My limit has been reached
 

Since my last post, I've been avoiding this forum. My AH and I talked a week ago and he swore he was done. I told him I called a lawyer, that this is beyond serious. I saw a glimmer of a baby step in him that he "gets it". No defensive talk from him, he gets this is at the end for me. So while in my heart I knew he wasn't magically sober, I allowed myself a little bit more empathy for him and to let myself just relax for a moment and that things be for just now.
Thursday night as I was about to go to sleep, he got up and tripped and busted his head open. Huge gash on his head, his chin and a broken finger. Luckily our neighbors were able to come over and stay at our house for our daughter while we went to the ER. I wasn't sure if this was because he drank or not. He seemed lucid. Until we got to the car and I saw him trying to hide an empty pint of whiskey that was in the garage. 20 stitches in his head, 8 in his chin and a broken finger that probably will need surgery. I was at the ER with him until 6 am, came home to take our daughter to daycare and had to go to work on zero hours of sleep.
Of course this was a "wake up" for him. Of course he hates himself and swears he's done. And I know he means it. At this moment.
But I've continually asked myself what is going to make me say enough is enough. And now this HAS to be it for me. I can reason my way out of it, but I'm forcing myself to recognize I have reached my limit. As a mother, I cannot ignore this. He's put me through emotional hell, he's taken chances of drinking while around our daughter, but now he's injured himself severely. If this is not the limit for me, what is? The logical next step would be either my daughter or me being injured. And I cannot take that chance.
I told him last night he needs to move out. This is killing me. I don't WANT this, but I have to. I just keep thinking this is the right choice, I have to do this, ignoring this HUGE sign will have catastrophic consequences at some point. If this isn't my limit, then I am just handing over my and my daughter's health to a very sick individual and crossing my fingers.
Please help me stay strong in my resolve. I have to. This hurts and I hurt for him and the pain he is going through. My heart breaks for him, but I have to do this for me and my child.

No kids in my case. But right there with you when you are told they're done, to find out they aren't.

Feel badly for them, but get the H out before it gets worse.

Because it will.

FutureTrip.....There comes a time when you just have to do what you KNOW you have to do!
Best to keep your head in charge for the next bit of time...because your heart can't be trusted to act in you and your child's best interest. It is just to vulnerable, right now.

I suggest that you go to the "Classic Reading" sticky....and read the article called---"How to tell if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". I think that would be very helpful info. for you, today.

Sometimes, the alcoholic means it---"this is the last"---at the moment tat they say it. What they don't grasp is that they are helpless over the alcohol.....This is the heart of what step 1 is in AA. Helpless over the alcohol.
It is very hard for them to grasp this!!

Please, educate yourself about the nature of alcoholism.....the stickies at the top of the main page--above the threads....is a virtual bootcamp of education about alcoholism and co-dependency!
Learn it for yourself...so that y ou really know what you are up against.

I haven't heard a word about him going to AA..or getting a sponsor...or considering rehab...or anything.......?

Just because I say this...I am NOT suggesting that you stay....!
It is for your own understanding and edification, only.

dandylion

He went to a 30 day rehab in February, was supposed to do out patient after but quit that after a week saying he'd go to AA meetings instead, stopped going to regular meetings after a month or so and currently goes to 1 meeting a week at the rehab center and has a sponsor he sees once every week or two to work on the steps, but he doesn't use him for day to day support and I doubt the sponsor even knows the extent that he's continued drinking.

My first post has more background but it won't let me post the link.

Here you go

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-do-now.html

Mike :)

Trust your gut. Really and truly for now he needs to go.

Repercussions and accountability are something that does seem to affect some alcoholics. As spouses we are somewhat limited to repercussions - its not like you can sit him in the corner or take away his cell phone.

So, unfortunately the only real repercussion we do have to enforce is to separate. You have had one issue where he put your child in danger and now one where he has put himself in danger. You have been down the road of "lets try again" several times.

I think I would have some boundaries for him (if you aren't ready to divorce) about what it will take for you not to file now. Up to him. Perhaps this is the time.

As for the sponsor and therapist they are a waste of time and money. He is not sober, he is not trying to be sober.

Hi FT,
A couple of things helped strengthen my resolve when I was at a similar turning point: 1) recognizing that staying with him wasn't doing him any favors even though it might seem like the "nice" thing to do; 2) recognizing that I was being a terrible role model for our children, by continuing to stay; and 3) realizing that if the tables were reversed, and I were the one with the drinking problem, he would be best off distancing himself and our children from me, too.

Good luck. Visualize the life you want, and then you can start taking the steps you need to make it happen, and it will happen.

