Why Doesn't He Want to be Responsible for his Children?
 

Hi angels,

I went out last night with a fellow I met. He is separated and has two young children. He has shared custody so lives with the children 50% of the time. He told me what a great arrangement it is because then he really gives his all to his children when they are with him. He is really interested in different parenting techniques, in their education...

Then I explained how xah remains in the US, seeing the children for one week vacations in Oct, Dec, Feb, and April; with potentially a month in summer. How he has never told me/asked me to move back to the US so he could be with the children, he has never tried to get a job here. He has spent well over 200 grand on attorney fees to try to give us the least money possible for child support/alimony...but he spends large sums paying for these one week holidays with the children and to retain the family 6 br house...

My friend last night said that he would live in the center of hell with his children if that is what it would take to be with them. He would follow them anywhere because he would die without them.

I feel like xah is dying inside from what has happened to his life. And so why is he persisting in the crazy set-up he has created for himself? Why can't he talk to us, say that he wants us back in the US? Or let us go but allow us to continue our lives in peace without all the weird manipulation?

I used to be so afraid that I'd be forced out of my home here that I couldn't even ask these questions. I was living scared. I felt guilty for staying here. But now it has been close to 5 years in this country and it is home. The children are well integrated. I don't feel guilty any more. I made a good choice to stay. So now I can ask the question, 'why has he not moved heaven and earth to see/be with/care for his children? He was a very involved parent. Yes, he was irresponsible/reckless/negligent/abusive at times. But he did love us.

Your XAH isn't mentally or physically healthy. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease without active recovery. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. Add in any co-occurring disorders. Are healthy normal behaviors likely to be expected from him?

Your ah is a sick man. That date and your ah are like apples and oranges. Not the same. They are not going to have the same motivations.

To be far, your husband, his family, your old friends, at least one judge and a lawyer or two have suggested you move back to the US for the last couple of years. You have written much about it and many of us here thought that might be a good idea for the short term at least. You and 2 of your kids didn't want to move back.

BTW, not everyone should have children. Neither of my parents should have had them. I imagine there are nice things about having kids, but not everyone is equipped to guide, care for and teach them.

Because divorce brings out the worst in people and add Alcoholism to that mix = whatcha got.

My impression is that he did want you to move back. This was negated early in the divorce proceedings because you are a European citizen; therefore, the Courts had no jurisdiction to force you, or the children, to return. Also I believe he initially petitioned for full custody of the children and lost that battle.

Clearly this set up was something that had been going on before the divorce - and you were ok with it. You STBXAH has never "lived" in the Country you moved to. Being a trans-Atlantic family is a decision you participated in.

Tell me, if he called tomorrow and said please move back so I can see the Children more would you? He is what he is. The distance seems to have been to all your benefit given his history of physical/mental abuse.

You don't' need his permission to move back. If you feel the children should see him more move. It would definitely alleviate a lot of the financial injuries you have sustained living in the place you do which you have stated is extremely expensive.

As far as the rest its just fantasy land - why, why, why why. Why can't he be like this man who can't live without his kids, why can't he play fair, why can't he stop using your children as a moving target? Why can't he just settle this divorce and move on? Why must everything be a fight? Why can't you guys just talk pleasantly and do what's best for the kids?

As KTF said - because he is a deep level alcoholic, and normal behaviors/emotions/feelings aren't possible.

Pipp, his life is a mess. He can't take care of himself, little long his children.

XXX

I think keepingthefaith has it nailed.
There are alcoholics who still try, still want to at least be with their children.
Your AXH just isn't one of them.
Neither is mine.
It's difficult to understand, but I figure the reason why doesn't much matter. It's better for me to focus my attention on the kids than on figuring out why he is the way he is.

I remember when I complained to my therapist that my AH wouldn't correct a disrespectful son. Her response was, "so, you're expecting the king of disrespect in your home to step in and discipline a disrespectful teen?". Touche!

At some point in our minds we have to quit expecting our alcoholics to care, behave, act, make decisions like someone who isn't an addict.

I have been learning though haven't mastered this concept. If I don't expect the normal from my A then I won't be disappointed.

If an alcoholic isn't interested in taking care of themselves, then how can an alcoholic be interested in taking care of their children?

This is very wise Katchie. When one of my friends pointed out to me how would I be able to enforce rules and boundaries on my son as he got older when I couldn't do that with my AH, it didn't take me long to figure out some boundaries then ENFORCE them.

