You weren't too hard on her. Who really wants to live long term with someone who is just drunk half the time (and it usually gets worse). And also, I wouldn't put much stock in her saying she will quit drinking. As painful as it is, in a way you are lucky that you don't need to have contact with her. I have to with mine, b/c we have a son, and I don't know how I will handle it. That's another post I will have to get to later.
I like your idea about the Uber dog service. I think a dog is definitely in your future. I'd go for it when you're ready. Hope you feel better soon. You'll get through this.

I appreciate the thoughtful sentiment. As to be expected my feelings are mixed about today. It could not have gone any easier. After years of fighting about the alcohol so much I just expect everything to be a fight. I guess it really was just the booze, after all.

The one thing I realized I had to change this time (after our 1st breakup 4 years ago and our almost-breakup a year ago) was that the boundary set was the alcohol. If alcohol is in the picture, I am not.

It's a little tough to accept still only because I know there are still feelings left between the both of us. I'd love to have her home and I am pretty sure she'd love to come home. I'm a little torn sometimes wondering if she loved me, or just enabler me.

I never once made the pronouncement directly (because I assumed she knew) that in order for us to be together, the drinking needed to stop. I hope she knew that. I assume she did. I assume she knew this was the boundary. So I still wrestle with the fact that she basically did the mental exercise in her head -- "I love him, would love to make this relationship work...but...I can't give up drinking, oh well, that's the end of that then! Back to my drinking." That is a tough one to live with. I could see if she were spouting venom, hatred, disgust, fighting me over every little thing...Then I could see her reason for not wanting to stop. Why bother? But I have to live with the fact that, despite loving the idea of a life with me, the idea of a life without alcohol was too scary.

You're right, pndm. Our life together had progressed to work, alcohol, sleep from her end of the relationship. There just wasn't any more substance. When there wasn't work ahead, there was the drink. When there wasn't the drink, there was sleep. I still just wish this had a different outcome.

The work on me continues!

Hey wells. I am right on the same timeline as you with all of this. I have read about up and down days, we seem to have them together! But just wanted to share something that really helped me last night.

I started writing things down. Started from the meeting point in our relationship and wrote out all of the issues, obstacles, lies, and just behavior in general. Writing it down made it real to me. My mind could no longer think, oh it wasn't that bad. Oh, it could change.

Emotionally, I am much better today, just seeing it and not being able to let my mind take me to the bad place.

Hope your day gets better.

360 - thanks for your post. I'm catching up on your threads too, sorry you have to be in this situation. Not any fun.

So funny you mention the writing stuff down - Just the other day, I started a mental list just off the top of my head, of all the times she went over the line with alcohol in our 10 years together. And I only thought of the really bad ones that were especially memorable, not just all the miscellaneous "got drunk, passed out" type days which would be too numerous to ever recall individually.

Sure, she doesn't remember these bad moments (either fuzzy or blacked out) but I remember them like they were yesterday. In times like today, it helps to remember those things, because while I still love her, I have to remind myself that because she didn't want to change, I was heading down the road for more and more of those items to add to that list. I did not want to add any more.

Thank you so much, this was a sensible way to look at things today. We have to remember why we are here. My day is sad, but I have had way lower points in all this, too. So I am thankful for not being AS sad as I have been other times. I hope your day gets better as well.

Thats a huge part of it, isn't it?! Maybe things would have been different if they could remember it all...maybe not...but WE have to remember it.

I do not believe we can begin to heal from it all until the situation changes drastically.

Writing 'the good" and "the bad" lists helped me a lot after I left. I read them every time loneliness started getting the best of me and it put a halt to my romanticizing the relationship as something more than a sick (even though great at times) and harmful dynamic.

Better days ahead to you both! ^^

It helped to write down the things that had been bad for when I was missing him- and going no contact- and seeing how it really was- not how I wished it would be.........every now and then he would throw me a bone-say he would go to treatment- drink non-alcoholic beer (which is not alcohol free 6 = 1 real beer)---- it was just manipulation. After I left he was on match .com right away- looking for a new codependent. He found one- she stayed awhile. He died exactly a year ago. He :( was a good man- had a bad disease. :(

The dream.

Wells, I want you to know that I love you and I know I am the reason that our relationship went bad. I have taken a hard look at myself and I realize that I need to stop drinking or this problem and pattern will follow me for the rest of my life.

I have started to seek help, and have stopped drinking and hope to work on making myself a better person and never take a drink again. I can't promise I will succeed, but everything that has happened has convinced me that I want to try.

I know that a lot of damage has been done between us because of my drinking problem, and I know I can't ask you to wait for me, but I want you to know that losing us has made me want to beat this once and for all, regardless of what happens next.

I have not had a drink in x days and it is difficult, but after losing you, and our relationship, and everything we have built over the last 10 years, I know this is something that I have to do. Not for us, but for me, so I am not repeating this pattern of destruction in my life over and over again.

I love you, and I'm sorry -- I've reached a point where I know that I need to change or it is going to repeat or get worse.

ex

The Reality.

Wells,

I love you, I miss you, and I'd love to come home but let's not take alcohol off the table. Let's just get back to the way things were before and forget this happened. I miss you and our home but not enough to quit drinking, so I hope that you might just break down and let me come home again and we can try and find a balance where I can keep drinking and we can keep being together anyway. I love having you in my life but I also love all the extra comforts I get of everything that you do for me.