FutureTrip, the breaking point for me was the same as for you--XAH was seriously injured, apparently in a hit-and-run down at our mailbox, that resulted in a smashed elbow that required surgical repair as well as 5 broken ribs. In the ER, 4 hours after the accident, his BAC was still well over the legal limit to drive, yet he insists that he did not stagger or stumble into the passing vehicle that threw him more than 20 feet, altho he doesn't remember at all what DID happen.

At that point, we were already divorced, but he was living in the upper unit of my house. After the injury, I told him he needed to move out. What made the big difference for me was knowing the BAC numbers. I realized that if this was a "normal" night of drinking for him, he would barely have cleared the alcohol from his system by the time he went to work in the AM, and if he was drinking at work as I suspected, he likely had not been totally sober in a very, very long time! No wonder I found it so difficult to tell when he was drinking--he ALWAYS had alcohol in his bloodstream...

There was a member here called BoxinRotz whose AH had a horrific motorcycle accident, complete w/brain injury. You can search for her posts in this forum; you might find it helpful to read some of them.

This is what I'm coming to realize as well. He says he didn't drink enough to pass out, but he doesn't know what happened or what his face hit to cause all the damage. He seemed completely sober after. He is also on zoloft which he has known has caused some of his past drinking episodes to get way worse and he's pointing to that being why he probably passed out. But even knowing that, he made the choice to drink. He's at a place where who knows how much or how little alcohol it will take for him to have a severe reaction. One "slip up" beer could have detrimental consequences in that moment, not just him obviously not being in recovery.

This is my limit. I don't know what my decisions will be in the future, but I'm choosing my health and my daughter's safety first and foremost from here on out.

I'm sorry you need to be going through this. Sometimes we keep raising down the bar to the point where we don't even recognize ourselves anymore. What happened to that person that vowed to never put up with sh*t. Now we are eyeballs deep in it and don't know how to get out and it just keeps piling on.

Although your AH may not want to drink and means well when he says that, his disease will creep up and get a hold of him all over again. It's extremely frustrating for us to witness, it truly becomes a family disease. You can either continue like you have been (crossing your figures and hoping for the day you win the lottery), or taking yourself and your daughter out of the dysfunction. I know, easier said than done.

Just like you are struggling to leave him. Probably told yourself a million times that you need to leave for the betterment of your own sanity, future, your daughter. You haven't done so yet. Now imagine your AH who has a powerful addiction. He has probably told himself on numerous occasions that he needs to stop drinking. But he is too is weak. Statistically, You have a better chance in leaving him than an addict has in sobriety.

You are absolutely right. I thought the same thing earlier today. I am going through the same destructive cyclical process that he is going through with my codependency and inability to take action and control of my life. That's precisely why I posted today, to find support from others who have been in my situation. That's why I called my family and told them what had happened and that I told him to move out, to hold myself accountable for this decision. I am trying to use MY network, MY support to help me do everything I can to make the right decision. The thought process is the same as an alcoholic's: I want to avoid the pain, avoid the reality around me, continue to live the same way but expect different results. So now I will make the choices I've been asking my AH to do for himself: I will take responsibility for my life as it is now, I will reach out for help and support from others, I will realize that there is no easy way out of this and in order for me to get through to the other side I'm going to have to accept that it will be painful and hard but in the end it is worth it. I am going to stop making destructive decisions through inaction.

After the last couple days I actually feel relieved of the anger and disappointment. I can feel empathy for him again. I feel like I finally see how much pain he is in and how he knows that he doesn't want this disease but he's too scared to let his grip go. He makes his choices to drink, yes, but now I see how deep this runs. And for some reason seeing all of it more clearly is making it easier for me to go. Because there isn't a thing I can do to help him choose differently and so then I either go down with him or I save myself.

FutureTrip.....Yes, I think that AlcoholicsWife makes a good point that we, on the loved one's side, don't always recognize---that we do some of the same things that they do about trying to make and stick to decisions, when there is pain involved......
LOL...it is ironic how often we condemn them, and, yet, cry for mercy for ourselves...for the same kind of thing.....
Sigh....there is such pain on both sides of the equasion....

FutureTrip...in support of your decision....I found it helpful to write the reasons that it is necessary to leave on a card...the very worst things that have h appened and carry it at al times. In times of weakness...read the card....
LOL....my card was tear stained and worn on the edges...but, it sure did help to keep my head in charge of my "heart"......

dandylion

Knowledge is power. The more you can educate yourself about addiction and codependency, the more tools you have to think in a logical perspective. You don't have the power to change someone else but you have the power to make your own decisions and to provide your daughter with a healthier family structure.

