I can guarantee you, you will have a much happier future not being beat emotionally, physically and sexually by the person you love. I didn't see an end either. I was even pregnant at one point with this person (I miscarried at almost 4mths, blessing in disguise?? probably)

Love isn't pain. Love isn't living in fear of the other person. Love isn't lying and sneaking and walking around on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. Love isn't a constant state of anxiety and sadness. Love isn't making excuses for the other person's behaviour. Love isn't even feeling all alone. Love isn't having to apologize over and over.

took me awhile to see that.

BrightSide....I cannot tell you what to say to the m an who just might kill you.

Have you thought to let your family know what your final wishes are....just in case?

This is no joking matter. You are playing with life and death--with the level of domestic violence that you have described to us.
You don't want to end up as just another statistic.

dandylion

I know you love him and believe that you can't leave. I too have made decisions about relationships based on fear of being alone in the future.

On that end I can only say that when I did eventually get out if a relationship I had been afraid to leave for that reason, I discovered that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I discovered that I finally had the time to focus on building the one relationship available to me that would never, ever hurt me or let me down: the one I had never before been able to build with myself.

For so long I did not believe that deserved to be treated well in a relationship. This was because I was the daughter of an alcoholic whose behavior dominated our household to the point where not one else was allowed to have feelings, desires, or emotional needs. So I sought out relationships that reinforced that core belief that I was unworthy and deserved to be abused. It was a leap of faith to walk away from the familiar and what I called 'love', but it was only when I did that I could see and understand what healthy relationships looked and felt like. What I had called love was more like a desperate need for validation that I was not good enough.

If you know that this relationship is not healthy but believe you are unable to leave now, then please at least consider talking to a therapist or counselor or going to Al-Anon. There is a lot to learn about alcoholism and abuse and without a support system it is easy to put yourself in a victim's position of helplessness and fear. As dandylion said, you have options. Many options. I know it is hard to see that right now, but they are there. They won't come and rescue you, thou, you have to take an active role in having a better life, both today and in the future.

Sending strength, courage, and patience, and the hope that you will keep an open mind about your situation. Words like "can't" and "never" are very extreme and usually just words we use to convince ourselves that what we fear will happen is set in stone, so I try to avoid them myself. Hugs, friend. There is hope for you, I promise.

I just want to say that you are getting advice from the VERY FIRST people that gave me advice when I came on here....they were very right. Very right.

We DO care and that is why we are telling you these things. I think you may be wrapped up in the same denial I was in. That maybe it's not sooo bad. That is ONLY he would love you, how can you make yourself more loveable, what more can you do to change into the person that HE needs. Because if you were that person, he wouldn't treat you like that......

No. None of that is true. None whatsoever.

I understand that if I don't leave, I will be endangering myself. But I just can't. It's hard to explain. I know he would never hit me or anything like that. I know he has a HUGE problem, but I want to be his loving wife and support him while he gets better. I believe he can get better. I am really just looking for advice on his to confront him, how to explain to him that it's not OK. I have the feelings bottled inside but the words are hard to find. I understand if you all won't want to help me if I don't leave him. I know it's probably a stupid choice. But I don't have much left in this world, and if I leave and something happens to him, I will never forgive myself. So I just can't. I need to stay and work through it, help him get better. If you have any advise on how to do that, I would appreciate it!

Honey, the answer you are getting is that you SHOULD NOT talk to him about this. It will only make him MORE ABUSIVE. I know that first hand. I tried to talk to mine. Wow, things escalated a lot after that.

Talking to them only puts US in more danger. If you don't want to leave, don't. But don't talk to your abuser about not abusing you anymore. That just isn't the thing to do with these people.

Do some research on abuse..I did. The research was frightening. The more educated you become, the more strength you will find within you.

