Would you marry an alcoholic?
 

I am engaged to an alcoholic. He gets alcohol withdrawal seizures. We have been together for 2 years now. He has been an alcoholic for 7.

3 months ago, I quit on our relationship and moved out. Since then, he has tried quitting multiple times and failed and have had 2 seizures.
Getting over him has been exhausting and so I decided to give him another chance. He has bought a breathalyzer and he texts me his test result every 6-8 hours or whenever I ask. He said he will go to therapy again and also take medications if that will increase our chances to get back together. I am scared of going back to him. But I am also terrified of being away from him because I love him. Would you marry an alcoholic?

No. Well, that's not fair bc I did marry an alcoholic-however, that doesn't matter. I'm wondering what about this life of you receiving breathalyzer results like you're a probation officer entices you?!? This seems more like a codependent can't live without you mess rather than a real honest relationship. He's seizing without alcohol...this person can't even take care of himself, let alone you...

Read up, check out the stickies, etc....simple answer, NO!

Your fiance is in advanced alcoholism, which means the odds of solid recovery are not good. If it were me, I would not marry him and definitely make certain not have a child with him. Too often addicts subconsciously use formal obligations as a way to keep their enabler trapped in the relationship and make it safer to relapse.

If you want to keep trying with him, just don't make it legal so it will be easier to leave.

I'm sorry...these are harsh words but they're based on sad experience, both of mine and that of a lot of other people.

My ex also had withdrawal seizures-he is advanced in his alcoholism as well. And my words came from my heart and from my experience marrying and divorcing an A. Had I known then what I know now, I never would have made the same decision.

Hell to the no...not again.

Been down that road, married, and divorced, an alcoholic. Misery, simple misery.

^ hopeful, you captured the correct intensity in your post :) hell to the NO!

My answer.....NO. If you have any other questions, I will happily try to answer them.....really.....

dandylion

Sounds like the offer on the table is to be a prison warden, police officer, nurse and mommy, rather than a spouse. This JOB doesn't pay enough.

No way.

He he, red-that's what my ex wanted me to be . Not enough money in the world!

Thank you so much for the responses.
The issue is, I feel extremely guilty about abandoning him, I feel like if Alcoholism is a disease, just like cancer is a disease, is it fair for me to abandon him just because this is out of his control.
Another issue is that I was the one who suggested breathalyzer and that if he succeeds, I will give him another chance...If I back off now, he will never be motivated to quit ever again.
I greatly appreciate the advice.

God Bless You all

No way! :scorebad

You have nothing to do with his "motivation" to quit. He'll quit when the pain of drinking outweighs the pain of getting sober. Don't let him guilt-trip you into staying.

Oh man, do I ever understand what you are going through. Seizures, breathalyzers, promises. I am just on the other side, having left my husband about 6 months ago. It was a long, grueling process. Now we share kids together and I get to second guess his attempts at sobriety from afar. Not fun. But so much better than being entangled in that mess. Yes, it can feel terrible to walk away from so much past and so much potential. But when the present speaks so loudly and clearly, I really couldn't ignore it any longer. And to answer your question, No, I would never knowingly get into a relationship with an alcoholic ever again. It's too much of a beast.

HopingforCure.....I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"......it is a sort of "bible" in these parts. I think a lot will resound for you....
You can get it at the library or a cheap used copy on amazon.com......

No, alcoholism is NOT like cancer......

You do not have the ability to get him to quit drinking..

3 C's. You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and, you can't Control it......

Love, alone, is not enough. If it were...there wouldn't be a forum of loved ones like us!!

If he is doing this to "get you back".....guess what....as soon as he is confident that you are back in the bag.....it will all resume, again......

I hope that you will keep reading and learning......
Knowledge is power

dandylion

"I love you, now go away."
This is what he will demonstrate to you for the rest of his life.
They slowly go away while being present. The end result, is that you end up alone with another body to clean up after.
It is easier to just STAY alone to begin with.

Hello HopingforCure,

Welcome to SR! I am sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you have found us. You will find a great deal of support here...for you!

Although I know this is not what you want to hear, but no, I would not marry the alcoholic you are describing. If he had a solid recovery program and had been sober for a number of years without any slips...if he was humble, transparent in all his activities, and was rigorously honest about his current and past situation, then maybe yes.

This is a decision you have to make for yourself. I hope before you do, you will take some time and educate yourself more about the disease that is alcoholism. If your boyfriend decides for himself that he wants to be sober, that's great! But right now he is just at the very beginning of a lifetime of work.

Sending many hugs and prayers as you struggle to make the best decision for yourself.

Hi, Hoping, nice to see you here.

I see you have a chosen the screen name "HopingForCure." I just want to say, there is no "cure" for addiction. There is only recovery, and recovery is a lifetime commitment.

It is very tempting to buy into the belief that you have some power over the alcoholic and whether or not they choose to pursue recovery. Many of us here have learned the hard way that there are no magic words, magic actions, or shining examples we can set to make someone change who is not ready to change. Harder still, many of us have wasted years and years of our lives proving it all over again.

You cannot abandon a functional adult. Alcoholism isn't like cancer; cancer patients don't go to the store to buy more cancer. There are unlimited resources out there for addicts who wish to recover.

Please hang around and read some of the other threads and stories of those who have loved addicted people.

