Am I the Problem?
 

I've posted before about my situation and where it currently stands (sold home, separated, this close to divorce) My almost XAH was texting me last night telling me that I have borderline personality disorder, (this was unprovoked...he said he'd been wanting to tell me for a long time), that I caused him to relapse and have his affair (his words were that my mental health issues almost killed him...quote. He blames me for friends and family knowing about his relapse and his affair. In fact, he smelled like a liquor store, and people were talking about his affair with his co-worker before I knew for sure anything was going on.) I was so hurt and so upset that I could not focus on the grocery shopping I was doing. Because of the work and therapy I have been going through for years (and he has done none) the first thing I did was take a BPD quiz when I got home. I will own my part and say I came to the marriage with some toxic behaviors that I have been to therapy for and continue to go to keep working on myself.

Here's what happened yesterday, and maybe I am seeing my side of things very blurry (?): When we separated, we decided it would be a therapeutic separation...still married, starting over, dating each other. No dating other people. It's been stressful, we hardly see each other, and he's more allusive than ever. I do not require that he "report" to me, but when I do ask questions, which is very few and far between, he gets irritated. His cheating of course led me to not trust him, and he has done nothing to earn it back. So the separation, while it was good to end the volatility in front of the kids and for us, it made me trust him less. I found out a few weeks ago that he does not wear his wedding ring at work. So that means when he was with me, he was intentionally putting it on, then taking it off when I was not around. I felt lied to, hurt, and like he was cheating again. I refiled for divorce, and he now looks at that (and other similar situations) as proof of borderline personality. My "extreme" reactions. I am quoting a text: "If you want to change, you have to start with being completely honest with yourself and those around you about who you really are. ...just come clean about yourself. Without that, you can make some progress but never really achieve happiness."

Thoughts? I'm willing to hear them all, good or bad.

Sounds like he's gaslighting you--making you out to be "crazy" so he can cover his tracks.

Trust you gut.

Taking off his ring at work and putting it on only around you is pretty serious evidence of intent, if not action.

And he got his psychiatry license from what university?

He's projecting his self on you. Don't fall for it. HE is the problem, alcohol is his solution. He needs a new solution.

hugs and love to you!

Thank you...I never want to be right for the sake of being right, and this relationship, in all its negative, has forced me many times to reflect to be sure it's not me. But all the finger pointing at me and never at himself...it screws with the mind. I'm glad, even in all its blurriness as it was happening, that the house is sold and I filed for divorce. I will never be happy (and neither will he) in this relationship.

(I'll have to look up gas lighting...I had heard the term before but never read about it...)

So he's playing a double game, you've called him on it, and now you have BPD? You recognise it as quacking, but does he still have the power to throw mud at you and make it stick?
Maybe he is upset that you've taken the initiative from him? But really, he's going to be mean and try to hurt you for a while, and it's up to you how much you allow this to affect you. Once the need to be in contact is gone, consider going NC.

FeelingGreat-I think that is my next step. I will have him served and that's that. We have no kids together, it was a blended family and the kids don't see each other anymore.

TJD....this blame game is sooo typical.

I think that once you move forth and become less entangled with him, you will find that his words have far less (if any) power over you.

Just because a person says something...doesn't make it true.

dandylion

^^^^ You did not cause his drinking or alcoholism. That rests squarely on his shoulders.

TJD....after I divorced the Narcissistic father of my children....the things h e said about me were astounding!

He even offered my voting record to others as "proof" of my poor ethical behavior.

He seemed to need to believe that I was just inferior protoplasm...because he could not have possibly been at fault in any way.

I just had to let it roll off.

dandylion

Amazing how we innocently walk into these relationships with hope and feelings of love and walk out almost annihilated.

I've also learned that I can't stomp my feet and demand he not do and say the things he is doing and saying. I'd just be engaging...and probably start acting like the crazy person he's trying to incite me into being.

So here's my thing: I was married to an abusive alcoholic with two different personality disorders. For 20 years. Somehow, that did not cause me to a) drink and b) cheat on him.

It infuriates me when people (addicts or not) refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Are you perfect? Probably not. Is that an excuse for him to drink and cheat? Hell no.

It reminds me of a couple of things I've seen in the news lately, where lawyers blame something or someone else for atrocities committed by criminals.

