some would say knowing someone for about a year is WAY too soon to decide to MARRY them? perhaps now you can see the wisdom of that caution?

have her come home and...........what? she is STILL drinking. she has no intention of NOT drinking. she's gonna spend your $$ as long as you are willing to put out the cash.

you could just pull the plug on the access to YOUR money. let her act like a grown up and figure this out without relying on someone else to fund her antics. she was managing BEFORE you met, she IS an adult, she has resources. she was drunk within hours of leaving rehab.

you are standing on the tracks trying to stop a runaway train. whose gonna win that battle?

You can tell the hotel that your credit card is good for room charges ONLY. No food, bar or phone calls.

You could tell your fiancé that you would pay for her to live at a sober living facility. If she drinks she will be politely asked to leave.

You could choose to pack up her stuff including car and keys and put them into storage and kindly give her the location and key to her unit. They all store cars so she can choose to drive off if she wants.

You could let her move back home but nothing changes if nothing changes. That will send her the message that she has your number.

I know you most likely are suffering, missing her, worrying about her. My mind would not be still, can't sleep, anxiety, crying jags and I felt sick inside. I lived that way for FOUR years! I get it... completely. When you love someone who is in crisis and is out of control we all are in panic mode.

You have to walk this out and you have to choose how you address the challenges of loving an alcoholic. Sometimes no matter how much logic and advice we get we HAVE to take the path that makes sense to us in our emotions and feelings. I was one of those people that HAD to try over and over again to "save" my A so we would live happily ever after.

The only thing I can say is that life is a series of choices we make every day and our choices determine our destiny. I remember an old sitcom where a Chinese guy wandered the West and would flashback to his sensei (spelling) and he would sagely tell him "Choose well Grasshopper"... and of course the good guy always chose well and he was an amazing hero every week.

Sadly life is not TV and the lives of those of us who didn't choose especially wisely in our mate have to trudge the trail of heartbreak loving an alcoholic... eventually the drama ends one way or the other.

Our stories are powerful and we simply share our experiences and let you know ...we get it... we care... we don't judge ... and we are always here when you want to come and share when the next shoe drops.

Prayers your way my grasshopper friend ... lots of hugs too.

You need to cancel your credit card or you are going to be in one hell of a financial mess. She pissed and she's drunk. I can just see her racking up the charges.

I'm so sorry..

In my state that license to drink and kill is not suspended, till the court date. Sorry I meant to say drink and drive.

I really do hope that we are here for you.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Anvil, she would never steal from me.


Famous Last Words!

Trust me. I let my x alcoholic drug addict get away with it twice!

She is going to do whatever she has to do, to whomever she has to do it to, to continue on with her addiction.

My heart breaks as I read your story. You think you can help and support her. So did I. Most of us on here learned the hard way that what I saw as love and support only enabled our loved one to continue their addiction. And the byproduct of that is that we spent lots of money and even more emotional energy on something that we could not control.

100% of me did not change 1% of him. I lost my sanity in the process. That's my story. I hope in some small way it helps you.

IHA - you were in the meetings with the attorney and at the Court hearing correct? Was she not advised of the status of her license and whether or not she can legally drive?

Hard spot to be in regarding the car. I think evident she WILL drink and drive. Legally speaking her property and her life. She is dependent on you financially. I think your muse has played you well - sorry friend - but you are being manipulated. Her attorney made it clear that if she shows up to Court drunk he will recuse, is he/she aware that your fiance has left Rehab? Most attorneys don't respond well when their clients bomb the case for them. I think I would try and hold off return of the keys until speaking with her attorney. There is no arguing the legality though - I feel the atty may advise not to give her the keys. Perhaps it would be best to consult your local police dept and ask them. While PD is not there to give legal advice they most likely will let you know if you can get in trouble by giving her the keys or not. I suspect the advice will be not to give her keys if she is inebriated otherwise you need to hand them over.

Sorry for what you are going through. Its really tough.

IHA--sorry for the pain you must be going through dealing with this.

I think another idea might be to send / take the keys to her parent's house and maybe move the car there?

She may hesitate to demand them from her parents more than she would you.

Fair warning that things may spiral down quickly now--take care of you.

Thinking of you today iHA... since she has to leave the hotel at some point. You asked about the car keys... so here's my input (for what it's worth). I would not "keep" nor "provide" the car keys to her. I would step out of her way if I were you. I would not provide $. I would not provide keys. If her name isn't on the condo, I would not provide her a place to live/drink. I would not accompany her to an attorney's meeting. I would not accompany her to court. This is her life, her downward spiral. I would step out of her way and not let her take you down with her. I know it's hard right now, but we're only thinking of YOU.

Let's keep in mind that if his condo is her legal residence, and I believe it is, IHA will have to evict her ( he can certainly ask her to leave and if she complies that works). He can find himself in some legal trouble otherwise. Additionally, not providing her keys or access to her property could also constitute some headaches for IHA above and beyond what he already has.

On a side note Refiner I agree with you on every point, and wish it was so easy to untangle, in the legal sense. Should be as easy as putting their stuff on the curb and waving bye, but its not.

