Falling apart
 

Missed my flight, lost my drivers license, my mother is becoming angry with my despair, I just don't want to keep going. If it weren't for my daughter I probably wouldn't. To go through this twice in one lifetime is more than I can handle. I will never be the same person again.

Hopelessness and despair are such awful awful feelings. I can hear and feel them from this post and I can only imagine the dark pain you feel. For whatever it is worth, I am learning and working on mindfulness meditation and specifically trying to feel my pain, and then try to wrap it with as much love and affection and compassion as possible, and when I can't envision that love in myself, I try to envision the love of others wrapping my pain and holding it.. like all the wonderful amazing people on this site who have so much compassion for how you feel. So great, you can reach out and post here. And sounds like your daughter is incredible importance and value to you, and that is HUGE. Sending and wishing you to flow through this pain and it shall not be so heavy soon. even when it feels so consuming now.

how about you take the rest of today and try to unwind a bit? sorry your mom isn't being supportive right now.....might be best to not keep going to that well?

you will be fine....and yes you will be different. that doesn't have to be a BAD thing......to grow and change. do something nice for yourself....take a bath, put on jammies, have some comfort food..........

Unfortunately, I'm booked to attend and speak at a conference in Las Vegas. Just trying my best to remember who I was before all this happened.

it wasn't THAT long ago aly......about a year right? you are still very much YOU.....just a bit dinged up.

i'm off to vegas in two weeks for a conference myself. not speaking tho......yah, no thanks. can i ask what you are presenting??

You are right, just wish I could return the experience and not have had it. It wasn't worth the very little good that came with it. I'm trying to keep reminding myself that I AM worthy of real love and kindness.

Speaking about...here comes the boring part...how to form a new securities sponsor, in other words form a company to sell securities to raise equity to buy commercial assets. And I have to introduce the guy that produced the documentary FrackNation for a general session.

Thanks for your continued support. I've just never struggled this hard to get past a relationship. I've even started actively online dating to try and force myself out of this rut but that may be hurting my ego in the process and making things worse.

darling....don't do the online experience with dating. Just don't. That placed drips with danger and disappointment.
You have a lot going on for you---and you certainly have the ability to meet people.
Work on yourself, first....and, when the time is right....they will appear....have faith.

dandylion

Lol....in economics....I could get as far as understanding barter.....then, I got as lost as a little girl in the forest.....

My therapist keeps pushing match.com. She's convinced I just need to get back out there ASAP. Al anon friends say the opposite. Therapist is worried that I spent 5 years getting over the last relationship and doesn't want me to do that again. Personally, I AM SCARED TO DEATH to ever open up to anyone ever again.

Oh, and I stunk at economics too!

NO to starting to DATE right now!! that is not the solution. trust me.

Trust me, I cancelled the subscription after a week but it lasts til the end of the month. Right now I have so much anger I can't imagine trying to show anyone love except my closest family.

you gotta show ALY a lot of LOVE first.........give yourself the luxury of TIME........get strong in YOU.

Thanks Anvil, but the problem is right now I'm very angry at myself and hating myself for allowing this to happen. My anger is multi directional. I flipped someone off in traffic the other day and then I look over and there is a child in the passenger seat. I wanted to cry. So ashamed of myself and I'm stuck in the pit of misery. My poor daughter has seen me sob and that's not good. I'm trying, every day. Today was sparked by seeing the mom is following the trashy replacement on Instagram. That set me off. And the trashy girl looks like a hooker in her cover picture. I know I know, I need to stop looking.

stop looking, book yourself a nice dinner in Vegas and some spa time while you are there, and know that you are still you and this will pass.

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but it's true.
Hugs meanwhile :grouphug:

Sometimes relationships and events repeat themselves in our life so that we can learn the lesson. Keep telling yourself that this time will be different. Take the time you need for self reflection and show yourself some love and kindness. Time to forgive yourself. You did the best you could at the time, the relationship is in the past, but don't let it rob you of your future.
Maybe a break from social media too to kill the temptation to obsess over that which you have no control.
Today, take yourself by the hand, be your own bestfriend and take baby steps towards building the kind of life you want and being the person you want to be. Be patient, it will get better if you just keep on going.

