|
BlueChair, just wanted to make sure I pointed out that I'm not really sure of the "how to detach while he is sober" stuff quite yet as Lexie pointed out some of my still dowfalls. But I do feel confident in the areas where I am doing better. Detachment is supposed to help us (spouses of the addict) to not feel so crazy and scattered, it's not even supposed to be a "tool" to "get them to sober up or stay sober." It's to protect 'us' from the madness. And while I still have work to do, I can say that for the most part, even the level of detachment I am practicing now, is enough for me not to feel so crazy. But I am still experiencing the crazy panicky feelings when his drinking comes with no warning. THAT it's definitely something I still need to work on. |
SeriousKarma... For me, the light went on in the middle of one of my first Al Anon meetings. The stories that hit me hard were mothers talking about their alcoholic/addict children. And moms being moms, they went above and beyond trying to help their children, only to be rewarded with being stolen from, being verbally assaulted, and being physically threatened. It occurred to me that nothing these women did changed the behavior of their children. Nothing. But what did happen was these moms drove themselves to the brink of sanity trying to fix their children. So I thought to myself... OK...there is no stronger bond than a woman with her children, and none of these women were successful in fixing their kids, but they drove themselves crazy trying to...so it makes no difference what anyone does for an alcoholic or an addict because they're going to do whatever it is they do whether we like it or not...so I might as well save my sanity because that's one thing I can control... It was then it clicked, and clicked hard. I got it. And when my AGF and I got back together one last time, I was largely hands off and let her be her. In the end, she didn't like that too much. Someone in active alcoholism wants an enabler, and we often fulfill that role without knowing what we're doing until we're far down the road. Hope this helps somewhat. |
Originally Posted by torquemax777
(Post 5249195)
BlueChair, just wanted to make sure I pointed out that I'm not really sure of the "how to detach while he is sober" stuff quite yet as Lexie pointed out some of my still dowfalls. But I do feel confident in the areas where I am doing better. Detachment is supposed to help us (spouses of the addict) to not feel so crazy and scattered, it's not even supposed to be a "tool" to "get them to sober up or stay sober." It's to protect 'us' from the madness. And while I still have work to do, I can say that for the most part, even the level of detachment I am practicing now, is enough for me not to feel so crazy. But I am still experiencing the crazy panicky feelings when his drinking comes with no warning. THAT it's definitely something I still need to work on. |
Originally Posted by torquemax777
(Post 5249098)
You're right lexie, he doesn't usually say until afterwards. But, to his credit, he will then (afterward) either admit that he had been craving since such and such event earlier in the day OR he will say, "I absolutely had no intention of drinking today, and even declined a few until I finally gave in..." So it can "just happen" and usually if I'm in tune, there's little hints throughout the day IF he is "planning" to drink. Sometimes they're even quite obvious like, " as much as I've been enjoying sobriety, a cold beer on a hot day still sounds mighty tasty." Stuff like that is now, if not a SURE sign he will be drinking again soon, it's definitely that "heads up" I was speaking of in the previous post. At any rate if he's doing the "euphoric recall" out loud and directly to me, I pretty much drop the "romantic dinner" plans right that minute! I know I've made progress though, because those remarks no longer invoke a panic response in me that has me firing off, "what do you mean? Are you going to drink today? What it's your plans?" Nope, now I just say to myself in my head, " yep, plan for an evening to yourself if he's here or not. " and if he gives me those "hints" I'm actually feeling indifferent anymore. Mostly I just shrug my shoulders and think, " cool! I'm eating leftovers tonight and watching that show he hates because it just turned into a 'me' night. " still have some work to do on me though when his drunks come unexpected and seemingly out of the blue. My Abf does the same thing. It worries me to not be "prepared" for the nights he binges and results in the worst drunken episodes. I want to also know who he is hanging with or intends to hang with that day. I know it's beyond my control but it's one of my weaknesses I am working on. We have a lot of similarities, torque. |
For me, it was when I came to the realization that my husband actually had a disease. I also knew that trying to plead, threaten, cajole, or reason with him was making ME crazy. I was ridiculously codependent. And I was as crazy as the addict. That was when I started to detach. It took me almost five years of living apart from him to have peace and to no longer want the final say or revenge or what I felt I was due for all my "suffering." I wished my husband well. Sadly, he chose death. But it was his choice. I had to respect that choice and not intervene/interfere with the path he chose. |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:00 AM. |