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-   -   I am just not ready to talk face to face (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/363020-i-am-just-not-ready-talk-face-face.html)

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 06:15 AM

I am just not ready to talk face to face
 
Just to recap: my ex and I have parted ways now that he is sober, and after 16 months of me trying to get him sober, he is doing great, I guess. He has been sober now since Feb. 2nd. anyway, we live in different cities, and on Monday he heard I was in town ( not from me) and he called to have dinner and talk. and I thought about it and called him and told him I couldn't. He wants to meet up again today, he just called me. I am not trying to punish him, I am sure it is good intentions, he says he wants those that have been there for him to know how much he appreciates them. But... I can not do it. I just am not ready. but... i feel bad...

biminiblue 03-25-2015 06:20 AM

Listen to your own inner voice. It may be too soon for you.

He's an ex for a reason. Even if he is actually sober, he has a lot of work to do before he's relationship material.

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 06:34 AM

thank you, he seems so good right now, how is it that I am the one falling apart now? :) I have been the solid one, now that he is in recovery, I feel like i have fought a war. I am beat

biminiblue 03-25-2015 06:38 AM

Exactly - and I'm an alcoholic. I'd be willing to bet that he's not doing well. Didn't he always play that card in the past? I'm guessing he is really good at deception and denial, the alcoholic's stock in trade.

I hope you leave it alone for a while, at least until you've gained some footing. He may be trying to suck you back in, especially if you have helped him in the past.

If you want to see how recovered an alcoholic is, tell him "No." My guess is he will soon go on the attack.

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 06:44 AM

thank you, I have to get healthy too. I know this, and to get there, I have to say no when I know I need to. That has not been my past, I have always been there. ALWAYS. You hit the nail on the head. in fact, everyone else has turned their backs, and I stayed. I felt like I did the right thing. so when he got sober and dumped me, and went back to all the friends, i was dumbfounded. Then he told me, I should not have stayed, that he lost respect for me because I didn't leave. I could not believe it. But I understand it more now, I am shell shocked. and now he wants to see me, he sounded great, He seems like he is in a good place. he is going to meetings, he still doesnt have a sponsor though. He is in a home for homeless vets, they are helping him find housing and a job, he lost all those things this last year.
anyway, thank you

biminiblue 03-25-2015 06:51 AM

Everything will always be someone else's fault according to him.

Take care of yourself. Say no.

The other thing is he is likely looking for some physical contact, if you get what I mean. That would really mess with your head.

He is nowhere near being relationship material.

Hold your ground. You know what to do.

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 07:00 AM

thanks for the support. I feel all alone :)

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 07:09 AM

and by the way: I would never get in a relationship with him ever again!

hopeful4 03-25-2015 07:31 AM

You absolutely have the right to not be ready for this. Time to keep up with YOUR needs.

XXX

FeelingGreat 03-25-2015 07:32 AM

Hi DD, of course you shouldn't go if you don't feel up to it.

Just wanted to say, now that he has some sober time he may genuinely want to make up for the past, and show you he's changed. But that's his agenda, and you don't have to go along with it. Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge.

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 07:42 AM

I want him to be ok, I want him to be happy, feel rested, at peace. PTSD and alcoholism are cruel. They ravage you and everything around you. I love him, I want him to be good again. But the toll it has taken on me is astronomical. I have got to take care of me, I am a mom, I have to be ok. I do not have a choice, and right now just thinking about seeing him makes me hurt. But I do hope someday we can mend our friendship. Because I am 45 and I have known him since I was 6. I KNOW somewhere in him, there is a good guy.

firebolt 03-25-2015 11:28 AM

You have nothing to feel bad about. Saying no is for you, not for him. You should pat yourself on the back for doing what is right for you!!!

lizatola 03-25-2015 11:55 AM


Originally Posted by hopeful4 (Post 5281208)
You absolutely have the right to not be ready for this. Time to keep up with YOUR needs.

XXX

Following up on what hopeful said here. No is a complete sentence. You are doing what feels right for you and if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. No need to force a square peg into a round hole.

And, if you do want a friendship with him in the future that is healthier, I bet you'll trust your intuition and you'll know when it's right. I think you are very aware of the situation on both sides here and you sound determined to do the right thing. Hugs to you, I know it's hard....sending you lots of support today.

daydreamer0217 03-25-2015 08:33 PM

Thanks all. I didn't go for coffee. And he did not press. He left it up to me. I hope someday we can really sit at the same table and i don't feel like the walking wounded.

FeelingGreat 03-25-2015 08:43 PM


Originally Posted by daydreamer0217 (Post 5282527)
Thanks all. I didn't go for coffee. And he did not press. He left it up to me. I hope someday we can really sit at the same table and i don't feel like the walking wounded.

I hope so too. And I also hope that getting treatment for PTSD allows him to remain sober.

Katchie 03-26-2015 06:53 AM

Stick to you guns. If you're not ready, then you're not ready and there isn't a doggone thing wrong with that. My H is back from rehab and I in no way shape or form want to lay physical eyes on him and I don't feel one bit guilty for it. We've experienced some traumatic stuff living with our A's over the years -- heck yeah we may not be ready to sit with them and visit. That's ok. You do what is best for you!!

daydreamer0217 03-26-2015 08:00 AM

thanks all. It means a lot. We are all just trucking along in this life, hoping we are doing the right thing, hoping we are good people making good decisions. This whole thing has totally thrown me.


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