He is an grown man an adult. He is not your child. Why do you feel responsible for him?

You do realize that your current actions allow him to continue to do EXACTLY what he is doing?

Change begins with you.

You are already alone, an alcoholic CANNOT be a vested partner, they are not living in the real world, their minds are controlled by a drug, all rational thought process out the window, alcohol is first in their lives, next is their drinking life with other bar friends, then comes any other hobby they may currently be entertaining, spouses are way down on the bottom of the totem pole.

You get to decide what an acceptable standard of living entails.

MissBizita....perhaps you can seek out a therapist to support you. It may be that you have great fears of abandonment, also....
You may want to read the book: "The Saber-toothed Tiger". It addresses much of what you are struggling with.

dandylion

Miss, you are making sense. Sometimes being alone is so much more calm, peaceful and a loving act than being with someone who will create unending chaos in your life. The love of his life right now is not you and I think you know the choice he would pick if he had to choose. Please go to the Alanon meeting, let others be there for you and breathe! You will make it through all this and remember we all came here just where you are right now maybe with a little different story but you will come out okay. Please stick around we are here for you.

If he is going to fall or drink himself to death, he is going to do it whether you or anyone else is there or not. Buying into my own illusion of control kept me trapped in a lot of unhealthy behaviors, but that's all it was -- an illusion.

We do not help by enabling. Plain and simple. All we do is keep our loved one from experiencing the consequences of their actions and therefore eliminate the possibility that they will ever feel they need to change. All we do is maintain the status quo -- but since alcoholism is a progressive disease if left unchecked, things still get worse.

Your thinking is getting way of ahead of itself anyway. Don't worry about whether you can ever imagine yourself doing one thing or another. All you ever have to decide is. "What is the next right thing?", and it's hard to even do that when you don't really know all that you are up against here. Go to the meeting. Learn about the disease. Stop judging yourself for what you think and feel and get your head in the game. You're going to be ok whatever the outcome if you keep just doing the next right thing (which sometimes is nothing at all), you just don't believe it yet.

It's possible to be alone without being lonely.

It's also possible to feel lonelier than you can imagine even when you are with someone, especially when that person is an addict.

You're getting a lot thrown at you. Don't worry. Your openess is evident. Keep reading.

Sadly, yes it is. It's exactly who he is.

Give yourself permission to go to that al-anon meeting, your future depends on YOU doing something other then worrying, babysitting and agenizing over someone you really have no control over.

Thank you everyone, I am reading and taking everything on board...

I will go to the meeting. It's in 2 hours time.


I'm just utterly devastated.. I've cried for 12 hours straight, I feel sick and don't want to eat. I've got so much work to do that I missed from taking the day off. At the minute I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you can find the strength to share tonight at your meeting.

When you are ready to release him and let go you will find your light at the end of your tunnel, called freedom.

May you be able to slowly "Let go and let God"...


Tight Hugs to you!!

Building your self-confidence and working on your insecurities either via therapy or a program like al-anon, reading books like Codependent No More all of these actions can only benefit you.

If love could get them sober and keep them that way, there wouldn’t be such a thing called “addiction” and none of us would be here today even discussing it.

In time when the dust clears you will be able to see things more clearly that you cannot see today. Gaining knowledge of alcoholism and addiction can better prepare you for future decisions.

It’s ok to cry, it’s not ok to NOT take care of yourself.

Miss, you state how miserable and lonely you were prior to the Alcoholic coming into your life. Just a hunch, but I believe this is more about you than him.

A man/woman/ relationship will not complete or fulfill you as a human being. Sounds like an inside journey about to begin.....

Hey miss, glad your going to a meeting tonight keep posting and reading!!

Is completely natural for you to be feeling overwhelmed, all you can do is take one day at a time, sometimes it's a minute at a time. Have you tried counselling, just a thought might help you process your thoughts and feelings about why you were unhappy before you met your BF and your current relationship.

You say about not wanting to go out and leave him so he doesn't drink and you will be able to look after him?? Am I right?? I thought the same way, I never went out and if I did I spent the whole night on the phone making sure he wasn't drunk, drinking. My life revolved around him and trying to stop him from drinking. It didn't work he always found a way to drink, leaving in the middle of the night, waking up the next day and drinking. They will always find a way and nothing you can do will stop him. All you will do is drive yourself crazy.

I understand fear of being alone but life with an active A is lonely there is a difference, he isn't able to meet your needs, he doesn't have the ability to be the type of BF you deserve, I. Sorry I wish he was different.

Miss Bizz,

Did you make the meeting? I hope so... You will not feel so alone and isolated.

The posts above are spot on. There is much collective wisdom here and I wish I had listened more when I first came.... But I was crazy about my xa and knew it would be different and beat the odds.

