am I tired or falling out of love?
 

*First post & new to AlAnon*

HI! My live in boyfriend is in the early stages of recovery, he is actively receiving treatmeet and we are being more open and honest about the disease than ever. But lately I find myself doubting if I can handle this, or if I even want to. He is doing everything I could ask to recover but I still feel tired, unconnected, and like a parent to him. And that is not what I hoped out of my relationship. To make matters worse, he works second shift & I work first so we only really see each other on the weekends. I feel like I have a person that I live with, the care of, and occasionally hang out with on the weekends instead if a boyfriend. I am getting help as well but tonight I cried for 20 minutes because I cannot tell if I don't love him anymore or if I am just struggling with his recovery. I know nobody can decide how I feel but me but I am hoping someone has beeN here and can relate?
thanks

Yup, sure can.

Nothing needs to be decided immediately. "Falling out of love" can happen, even when alcohol isn't in the picture. I left my first husband after 15 years of good, solid sobriety. He was, and is, a great guy. We are still very dear friends. But I didn't feel in love anymore (assuming that I really know what that kind of love actually IS).

I don't think anyone "owes" a continued relationship with anyone. All you owe them is to be kind and fair and to avoid unnecessary hurt. I know my husband was VERY hurt when I left him, but I didn't stay for the sake of not hurting him at all. I felt if I HAD stayed, more hurt would come to him because I couldn't be the kind of partner he wanted (and, honestly, deserved). But in all ways throughout our split and after I was as kind and fair as I could be.

Give it some time. Your feelings will become clearer.

I have been there, sure thing. At times I still slip back to "parenting" my AH.

You are both early in recovery.

My suggestion, enjoy the fact that you are both working a program.

Enjoy your space while he is working, this will give yourself the time you need to focus on YOUR recovery.

In early recovery I was full of emotions and like Lexi said, it takes time. After working your program for a while you will know what you need to do.

Hugs to you!

Hello Lettinggo,

Welcome to SR! Early days are overwhelming. I have had to stop taking the pulse in my marriage after each day. I eventually decided to focus on my own issues with a counselor and I set dates to reevaluate the relationship. That gave me time to see an unfolding picture of how things were trending rather than the day by day up and down with a person learning to live without numbing themselves out. Also it helped me see what role I was playing in the relationship and what I was getting out of it.

I do not think knowing what I know now that I would stay with a recovering addict if I was not married, had no kids, and our work lives were keeping us apart with no signs to change this. I had 18y married, a child, and my H several times had worked hard to change his job to remain local and active in our family life.

Is he honest? A lot of addicts lie about many things and it makes it impossible to rebuild a relationship when there can be no trust.

Take care of you. Thanks for posting!