I thought about this too. I was even thinking that her parents should figure out where she should live, but they may need to be setting up, or enforcing, boundaries as well. Still it might be your best option. You need to do whatever it takes to alleviate yourself of any responsibility for her choices.

Hopeworks suggested this yesterday:
You could choose to pack up her stuff including car and keys and put them into storage and kindly give her the location and key to her unit. They all store cars so she can choose to drive off if she wants.

I think its a good suggestion. Though I think I'd give the keys to her parents, or a friend. It is essential that you wash your hands of it.

I think, whether or not you end up together, right now would be a good time to separate. You need to let her grow up, and act like an adult. In other words you need to let her solve her own problems. If you don't her drinking will get worse, and your relationship will be doomed to fail.

Let's be clear. She was arrested for driving a school bus full of children drunk, was given the opportunity to go to rehab, left rehab within days to drink, and immediately wanted to drive drunk again! She is playing on nobody's team but her own. She certainly isn't playing on yours. You have suffered more from her bad choices than she has. This is not the way a healthy relationship works.

IHA, this is hard stuff, and I want you to know that I think you're doing great. Congratulations on holding true to your first boundary. You may need to tweak it a bit, but very few of us get this on the first try. It took me 23 year.

I posted at the same time as Red.

Yes, by all means make sure you're only do what you legally can.

I certainly wouldn't suggest "self help" in the form of putting her belongings in storage and changing the locks without legal advice. That could be considered harassment if she has a legal right to be there (which she may have, depending on the law of the jurisdiction, regardless of whether her name is on the deed/lease).

Talking to a lawyer is far cheaper than dealing with a legal mess resulting from taking the wrong actions in a situation like this.

Just wanted to throw in my support. I am sorry you are dealing with this tough situation.

Yeah, I found out that just by having a key to my condo, my ex could claim residency and there was nothing I could really do to prove otherwise since I did have him over frequently and he spent the night.

The police told me it was he said/she said since he had a key. He had used my address as his - even though he had another room in a house elsewhere. I did not know he used my address as his. I am the sole owner of the unit. All the bills were in my name. It was a mess. He had obviously played that card before and knew the game. I took a chance and changed the locks anyway, because I knew that he didn't have the balls or the money to hire an attorney to fight me. I also didn't have any of his belongings in my place. It was more about harassment for him since I had broken up with him. If he had been smart enough to find a free attorney I would have been up the creek and would have had to hire counsel.

No one gets a key ever again. I have not had anyone spend the night either.

Good point.

And I believe there could be issues if he were to pack up and leave as well.

Yeah. Talking to a lawyer first is the only smart choice.

Every state has different laws on residency and what normally happens is if someone insists they have been wrongfully removed from their home the law will ask neighbors if they saw this person "living" there. Secondly they will ask if there is a toothbrush in the bathroom for the person and their having keys is an indicator.

In my case, my XA would get lost if he binged and his binges were long downward spirals and there was never a legal issue raised.

Not knowing the state I can't say what the laws are but when 2 unmarried people cohabitate and they each have access to others belongings any movement, use, sale or even throwing away property would become a civil matter.

The protection of tenants and eviction is another matter and theoretically she could call the police and potentially force her way back into the condo I suppose ... and of course, this becomes a matter of record and most likely she will be drunk and out of control.

That should really help her case when the court becomes aware that she left rehab, relapsed and her roommate tried to separate from her bad behavior and choices and she refused to leave.

In my fantasy years of "saving the A" we would sign contracts where he would agree to all of my boundaries including no active drinking and he had to leave if he drank...etc, etc, etc. So I actually had some legal grounds to remove his stuff but as we all know promises made sober are not even acknowledged once drunk....so....

It was just another ride for me on the crazy train of addiction where I would "punish" and "control" the addict by packing his stuff muttering and crying the whole time. And every time I did that it took time and money out of my pocket but I can assure you it was a great relief once I came home and all of his stuff would be gone.

Actually, Hope, getting rid of someone's belongings COULD be considered harassment and the basis for a DV protective order. So beyond the issue of whether someone might be criminally charged (vs. being sued civilly) that's another potential consequence. Protective orders, though civil, carry some serious consequences such as restrictions on where you can go and what you can do or say, not to mention restrictions on firearm ownership, etc. Bottom line is I personally wouldn't do it without an objective opinion (and I AM a lawyer--who specializes in DV!). Kind of like a doctor not diagnosing herself or a family member.

As you noted the laws of each state are different so even the "in general" rules should be checked out with a lawyer who practices in the jurisdiction.

I had to laugh at the "is there a toothbrush there" comment.

I used to work at a DNA testing lab, and people would call wanting to test things like toothbrushes to see whose they were. LOL at my ex paying $800 for a DNA test to prove his toothbrush was left behind.

He was the one who wanted an installed ceiling lamp back. I wasn't inclined to give it to him. He said, "Any lawyer in the world would say it is mine and you have to give it back."

My answer, "Well, call an attorney for your $30 light."

So quacky.