Thank you. I finally made it to Vegas and it helps being somewhere different although this time last year I was here and he was calling me constantly because the relationship was new. The good ole days. I think I will always miss the good part of him, but for now I'm going to try to live in the moment instead of thinking about the past or future. Might only get me through a few hours and then have another valley but hopefully the valleys will become less deep and long soon. It's been a month now.

One time I got myself hooked into the claws of a sex addict. Addiction is addiction Aly, they are all the same though their dishes are different. My relationship mimicked the description of yours - we met and fireworks exploded. No more a perfect man for me had every existed. I found out about 2 or 3 months in what I was dealing with somewhat by accident. I believed him when he said I had CURED him. I believed everything he said while I sunk in the quicksand, and by the end of it a year and a half later he dumped me like I was a piece of trash on the floor of his car. By that time I didn't even resemble the person who met him, nor did he resemble the person who I fell in love with. I turned on myself for being a crying, whining, nag - weak. I looked for reasons to contact him, I obsessed over him, I cried endlessly, I called into work so I could sit at home and figure out how to get him back. I looked like hell. I didn't want to go anywhere unless it was with someone who was willing to talk about him and what he had done, and give me hope that our true love would conquer all (and they were becoming few people).

If I listed all the horrible things this man did or said my post would be 3 pages long. Yet I was willing to excuse the behavior to get back to the days when everything was wonderful, and he made me feel we would conquer the world. How sick is that and do you see that it is I who became the addict also? Do you see this behavior in yourself?

I did find out that he had his hooks in someone else (well, to be truthful there were many). She wasn't very attractive, and I obsessed over her and why he would be with her when he could be with me who was so much better. What I realized is that the person and whom they were with didn't really matter - he collected people similar to the way people collect shells on a beach. The natural progression of a relationship is for it to get deeper and more serious. At that point it would begin to hinder his addiction and the days were numbered. While he tried away to figure out how to keep me and continue screwing everything that moved, I was trying to figure out how to make him stop and end up with him.

I was with him for 18 months, 5 were good, 13 were horrific. Then I let him have 6 more of me while I cried and fell apart and he moved on as if I and "our love" had never existed. Guess what? Our love really never did exist. It was an obsession.

My healing began when I forgave myself for allowing him to treat me like dog sh!t on the bottom of his shoe. His actions were unforgivable, atrocious. And that was the man I wanted.......Really??? I wanted to marry him can you imagine? Saying I dodged a bullet really doesn't capture it. My advice is to start forgiving yourself for getting involved, ignoring red flags, accepting unacceptable behavior. You should of kicked him to the curb a myriad of times and you didn't. Its ok, you made a mistake. Next, start taking care of you. While you are there in Vegas don't sit in your hotel room lamenting over the alcoholic. Get out, go for a walk, Have a nice dinner, go to the spa. Go shopping, ride the ferris wheel, go see the fountain show at Bellagio. Stop handing over anymore of your life to this man. You will be surprised at how quickly the fog will lift when you put yourself first.

In all liklihood lurking below your Ex's addiction is a personality disorder or mental issue. Its very common. Likely there is much more here to deal with than you can imagine. As for the mother - you became close because you were her's sons savior and full time babysitter. The parents will generally always side with their kids, she is a classic enabler and codie and will most likely support ANYONE who is willing to step up and take the position of full-time handler (so SHE doesn't have to). She is a big part of the problem and in no way the solution, she was not your friend. had she been you would still be in contact and she would tell you to save yourself and forget her loser son.

You will get over this.

Hello Aly, so very sorry you are in such pain. Please, go easy on yourself. I expect nearly everyone on here has been in a relationship that started out awesome and ended up very, very hurtful.

I certainly was. It was a "soulmate" relationship. The sweet and passionate things he said absolutely melted me. Circumstance and distance prevented us from really being together for a time. However the time came when we *could've* been together and then he didn't want me. There was another woman. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I cried all day, every day for a long time.

My job kept me sane and I had family support, thank God. I was depressed to varying degrees for about two years.

Time heals, sweetheart, I know it's trite and a cliche but cliches exist because they are true. It's about 15 years since that guy broke my heart into a million pieces. I'm with a man who is at least a zillion times better.

