The in-laws often really don't have a clue what really goes on.

Here's something else I've learned, though--whether the kids are "good" and respectful and well-behaved isn't always a reflection of what kind of parenting they got. I worked as a prosecutor for 22 years and have seen kids, who were apparently very well raised by fine parents yet went completely off the rails. And I've seen kids raised under horrible conditions who turn out to be model citizens. There's no reason for either parent to take all the credit or blame for how kids turn out. Good parenting helps, bad parenting hurts, but it's more involved than that.

Katchie, I understand how you feel--seriously, I do--but I think the more secure you feel about your own life (which will come in time) the less you will stress over how people view him.

I shouldn't have said anything that even remotely sounded as if I worry he takes credit for anything regarding our sons. Thats not it. It's my own stuckness -- not a real word but hope it gets the message across. I'm not even good getting what I think across nor is there really time to type it all with fully expression and meaning. It's like a game I play all alone. Anyway, I'll get over it, this is temporary

katchie, no matter how good your boys are, they HAVE been affected by living with alcoholism. and yet you still look to the AH to step up to the PARENT role: I asked AH to please have a talk with him about his disrespect. you asked the King of Disrespect to talk to his son about being disrespectful.

He said he would do that, but I knew he wouldn't and now we are home and sure enough, just like I knew, I wasted my breath because he hasn't done a darn thing.

because he doesn't have a damn CLUE in how to address this. he's not a role model, he has nothing to offer in how to be a grown up.

No, I think I know what you mean. His getting sober doesn't make everything feel hunky-dory for you.

Hopefully it IS temporary. If you find it's lingering for an unreasonably long time, step work might help you untangle some of the threads of what's eating at you.

I used to get angry at AH's brief sober interludes because I was walking on eggshells. He didn't want to discuss anything having to do with alcoholism, he just wanted to enjoy his sober time. I can understand that but it felt like I was expected to sweep everything under the rug. I couldn't have discussions with him when he was drinking and then I felt I couldn't have discussions when he was sober either. I felt like I was always repressing everything.

Yes yes and yes! I don't know how to deal with that feeling.

Yes mam.. I called my neighbor to go on a cold walk and I told her I set myself up for disappointment by expecting him to parent. I knew he wouldnt. It's my fault I didn't do it myself. At the same time I can't handle this young man and really need help.

I am angry with my A who claims he hasn't drank in 4weeks(but smokes pot everyday)because he takes no responsibility for anything. And everyone feels sorry for him and thinks he is so fun and sweet. They don't have any idea what I have dealt with.

To me its the perpetual roller coaster that gets old real quick. When drinking they are impossible. When Sober there is no dissuasion of the drinking phases because hey, they aren't drinking now! Then it is deflected on you, YOU who always has to stir up sh!t when everything is going just fine (aka "I'm not drinking now get off my back. Why do YOU always have to make things awful? Nothing will ever make YOU happy"). The A still driving the boat. Sober for a time, then drinking again. Never really doing anything to support the mental aspect of recovery or long term sobriety. Up down up down up down.

Sounds to me like a good cop bad cop scenario in your home. Dad is going to be the good cop and I don't see that changing. If he can buy a pass its much easier than actually copping to his bad behavior. My parents have always done the same and still do at 80 years old. I loved it when I was younger. As an adult it pisses me off, and I don't want their "gifts" given in exchange of saying "I'm sorry" or "thank you" . I'm happy to say I reached a point years ago where I couldn't be bought. Your kids will get there.

I don't really think you are pissed that he is "sober".

Amen..totally explains it all!

Redatlanta, that is exactly how it is in my home. I'm actually very concerned with how much money AH gave the boys secretly as a Christmas gift. I thought he was giving them a small amount but when I saw my eldest open his money card I about crapped my pants. I haven't even asked how much yet. He is so stinking irresponsible.

DBL post

Yes, this. I stopped asking my AH to step in and speak to our son. I once asked him to talk to him about sex stuff, after I had talked to my son about some puberty stuff he was hitting, and he said, "Ah, Sounds like you covered it ok." At that point, I knew he wasn't going to bother to give the man's perspective and have that father/son talk. I had to do that, just like I've had to do most of the parenting (not all, I have to give him credit for some things like giving me the sperm to conceive, LOL....Ok, I'm in a punchy mood this AM).

Anyway, Katchie, I have felt exactly as you do and it, quite honestly, is like a bunch of unnamed emotions that come up and and then roll out and then become something else. Like resentment, anger, and frustration turn into sadness, guilt, and self-doubt, etc. And, then they all roll together into one big ball and smack right into me and I don't know my up from my down.

Journaling has always helped me, calling my sponsor, and getting to a meeting, too. Also, my AH takes the credit for how our son turned out. People praise him for having such a great kid and how friendly he is and how good his manners are, etc. AH will sit there with a look of pride on his face, smirk at me, and then slap our son on the back and give him an attaboy completely dismissing my presence.

He once told me that he wanted to raise our son to be a man of integrity, just like he is. He said this about 4 months after he had lied to the DMV judge about how his interlock device locked him out twice for blowing a .15 BAC. Yep, he knows all about integrity, just ask him.....ugh! Someone who is capable of lying to a judge and then presented false evidence to them has integrity?

Others here on the board have told me that actions speak louder than words. Keep watching your husband and just step back. Enjoy the good he offers today and take it one day a time. You don't know what things will look like in 6 months or a year so just do the best you can with your 'today'. It's the one thing that keeps me going, the fact that I don't have to live in the future, I only have to tackle what needs to be done today. HUGS!

My 38 cents coming from "the other side." Nothing particularly insightful to add but yes, your anger is quite justifiable. You picked up the pieces, dealt with the crap while he was drinking, and likely nobody fully saw what you were going through to its fullest extent. Likely you were too busy dealing with handling things to deal with your own stuff. I'll never forget time after time while going through an outpatient program hearing other A's ask staff "how long will it take friends and family to forgive me?" The ballpark answer (which I have no idea whether it was based on any truth) was- take the number of years you were drinking and it will take at LEAST that many years of you being sober for forgiveness. Now that said if nothing else I felt like that was a decent window into the fact that friends and family are good and angry and it'll take a LONG time for you to process and deal with your side which you are quite justified in feeling.

Peace,

Cookies

I think the tendency to blame alcohol for all of one s/o's bad behavior is quite common. Its a real kicker to discover that many of the bad behaviors is WHO THE PERSON IS. I will say that in time, maybe not now but in time your kids WILL realize and appreciate how much you contributed to their upbringing. My Dad was an A for a time. My Mom did most of the parenting which included being the bad cop. As an adult I've come to appreciate her. Unfortunately you aren't likely to get your validation on your parenting instantly though. Processing through what is your husband truly vs. behavior related to drinking is a wily beast. Be kind to yourself in the process:-)

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

Katchie,

Years ago I posted because when I was very angry about my husband not drinking. Our situations were a little different, but very similar too. One post in particular was so helpful to me. It was about not being obligate to make choices based on what he does. I'm going to paste the link here so you can read the whole post. I'm not sure if it will resonate with you or not but I still go back and read it sometimes. Thinking of you....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2337021

I feel like we r living the same life!!

EXACTLY!

Thank you so much for this. Yes, it still comes back to being controlled by 'drunk AH' or 'not drinking AH', I wont say 'sober' as that isn't the right word.

All on the A's terms. Dictating what can and cannot be said. Still deflecting responsibility of their issues.

A whole load of lights have just gone on in my head.

Thumper, thank you for directing me to that piece. It is very insightful. I haven't given myself permission to feel anything for a very long time.