Perhaps the worst thing I heard from my exh
 

No man ever wants to listen to a woman, they only pretend to, so that they can get sex.

I hear this in my head over and over. I come to this forum and I see so many decent men here that I don't think would ever think that of me.

I want that voice to go away.

amy

I heard much of the same from my ex at the end. Amy, praying fervently that God sever the soul ties with your ex so that you can heal. His voice will fade....each time that voice pops in your head do me a favor and replace those words with positive affirming words....you can do this!!

Hugs.

I have made many friends here, where I moved to. Almost all are male friends. It's once they pass the line and might want to date me, I am done with them. (I hear that voice in my head that they are just going to use me). I'm just done.

amy

It is only the men who live from the animalistic parts of their brain that are like that. To be fair, women in that place too also use men the same way.

eg, addicts, dysfunctional people.

I think only incredibly immature men think that. It's like something a 17 year old would say!

May I share that the worst thing AH said to me was that I am not a proper woman as I have not had children!! Boom tish!

They are sick, they say stuff.

Are there men that do that? SURE

There are women who use sex as a tool as well.

Your Ex is a bonehead. Of course he had to manipulate the situation to get laid. *Sigh*, he doesn't even see that he defiles himself by saying he had to work at, lie, and manipulate to get sex, when normal men don't.

A's are emotionally stuck in the age they were when they started "using".....don't take it personally.......he is "quacking"-quack-quack-quack

I have MANY women friends whose company I enjoy, and am a celibate Catholic layman.

Amy, I have a huge distrust of basically all men right now. However, when I logically think about it, I know they are not all alike. Look at some of the men here, they are fine people who their wives are lucky to have, and the shoe is many times on the other foot in these cases.

Hugs to you.

In general men are more on that spectrum than woman. We all should know that. With that said, most men greatly enjoy and appreciate the company of a woman for many more things than sex.

I'd love to just spend time with a woman who is sober and emotionally healthy. Sex would be the last thing on my mind - I would just love being able to relax, laugh, and talk to them.

^ if I'm ever in Ohio, we should grab a cup of coffee ;)

Sounds like a plan!

This.

Whatever the words, it is all insane quacking. Is not personal. It would be said to whoever is in front of them at the time.

something I think you could do is accept the statement as completely false and look at the source the statement came from.
then forgive the sick jackwagon.

I have a handful of male friends - purely platonic - but souls connected through humor, the love of being outdoors, fishing, building stuff or riding (mostly stuff ma girls don't really care for.) I don't believe they want to have sex with me - we just 'get' the good stuff - together, and it is deeply meaningful without any sexual tension, pressure or expectation.

They are out there, all over the place! Your ex is QUACKERS!

((((((((Amy))))))))
He's a d!ck... You are wonderful and there are loads of men out there who would be honored to listen to you!

but I know what you mean...
Mine told me I will never be a "real woman" because I put the kids' needs before his needs.
Even though I know I drove myself crazy trying so hard to "meet his needs" (way harder than I probably should have) and take care of the kids and work full time.... I still hear him saying that, and I wonder (not that I'm ready for a new relationship!) if future men in my life will think the same thing...

When I was about 8 my dad told me he loved my mom more than he loved me.

When I was about 11 he told me no man would ever want to marry me after I burped at the dinner table.

Some things are just hard to forget, even if you know they're bs....

((((hugs)))) Amy. I know exactly what you mean about hearing his voice. FOG makes an excellent suggestion about when you hear that phrase -- or any phrase in his voice that was ingrained into your psyche over the years of abuse -- to replace it with something positive. It's been really hard for me to do, but the first step, which you've already taken, is to hear it and recognize it for what it is. (Not yours / not true / not valid.)

The thing is, when an abusive partner says something long enough, it does become kind of stuck in our minds. That's the truly s--t part of abuse: taking on the stuff they want us to believe, even though we *know* it's not true - or at lease once knew it to be false - or hoped it to be false. Bruises heal. Wounds scar. Broken bones re-knit. Though our body may never be exactly the same again, it's simpler to point to the physical hurts and say "That is wrong." The words are so much harder to ferret out, recognize as abuse, and re-learn what is true. Often, the abusers know where our insecurities lie and twist those to use them as the basis for their control. So not only are we fighting their conditioning, we're fighting our own self-doubts, our own fears.

