AGF quit rehab
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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AGF quit rehab
Hi everyone. My fiance left rehab this morning and returned to our shared condo. She claimed that it was too stressful and she can stop on her own. I thought she'd finish at least for the court. I set a no alcohol in my condo rule. We will see how she does. Right now she's angry because the rehab through our her nerve medication.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Jarp, I'm trying not to worry about it but it's hard. I suppose I should set a boundary of not allowing her in the house if inebriated. The court's here seem real strict when to drunken driving. So I assume jail is a possibility.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
ihatealcohol- Do you think she understand the ramifications leaving rehab will have on her court case? Has she called her attorney to tell him/her? If she hasn't she may want to. If he/she is trying to make a deal based on the fact that she voluntarily went to rehab, and he finds out she left??? All that is lost but not telling him will be even worse because it won't allow him/her to make another deal.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
Ihatealcohol, I think you have been open minded and have learned a lot here. You have a better idea of what you're dealing with. No advice, but I hope it works out for you. I agree that jail is a real possibility now that she did not complete rehab. All you can do is take life one day at a time right now.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
It sounds like she doesn't think there will be any consequences from her DUI. 
I don't think the court will like it that she left rehab. Stressful or not, it's what she needed. I'm sorry she's getting in her own way.
She needs to tell her lawyer. This won't look very good, I'm afraid.
Be sure to stick to your boundaries. If she says she can get sober on her own, hold her to it.
I don't think the court will like it that she left rehab. Stressful or not, it's what she needed. I'm sorry she's getting in her own way.She needs to tell her lawyer. This won't look very good, I'm afraid.
Be sure to stick to your boundaries. If she says she can get sober on her own, hold her to it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
quits rehab because it is "too stressful" and then b!tches about the fact she doesn't have any pills.
strap in my friend. you are about to go on quite the ride. you might wanna tie down any hockables, cut off her access to funds. she just QUIT the best chance she had to get things turned around. this will NOT look good to the courts.
think of all the drama SHE brings to your life. all the insanity, chaos, disruption. think who has become the center of your universe.
strap in my friend. you are about to go on quite the ride. you might wanna tie down any hockables, cut off her access to funds. she just QUIT the best chance she had to get things turned around. this will NOT look good to the courts.
think of all the drama SHE brings to your life. all the insanity, chaos, disruption. think who has become the center of your universe.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am very sorry IHA you have been very supportive.
I suspect, having just watched the sentencing of an inebriated bus driver on the news here, that your fiance might be looking at some serious trouble. It would be to her best interest to show initiative to do something about this.
I hope she respects your boundaries.
I suspect, having just watched the sentencing of an inebriated bus driver on the news here, that your fiance might be looking at some serious trouble. It would be to her best interest to show initiative to do something about this.
I hope she respects your boundaries.
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Anvil, she would never steal from me. I intend to watch her like a hawk. I can easily tell if she's had even one drink. She is going to have a long road with the court's. And then, in our state, for her to get her regular license back, with the department of motor vehicles. Her license will be suspended at least one year. Her CDL license gone forever.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
You do have a long road ahead of you, and I do hope you are comfortable enough here, so that we can support you, and you have someone to talk to.
I always did have something to say about the watch that went missing. I have been admitted to hospital many times, (for cancer), but they always made sure that I had no valuables with me. Even for a simple x ray or cat scan, they tell you not to wear jewelry. I can't imagine a rehab letting her wear that watch during the admittance process. Were you there? Could she have hocked it, and then tried to blame the rehab?
Just letting you know, here for you and care about you.
amy
I always did have something to say about the watch that went missing. I have been admitted to hospital many times, (for cancer), but they always made sure that I had no valuables with me. Even for a simple x ray or cat scan, they tell you not to wear jewelry. I can't imagine a rehab letting her wear that watch during the admittance process. Were you there? Could she have hocked it, and then tried to blame the rehab?
Just letting you know, here for you and care about you.
amy
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi ihatea is she putting any pressure on you to pay for the resort style rehab? Be prepared for this happening as the reality of her court date starts to bite. I worry that you'll get into a commitment you can't really afford.
As for boundaries, certainly ask her to be sober around you, and if she breaks that call her a taxi.
