you split up with a minimum of rancor. You each treated the other decently--especially as these kinds of situations go. You didn't shed unnecessary blood. Those are truly things to be grateful for--both of you.

And when/if she does decide to do the work to get sober, she won't have to deal with a mountain of resentments over the way things went. And you, yourself, won't have the huge resentments that come with a really UGLY breakup.

Be good to yourself over the next few weeks. It takes some time to feel less sad/bitter about how things turned out.

Hugs from me,

dandylion 07-05-2016 09:19 PM

Wells, I understand how sad you feel.
dandylion

Please keep posting. We will keep listening.....

Bekindalways 07-05-2016 09:46 PM


Originally Posted by Wells (Post 6031599)
I'm doing the right thing and I know that, but it still stings so bad. It doesn't matter if every friend, neighbor, person tell me that I'm doing the right thing...I alone now walk in this new direction. I invested in her, in us and held out hope that one day everything would just click. That day never came.

W

So, so sorry for what you are going through Wells. And I agree, no matter how right the split is, it still hurts like all holy hell.

Please take care of yourself: eat well, get some exercise, and I hope you have some friends or family who will support you.

Keep posting and we will give you all the electronic support possible.

LovelyKaya33333 07-05-2016 10:10 PM

wells I know what you are going through
 
Hi.. I just want to give you some support. I know what you are going through. Especially about the part of knowing that it is the right thing in your head but it still hurts. I wish I had advice for you but we are in the same boat. Just wanted you to know I am sending you a hug and praying for you ...

sauerkraut 07-05-2016 10:16 PM

Hi Wells,
Yes, what you're going through is really hard. But don't romanticize the past. You told us about it, and it was not healthy or fulfilling. The only unambiguously good part was the dog, right?

So . . . how about doing a short term dog rescue so you have a new canine companion for awhile, until you're ready to adopt one for real? Or a house rabbit? The animal rescue organizations in my town are always looking for short-term rescuers. I think a new friend to take your mind off the ex might be really good for you, and I'm sure there is an animal out there who really needs you. :)

Hugs--

CentralOhioDad 07-06-2016 05:04 AM

Sending cyber-support to you. And cyber 'man-hugs' as well.

We are all here for you.

COD

Jaeger 07-06-2016 05:13 AM

I'm sorry you are hurting. This is the right thing to do and I hope you are able to see that soon. You wouldn't have asked her to move out if her drinking was not affecting you. We are walking with you friend!

Wells 07-06-2016 09:37 AM

Everyone, thank you so much for your posts of support and care during a tough time. I have friends and family but most of them are not local, so coming here to post my thoughts and feelings is quite cleansing in and of itself, even if it's just there for me to look back at someday, or for others to read to know they are not alone if they have to go through this, too.

So, I thank you for reading it, and thank you once again for taking the time to respond and send support.

On animals -- I'm going to try and follow the 6 month AA rule of no sudden changes to lifestyle, but if things get really lonely and empty here, I'll reconsider. I got this dog for her and we ended up having a great friendship, and I'd love to rescue another dog if I felt I was in the position to care for it and give it attention and love.

Daily exercise continues and that helps. Anyone who has tried it can attest to the fact that exercise never makes you feel worse emotionally, and it can be a nice boost during a day filled with a lot of sad times and thoughts.

I certainly see how romanticizing the past is a common thing you do at a time like this, you downplay the bad, you remember the good -- But you're right, just weeks ago I was sitting at home at 4 AM for the 3rd time in a week wondering where she was, who she was with, if she was ok -- And this after several attempts to tell her that it was having major negative effects on this relationship. Something had to change.

I'll remain hopeful from afar, as much as I'd like to remain in contact and share custody of the dog even, I don't feel that would be healing for me, and in addition it sort of continues to give her the support of my friendship and care for the dog (instead of her having to step up and take care of this herself). The best thing for her is going to be to have to fully realize the loss and for me to no longer act as a support system for her addiction. She says she intends to quit drinking. Let's see if she can walk the walk instead of just talk the talk for a while. And things will play out as they do.

I am so sorry for all of you who had to go through this yourselves, and also after reading some of the other threads here (and I want to come over there and give support once I get a hold of myself here)...I feel somewhat silly for having a problem of just a girlfriend who drinks a lot and comes home late or passes out. Yes, it's a problem, but seeing what some others have struggled through, so much more, I felt a bit guilty for even saying it was a problem when I can see how much more severe it can get.

Warm thoughts to all, and thank you -- More to come as I need to vent it out!

torquemax777 07-06-2016 09:45 AM

You never know though if you would have stayed together it may have, or probably would have, progressed to more than what it is right now; and even what it is right now sounds more like a roommate arrangement. I know, have that same arrangement for the most part even though my AH is not currently drinking due to a DUI/probation. It will be a year(s) more before I'll actually be convinced that it's going to "stick" Sooo....

hopeful4 07-06-2016 09:57 AM

Hi Wells,

I understand the struggle, I am sorry for what you are going through. Stay strong.

Love the Uber for Dogs idea LOL!

Sending lots of support and many hugs!

CentralOhioDad 07-06-2016 10:29 AM

Wells - when I first posted here several years ago, I gave the old "my situation isn't as bad, etc.". And, it most ways it was not. However, and this is a BIG however, it's bad ENOUGH for you to want/need to seek out this place for ideas, support, etc. Therefor, it's bad enough, and that's all that matters.