However. I firmly believe we can make their (the abuser's) voice diminish and I'm hopeful we can make it go away altogether. Each step we take to rebuild our self-esteem reduces it's power. Each time we hear it, say "Stop", and acknowledge that it's not 100% true, it loses it's strength. Each time we're able to point out specific examples of the truth, we walk further away from its source. When we find living examples of why that voice is not true and accept them into our life - whether it's as a friend, a new lover or (maybe, especially) just ourselves - we affirm how strong/brave we actually are and that it's stronger/braver than that voice. Eventually, I believe, we'll get to a point where we start to believe there are others who are worthy of trust, and start to trust ourselves again.

Deep breath, Amy. You're going to be OK. You already are. You are loved. You are worthy of love. And you're so much braver than you give yourself credit for. (((((hugs))))

the worst thing I ever heard my AX say was "No other man will ever want you."

Sue

"A woman is just a support system for a c***."

It's been over thirty years since I've seen or talked to him, but certain phrases live on. I get it.

Mostly I regret that I never once fought back...when he and his creepy friends talked like that, I just took it.

Remember, though that living well is the best revenge.

Sending you a hug.

^ I heard that too, sue. Time and time again. So damaged me to my core but fought my way back. He ain't worth it.

Aries-yep, been there with the creepy family and friend conversations...disgusted. If you want to know where my ex got his trashy low morals, look no further than the family portrait of his FOO and those select friends he shows his true self to. Truly. I did start fighting back and that's when my exs abuse really escalated. Awful that those words stick with you...and nothing takes them away. Time does lessen the sting.

Amy-your ex is not worth you spending one more second on him. You are going to be ok!!! And that voice will fade...it will!

Mine would make jokes about trading me in for a newer model.

Then he cheated on me.

He also once told me that "all pu****s feel the same." He didn't treat me at ALL the way I needed/deserved, in any area of our relationship. All he cared about was himself, his beer, and his drugs. And I put up with it for 15 YEARS. Yuck.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. We're all so much better off without them!

Hi sweet friend...it's been a while.

I hear you, it's scary. It's ok to still be in healing mode. I am too. Just be careful to not lump all men in the same drunk boat because they aren't all the same -- thank God for that!

Take your time. Keep healing and working on you and all those issues and ugly words that pop into your head because they're not true. I'm proof...I'm still dating Mr Harley and quite happy. Trust is an off and on issue, not because he's ever done anything untrustworthy, but because that is what I've become accustomed to over the years living with an addict. It will change for us both, so chin up!! Don't let your ex and all the lies he spewed for so long rob you of the future happiness you deserve.

Hugs to you, Amy!

It feels like being pecked to death- but they are good people with a bad disease-that can be arrested-
but never cured.......

^ I agree but some are just bad people-has nothing to do with alcoholism. It has more to do with arrogabce and entitlement to treat a wife like property and degrade her...that is abuse.

My exAb used to say such awful things to me... similar to that. I still hear some of the things he said me months and months ago and it makes me cry. I truly think some alcoholics are narcissists or sociopaths...they seem to have a selfish nature and tendency toward lack of empathy for others. I have read articles saying that Narcis and socios are prone to addictive behavior.

^ totally accurate. Narcs and sociopaths have no enpathy. None. The substance abuse just masks a much larger problem-THE problem-a personality disorder. Alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg for these types. Quite a few of us here are dealing with just that.

Yeah, For. And now I'm left wondering how I even got into this mess. I don't know how I got sucked into it. And why did I put up with all the lies and the insults? I'm out of the situation and haven't properly talked to him in 2 weeks but still feel so down about myself and the situation. (I know 2 weeks isn't a long time.. but I accepted months ago that it wasn't going to work out between us). I just can't believe people exist who lack such respect and empathy for others. It is just so depressing getting close to someone who disrespects and hurts you and doesn't care.

There were so many little insults like towards my appearance, clothes, intelligence.. So many things. He just wanted someone that he could belittle and hurt. I feel sick thinking about it and sick that I miss the "good" parts of him.

and some "a's" were just "a-holes" before they were "a's" :(