As for boundaries, certainly ask her to be sober around you, and if she breaks that call her a taxi.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
"She would never steal from me. . . I'm going to watch her like a hawk"
Correct me if I'm wrong, weren't you surprised that she was spiking her coffee? Weren't you taken aback by the pills? What makes you think that you can watch her 24/7? MAYBE you should set a boundary that she can't come home drunk? Just saying that means that you already know you can't watch her all of the time and even if you could you can't control her and if she's dining, she's popping pills. She WILL get more. She is sick, has learned nothing, is self absorbed and if God is kind to her, heading for prison.
You are already in prison. You don't have to be. It's the only thing that you CAN control. Good luck
Correct me if I'm wrong, weren't you surprised that she was spiking her coffee? Weren't you taken aback by the pills? What makes you think that you can watch her 24/7? MAYBE you should set a boundary that she can't come home drunk? Just saying that means that you already know you can't watch her all of the time and even if you could you can't control her and if she's dining, she's popping pills. She WILL get more. She is sick, has learned nothing, is self absorbed and if God is kind to her, heading for prison.
You are already in prison. You don't have to be. It's the only thing that you CAN control. Good luck
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
When we married, my husband was an alcoholic, but still very functional. He had a good job as a computer programmer. We were renovating a house. We camped. We took ballroom dance classes. We attended reunions with our families, weddings of our friends. We planted a couple dozen tomato plants each spring and dried hundreds of quarts of tomatoes in the fall. We made maple syrup from our own trees. We took real vacations, to Nova Scotia and Washington D.C.
Over the years, as his drinking took over, we did less and less. When the company he worked for was taken over, his drinking increased. He knew he would eventually be out of work, but unlike most of his colleagues, he neither made plans to stay with the new company nor looked for a new job. He seemed to be counting on having some time for himself (to drink while collecting unemployment) and getting a new job would be easy. His unemployment was about to run out when he finally got another job, and it wasn't one he liked. We moved closer to the city, into a new house to renovate. Even closer to work, his attendance was becoming a problem. Some mornings he left for work at 8:30 and was home by 3:30, and it was about a twenty minute drive. He was on salary, and this didn't go over well. In addition to very short days, his reviews documented that while he was at work, he wasn't at his desk, so communication was a problem. After years of declining reviews, he was put on probation and a little over a year later, was fired.
He was still able to collect unemployment, though, and he did. He half-heartedly looked for jobs, but the economy was not great, and he liked drinking. He started withdrawing money from his 401K, because he drank more than his unemployment would finance. When he finally found a job, it was with a hardware store. It wasn't a bad fit: he had totally renovated one house and we were working on the second. It had been a long time since he had worked in retail, though. He was accustomed to the benefits and schedule and paid holidays a professional position offered. Now he was supervised more closely. He was required to work every other Saturday. Instead of being a salaried employee who took his lunch when he felt like it, now took it when told, and had to clock in and out. In spite of having every other Wednesday off, he scheduled appointments on other days. If he had a doctor's appointment at 10 a.m., he took the entire day off and spent it drinking. When the owner had to cut back, Husband was let go. It was not a “last hired-first fired” situation. He was unreliable.
Out of work for another few months, and he got a job in maintenance for a school. Now this former computer programmer was shoveling walks, patching drywall, and painting walls. There's nothing wrong with any of those things, but now he was even more closely supervised, and doing things he found very boring. The benefits were even fewer than the retail job. I was nervous. One of the side effects of chronic alcoholism is more and more bizarre needs in pornography to achieve satisfaction, and I had seen questionable porn on his computer. (very young adults made up to look like children, and pictures of children downloaded from the internet.)
He was terribly unhappy. His drinking had taken it's toll on his thought process. When he worked five days and got a paid holiday the same week, he never understood why he didn't get overtime. (We went over and over how he only worked 40 hours, but he still didn't get it.) His attendance became an issue, partly because he'd injured himself at home cutting up a tree while drunk and had to go to a wound clinic every week. They had to make cuts, and he was the one to be let go. Again, he was not the last hired.
In the last six years he was alive, he was fired from one job and "laid off" from two. I suspect there were serious issues in the last two jobs that he didn't tell me about.
Our home life deteriorated, too. With each job came lower pay, so renovations ground to a halt. He continued to withdraw money from various retirement accounts to fund his drinking. Something as simple as plumbing in a sink had to be done three times before it didn't leak. There were no trips away; in addition to having no money, any situation in which he wouldn't be able to drink was out of the question. When I was out of the house, he called other women, drunk, trying to talk to them. One of them was a woman barely twenty. Her family was distressed to have a man in his fifties calling their daughter when he was obviously drunk, and blocked his calls after that.