If he had cancer, would he refuse to do the things that could cure him? Or just do them halfheartedly if you threatened to leave?

Just please don't marry him until he's gone to rehab and been sober a year. He's beyond the stage of half measures.

please don't set yourself up as "bait" to get the alcoholic to straighten up. you are worth more than that. his problem, his disease, far exceeds anything you could say or do to make him quit. alcoholism is NOTHING like cancer, or diabetes. it is a disease that is put into FULL remission of the addict does just ONE thing......never ever drink again.

you did not abandon him. you moved out of the way, so he could deal with his own problems head on. his addiction has been around a lot longer than you have.

let's see how he's doing a year from now. by then he should have at least 365 days of consistent sobriety. that would be a good marker for how committed he is to resolving his problem.

No, never ever ever ever again. It is like being married to a man who will never be yours because he loves someone else. It is like there are three of you in marriage.

No. I would hope I would never make that same mistake again.

I am trying to disentangle my heart from that now...in a horrible wishy-washy way. I made steps this time to attempt a financial separation at least.

I did once and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Would I do it again? No. I would rather hold my head high and march straight into hell.

In regard to your original post, I ended up marrying an alcoholic and things failed spectacularly. There is no way I would even consider being in a relationship with a drinker. No amount of companionship is worth the pain and loss of serenity that comes with alcoholism.

The guilt that you might feel for 'abandoning' him pales in comparison to the emotional anguish that will build up over time with an active alcoholic. And if he gets the shakes, like somebody else mentioned, his alcoholism has a firm grasp on him and will be in pure, aggressive survival mode. Don't be surprised by hidden drinking, accusations that you're the reason he drinks, lies, and/or adultery.

No.

How about: To h&ll with the guilt, run away and never look back.

I love this! My mom is a cancer patient so I know the difference between her and xabf.

As for the initial question: NO.

When I first got here (re my then abf) I was told Run like your hair is on fire! That was the best advice I could´ve received, I´m so happy I listened to it.

Hi Hoping,
I can see the conundrum you're in since you suggested the breathalyzer and he's following through on it, which is positive.
However, in addition to what others are saying above, in my experience staying with an active alcoholic allows the person to continue with the status quo. In other words, it might seem like we're being helpful and supportive to someone who is ill, but what many of us find is that our presence in various ways enables them to continue drinking.

If you don't want to to give up on him, what about proposing that he go for a certain very long period of time sober and then give you a call? He could even establish a record of his sobriety, using something like Soberlink, to show you that he's serious and recovering. But I agree with others in not setting yourself up as the sobriety police.

That said, better for you is to cut bait before you're any more enmeshed with someone who is sick and doesn't seem to be fully committed to recovery.

Hoping,

I am going to join the chorus of voices saying NO!!! I am currently in the process of leaving my AH after 16 years. I have heard every promise that there is over and over again. You may hope he is different then all our experiences but chances are he is not. Please please keep reading as others have suggested the stickies at the top of the page. Also keep posting. Most of us have been where you are now and wish we would have RAN far away!

I did and I shouldn't have.

I would urge you to walk away.

No no no! There's nothing I can add. I also know that you won't take any advice until you're ready. You asked a question and when you didn't get the response you want, you added information to maybe alter our responses. You know...it's a disease...the breathalyzer was my idea....The good news is that you are asking. I will repeat what someone else said. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN! (emphasis mine)! Any children you may have someday deserve at least the prospect of a healthy home.

You cannot control, manage, or induce sobriety. many ave tried using tools like a breathalyzer or medications to get them sober. These are tools that "Might" be useful (Useful only, on their own it wont work) 't someone who has committed to a program. Your SO has not committed to a program, he is agreeing to whatever you ask him to do so that you will remain with him.

I understand you intentions. Its hard to accept when you are a codependent that you cannot MAKE anyone do anything, least of all get sober.

Alcoholism is a disease, but the comparison to cancer or other diseases is not accurate. Like most disease there is an opportunity to heal it, or manage it. The problem here is he is not choosing "chemo" so to speak. A breathalyzer is not a recovery program. Additionally, you have to look at the whole of the disease if you are going to make an accurate comparison. Alcoholism, as part of the disease process, causes significant emotional pain and stress to the family a friends that get close to it. It causes financial instability, loss of jobs, loss of friends, legal issues. It rapes lives. That is part of it. My husband is a diabetic. He manages it with his diet and insulin. I forget he has it. You won't forget your SO has alcoholism because you will be quagmired deep in all his problems which will create your own.

To say that if you "back off now" he will never be motivated . Do you have THAT much control over him? The truth is he isn't motivated to quit at all, and your breathalyzer idea is enabling. If you want to motivate anyone you let them feel the repercussions of their choices. You don't come up with an idea for them to solve their problems. He is motivated to keep his codie enabler. Sorry, but that's the truth. Motivated would be going to AA, or an outpatient or inpatient facility.

You worry a lot about him, so much so you are here asking a question you already know the answer to. You know this would be a huge mistake. You are so busy looking out for him and his well being you aren't looking out for yourself.

A 5th grader would tell you not to marry an out of control alcoholic, or date one. I know its hard, I know you care and love him, I know you want him to get sober. The crux of the problem is you want more for him than he wants for himself. NOT-GONNA-WORK