I've seen addicts whom lost custody of their children, who'd rather pick the life of prostitution on the worst streets in town than go home to their upper class family. I've talked to addicts who were revived from death only to go back to using the very next day. Addicts who are on their 6th stint in rehab and families who are in extreme debt due to this. Addiction has a hugely powerful hold and there is no way someone else is capable of pulling them out of it. An Trip to the hospital for stitches may not be his rock bottom yet. But his trip to the hospital can be YOUR rock bottom. No more raising down the bar!

FT,
I am so sorry. You need to protect yourself and your child with what ever it takes.

Don't be like me and sit and watch your addict destroy himself and take you and your family along for the ride for 34 years. It never gets any better, only worse.

I know it all seems scary, daunting, uncertain, and endless but you CAN do this. In order for you to be the best mother you can be you need to be healthy mentally and physically- both of which are impossible when living with an active addict or alcoholic.

The fact that on a "normal" night he was so out of it that he fell and cracked his head open shows that he is in really deep. Do you want to live always waiting for what might happen next? Great job reaching out to your family. The more support you have the easier it will be. You can supply your daughter with a normal life and allow her to grow up in a healthy environment. I know that is what you want for her. It might to picture what you want your future to be like and then try to picture what it will be like if you stay (and make sure you are honest with yourself and don't picture the version where he is in recovery and everything is a fairy tale-instead picture the nitty gritty). It can also help if you list out what the pros and cons are of staying and then the pros and cons of leave and I think the pros of leaving will speak for themselves.

Thank you everyone for your support and words. I think writing out a list of why I'm doing this and pros for making this change will help me a lot.

I was wondering if anyone has a similar experience with their alcoholic as my AH, as in that admits he is an alcoholic, he truly means it when he says he won't drink again (until he picks up his next drink), he hides the drinks he does have because I think he really thinks "that was one slip up, no more" but he keeps doing it. He WANTS this to end, but he it is too hard for him to fight. I read so many stories wives leaving when their AH won't admit there is a problem or flat out say they won't or don't want to stop. Because I see the pain of the struggle he's going through, it does make it so much harder for me to turn my back. It feels cold sometimes evenot though I know it's what I have to do.

When my drinking addiction was active, I was EXACTLY like this. I knew and admitted I was an alcoholic and was desperate to stop. I would swear to myself that I wouldn't drink that day, and yet a few hours later. I did. I hated myself for it.

I was stuck in this cycle for ages. It was horrible. Soul destroying. Somehow eventually I managed to get my quit to stick and I haven't looked back. That was six years ago. At the time I never thought I would be able to get free of the chains of daily drinking.

From what I hear from other A's, this is very common. We know we are A's and we want to stop but we can't.

Hope this helps.

FutureTrip.....I understand that you are a compassionate person.
You say that you feel that it is "cold" to leave the situation.....you are concerned for him....
Ask yourself this:...How cold is it for you to put YOURSELF through this. You have described it as being put "through emotional hell"....
How cold is it to raise your child in a home with alcoholism..during these tender, formative years. If you don't think that she is absorbing all of this...you would be wrong about that....they are emotional sponges....lol...
How cold is it to continue to allow him to be enabled.....you are, even if you aren't aware of it.....

Sometimes, leaving the situation is the most compassionate and loving thing that you can do.....

If your staying hasn't motivated him to stop...your staying sure won't....

dandylion

FutureTrip.....I am sorry...that last sentence in my post is very awkward and unclear....and, it is too late to change it!!

I meant to say---If your staying hasn't motivated him to get sober, so far...staying LONGER isn't going to, either......

One of my favorite lines on SR.

If you leave and he changes, good for you. If you leave and he doesn't change, good for you

Sending hugs my friend, keep asking questions and educating yourself about addiction.

This is me on the Codie side of things. I know I need to detach. I know I shouldn't go out to the garage, shouldn't check his phone messages, shouldn't check the spare bed to see if he made it home...but I do.

FT, this is many cases. My ex was addicted to gambling. There were countless of occasions where he blew his pay check in one night, cried, vowed he won't do it again, stays "good" for a month, and then boom the whole cycle continues again. I left 9 years ago and to no surprise, you can still find him at the local casinos every pay check Friday's.

My Husband is an alcoholic. He fully admits he is an alcoholic. A couple years ago he quit cold turkey, was sober for a few months. Then boom, one sip of beer leads him back at square one. Drank for the next couple years until 2 months ago where he checked into rehab. At first he was hesitant to go to rehab and thought he can just quit on his own and that he can muster up the strength to quit "cold turkey" again and he certainly meant well saying that, but without knowledge and understanding about the disease you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Has your husband bothered to educate himself on addiction? Gone to any support group meetings? This would certainly be a good first step, but, of course it needs to be up to him and not you. Or he may be like most addicts that know they have a problem, wants to be left alone to control their own addiction the way they want to, end of story. The fact that he is hiding booze from you is proof that he wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to hear the negative consequences that he knows will come from you finding out.