One would have thought a DUI would have been a wake-up call. His first was in 1985. It was a pain, and expensive. Of course when the auto insurance company found out about it, our insurance was cancelled and we paid a ton more after being shifted into the “assigned risk pool.” We still had an apartment in the city, though, and he could have walked to work. His second DUI came ten years later. I'm sure his Mom wondered why I was driving the weekend we had to drive to his Dad's funeral, but she didn't ask. Our commute was an hour long at that point. The first day I drove us to the city, he made a fuss about every move I made behind the wheel. I pulled the car over. I told him if he said One. More. Word. about my driving, he could find someone else to drive him. And even after that, there was one more time I got into the car with him, and I realized 50 feet down the road he was drunk. The thing about alcohol, and probably every other drug, is that one's body becomes habituated to it. Toward the end, I suspect he was drinking probably almost from the time he got up in the morning. He did have tremors in his hands in the morning.
So that was my 25 year marriage to an alcoholic. YMMV
In my state, the first DUI wins the driver a 48 hour stay in the county hotel. Showing up inebriated gets you a contempt of court charge, as well. Incredibly, that happens.
Over the years, as his drinking took over, we did less and less. When the company he worked for was taken over, his drinking increased. He knew he would eventually be out of work, but unlike most of his colleagues, he neither made plans to stay with the new company nor looked for a new job. He seemed to be counting on having some time for himself (to drink while collecting unemployment) and getting a new job would be easy. His unemployment was about to run out when he finally got another job, and it wasn't one he liked. We moved closer to the city, into a new house to renovate. Even closer to work, his attendance was becoming a problem. Some mornings he left for work at 8:30 and was home by 3:30, and it was about a twenty minute drive. He was on salary, and this didn't go over well. In addition to very short days, his reviews documented that while he was at work, he wasn't at his desk, so communication was a problem. After years of declining reviews, he was put on probation and a little over a year later, was fired.
He was still able to collect unemployment, though, and he did. He half-heartedly looked for jobs, but the economy was not great, and he liked drinking. He started withdrawing money from his 401K, because he drank more than his unemployment would finance. When he finally found a job, it was with a hardware store. It wasn't a bad fit: he had totally renovated one house and we were working on the second. It had been a long time since he had worked in retail, though. He was accustomed to the benefits and schedule and paid holidays a professional position offered. Now he was supervised more closely. He was required to work every other Saturday. Instead of being a salaried employee who took his lunch when he felt like it, now took it when told, and had to clock in and out. In spite of having every other Wednesday off, he scheduled appointments on other days. If he had a doctor's appointment at 10 a.m., he took the entire day off and spent it drinking. When the owner had to cut back, Husband was let go. It was not a “last hired-first fired” situation. He was unreliable.
Out of work for another few months, and he got a job in maintenance for a school. Now this former computer programmer was shoveling walks, patching drywall, and painting walls. There's nothing wrong with any of those things, but now he was even more closely supervised, and doing things he found very boring. The benefits were even fewer than the retail job. I was nervous. One of the side effects of chronic alcoholism is more and more bizarre needs in pornography to achieve satisfaction, and I had seen questionable porn on his computer. (very young adults made up to look like children, and pictures of children downloaded from the internet.)
He was terribly unhappy. His drinking had taken it's toll on his thought process. When he worked five days and got a paid holiday the same week, he never understood why he didn't get overtime. (We went over and over how he only worked 40 hours, but he still didn't get it.) His attendance became an issue, partly because he'd injured himself at home cutting up a tree while drunk and had to go to a wound clinic every week. They had to make cuts, and he was the one to be let go. Again, he was not the last hired.
In the last six years he was alive, he was fired from one job and "laid off" from two. I suspect there were serious issues in the last two jobs that he didn't tell me about.
Our home life deteriorated, too. With each job came lower pay, so renovations ground to a halt. He continued to withdraw money from various retirement accounts to fund his drinking. Something as simple as plumbing in a sink had to be done three times before it didn't leak. There were no trips away; in addition to having no money, any situation in which he wouldn't be able to drink was out of the question. When I was out of the house, he called other women, drunk, trying to talk to them. One of them was a woman barely twenty. Her family was distressed to have a man in his fifties calling their daughter when he was obviously drunk, and blocked his calls after that.
