advice please!
 

My husband has had issues with heavy drinking and we've had many arguments about itl, over the last couple of years he has gotten much better, a very good week is prob 3 nights drinking prob 25 beers over those 3 nights. And he never mean just clocks out of family life when he drinks his beers in the shed. Which is a huge improvement.

So why why why do I still hate it so so much@? He's doing so well but I still hate it i wish I could just get over his past drinking and move on and be happy with this so called normal amount. It has slowly crept up again and I've mentioned it to him and boy did he get angry about that he just thinks I need to quit giving him **** about drinking- I know how bad it used to be and he's proved he can cut back so why do I still hate him drinking !! ?

You are mad because you have a part time husband. While he is doing his thing 3 nights a week what are you doing?

The problem is, is it is not normal drinking. Eight beers at one time at least three nights a week and he hides while he is doing it is nowhere near normal. He has a drinking problem for which the only cure is total abstinence forever.

You can't get over the past because you are living it in the present. Nothing has really changed.

He's not doing "so well"--he's isolating himself in the shed to drink. It isn't normal, and alcoholism affects everything in a person's life.

Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this might be a good time to start...

Sounds familiar to me, my AH drank so much in his past that his insides should be "pickled"; however, he too has chosen to "moderate", "cut back" if you will. Its all the same, he is still drinking, even hiding his stash.

We will all sound like broken records and say the best thing is to worry about your recovery and not his problem. Find help with support groups like Alanon or a therapist. This site is wonderful and can guide you. I could also recommend the book Codependent No More, it is an excellent resource.

Keep on sharing and take care!!

ok Thank you I seriously thought comments back would say he dosent sound like an alcoholic :)

thanks to you all for helping me.

Back in January, he had tried to "moderate" and not drink, and you said:

Did you ever go to Al-Anon? I think you would find a lot of support there, because what your husband is doing is pretty typical alcoholic behavior.

You tell him his drinking is a problem. He says it's not for him, and you shouldn't try to change him because he's happy as it is. You say you're going to Al-Anon. He gets worried and cleans the booze out of the house and doesn't drink for a while. He convinces you he's seen the light and he's all good now and won't drink.

And then he drinks and the whole thing starts over again.

I think you could choose to ignore the question "is he really an alcoholic?" and focus instead on the fact that his drinking is a problem for you, and you have every right to feel that way.

Doesn't matter what you call it. If it's a problem for you, then it is a problem.

Yes I too read back at my last posts thank you!! And NO I chickened out and didn't go to al a on back then, think I will now, but.....

I'm in constant argument with myself about it all , like I'm sensitive, other people put up with their husbands drinking, I'm over the top , I'm over reacting, it's a kiwi nz bloke thing to do like in the culture, it's about other probs in our marriage so that makes me hate the drinking. He's not that bad, don't listen to strangers on the net lol.
I feel to be honest I've realized that beer has truly like been the other women in our relationship? Does anyone get that?

He has told me since I'm always finding the negative about him, he will tell me negatives about me and he did..... he told me terrible things about what he thinks of me what I do wrong etc he says he's not the only bad one here, he told me if I had an affair he wouldn't care, god it made feel absolutely horrible it really hurt.

But I'm pretty sure he is saying this because he is deep down freaking out I've bought up the whole drinking issue again?
I've looked at co depending stuff and I seem to score quite low .
when he's in the shed I'm either on comp being lazy watching g tv by myself while kids asleep.or I'm making dinner putting kids to bed etc.

It doesn't help he's so involved in some silly war game on his phone, he told me once that's prob why he keeps drinking.

Thanks to you all I love all your wise wise words and encouragement.

Blame shifting is a common ploy amongst addicts. You mention his drinking and he brings up something you have done that has no relevance, and puts you on the defensive.

Many people have described their alcoholic as having an "affair" with alcohol.

I'm sorry he said things and hurt you. Its so common. Its a straw man's argument. My husband would only have to tell me to an an affair once. You ask you get. Not really but it would take me a lot to get over that and I am not sure I would.

Please consider Al-Anon. You are not happy with the situation you have right now. Why put it off? Sure, it takes effort, dedication, and work, but Al-Anon can give you the support you need. It can also get your focus off your AH.

I mean, what are you gaining by remaining stuck or making a plan to have a plan? I lived with this for years. I was in desperate need of a program, just like my AH. He chose to drink himself into the grave. I chose to seek recovery.