So, we're happy that you found this place, and found some comfort, support, 'friendship'. I thank the Good Lord everyday for this place and these people - it's been a life saver for me.

Stick around, and enjoy the next chapter of your life.

COD

Wells 07-06-2016 08:43 PM

I appreciate the support despite my situation not being nearly as gut wrenching as I have seen some others go through. I need to remind myself of my many blessings and good fortune instead of just feeling sorry for myself. I felt a little surrounded this week by couples who all make it work -- Granted, most of them have kids and I think in many cases children help keep couples working together as a team, and our lack of kids definitely gave us nothing to team up on. But I never knew I wanted a kid.

The roommate reference is really spot on from the standpoint that you feel so distant, and you lose that spark and connection of being part of an actual couple. It's just another body in the house. This week I've almost felt like she's a ghost floating around. We don't touch, don't talk much, we are just occupying space.

Whether she decides to try and fight this or not, I prefer she do it on her own terms at her own hand, rather that continue to live here and test the waters. I felt like such a fool when days after I would tell her how angry or hurt I was when she came home drunk in the middle of the night, she went and did it again. Not weeks, or months later. Days. If that doesn't show a lack of respect or care for a relationship, not sure what does. Roommate city. Your roommate can get away with doing stuff like that. Not your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse.

torquemax777 07-06-2016 10:39 PM

You're so much more stronger and solid than I, I commend you Wells ☺

Wells 07-07-2016 02:23 PM

I don't know if we can call sticking with this for 10 years despite so many "almost" break ups and chances to get out strong and solid, but thanks.

I wish it hadn't taken so much from my life to get here, but it is what it is. Time you can't get back and can only move forward with.

bluelily 07-07-2016 02:52 PM

Perhaps if you´re feeling lonely you can get a kitten (or two)? They´re less demanding as pets than dogs and their purring on your lap is very therapeutic. Also, they sleep about 16 hours a day so you don´t need to be playing with them all the time.

I saw in another thread that you were cleaning up your house, for me that is always very therapeutic. The thing is to keep busy, throwing away old clutter, cleaning, doing repairs, perhaps painting the walls. At some point you´ll realize you´re too busy to fall into de nostalgia trap.

Cyranoak 07-07-2016 06:48 PM

It's easy to fall into the pain-- it almost feels good (it feeds my martyr complex). Hallmark, movies, songs, and TV have taught us this well. The fact of the matter, as you have shared, is that it was time for it to end, and the house is not lifeless, it's drama-less which probably feels the same to you right now.

Learn to love the lack of drama, and yourself. You will be fine.

Cyranoak

Pixus 07-07-2016 07:50 PM


Originally Posted by Wells (Post 6032337)

On animals -- I'm going to try and follow the 6 month AA rule of no sudden changes to lifestyle, but if things get really lonely and empty here, I'll reconsider. I got this dog for her and we ended up having a great friendship, and I'd love to rescue another dog if I felt I was in the position to care for it and give it attention and love.

If you had a dog beforehand though, would this really be a big lifestyle change? I'm sorry, I don't know the ins and out of alanon and I don't want to jeopardise your recovery, but after following your heartbreaking story, I just really want to see you with a dog! :)

Wells 07-08-2016 07:31 AM

Thanks to those who have read and followed!

Things remain civil. I suspect for the first time in a long time she may at least be seeing the consequences and feeling the loss from her drinking and what it's brought us to. It's not nearly enough to change anything (as we have learned over the years, stress and life change are great reasons for an A to have some drinks).

She had a lot of stuff moved yesterday doing car trips in her little car and will get the rest of the small stuff today. To her credit it has been 15 days since I said we had to break up and she is almost fully out and set up a new life in a house a few miles away.

Mostly just small talk otherwise, talking about us or plans or feelings or whatever I realize is done. I also did something different than I did when we split last time. Last night, I called some immediate family to let them know we split and that her drinking was the main cause. As I'd made efforts to hide it plus we live far enough away that they didn't see her often, and she could keep it just under the limit atfsmily functions usually, they were surprised. But I wanted them to know why I had to do it. I thought it was important beyond just telling them I wasn't happy. My friends, well, they'd been around her enough to already get it.

So anyway, sad day for us and as much as I wanted to be stoic, when she asked if I wanted to say goodbye to the dog it was hard. I laid on the floor for a minute and silently choked back the sadness and gave her a bunch of pets, tears welled up and I walked away. No one likes seeing tears! She cried as well while I did this and was gone .

I know her best scenario is to either keep me as a friend or keep a foot in the door because she doesn't have a huge support system now. She has a couple local family members and her drinking pals and that is all. For that reason I expect she'll be on the dating sites already looking to fill the void. Not my concern and for that reason I'm staying off them.

An hour after she left she texted a video of the dog at the new place and another picture of a sentimental stuffed animal over there that I got her early in or relationship. I know the emotional pull game here and why this is done. It felt good when she made a comment about some lucky girl getting to move into the closet she just vacated because I knew she was jealous too. Ego stroke! But that is part of the Codie condition. And of course my ego says it feels good that she wants the text connection, but then I quickly realize she just wants me on the line for selfish reasons. When I respond, if we text, if we stay friends, she's still got a piece of that cushion left.

A bit somber again today, it will come and go in waves. This too shall pass.


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