My ex "soul mate" and I still have some sporadic, cordial contact. He would love to have me back. Ha ha ha ha ha! I wouldn't go back to him for a million bucks.

You'll get past this. You won't always feel so broken. I went to therapy because of that guy and although it took a couple of tries to find the right therapist, when I did he was very helpful. It's something to consider.

It'll get better! Much better.

Thanks to you all. Redatlanta, that's scary. I do believe my story is slightly different though and maybe I'm in denial but both my therapist and mother (who is a blunt no holds barred person) both believe he truly loved me and did his best to make a go of it, but just couldn't stave off the addiction. He kept telling me early on "I'm pushing you away because I know I'm starting to struggle and I need to protect you from me." Even in July he said "I'm protecting you and me from us." He also said early on that I needed to detach but then at times would beg me to please hang on. He was torn. He would wobble back and forth but often put his foot down and said he wanted to see me but that he couldn't cave in because he needed to protect me rather than think about what he wanted. This theme was until he really started spiraling fast and hard. That's when he turned mean. Before that he would just withdraw and come back every few weeks trying again. Finally in late July he made the bad turn. This was around the time his friendship started with the trashy girl according to mama bear. By mid August he was drinking all the time and he started calling me more and more. By September, he'd lost it all and became the threatening hostile nightmare. I don't "think" he's some bad person who was "collecting" me like a shell. Although don't get me wrong, I despise and almost hate him on some level at this point. I don't want him back, but like you I keep obsessing over whether the new girlfriend thing is true or not and if true why. My mind just wants understanding and closure. And my heart is suffering the most, from the betrayal. Not the loss, but the betrayal. The loss to the extent of the sweet guy I fell in love with who is no more. I don't think he or I have that "terminal uniqueness" that is mentioned in any sense. But, if you read posts from the other side (the A's forum), they aren't evil people (not saying you said that), and it's amazing how we are like two different nations at war with such different viewpoints and perspectives. Does that make sense or am I rambling? I do think that if he is seeing this girl it is different than my relationship with him because ours was born out of his fight to go clean and have a future and family with me. With this girl he is deep in the throes of his addiction and he's just clutching on because he's lost everything and she is all he can get now because I wouldn't help him. I expected him to face the consequences and solve it himself.

You are right about the mom though. She is a very SICK person, maybe more so than him. I have the biggest problem with her because she's not an alcoholic struggle with addiction. She just manipulated to manipulate and get what she wanted and she was in possession of all her faculties when doing so. I can say I HATE her for what she did and I hope she spends her retirement reaping karma rewards.

Thank you!!

Aly, this is true of nearly every addict. Both love & addiction can live in the same space, they just can't both flourish. We've ALL lived that, this is not unique, but thinking that it is will hold you back from healing.

Truth is you got involved with an active addict. It's like jumping into a swimming pool that doesn't have signs alerting you of the depth... and suddenly, at the worst moment, you realize it's much deeper than you could have imagined.


Quack, quack, quack, quack. It's just nonsense Aly, I'm sorry. It's a lot of misdirection but the truth is as simple as HE IS AN ACTIVE ADDICT.

Here's another truth - you don't really know him as well as you think you do. You know the addiction. You know what he was willing to show you. You know what you have assumed & pieced together based on his intentions & promises.

None of that is reality. I'm sorry you are struggling but you have got to stop focusing on him & all the questions none of us can answer because the answer to every question becomes, "because he's an active addict, protecting his addiction".

It really sounds like you'd be better off digging into the roots of your past betrayals so you can learn to avoid those types of relationships in the future. You were together for a year, with addiction running the show for at least half of that time. Is it really about him or about why you're so willing to go all-in with him so early, despite the repeated, literal warnings he was giving you? What is it that made YOU pursue this instead of deciding then that you deserved better? Just food for thought...

^^ YES!!!!! Every word. We have all thought the same thing!! Great words, FS.

Because I'm so tired of every guy being such a huge disappointment and when I finally met what I thought was a "good guy" I was unwilling to let that dream go. Still having a hard time facing it honestly. Every GD one is a freaking psycho or disappointment and I honestly give up. I want to make sense of it, but based on what you've said and even what the alcoholics have said on their forum is that their is no rationality and no answer which f***ing sucks quite honestly. I'm angry, resigned, frustrated and I feel SO let down. I'm tired of being disappointed. Yes, I need to figure out why I'm attracting these losers dressed in sheeps clothing of the outward appearance of success. God, I'm fed up.