:a115:

If an alcoholic isn't interested in taking care of themselves, then how can an alcoholic be interested in taking care of their children?

I think Zozo has hit the nail on the head here. Alcoholics - and narcissists - can see other people more as appendages than separate independent people. He can't take care of himself and is getting worse. There is little hope that he can understand or be a stable parent.

But, on the other hand, seeing the children for the weeks he has visitation is something; he has not abandoned them.

ShootingStar1

from what you have shared with us, why on earth would you WANT him "more involved"??? he's brought nothing but pain and misery. the less seen of him the better i would think........

It doesn't matter that a snake is a snake. It matters that you treat it like the snake that it is. Getting caught up in whys is a weird exercise at this point.

The dude bites, his bites are toxic and soul-killing.

And so it is.

If xah didn't see his children, he couldn't post his ski photos with them on Facebook. If they didn't stay with him for part of the summer, people wouldn't say 'what a wonderful father he is'. He sees these visits also as what he gets out of the arrangement, and he wants to have a good time. The children are somewhat resentful because they sometimes feel that he isn't doing things to make them happy...he is doing what he does to satisfy his own needs and desires...

I think it is right that as an alcoholic/narcissist, he sees the children as an appendage to himself who can sometimes satisfy his ego and help him put on the appearance that he hasn't abandoned them.

But truly, if he can't be bothered to go to their graduations, buy a thoughtful gift, vacation where they'd like to go, make sure that they had enough food on the table, arrange to be near them and know them...then he really has abandoned them.

I think it very annoying that I still have to ask myself these questions. I am feeling stuck on some level. It is like I know, I go on, but still there's that part of me that longs to figure it out, to fix it, to make it all right.

Maybe my conversation with that fellow got my wheels turning again. He asked me these questions as though I were divorcing a sane person who I could actually work with, talk to, make sense of.

People think if I don't work things out with xah, maybe there is something mean and vindictive in me. But there is no having a conversation with xah, no ability to reason or process with or even figure out. And that is hard for anyone to fathom.

Pippi, check out this site.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) : How to Recognize a Narcissist

My ex, DC15's dad, is a narcissist and this site helped me piece together a lot of his behavior. They lay it out in layman's terms with examples.

This behavior is confusing and confounding for sure, but if he is indeed a narcissist alcoholic, this is who he is and it's never changing. Not with sobriety, and not with therapy (if he'd ever submit to it, which NPD's don't). A snake is a snake is a snake is a snake is a snake.

Maybe just avoid the conversations on dates ya know? - you got years of crazy town with STBXAH. Probably hard for a person to digest on a date night.

Plus date night is for YOU to have fun and get away from all of this.

Hi Pippi,

Couple things:

1. If he was normal and healthy (and operated that way), you would not be divorcing. That is not the case here.

2. Maybe you are realizing what a nightmare you have been living in with AH and that there are many normal healthy men out there. I was stuck for a while b/c I could not figure out why I chose the men I did. What was wrong with ME???? Therapy helped me to realize that I had a "broken picker" and needed to work on myself for a while to identify why that was and how to move forward without making poor choices.

3. The pics are totally in line with A LOT of narcissists out there. You are really lucky to be done with him (for the most part). What is sad is that your kids are stuck with him forever as their dad. As they get older they might have issues with themselves or in romantic relationships because of growing up with his disfunction. You have the pleasure of living and showing them how to live in reality and with integrity that AH can not ever teach them. Ultimately, you and kids are better off away from someone like him.

OK, maybe I missed the train on that one but taking pictures with your kids when you are skying or having some fun time and posting it on social media is something that most parents do. Sounds perfectly normal to me..no???

A nightmare he has been. I didn't realize. I rather thought it was my fault we had problems, because he always said how difficult I was. I heard it so often that I came to believe him. Also, my father was abusive and called me mean names very often, so part of me was ready to hear similar from xah...

Anyway, when this man said last night also that he would have stayed in his unhappy marriage forever, for the presumed benefit of his children, that also struck a chord. I, too, was prepared to tolerate misery from my husband who wasn't much of a husband, for the sake of everyone else in my life. Until he terrified me and the children to such a point we were traumatized.

No, it was good to talk to the fellow last night about things. It wasn't a fun date, exactly, but he was a breathe of fresh air and I appreciate the perspective he lent to my life...I think I will see him again.

Look at what you wrote. Think about how those two thoughts are related.
My father was abusive towards me.
I was prepared to tolerate misery from my husband.

I had similar revelations, Pippi. Keep working on you. You are doing a good job!