And I know you miss me too because you're codependent and hopefully just like the last time eventually you will just let me come home with no conditions, we can get back together and I can drink a little less for a while, then gradually get back up to where I was or even more, and I can have it all again, you, AND my alcohol! Thank you very much! Love you...in a way!

ex

Wells,
I truely feel your pain and emptiness. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells you, you did the right thing. It certainly in ones heart feels very painful!
I left my AH after 12 yrs. I had to leave my home. I have moved x2, the last move this week. It's been 6 months since I left. You might ask," is the pain any less?". No, I don't think it's less painful, I'm just seeing things differently. I will always carry it with me. My AH was a huge part of my life! We were supposed to grow old together. My AH chose the bottle instead of me! I think that really hurts!
You need to start creating new memories, and put your old ones in a safe place, never to be forgotten.
I think you took a huge step, by asking her to leave. You are finally saying to yourself that I count and deserve to be loved and respected.
I don't think it ever gets easier, but your life will be better.
I wish I could take that feeling of incredible loneliness and emptier away. Please post here frequently. It has always helped me. I know I'm talking to a group that supports me and really understands what I'm going through.
You are strong and have taken a huge step! Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.

Zircon

I could have written the second stanza of your "Reality" script about myself! Isn't that every A's dream - to have it all, including and a loving partner/family ready to take them back after each bender . (After all, they can't help it - they're sick and can't control themselves, how can we do anything but feel sorry for them, take them back, and be more understanding that they just can't control it)?" A little editorializing on my part, of course, but you get the drift.!)

yep-my story too....my XAH died exactly a year ago last week...... and the family; 1st x-wife, me 2nd x-wife, 2 kids, his brother and sister-in -law all got together for a nice dinner as a group......xah's name was never even brought up....... sad.......too painful.......

I know it has been a while for you, Wells, and it is so hard to miss a pet. I just want to share my experience. I brought the dogs with me. They are sleeping next to me now. Anyway, about five weeks ago, my AH asked my lawyer to see the dogs- so I offered- through my lawyer- either our son could deliver them and bring them back- OR- even better- I would drop the dogs at our veterinarian and AH could pick them up there and drop them back at the vet. The vet is about a mile from his house and the vet said we have been good customers for a long time and there would be no charge. What a perfect solution I thought. Because I believed him that he wanted to see the dogs!! Another lie!!! It has been 5 weeks and no attempt to take me up on either offer. It was just an attempt to see me. I don't think he misses them at all! What a big fat liar! By the way, I have to tell you my dogs actually seem happier and more relaxed now- not depressed at all! Go figure! And I was actually feeling guilty about the dogs!! Like poor dogs will get less attention now- so sad. But it doesn't seem to be affecting them that way at all! Just the opposite.

Zircon - Your words are amazing and thank you. From someone who has been just 6 months in you are doing wonderfully from the sound of it. And what you and everyone around here says is true. I am closing in on the 2nd month and while I do not have good days, or moments, every day, I am experiencing them more as my brain adjusts to living life for myself, and not in constant worry about the behavior of someone else. Today was a good day where I was alone the entire day, but was productive around the house, exercised, and treated myself to a movie and dinner out - By myself! Even enjoyed a beer with dinner and didn't trigger or bother me at all. It's so nice to have a dinner and order a drink without watching the person next to me finish theirs 4x faster and order 3 more while I drank my one. With time, and distance, you appreciate the little things.

None of that's to say that tomorrow or another day soon I won't be filled with emptiness or sorrow or regret or anger again -- But I'll take my good days when I can get them and my brain is tuned in the right way.

pndm7 - Thanks, I wrote the letter basically knowing the ridiculousness of it as we know we'd never receive either letter, no one here has or does. The first is more the "codie's dream" and the second would probably be what the alcoholic's letter would say if they dropped all pretense about it before separation. Those that want to reconcile but keep the drink, anyway.


Carol - Familiar with your story and the way you write is very touching, I am sorry for the loss and what you had to endure, but your wisdom is so much appreciated and comes through so clearly in your posts. Thanks.

qtpi - 2 years ago I didn't ever want a dog, and my ex talked me into it when she got sober for a few months as a "reward" (cue laugh track) and I never thought I could love a creature that much. Animals are just so wonderful with the unconditional love they give. More than any human can (I can't ever say I loved my ex unconditionally, because the condition of alcoholism made me break that promise). The dog did nothing at all wrong which made it hard when she first left. I am learning to cope without her, and my ex actually has been sending me the occasional photo or video, which I assume eventually will stop, but I appreciate in seeing that the dog is back to her old self. I wish I could have her, too, but it's my ex's dog, as much as it loved me, it will love her unconditionally as well, and I know she will take good care of her. My ex may have neglected a lot of things, but her care and love for animals was a bright point. So, happy to report my ex-pup is doing well. Still miss her, but like everyone promised, it does get easier with time (the photos don't stir up pain or temptation to ask her back, if anyone is wondering). Really the only question that remains for me is if I want to get my own dog, and when.

Absolutely loved the second letter- right on the mark- I put a copy on my refrigerator. It is exactly how things would have gone for me- if I went back my AH would have started drinking again and he just wanted everything to go back to the way it was! Thank you Wells.