WIfe in recovery
 

Hello to the forum. My first post.

I just finished a rather long "my story" type post. Evidently I took to long, and it vanished when I tried to post. Aggravating, but I should have known better. I have posted on forums in the past. :headbange

So, this time I think I'll just hit some highlights.

AW: 10 years heavy drinking.
Nine months ago: Drastic weight loss begins.
Four months ago: I drag her to hospital, barely able to walk and disoriented.
Four days in hospital: Treatment for Wernicke's begins
Eight days in hospital: We are released to go home. In-patient rehab recommended, but she refuses.

When we went home, she could not walk without assistance. Her memory was severely impaired. After a month I was able to get her a cognitive function test. The results were possible Korsakoff's Syndrome. We have a follow up with a neurologist in May.

She has been seeing a counselor specializing in recovery, but refuses to go to AA.

She is now four months sober, has gained over 20 pounds, and her memory is greatly improved. She is now able to drive again.

I believe she is not serious about recovery. I believe she thinks that it will be ok to drink again someday.

I'm miserable, and want out.
We've been married 25 years.

Hi Kenny - man, i am so sorry you had to type that up twice......once is cathartic, twice is just plain ole painful.

It's totally OK to want out AND it's totally OK to GET out. we don't know what effect, if any, a move like that might have on your AW, but we DO know that you have suffered a long long, long long time and the end of your rope is frayed and thin.

i am relieved that your AW has improved, in health and cognition - that can make the next steps you MIGHT take easier.

please take time to read around, especially the stickies at the top of each forum, they are chock full of dynamite information.

:welcome

Thanks for sharing, Kenny.

This. Listen to yourself. You seem to have the 20,000 foot view of your situation. You are important, your needs are important, and your life is important. Life is short, and it's up to you to make yours a great one! Sending you strength, support, and so much empathy.

I'm so sorry Kenny. I just went through a similar situation with my wife of 17 years. 8 years of heavy drinking, recent weight loss, fell and injured herself and was treated for wet brain. Still in a physical rehab facility, hopefully will recover.

I did all I could do, but in the end I had to do what's right for me. I wasn't the missing key to her achieving sobriety. And sometimes our leaving is the impetus for them getting better. But regardless how she does, you deserve to be happy.

Kenny---if you are miserable and want out.....may I ask what is holding you back?
How can we help you?

dandylion

Kenny,
Welcome to SR!! There is a lot of good information on this forum. I can see that you are at your witts end with your alcoholic wife. I stayed with my AXH for 34 years and finally couldn't take it any longer. It took me about a year of 2 times a week open AA meetings, 2 times a week alanon meetings and nightly SR to get some what healthy. I educated myself about this horrible disease. All the support I received gave me the strength to do what I had to do.

You are on no time frame to make the decision to leave. Actually, Alanon doesn't recommend you to make any major decision for 6 months. Read around SR, there is the new to recovery forum, alcoholic forum and of course friends and family plus the alanon meetings. Once you have a grasp of what has been going on in your life you will be able to make the right decision for you.

Hugs my friend, you have reached out to get some help, and we are here for you!!

I nearly left 5 years ago. I think the only reason I stayed was because I didn't think she would be able to take care of herself. I would support her financial of course, but she will overspend. In our 25 years together, she has hidden credit card debt from me numerous times. The last time ending with her recent hospitalization. I had to go through her mail, since she was basically an invalid. She had $16000 in debt I was unaware of. Of course I was also worried about her well being. I felt that leaving would cause her drinking to get even more out of control.

It seems that it did anyway.

Now with her weakened and most likely disabled condition, these same worries seem even more important. I understand now that I need to take care of my own needs, but it's hard.

I know I have to figure this out on my own, but a appreciate having the opportunity to vent here. I am reading a lot of good information on this site, and trying to let it all soak in. Perhaps time will bring clarity.

It will, and so will having some knowledge. I'd suggest you make an appointment with a lawyer as soon as possible, just so you can protect yourself financially/legally until you are ready to make a decision.

Our collective experience (not to mention your own) suggests that whatever you do/don't do will have relatively little, if any, impact on what she does. It's entirely in her hands, and you both have a right to pursue the kind of life you want. If she wants to drink herself to death, that's her right.

I left my second husband (VERY brief marriage) when he went back to drinking after a near-death alcohol-related experience. I'd been through the drill once and I was NOT going through it a second time. Somehow he is still alive almost 20 years later--I have no idea how, since he is still drinking. But I'm grateful beyond words that I left when I did, because I might not have survived it with my sanity intact.

Kenny it's often the women in this forum who are left with their partner's debt because the men traditionally handle the money but, male or female, it can be disastrous. I second Lexie's suggestion that you seek legal advice to see where you stand, as you may be responsible for a debt you didn't incur, and knew nothing about. This is important if you're thinking of leaving, even in the medium term, because she might comfort herself with a spending binge.

Legal advice gives you the basis for a plan. You don't have to walk out the door tomorrow, in fact that might be the worst thing to do, but you can lay down a plan to protect yourself from unintended consequences.

It's possible your AW had always counted on you to be a back stop no matter how bad she gets. You fear that she won't be able to look after herself with you gone, but what incentive has she ever had to try? Just pointing out that it can go both ways with As, and having to rely on themselves can be the shock they need to recover.

kenny, have you considered that your continued financial support and bail outs MIGHT be contributing to the problem? she can pretty much do whatever she wants and you clean up the mess.

no one is suggesting you completely abandon someone who is in a diminished mental/physical state - however this shouldn't be a life sentence for you either!