You don't have to be perfect to have a good relationship. You just have to be two adults who take responsibility for their own behaviors. So whether or not you have toxic behaviors (as you say) or a personality disorder (as Dr. I-Read-Something-On-The-Internet says) is beside the point.

I'm coming from the other side but to me the hallmark of recovery is owning your own stuff, admitting your faults, and taking responsibility. To me putting on a wedding ring in one situation and then taking it off is, as others have said, gaslighting. Nobody is an angel but in this particular situation I think you are spot on in your feelings.

lillamy- I came from a toxic family and my almost XAH has told me I had/have their behaviors. So I went to therapy starting about 3 years ago. What it helped me realize is that while I probably did adopt those behaviors (and have worked to fix/continue to be aware of those), that an addict who tells someone else they need therapy (cough) and does nothing to fix themselves...well his problems with everyone else will never be solved. And he will certainly never get/stay sober for long.

What kind of work does he do? Anything physically demanding?

The reason I ask is because I did the same thing out of necessity, though I told my wife about it from the start. Working as a carpenter, I put my hands through a lot of abuse and a gold ring just doesn't hold up to the strain of the work. I tried wearing it at work at the start of the marriage, but it ended up deforming and actually breaking completely due to all the heavy things I have to carry around, which made me have to pay for an expensive repair.

So unless I wanted to keep paying money for ring repairs every few months, I found it best to just leave the ring at home until I was done work for the day.

Thomas....in a hospital, wearing of rings is not a good idea for several reasons. So, a common way people have come to terms with this problem is to wear their ring on a chain around their neck...kind of like dog tags...lol!

(not being critical of you)...just a comment.....

dandylion

Necklaces are a "very bad idea"™ in construction. They get caught on things when you lean over, they dig into your skin and cause painful rashes when you're loaded up with a harness + toolbelt + carrying materials on your shoulder, and as odd as it sounds, I know of people who have actually been electrocuted quite badly due to wearing necklaces.

On top of that, at least in formwork carpentry which is my current line of work, there is concrete dust everywhere. It floats around in the air as you walk around and work, and covers all your clothes and your skin. This dust is extremely abrasive, it's essentially like wrapping your body in sandpaper. When it gets between your necklace and your skin, the slight movements of the necklace will cause a necklace-shaped cut around your neck which is extremely painful. That's why jewelry of basically any kind is not a good idea.

Thomas45:What kind of work does he do? Anything physically demanding?


He is a school administrator. So is his affair partner. Same building...

I didn't quote that right...too late to fix. :( Next time!

One of the things I LOVE about this site is that stories are nearly carbon copys of each other, simply with different parties involved. Gives you validation that you're not crazy like they want you to believe you are. Its called alcoholism. I am grateful to know this now.

Yes it was MY fault she cheated. Never mind that she cheated on every partner she ever had.

Yes I caused her to need to drink. So modify my behavior to accommodate that hook, and guess what now there is a new thing I did to cause it.

Etc. etc etc.

Good luck with the separation. Tried that also. They don't want a FULL go each other separate ways trial separation, they want a modified. I want to do what what I want, but you can't do what you want separation.

Oh and lets keep in touch whenever they feel like they need to. Which is usually to launch something accusatory at you. TOTALLY projecting, they just don't think we will ever see that. I learned I could GUARANTEE she was seeing someone else. As the reality was, every time she would call, e-mail, text to imply I was seeing someone else, she in fact was the one doing so.

Or because I didn't keep in touch, in the manner she wanted me to, I was the reason we weren't going to ever work this out.

I wish you a better outcome.

Oh, well in that case there's absolutely no excuse.

He had always worn his ring.

Hangn: Yes...totally agree...I had said that in another post...I found this site a few years ago when I felt crazy and I realized that only in very rare cases that it got "better"...but it was never great or even good. I realized I was either going to live like I was living or I had to get out. The next thing I knew it was three years later and I finally decided enough was enough. I refiled for divorce, and since the house is gone and we have our own places...it's a matter of signing. The more I read the more I see no contact is really the only path to healing.

Thomas....thank you for your post. I would never have realized all of those safety issues!!

LOL.....now I am more educated in this regard.

I think we can both agree....safety, first!

(back up 200feet).

dandylion

Definitely agree - RAH builds aluminum cages & is often walking a very narrow beam 2 stories in the air. There have been so many jobsite horror stories of guys falling off cages, ladders, roofs & their necklaces snagging on things on their way down. His hands take a beating so when he tried wearing rings in the early days of this career they got bent, broken & chipped.