One would have thought a DUI would have been a wake-up call. His first was in 1985. It was a pain, and expensive. Of course when the auto insurance company found out about it, our insurance was cancelled and we paid a ton more after being shifted into the “assigned risk pool.” We still had an apartment in the city, though, and he could have walked to work. His second DUI came ten years later. I'm sure his Mom wondered why I was driving the weekend we had to drive to his Dad's funeral, but she didn't ask. Our commute was an hour long at that point. The first day I drove us to the city, he made a fuss about every move I made behind the wheel. I pulled the car over. I told him if he said One. More. Word. about my driving, he could find someone else to drive him. And even after that, there was one more time I got into the car with him, and I realized 50 feet down the road he was drunk. The thing about alcohol, and probably every other drug, is that one's body becomes habituated to it. Toward the end, I suspect he was drinking probably almost from the time he got up in the morning. He did have tremors in his hands in the morning.
So that was my 25 year marriage to an alcoholic. YMMV
In my state, the first DUI wins the driver a 48 hour stay in the county hotel. Showing up inebriated gets you a contempt of court charge, as well. Incredibly, that happens.
Last edited by velma929; 06-27-2015 at 05:32 AM. Reason: I think slow
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 
Anvil, she would never steal from me. I intend to watch her like a hawk. I can easily tell if she's had even one drink. She is going to have a long road with the court's. And then, in our state, for her to get her regular license back, with the department of motor vehicles. Her license will be suspended at least one year. Her CDL license gone forever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Ihatealcohol, it's not that "she wouldn't steal from ME", which has the emphasis on "ME" and the implication that she loves you too much to violate that love.
It's that YOU are not first in her line of priorities, even though she might say and she might wish that you were.
Her alcohol (and probably her pills) are FIRST. She is an alcoholic and her only choices are to quit drinking permanently or to drink and do whatever she has to do to get alcohol.
From what you say, her alcoholism is well progressed, and her body needs alcohol like you and I need air. She can't function without it, which means that she will do whatever she has to do to get it. Just the same as we would claw our way out of the dirt if we were in a landslide and our air supply was gone.
When your partner gets to this place in alcoholism, the whole game changes. The person we knew and their values and loves and desires to make someone else happy are compromised. The substance that now runs their body - alcohol and/or drugs - now controls their thinking. They do not believe they will survive another day without it. Everything else is secondary.
Maybe someone here can suggest some SoberRecovery threads and books that explain in detail what happens physiologically and emotionally when a person becomes an alcoholic or addict. It would be very helpful for you to learn exactly what your fiancee's alcoholic body is demanding of her, and how her thought processes have been changed by her alcoholism.
It is shocking; it is unwelcome; it is devastating when we, the partners of alcoholics and addicts, have to learn this. It is as if the shell of the person we love so dearly looks the same as ever, but beneath that, their alcoholic body and mind have changed them profoundly.
The only option they have to return to who they were, to who they want to be, is to stop drinking/drugging totally. And that is hard, very hard, and takes the honesty and guts to want to confront these substances which, like the devil, are leading them down a merry chase to destruction.
Alcoholism is progressive unless the alcoholic quits totally and does the emotional work to stay abstinent for the rest of their lives, day by day. And your fiancee, from what you have written, is making the choice to continue to drink, and rejecting the opportunity for treatment.
It's not that we are trying to be harsh with you; we understand your bewildered belief in your fiancee, and your hope and yearning that you will get back the woman you chose and love so deeply. We have felt this way with our partners. We are with you, just a bit farther down the path of dashed hopes and disappointment as many of us have watched them falter and fail.
I hope you stay with us, despite the difficulty of our messages. I hope and pray that your fiancee will be one of the many who choose to stop drinking and recover. People can, and people do. You might want to read the SR forums "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism" to learn more about the intensity of commitment people bring to combatting their alcoholism, the change in their attitudes about alcohol, and the struggle that it is. People do make it out, if they want it badly enough.
In the meantime, be careful and be wary. You can't watch anyone 24/7, and if you could, that means that you are the jailer and they are the wily prisoner trying to escape your reach, and that is an uncomfortable unfulfillng relationship to have with someone we love.
Take what you want and leave the rest, my warmest wishes for you and your fiancee that she returns to health.
ShootingStar1
It's that YOU are not first in her line of priorities, even though she might say and she might wish that you were.