Ditto. I know I should bite my tongue and not say anything when he cracked open a beer. I know I shouldn't question him about his plans for the future and steps towards his sobriety. I know I shouldn't give him death stares when he opens up the fridge to grab a beer. Sometimes I manage to let things slide for a week. But I get the itch and the itch becomes too much that I unfortunately succumb to blurting out "how many beers did you have today?". Then I feel foolish because deep down I know that this doesn't change a thing, that I only caused more friction and drama. The cycle repeats.

Hi FT... I am about a month ahead of you. Same story. My XABF, whom I finally left on June 1st, is an almost exact reflection of my situation. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, but I know in my brain that it was the right one. I am still convincing my heart what my brain already knows. I am right there with you. I don't regret leaving, but it doesn't mean that I am not in an extreme amount of pain, emotionally. Please read my backstory and you will be able to see how similar our situation is. We will be here to support you! Lots of hugs.......

Hi FT,
I think your AHs cycle of wanting to quit and drinking again is common. Read the newcomers thread on the alcoholics' board. It was eye-opening for me.

Hi FT. I am in this situation. About 3.5 years ago, my STBXAH finally admitted he had a drinking problem. We've seen a few different counselors together, and he's gone to AA off and on. Well, about a year ago, he admitted to me that when he initially told me he had a problem, he wasn't really committed to quitting. However, this time he was. And actually, he immersed himself and was posting here on SR, reading books, going to AA. After about 1.5 months, he relapsed. Once that happened, I noticed he stopped posting on SR, stopped reading his books and although he attended AA, he never got a sponsor or worked the steps. He would go about a month or month and half with no drinking, then drink again. He finally got a DUI at the end of January and that's when I had to follow through and divorce him.

Once he knew I was serious about the divorce, the blame and denial started. If I hadn't been trying to control his drinking all these years, he probably wouldn't even have a problem (according to him.) We've been living apart for about 2 months now and he's freely told me that he's drinking.

Maybe he never really believed he had a problem? Maybe he was just doing whatever he could to keep our marriage together, even if that meant saying he was an alcoholic. Either way, it doesn't matter what he SAYS. My therapist made me understand that I need to be a behaviorist. So what if your husband tells you he's an alcoholic? All that matters is his actions.

I commend you for taking this huge, scary step. Believe me, it gets better. I am just now starting to feel happiness for the first time in 13 years (the length of my relationship with STBXAH.) Keep posting and know you are doing the best thing you could do for you and your child.

Well, he's put me in a much tougher situation than just getting to the point of finally sticking to my guns and telling him he needs to move out.

He told me tonight he is refusing to move out. He asked to stay with a friend and that isn't going to work and he can't afford a place to live on his income, which is absolutely the case. So he's decided he's not moving, that this is his home too, we will work together to insure our daughter is not put in harms way, that he will tell me if he drinks (ha!) and he'll start going to meetings. And I'm the unreasonable one for even asking him to move out. I'm making things harder than they need to be, he says.

I am at a complete loss. It took me so long to commit to asking him to leave. I don't have it in me right now to go the divorce route. I just need time to ******* think! I'm so stressed out, trying to manage this chaos, my full time job, my daughter, no family within hundreds of miles to lean on except for the phone calls that are never ending. I don't want this to get nasty, I just need space to breathe for awhile. He's forcing my hand into something I don't want/can't deal with right now.

I don't even know what to do. I can't even call my family to discuss because they will just tell me to call a lawyer immediately, to take another leave of absence from work (which is not an option), to quit and move back to another state (which is not an option given custody) and they will get so exasperated with the fact that I don't want to do any of that. All I want is for him to move out and to get a little peace.

As far as me moving out, he can't come close to affording our rent on his own, I'd be packing up me and my daughter and then lose our apartment that we've lived in for 11 years. It would be easier to just go through a divorce. The nastiness would end up the same.

I have no ******* clue what to do.

Maybe you haven't read this before, I had not until a few weeks ago....

Adult Children of Alcoholics

(the flip side is recovery)

Maybe this will help you in your window of clarity. It is indeed
a very difficult thing for a child growing up in an alcoholic home.

FutureTrip....do you know if legal separation is possible in your state?......
I've heard of situations where the person who is caring for the children is allowed to stay in the house with the children as a part of the separation agreement.
separation is not a divorce......

dandylion

Ahh Future, that sounds really tough. Specially after you managed to muster the strength to ask him to leave. Kudos for doing that.

I suppose now you need to figure out the next-right-action whatever that is.

Keep posting and let us know how you are and we will provide all the electronic help possible.