It is your call, but if you stay you are going to continue feeling sad and ignored. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Yes thanks I'm now strongly considering it. Thank you.
We back to happy family today blah blah I just pretend with him and surly he must too .
I had a good talk to a v close friend about it today, unfortunately she seemed to be more towards me accepting maybe just beer for him, she had all the excuses and even mentioned others that drink nightly and the wife dosent nag. Omg I don't think I can talk about this with others they just do not get it at all :-(

You aren't happy with him "checking out" from your marriage for days each week.

Alcoholism is progressive--it will continue to increase and get worse untreated.
I am a recovered alcoholic, and that was true for me.

You need to trust your own feelings about this, not your friend or us.
Learn all you can about alcoholism, and realize this may be as good as it gets.

Are you ready for a lifetime of being in a three-party marriage?
You, him, and the booze?

I don't buy the "cultural norm" thing either.
You have one life--you aren't an aggregate of culture but an individual.
What do you want for yourself in this situation?
No rush to decide this but going with the flow may not be satisfying to your soul. . .

For much too long I looked for help and support from our friends and families, and even doctors, who didn't have a clue about this disease. I didn't understand and never had heard of Licensed Addiction Counselors.

Walking through the doors of my first Alanon meetings, and also finding a counselor for myself, was really hard and I kept thinking I didn't need it. Yet there was what I needed to start healing. Looking back, my brain was addicted to how things were and kept wanting to control and fix things in our lives.

Once I started to truly reach out for help for myself, not him, then things started changing.

Baby steps. One day at a time. :)

I'm really relating to your post, Johno1. I also found myself often feeling jealous and crazy when my XABF chose to play war games on his phone then to have a conversation with me about our situation EVERRR. I think he checks out because he can't deal with the reality of the situation...which is that he's an alcoholic and this is not 'normal' and he's not actively addressing the situation. He KNEW what he had to do to be well and sustain it, but he wasn't willing to do that, so anytime I brought attention to it, he either flipped out, checked out or diverted the conversation to another topic (usually of no real significance) like how he's discovered which brand lint rollers best work for cleaning the cat hair off the couch...????

I agree with you that it is hard to commit to an al-anon meeting, you're still trying to have a normal life and hoping it will regulate itself. I am still trying to talk myself into going. I'm new to SR, but from what I've read so far, it will be a positive step.

Good luck to you.

Because you know that you are walking on eggshells as this is a progressive disease. That is not normal drinking.

I am sorry, and glad you are here! I hope you do get face to face support!

Oh, I can honestly tell you I thought every single one of those things (except not the kiwi nz thing but a Latino macho culture thing). Don't let that stop you. If you don't like what you have, you have no obligation to like it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. :)

And why would you not hate him drinking, and what is exactly so lovable about it? Cutting it down does not equal sober, not even close.

This is like when my AH husband says, "I am doing wonderful, I am cutting it down, but just in case, I am going to buy a bit more today." And then he drives off to another town on a wonderful Sunday sunny morning to buy some whiskey because all liquor stores are closed in our city on Sunday.

Yes, a part-time husband, as redatlanta says. That's what makes us mad.

I totally get that! In fact, I find that making that comparison helps me to keep ahold of what it is that bothers me so much about my husband's drinking, which has also reduced a great deal lately. So, you are now only sleeping with your mistress a few times a week instead of everyday? Hmmm...I should be very grateful and think that's awesome, right? Nobody would ever say that about cheating, and drinking is like cheating - his loyalties are to booze, not you. His caring and affections are for booze, not you. His lies and denials and deflecting blame are all to protect the most important thing in his life - booze, not you. I have to keep reminding myself of this, as it's so easy to slip back into feeling guilty for being angry, feeling like I should be grateful it is better - as if less crappy behaviour is wonderful, rather than just better than the great deal of crappy behaviour that came before, and will likely come again. Imagining the booze as a mistress puts the behaviour into perspective for me.

Strongly considering Al-Anon is somewhat similar to an alcoholic making a plan to have a plan. I don't think you realize it or see it, but your denial and resistance to seek recovery is similar to his. After all, putting in the effort will upset the status quo. Unfortunately, those of us married to alcoholics tend to maintain the status quo.

You are pretending and he is pretending. If he wants to play pretend, that is fine because it is his choice. But why is it your choice?

Other people who are not married to alcoholics/addicts will NOT get it. That is why I am encouraging you to go to an Al-Anon meeting. Only folks like us who have shared your experiences will understand your situation.

I know how easy it is to remain miserable, complain, and contemplate trying out a meeting. I assure you, that when you decide (without input from friends or family) your life is miserable, you will try a meeting.

I had to walk away. Maybe you will choose to stay, which is your right. But I lived with the hell of alcoholism for many years. It is no way to live.

Yes! THIS! I needed to hear this today. The lies are to protect something more important than me. Wow. Really puts it in perspective.