Her alcohol (and probably her pills) are FIRST. She is an alcoholic and her only choices are to quit drinking permanently or to drink and do whatever she has to do to get alcohol.
From what you say, her alcoholism is well progressed, and her body needs alcohol like you and I need air. She can't function without it, which means that she will do whatever she has to do to get it. Just the same as we would claw our way out of the dirt if we were in a landslide and our air supply was gone.
When your partner gets to this place in alcoholism, the whole game changes. The person we knew and their values and loves and desires to make someone else happy are compromised. The substance that now runs their body - alcohol and/or drugs - now controls their thinking. They do not believe they will survive another day without it. Everything else is secondary.
Maybe someone here can suggest some SoberRecovery threads and books that explain in detail what happens physiologically and emotionally when a person becomes an alcoholic or addict. It would be very helpful for you to learn exactly what your fiancee's alcoholic body is demanding of her, and how her thought processes have been changed by her alcoholism.
It is shocking; it is unwelcome; it is devastating when we, the partners of alcoholics and addicts, have to learn this. It is as if the shell of the person we love so dearly looks the same as ever, but beneath that, their alcoholic body and mind have changed them profoundly.
The only option they have to return to who they were, to who they want to be, is to stop drinking/drugging totally. And that is hard, very hard, and takes the honesty and guts to want to confront these substances which, like the devil, are leading them down a merry chase to destruction.
Alcoholism is progressive unless the alcoholic quits totally and does the emotional work to stay abstinent for the rest of their lives, day by day. And your fiancee, from what you have written, is making the choice to continue to drink, and rejecting the opportunity for treatment.
It's not that we are trying to be harsh with you; we understand your bewildered belief in your fiancee, and your hope and yearning that you will get back the woman you chose and love so deeply. We have felt this way with our partners. We are with you, just a bit farther down the path of dashed hopes and disappointment as many of us have watched them falter and fail.
I hope you stay with us, despite the difficulty of our messages. I hope and pray that your fiancee will be one of the many who choose to stop drinking and recover. People can, and people do. You might want to read the SR forums "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism" to learn more about the intensity of commitment people bring to combatting their alcoholism, the change in their attitudes about alcohol, and the struggle that it is. People do make it out, if they want it badly enough.
In the meantime, be careful and be wary. You can't watch anyone 24/7, and if you could, that means that you are the jailer and they are the wily prisoner trying to escape your reach, and that is an uncomfortable unfulfillng relationship to have with someone we love.
Take what you want and leave the rest, my warmest wishes for you and your fiancee that she returns to health.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I intend to watch her like a hawk. I can easily tell if she's had even one drink
same gal that was drinking in the mornings and you had NO idea? I know you are holding onto the hope that she isn't THAT bad that she would never <<fill in the blank>> but in the past few weeks alone she's blasted thru quite a few of those NEVERS.
if I understand correctly there is quite a disparity between your income levels. I don't know for sure what bus drivers bring in, but I believe it was YOU who saved the $$$ for the wedding and YOU she turned to when she wanted to get sent off to some cushy $30k rehab.
in some ways, she already has stolen from you....trust, peace of mind, your lifestyle. now you propose to be the booze police, watch her 24/7 or close to....unless you chain her to radiator, that is going to be tough as you have a job and other commitments.
don't lost YOUR life in all this. watch her ACTIONS, instead of just believe her WORDS. I truly do wish you the best.
same gal that was drinking in the mornings and you had NO idea? I know you are holding onto the hope that she isn't THAT bad that she would never <<fill in the blank>> but in the past few weeks alone she's blasted thru quite a few of those NEVERS.
if I understand correctly there is quite a disparity between your income levels. I don't know for sure what bus drivers bring in, but I believe it was YOU who saved the $$$ for the wedding and YOU she turned to when she wanted to get sent off to some cushy $30k rehab.
in some ways, she already has stolen from you....trust, peace of mind, your lifestyle. now you propose to be the booze police, watch her 24/7 or close to....unless you chain her to radiator, that is going to be tough as you have a job and other commitments.
don't lost YOUR life in all this. watch her ACTIONS, instead of just believe her WORDS. I truly do wish you the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
Anvil, I make more than her. However, she has been in a union for many years and brings home a decent wage. Ironically, she won a safe driver award. I suspect she will be fired soon. I am determined to enforce my one drink your out rule.
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