Thumper

Can I post an intro here? Hope so

I've read so much on this forum over the last week. There are a lot of good people here and so many posts that touched me.

I am in the middle of a mess. I've been with my husband 16 years, married for 11 years. We have four young boys that are really my only priority. Looking back he's been an alcoholic that entire time. Patterns have changed, there have been better and worse times, but the drinking was always there, and always first. A couple weeks ago I came to my breaking point and started the motions for divorce. A few days after that he checked into a hospital to detox and is now in the middle of a 3 week treatment program. This is his first time through treatment.

He insists he loves me and the kids and will do whatever he needs to do to keep the family together. After hours of endless discussion and all the feelings I'm sure most of you can guess, I agreed to him coming back home - us doing 2 months of counseling and then deciding to either continue counseling or finalize the divorce. I wanted to stick with my plans for the temporary legal agreements that would give me the house (so I could make him leave if he started drinking again) custody of the kids, and child support (which if he was living in the house would not make any difference other then to force him to work). That initial court date just feels like a safety net or that I'm not being totally over taken......although I guess that is ridiculous and was probably the wrong thing to do.

Anyway - things are going well with treatment I guess - and then yesterday he up and tells me he contacted a lawyer and he was going to fight me for the house, full custody, child support, spousal support. *Both* of our attorney's felt that he has a good chance of winning. If he finishes treatment he's not drinking, and because I work full time and he watched the boys during the day it would be consistent blah blah blah. He wants me to withdraw my petition. I don't even think he feels that is the best thing for the kids he'd just do it to manipulate me - and not pay that child support. I was doubtful counseling would make any difference before but now hate and despise him more then I thought possible. I had maybe a thimbleful of trust before and that has evaporated.

What a disaster. I'm so scared now. I don't know what to do. I'm actually equally as mad at him for being in treatment as I am about his drinking because if he was still drinking I could walk away without a second thought or worry. I hate him for doing this to me. I hate him for being so pitiful and self serving and he really believes that because he's been sober 10 days and promises to not drink again - that it just erases all bad things. That I should morph into a loving and supportive wife that only has positive sunshiny things to say about us and our future. That I am the one ruining this family be cause I do not see a future for us.

There is my novel. Not even a question in there. I'll be briefer in the future and will probably have an actual question sometimes soon.

Oh - I did go to my first al anon meeting this week. I'll go again next week and I think I'm a few years to late.

catlovermi

Welcome Thumper, and hugs to you. You are in a painful place.

In my recovery path, one of the great accomplishments in my life has been in giving myself permissions I wouldn't previously have given myself. Permission, for example, to feel what I genuinely feel without second-guessing my feelings. Permission to look at facts and see what IS THERE, not what somebody tells me is there. Permission to look out for myself and not allow toxic influences to remain active near me. Permission to draw a line in the sand, and hold the line. Permission to make a tough decision. Permission to wait until I feel I'm ready for something. All sorts of permissions, looking out for MY best interests.

I'd just like to point out permissions, in light of the highlighted quote I selected. I'd encourage you to give yourself permissions. For example, you have sustained years of damage due to his drinking. You are actually free to walk away right now, due to THAT, even if he does engage in treatment. You are free to be angry because ten days of abstaining does not erase years of damage. You have BEEN that loving and supportive wife all those years, and don't owe him any promises out into the future. You can give yourself permission to see that ultimately alcoholism damaged the family enough to the point of disruption, not you. Allow yourself the effects of history, not just ten days, and be fair to yourself what you should own, and what isn't yours to own.

Part of true recovery for an addict is also a change in attitude, a shift away from self-centered thinking and behaviors, a willingness to look inside and remedy not only a substance addiction but also the damage that ensued.

You are free to distance yourself from this process until you, YOU, feel comfortable seeing and feeling whether "recovery" will result in your life being compatible with a person. You don't have to stand in the raining shrapnel; you can stand well apart physically, emotionally, legally and see if "recovery" results in something you wish to integrate into your life.

Alcoholism is a systems disease; it weakens and distorts not only the alcoholic, but the people in their life. Therefore recovery from alcoholism is required from all these people.

Recovery for a loved one of an addict entails learning to find your center, and protect yourself from damaging people and behaviors - learning to give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to foster good mental health in yourself and manage your environment (people, places, and things) to ensure a healthy place for yourself and your kids.

You are free to make your own choices - what is healthy for you and your kids, regardless what he does or doesn't do in his "recovery." (in quotes because the only way to see if it's real is to take time and see what results - the proof is in the pudding, and that just takes time to establish a track record one way or another about whether a person will truly embrace fundamental change in their life and attitudes)

You are not obligated to make any of your choices based on what he does. You are of course free to consider what he does as you decide your choices, but the choices are yours to make. You are only hostage to his choices and attitudes if you submit yourself to them.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Still Waters

My gut reaction would be not to back down and withdraw the petition. His reaction right now isn't looking very recovery-like, so I'd continue the path I was on unless something changes.

And it's just another manipulation tactic on his part, I'm so sick and tired of my AH trying to control me - it makes me mad when yours does the controlling thing too!

bluejay6

Hi Thumper and WELCOME.