And honestly I guess I need to accept that none of it matters because he is GONE and my dream is GONE. It's all just GONE.

Maybe "the outward appearance of success" is part of the problem.
Lots of so-called "successful" people have serious baggage.

It's like they put everything into public accolades and status to try and fill some hole in themselves.

They attract partners to be their accessory, to show the world
they have it all.

But really they don't have anything but a fancy facade and they are hurt and broken inside.

Success may mean a humble exterior but a wealthy heart,
overflowing with love and empathy.

I think those types are very much out there but often overlooked.

Who knows, right now I'm just trying to hold onto my sanity. I need to get through the pain, then I can work on myself.

Have faith Aly.
You aren't the first and won't be the last that experiences this kind of thing.
Not all guys are disappointments. There are lots of guys that feel that way about women but of course there are good and bad on both sides.
Let your feelings guide you. Love doesn't hurt. Simple as that.
Whether he loved you or not I'm not sure. Maybe to the capacity he could, but you are right, it doesn't really matter at this point in time because it won't change anything. People are complex, it is impossible to find the exact answers to everything we need. Sometimes they themselves don't even know. It is what it is but don't let it define you and don't give up on people.
That would be a real shame, because there are lots of loving kind non-addicted people out there to be found.
Have faith!

Hi Aly,

Here is my E,S and H.

Had a crazy "soulmate" too... fireworks, passion, looks, personality, charisma and charm, charm, charm. Could charm the birds from the trees and sell ice to eskimos. Oh there were red flags (sober but alcoholic history) but like you I was the "ONE" and of course, I believed that WE would be different.

That was 8 years ago and I finally had to save myself 4 years ago by letting him go to what I imagined would be his death by alcohol. He is a chronic relapser and is either doing great or is a jail, hospital or broke in the street but he continues to survive somehow despite his insane choices.

What I learned that helped me find my way out from my own addiction to him was knowledge that brought freedom... you see our obsessions and emotions are all driven by chemicals...brain chemicals. Our brains are not often our friend and our heart that part of us that "feels" is in our brain and by our thoughts we feed our "heart" in our brain.

What you think creates neural pathways which either change your emotions or entrench them deeper. We come what we think or imagine...so you must retrain your brain by controlling your thoughts and eventually day by day the thoughts become less often...the pain lessens and the day comes you don't think of him and that stretches into two...and on and on.

Plenty of information on this on the web... its the way out my dear.

I thought of this when I read your post because I had to block him 3 days ago and I REALIZED I had forgotten about his insane drunken call trying to get me send him money. I don't know if he is alive or dead and its probably 50/50 but I let him go to God and I am free from the obsession.

Lastly...my life is wonderful! Lots of great friends and a full life but deliberately not a man in my life. Not because I can't have one but I just don't want the hassle of a relationship... and that is the key to everything. If you are happy with yourself and being alone relationships don't become life and death as they often "feel" in a breakup. And most relationships break up without alcohol!

So... keep thinking good thoughts and immediately stop thinking about HIM when those thoughts come... get some new neural pathways grooving in your brain and you will be on your way.

I'm sure he loved me. In fact I know he did. However this forum wishes to break that down based on personal experience and heartbreak is individual to each person. Each individual is different and aren't widgets including the alcoholics. Yes, there may be similarities, but just that. Similarities. I think he is a huge jerk, don't get me wrong. But the "jerk" is the addiction not him. Unfortunately, "him" is gone and probably forever. Don't get me wrong I very much dislike him and abhor him for what he did to me. But my relationship with him meant something to both of us and wasn't a joke, but it became a casualty and maybe a joke once the addiction took over. It is what it is. It's amazing the huge void between this forum and the addict forums. I do appreciate the support but I'm going to do what al anon says and take what I like and leave the rest because we are not all widgets and identical. That doesn't mean I buy into the terminal uniqueness, it's just reality that life and people are complex.

Correction/clarification - he loved me to the extent he was able as an active addict.