In hindsight I spent 4 years lying to his bosses, running interference, hiring lawyers, getting him into rehAb after rehab. I trained him to use me to help escape consequences of chronic relapse. I finally took off the diapers and put up the fire extinguisher and 4 years later (8 total) be is drunk again after 4 mos rehab and 3 weeks on the street. Relapse number 30 plus... I still hope and pray for him but leave the care taking, interventions and miracles to God... And God is there. Neither you or I are him . Be kind to yourself, set boundaries and trustGod.

Hi, and welcome.

I had an alcoholic partner (whom I later foolishly married) whom I felt the same way about. He couldn't hold a job; he almost died of liver/kidney failure, yet went back to drinking. It's sad and feels awful to watch.

Even if the mortgage/deed is in your name, purchasing a house with the thought of sharing it with him isn't a good idea right now. You might think you are "providing" for him, and that giving him stability will help him. It won't--believe me, it won't. It will only further complicate an already difficult and complicated situation.

When alcoholism co-exists with mental illness, recovery is more complicated. Right now he isn't even displaying any interest in recovering. When/if he does, there are "dual diagnosis" professionals who can help him, because both the alcoholism and the bipolar have to be treated together if he's to have a shot at success. I know people for whom it HAS worked--people with both alcoholism and a co-occurring mental disorder. But there still has to be a desire and a determination to stick with any recovery program.

You've gotten excellent advice, and I hope you went to the meeting. Al-Anon was a lifeline for me when my alcoholic husband went back to drinking. I wound up having to leave him. I just couldn't bear to have a front-row seat while he killed himself with alcohol. I still care for him, but I am not in contact with him, and have no wish to, now. It's over for us. I still hope someday he will choose recovery, but that is his journey.

Thank you again.

I went to the meeting. I don't know how I feel... I know I need to leave him to it but I just can't bring myself to. I was sat there the whole time wanting to call him and check he was ok.

The theme of the meeting was fear which was very apt. I'm still terrified. Of him harming himself, of him not stopping, of him never getting help, of not being here for him, of being alone.

I know that I have my own issues which go hand in hand with how I'm feeling. I have low self worth, everything I've done for the past two years has been for him. I don't want to leave him but I do know I have to distance myself. It's just very hard to do.

Butterfly, everything you say is true. That's exactly how I feel. Everything revolves around him drinking or doing everything possible to stop him drinking. I'm powerless and that scares me. It absolutely terrifies me.

I will keep going to meetings, I will go to work tomorrow but I can't not love him and I can't just detach over night. I can't.

I feel like my whole world is caving in on me, it's suffocating. But I'll keep going.

Thanks again.

No, of course it doesn't happen overnight. It's a process, and you are feeling a bit of reality shock right now. Keep breathing.

We are all powerless over many things--the weather, the tides, forces of nature, a loved one's cancer. Alcoholism SEEMS like something that would respond to other people's behavior, but it isn't. Almost everyone in this forum has loved his or her alcoholic very much, and has tried everything imaginable. It's hard to swallow, but it's a fact.

In some ways, though, that very powerlessness can be freeing. You don't have to feel that you caused it--because you didn't. You don't have to feel responsible for curing it--because you can't. Once you get to the place of ACCEPTING those facts--which isn't the same as liking them (any more than you'd like an earthquake that destroyed your home)--you will find a measure of peace.

Of course you can't stop loving him and you can't detach overnight. Detaching is very hard and it takes practice, it was something I could never do. It was only when he went no contact with me did I have time to focus on myself, my thinking became clearer and my recovery really moved forward.

All you can do is take one day at a time, try and get a copy of co dependent no more, I saw so much of myself in that book and I'm sure you will to.

Please keep posting and reading about addiction. I wish you peace ((((((hugs))))))

Thank you both. I will keep trying.

I just got in to bed and I can't stop crying. All I want is to hug him and tell him I love him and make everything better.

I really do adore him and I want him to know that and for it to be enough but I know it isn't.

I hate it so much. I feel sick again. I don't know how anything will ever be better.

It will get better for you when you keep the focus on you and focus on your recovery. For him it will get better when HE decides to focus on recovery but he has to want to and he has to want to do it for him no one else.

Just get through each minute of each day I know this is hard you have had a lot of information thrown at you. When I first joined I had to read and re read the posts because I just couldn't take in any information, I was devastated but I took it one minute at a time and posted here A LOT!!!!

You can get through this, keep reaching out ((((((hugs))))))

Sorry MissBizzita, but it's him sober or drunk ... it's him choosing to do this.

Also, just as an aside - my father was bipolar, he suffered for many years on varying medications and treatments until they found the right combination. But he never drank. Sure, his manic phases made things ... "interesting" ... but he wasn't an alcoholic, so he didn't drink to deal with it.

Hugs to you

Oh, one more thought. It can be very difficult to evict even a stranger from your home. And even though you're not married, if things didn't work out in the future, you may be obligated to split the equity. Yikes!