I spent a long time looking for just the right words that would make my abusive ex stop what he was doing. I tried to control his drinking because that was when things got really bad.
Neither of those things was the answer to my problem. The solution was never for me to change him. It was impossible and exhausting and no matter what I said or did, the abuse escalated and the drinking progressed.
The solution was for me to gain enough strength and confidence to leave him and stay gone.
Of course I had many "heart to heart" talks that seemed to improve things temporarily, but those times were short lived and it always got worse. Toward the end even the "heart to heart" talks set him off into a rage.
This man does not treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and no words from you are going to make him see the light. Believe me, I tried, and so did many others here. If it was possible, there would be a sticky called "The Magic Words." It would be the only thread on the forum and have 100 billion thank yous at the bottom.
The answer is not in him, it is in you. What do you need to build your confidence and face your fears? That is what we are about here.
Thank you for posting. Please keep reading. Big hugs.

BrightSide...this is the man who broke down a door and sexually assaulted you, and you have had to call the police.
Of course, he will hit you.

dandylion

No, we will talk to you regardless of what choice you make.....but we are telling you NOT TO TALK TO HIM about this. That's why you come to THESE places. SR is where you come to vent about feelings. We want to be here for you.

I can't tell you what I think you should say, because I don't believe you should talk to him. I think the others feel the same. It just isn't safe. I understand you are saying that he would never hit you, I get it....but I know first hand what happens when you confront an abuser. And yes, bright, you ARE being abused. And yes, bright, he IS an abuser.

So sorry girlie, but that is the sad truth and you are in the middle of something very demeaning, degrading, dangerous, and never-ending.

Please don't talk to him. You can talk to us, but don't talk to him. That is MY advice

Thank you all. Ok I get it, I won't talk to him about it. I will talk to my parents about it, even though I am terrified of what they will think. I don't want them to judge him or me. He just left me a voicemail saying he was sorry but that I should be sorry too. Makes me so angry because I know I didn't do anything wrong! He also invited me to go shopping at bed bath and beyond for stuff for our new house. He knows how excited I was to get the house and decorate it. I won't go shopping with him, I will stay away until he leaves for work. But I'm still unsure if I should pull the plug on the house. I know I probably should, but I don't think I have the guts to.
You are all amazing. Thank you

We will not abandon you based on whether you go or stay. The majority of posters on this board have been in your same or a comparable position. We understand. We care. We are here for you.

It is tempting to believe that if we found the right combination of words, it would have an affect on the behavior of the addict or abuser in our lives. If they only understood truly how it feels when they hurt us, they would stop. We sometimes refer to this as looking to the person who hurt us to be the one to heal us. Many of us have learned that we can only heal ourselves.

Lots of us also believed that our situation, our abuser, or our addict was different, and that others could not understand. It felt safer that way than to hear things that did not jibe with what we wished for our relationships or ourselves. I hope you'll take some time to read through as many threads on this board as you can stand, and please keep posting.

We're here and we get it.

GREAT idea talking to your parents... don't be surprised if they DO judge him though. YOU are their baby girl. They are going to be very concerned for you. But YOU need that support. Do it for YOU. Don't worry about HIM. I can promise you that he is looking out for himself. Don't be surprised if he tries to isolate you even more.

Is your house far from your parents?

Bright side I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand how you feel and you don't want to give up on him because you love him, you think he will get better, that he would never hit you , you want to be a loving wife and support him, I understand I really do. When I first met my ex he was a kind loving man but it very quickly became evident he had an issue with drink and drugs. After every incident t I got the apologies that it would never happen again then in a few days it all began again. 4 weeks before our wedding he hit me, knocking out my teeth, I stayed I loved him, he loved me and I wanted to support him to get better. He never hit me again but he punched walls trashed the house, threw things at me, smashed my window where my 2 month old DS sat underneath. I loved him, knew he could get better, I just needed to be a better wife. He was a heavy binge drinker who also went periods of time without drinking only for him to return to drink worse than ever. 18 years I went through this cycle, he left if I threatened his ability to drink then came home when I compromised,

Oh sweetie, this is NOT a rash decision to leave, it is a necessary decision for your survival. It probably feels impulsive because you may not have believed your instincts or gut feelings for some reason or have been unable to trust yourself.... I have been in that dynamic before. And believing that about myself kept me locked in abusive relationships. Please trust that screaming in your gutt that something is very wrong. It is not impulse your are feeling... It is your gutt. Him changing is for him and his life. Please take care of you and your life. It will be harder down the road if you stay....