If he has been an alcoholic for 16 years and sober for only 3 weeks (maybe), then I'd bet money that in a short time he is going to be drinking again. Just my hunch.

If I were in your position, I would at least drag my feet a bit about all the legal matters, for it will all turn on a dime when he picks up again. (The statistics lean strongly in that direction).

I would have on me at all times a tiny tape recorder, just in case you meet up with him when he is in a drunken state.

I know there are many here who have much more experience in these legal matters than I. They will offer good advice to help you protect yourself and your children's welfare.

You are in a battle with his disease, so put on your warrior armor.

Glad you are here,
Bluejay

naive

hi thumper-

if i understand correctly, his current sobriety is a result of your petition for separation.

therefore, it is not because he has hit his bottom and decided he's finished with alcohol.

therefore, it is quite unlikely that he will remain sober.

if he's anything like my xABF, he'll be sober for a bit, then start drinking and lying about it. obviously, the stakes are high now and he can't openly drink now.

you could take a wait and see attitude and i don't think you'll be waiting long. however, this is unhealthy for your state of mind, plus it puts you in a position of being the "booze police" and trying to figure/entrap him...not healthy.

i understand that the stakes are high with the 4 children. i'm sorry you're in this situation. 10 days sober is not very much and he's in a high pressure situation and addicts tend to turn to the bottle when under pressure.

naive

Gypsy Feet

I just want to offer you an e-hug, what a scary place for you to be in. It will get better. Keep posting here, pop over to the "codependency" thread in the newcomers daily inspirations thread, and just believe that life has a purpose for you and your children, and that you all deserve to be in a loving, safe environment. You will get there.

Jadmack25

So 10 days of not drinking now totally negates 16 years of alcohol abuse and all the c**p that has caused your and your kids? Proof positive that he is nowhere near real recovery. It is a bad time for you, but at least you still have a brain and his is still frazzled from those 16 years that he wants to cut out of existence.

I doubt about his not drinking for very long, just as other posters do because of our own experiences living with addicted people.

I can't see how you being the one working to provide for the family will count against you legally, especially if he has not worked or has been incapable of doing so.

Hang in there and do as you need right now, and let the future show what the reality is. Either he will continue this manipulating and then begin his old way of life or get the message of real sobriety.
Only when you know what the true story is to be can you make your decisions.

The first priority are your kids, and whereas you have them in mind, he does not: other than as pawns in his legal game.

God bless

Janitw

Hello Cat and welcome here to SR....click on any of our names to read our histories ok.

First... if he is in treatment they would not advise him to do anything legal or otherwise....not for at least a year....why???? Because he is very .... what they call wet brained....he is still no way near thinking clearly....which doesn't do well with decision making in any way.

Second....if your AH threatens or manipulates like this again ....consider having him committed.....or let him know that you are thinking about the legalities of it....

this ought to shut his mouth.

JMHO

Janitw

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family Thumper!

Please post and read as much as needed. We recommend the sticky posts at the top of the forum. They contain som of our stories and our recommendations.

I think our friends here have already offered some good advise. I really appreciate the post by CatloverMi, and this part in particular:

In my recovery path, one of the great accomplishments in my life has been in giving myself permissions I wouldn't previously have given myself. Permission, for example, to feel what I genuinely feel without second-guessing my feelings. Permission to look at facts and see what IS THERE, not what somebody tells me is there. Permission to look out for myself and not allow toxic influences to remain active near me. Permission to draw a line in the sand, and hold the line. Permission to make a tough decision. Permission to wait until I feel I'm ready for something. All sorts of permissions, looking out for MY best interests.

I'd just like to point out permissions, in light of the highlighted quote I selected. I'd encourage you to give yourself permissions. For example, you have sustained years of damage due to his drinking. You are actually free to walk away right now, due to THAT, even if he does engage in treatment. You are free to be angry because ten days of abstaining does not erase years of damage. You have BEEN that loving and supportive wife all those years, and don't owe him any promises out into the future. You can give yourself permission to see that ultimately alcoholism damaged the family enough to the point of disruption, not you. Allow yourself the effects of history, not just ten days, and be fair to yourself what you should own, and what isn't yours to own.

Welcome :ghug3

Thumper

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've read them all - a couple of times - and will read them again. I post at work so time is limited - can't do individual replies today. I read a lot at this site, I'm so glad I found it. It feels like a life line right now.

fluffyflea

He's just threatening you, carry on with what you are doing. He won't be sober long.

Ngaire

splendra

(((((Thumper)))))

Well obviously the choir you are preaching to isn't scared of the song your guy is singing. I hope you can gather some strength here.

I want to appoint anvilhead to be the lead singer here:

. LOL anvil...

steve11694

High probability he entered treatment only to try to legally counter divorce petition. Good thing is that since he entered treatment he in effect admitted alcoholism.

Speak with an attorney experienced in dealing with defendant alcoholics. I would venture to guess that any one of a multitude of experienced in alcoholism expert witnesses could knock down his credibility and cast significant doubt on a few days of sobriety after 16 years of booze antics. Who knows, perhaps it was an attorney that advised him to enter treatment