Our marriage lasted 25 yrs, however,
I was the one in the marriage with
alcohol addiction, entered recovery
thru a family intervention at about
8 yrs marriage.

I have continued on with my recovery
life exiting the marriage peacefully.

My husband didn't have an addiction
problem so our marriage suffered due
to lack of understanding and communication
on both sides. He was a good husband,
supportive, a good dad to our 2 kids.

I often felt sad and bad that he was
the calm in all my storms of life. I also
felt like he was the angel to put up with
me for all our yrs together.

We were not perfect, just human.

He didn't want to end the marriage
yet I had a gut feeling neither one of
us were exactly happy in the marriage
anymore. Something needed to happen
for me to set him free and allow him to
have as much as me and achieve some
happiness in our lives.

Thru my recovery program, doing all
that I needed to do to try and move
forward, my prayers were answered
and thus found a way to leave and
return to my hometown with a new
job. That became my golden ticket out
of the marriage and my husband didn't
stop me yet support me and helped me
move safely.

We both have moved on in our lives,
both remarried, no communication
tho.

I am in my 7th yr marriage with 25
yrs sobriety living a healthy, happy ,
honest life all to the best of my human
ability.

We shouldn't have to suffer in our
lives, marriages, jobs, etc. If you
have done all that you can to save
your marriage and there is still no
hope, then leaving wouldn't be wrong.

You wouldn't want to leave saying
later on in life, you could have saved
it if the 2 of you had done more to make
it work.

Take care of you leaving no stone unturned
and find happiness in your life once again. :)

Man, your situation just sounds so unfair and imbalanced with you carrying most of the weight. You know, we can carry a lot of weight for and long before it starts to break our backs and then we can reach a breaking point. You've got to take care of yourself and you have needs that have gone unmet and neglected for-how long now? I understand how you feel worried about her and it sounds like there is major GUILT waiting at your door to be let in if you leave her. We can't tell you to get out of your marriage; only you can make that decision. But you can come here and vent or whatever it is you need to do. Guilt is a heavy burden to bear, m'friend.

Welcome Kenny; I am so very glad you found us. Please post keep posting, reading and getting all the support you can.

Most of us have been in a similar situation and found it excruciating.

Thank you to everyone. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that it is nice to come here and find people that understand this weight around my neck. I've been doing a lot of reading here, and doing a lot of soul searching. My counselor has suggested that I must find a way to have my needs met. If this marriage is not healthy for me, I really should go my own way. However, I must be satisfied that I gave it my all, or I may have never ending guilt and regret. I am supposed to be coming up with a list of "cards that I have yet to play", and a description of a life / life partner that would meet my needs and expectations. I have ideas for the ideal partner and lifestyle, but am really struggling with the other part. The problem most likely is that I just don't believe things can ever improve to an equitable point. I feel like anything I do is just wasted effort. I suppose I need to get a grip on that. I really don't feel any major decisions can be made until more time has passed, and we determine the long term outlook for her condition. Hopefully the appointment with the neurologist next month will bring some answers. If she is diagnosed with WKS, I will start the process of filing for disability for her. If the claim is approved, I have learned she would also be eligible for medicare. These determinations obviously impact my alimony obligations.

The waiting game is going to be very hard for me.

If she falls off the wagon in the mean time, I don't know if I will be able to wait for those results to materialize. I don't think I can handle that anymore.

I expect her to fall off the wagon...

In terms of "cards left to play," if you mean trying to do something that you, personally, can do to get her to change, I think there aren't any. There aren't even if you hadn't stayed with her all these years and done everything you can think of. You aren't overlooking some magical THING that would make a difference.

In terms of being a decent and loving husband, it sounds like you have been. That you resign from the job of watching her destroy herself doesn't mean you have done anything unreasonable, unfair, or cruel. YOUR life and happiness count, too. Hers is (and has been) in her hands. Yours is in yours.

Hello Kenny,

Your story reminded me of Woodman123.

Here is a link to one of his posts. You can click on his name and read through his threads.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-guilt.html

Peace.

Sweet Woodman's story. I wonder how he's doing. There is an example of an A with truly NO rock bottom and a man who chose to live HIS life. And being a compassionate, unselfish human being, was left with the guilt she died from her alcoholism alone (instead of in a house with her children and husband). She wouldn't have stopped drinking if he let her come home. The only thing that would accomplish is her continuing on all cozy in her old ways and Woodman continuing to be miserable. Good idea bringing Woodman's story to Kenny.

Refiner....last I heard from Woodman....he was progressing nicely...continuing to heal and going on with his life.....getting good support from his children.....

dandylion

Before, during and after I entered recovery
I have relied on my Faith, my Catholic teachings
and up bringing and even more so as my
Spiritual progress has strengthened each
day I remain sober and live my life in recovery.

I have always believed in a Power greater
than I, God of my understanding for guidance,
and strength to work thru many of life's
struggles. Even with my 25 yrs marriage.

As long as I turn to my HP- Higher Power
for help, He has always been there for
all my answers. Never do I ever have to
figure out anything by myself as long
as I have that Faith to guide me.

I worked my recovery program as
taught to me and turned to my HP
for the right answers.

In doing so, the fear of the unknown
has been kept quiet. Each and everything
that I have experienced thus so far
has been exactly as was and is meant
to be.

He Guided me home with a job and
a place to live until the man I am married
to today for 7 yrs was waiting for me.

His wife of 35 yrs passed away due to
illness and few yrs or so later, our paths
crossed as our HP united us together
as one.

As long as we both use our Faith and
recovery for our foundation in life,
then we will both be cared for.

We have been and we are, today. :)