am I tired or falling out of love?

Old 05-18-2015, 09:15 PM
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am I tired or falling out of love?

*First post & new to AlAnon*

HI! My live in boyfriend is in the early stages of recovery, he is actively receiving treatmeet and we are being more open and honest about the disease than ever. But lately I find myself doubting if I can handle this, or if I even want to. He is doing everything I could ask to recover but I still feel tired, unconnected, and like a parent to him. And that is not what I hoped out of my relationship. To make matters worse, he works second shift & I work first so we only really see each other on the weekends. I feel like I have a person that I live with, the care of, and occasionally hang out with on the weekends instead if a boyfriend. I am getting help as well but tonight I cried for 20 minutes because I cannot tell if I don't love him anymore or if I am just struggling with his recovery. I know nobody can decide how I feel but me but I am hoping someone has beeN here and can relate?
thanks
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:24 AM
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Yup, sure can.

Nothing needs to be decided immediately. "Falling out of love" can happen, even when alcohol isn't in the picture. I left my first husband after 15 years of good, solid sobriety. He was, and is, a great guy. We are still very dear friends. But I didn't feel in love anymore (assuming that I really know what that kind of love actually IS).

I don't think anyone "owes" a continued relationship with anyone. All you owe them is to be kind and fair and to avoid unnecessary hurt. I know my husband was VERY hurt when I left him, but I didn't stay for the sake of not hurting him at all. I felt if I HAD stayed, more hurt would come to him because I couldn't be the kind of partner he wanted (and, honestly, deserved). But in all ways throughout our split and after I was as kind and fair as I could be.

Give it some time. Your feelings will become clearer.
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:44 AM
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I have been there, sure thing. At times I still slip back to "parenting" my AH.

You are both early in recovery.

My suggestion, enjoy the fact that you are both working a program.

Enjoy your space while he is working, this will give yourself the time you need to focus on YOUR recovery.

In early recovery I was full of emotions and like Lexi said, it takes time. After working your program for a while you will know what you need to do.

Hugs to you!
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Old 05-19-2015, 04:52 AM
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Hello Lettinggo,

Welcome to SR! Early days are overwhelming. I have had to stop taking the pulse in my marriage after each day. I eventually decided to focus on my own issues with a counselor and I set dates to reevaluate the relationship. That gave me time to see an unfolding picture of how things were trending rather than the day by day up and down with a person learning to live without numbing themselves out. Also it helped me see what role I was playing in the relationship and what I was getting out of it.

I do not think knowing what I know now that I would stay with a recovering addict if I was not married, had no kids, and our work lives were keeping us apart with no signs to change this. I had 18y married, a child, and my H several times had worked hard to change his job to remain local and active in our family life.

Is he honest? A lot of addicts lie about many things and it makes it impossible to rebuild a relationship when there can be no trust.

Take care of you. Thanks for posting!
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