Of course, none of this should be an issue for a school administrator. I'm sorry TJD, what a load of Quacking!

Same page sister. Except we were never married. From Day 1 I knew there was something amiss in her. But I did not judge and listened to ALL of the dramas her life had been filled with and said Man I know I can show her things don't have to be like that.

STUPID ME was the one that got played like a flea market fiddle.

Even so, I knew I would NOT want to be married with this train wreck, even if she somehow seemed better. She quit drinking for 2 years. Just when you think...OK....its over, no more nightmare, the relapse takes place. To which she felt she needed to make me the target of that as well. And it was like a complete starting over of the train wreck.

Trust me, your life will be better now.

If I was a liscensced therapist and I thought there might be a possibility my partner had a personality disorder, I wouldn't wait to tell him or her. I would want my partner to be as emotionally healthy as possible. And if I genuinely cared and loved my partner, I would never use my knowledge of their personality disorder as a way to blame my partner for the problems in our relationship. My ex tried to tell me that he thought I was bipolar once. Sometimes when I realize that they all have the same exact bag of tricks it makes me angry that I ever questioned myself, that he knew me better than I know myself.
Thank You for sharing your story. It reminds me that staying no contact is important for my own recovery.

From my experience, having grown up in a dysfunctional alcoholic toxic original family, what that led me to do was to choose similar dysfunctional alcoholic toxic men for partners. It was familiar; it was what I knew.

Now, going on three years out of my marriage to an alcoholic verbally abusive rageful man, I can recognize what in me chose him and why it seemed so familiar, and I am healed so much that I will never choose someone like him again.

So, it may be that your toxic childhood led you to CHOOSE a toxic man, who, now that you are healing, needs to see YOU as damaged and borderline.

My psychiatrist once told me that dysfunctional families and their mindsets are families with rubber walls. They may toss you around and whack you on the walls, but they never want to let you go outside those dysfunctional walls; those rubber walls just keep you bouncing around within their control.

They need you to keep playing your dysfunctional part so they can blame you and deny their own dysfunction. They want you to doubt yourself and believe them so that you stay within their destructive emotional games. Their identities are formed around projecting out the bad parts of themselves onto you. They won't let you go without a fight, and gaslighting is just one technique among many.

They say there is no honor among thieves, and I think similarly that abusive people, (some alcoholics among them) will say and do whatever they think works to keep you enmeshed with them, to doubt yourself and believe them, and to dominate and control you.

You are beginning to do the most scary thing of all: to think for yourself. You are chosing emotional health, and that terrifies them because they don't want to change. If you're interested, I wrote a lot of posts about dealing with stuff like this, and you can search on my name to find them.

You are growing, you are healing, you are moving forward; more power to you!!

ShootingStar1

"that I caused him to relapse and have his affair (his words were that my mental health issues almost killed him...quote. He blames me for friends and family knowing about his relapse and his affair...."

I am sorry for your situation, but this is just hilarious. And he is a school administrator to boot!!!???

If I had kids, I'd start home schooling right now.

Superimpose his craziness on a murder case:
"Your honor, my wife made me rape, pillage and kill those people. I would never have pulled the trigger if she weren't so crazy!!!"

Please keep coming back and work your program for YOU!!!

Hi TD

You asked if you are the problem.
I found that since my part in my relationship problems were within me, I also then had the Power to change them.

It's not about blame of others or self. It's just about finding the Truth so my life can change.

The 12 Steps and a relationship with God helped me work through all that junk...my adult child behaviors and shame and self-blame, the times I had in fact gossiped or was so fearful i was paranoid...why I chose the people i did and what my patterns were and most important - a Solution, a real Solution as to how to let God cease it (He IS the Solution - He is where the necessary Power comes from.) I keep my eyes on my own paper and do my own work.

I used a book in another fellowship (AA Big Book) and around 4 months into my writing I was so steeped in a new way of life and becoming so content that I stopped thinking about "him" and what work "he" should do. It was the work of my life and absolutely indescribable.

I stay away from labels like BPD etc. trust me, I went down that road for YEARS - the psychiatrists, meds, etc...I just got sicker.

The only thing - and I mean after I had exhausted all else - was doing the steps with a Big Book Study sponsor. By the end of my writing I was almost unrecognizable.

Best wishes
WMJ

Repost

Gaslighting.