And dreams of a house.... A wonderful family and great house.... Having that beautiful dream is never going to happen the way you dream because his actions won't line up to make that a reality. He is using the bed bath and beyond as a tactic to pull you in because he knows you want that. And you do, but it comes with abuse and alcoholism. Don't forget that.

Glad you found this site. It has been a tremendous help for me! And like others have said, no matter what you choose, everyone here will be understanding. Quite literally, most of us can empathize.

Hit post and hadn't finished.

Hunni I know this is hard, my ex was a binge drinker and could go periods of time without drinking then it would start again. staying in my marriage cause me to lose myself, I didn't know who I was, I tried to control him, his drinking, everything became about him, not upsetting or annoying him incase he got angry with me or the kids or he went binging, but he always did and would always apologise and promise the world.

Only he can decide to stop and get help, if he is serious then let him show you, words are easy to say look at his actions. Work on you, this isn't your fault.

You have received a lot of good advise here from very experienced people who have helped me so much, I'm only 10 months out. Seek some counselling for yourself and a safety plan if you do go back, he is very dangerous. Look after yourself and no matter what you decide we will be here to support you

Maybe try and step out of the "happily ever after" fantasy you have regarding this relationship. The modern fairy tale that involves an alcoholic doesn't have a happy ending.

He was an alcoholic long before you came along, you just were not aware of that very important fact. You are not his savior no matter what fantasy you try and tell yourself. You leaving really does not have any impact on his drinking at all. Just like you staying doesn't have an impact on his drinking, he's proven that to you several times now, what more proof do you need?

We are only as sick as our secrets, you bind yourself in shame and embarrassment because you keep it all inside. Telling your parents will be freeing and opening yourself up for real true love and support. Not the empty words of an alcoholic who keeps on saying he's going to quit for good THIS TIME.

Justifying to yourself that he hasn't hit you doesn't erase the demoralizing of you by pouring beer all over you in front of a crowd or breaking down a door because he wanted his way to say he was sorry. People wanting to quit drinking don't do those kind of things. They actually stop talking and go do what will help them quit, AA, detox, rehab.

Much like alcohism is progressive so is abuse.

After you open up and get honest with yourself and others I'd look into therapy, counseling so that never again would any of what he's said and done ever be acceptable to you by him or anyone else.

A good predictor of someones future behavior is with their past behavior.

How many more sorry's and repeated behavior do you need to hear/witness from this guy?
How many more chances are you willing to risk your life to give him?

What you have experienced with this guy is anything but love no matter what you try and tell yourself.

Deep down you already know the truth, it's just hard accepting it.

"the therapist told him he didn't have a problem, so he stopped going."

Honey, most likely this did not happen. This is just what he told you. They lie.

My ex was a binge drinker. I regret staying as long as I did. I knew very quickly that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying him.

So, I talked to my parents. It was really hard, a lot of crying. But I'm glad I opened up to them about it. They said a lot of similar things you all have, which is comforting. I did also call my husband, I had 2 missed call from him which I know isn't a lot, but I never not answer. I told him that I wasn't coming back tonight and that I need some time to think things through. He asked me to come home so that he could give me a hug. I told him no. I told him that I love him very much and that I don't want to give up on us but that I'm not coming home until I figure things out. He was very understanding and calm about it. After we hung up he sent me a link for local marriage counselors and said he's willing to do anything to save our marriage. I haven't told him that I'm not closing on the house yet, I think that can wait for another day. And I'm still unsure about that decision .This is a good thing right? That he is willing to get help?

Good for you for opening up to your parents, my friend. That was extremely brave.

Try to keep your expectations in check over what he says. I try to pay more attention to what people do than to what they say. Actions speak louder than words. Many people have experienced the addicts and/or abusers in their lives saying whatever they think we want to hear in order to maintain the status quo, only to back off these promises when the loved returns home and things 'get back to normal.' Now is the time to trust what you see, pay attention to your own hesitations and doubts, and keep close to people who love and support you. Hugs.