I heard a lot of stuff from my ex when he was still active (mostly that all these AA guys were still married and being married increased chances of recovery blah blah blah) and how I'm a horrible person blah blah blah. That was clearly manipulation. That stopped when he got sober/recovery. He might still think it but he no longer says it to me but years have passed.

There was also the issue of him not seeing the kids, not talking to the kids etc. Even after recovery. I agreed to do a phone interview with his counselor once (we were already divorced and mostly no contact). The counselor asked what I needed and I said I needed him to answer the phone when his kids called. The counselor tried to explain that it is hard for him to talk to the kids, triggered anxiety, etc. (He see's them for one or two weeks a year now - but that isn't enough.)

Really - I don't give a damn. I don't care what is or is not hard for him. You suck it up and you parent - or not. I don't really care about the whys. I have four kids that suffer. He takes his hurt, depression, pain, anxiety, and emotional issues and he hands it to his kids so he feels better.

"The alcoholic parent is not satisfied with his own childhood," Bly says, using the bruised rhetoric of recovery. "He wants yours too." When the father vanishes into alcohol, the son lingers and lingers, searching for a lost part of himself.

He has a 15yo, 13yo, and two 8yo's - and that is his legacy to them. I stand in the face of it every day drowning in the fall out.

That is the bottom line. I've accepted that. The kids have accepted it too but I suspect their acceptance is a lot different from mine because I know it isn't about me/them. He is who he is and does what he needs to do to stay sober I guess but he gets zero sympathy from me. His kids are paying the price. I maintain limited contact and when he does call I say one sentence and hand the phone off. If he comes to the house to visit I work a lot. I will never ever look at him as the same man I married because I will never ever ever have respect or love for that kind of person.

ladyscribbler made a very good post in another thread....essentially, saying that the recommended 6mo. to a year is, in reality, a tool to allow you to detach from the alcoholic so that you can get your own bearing. I think that a "separation" serves the same purpose. Within that year the most usual thing to happen is that the alcoholic is still drinking and behaving in destructive ways....or, has moved on to someone or something else.
Of course, there are the ones who really do reach for genuine recovery. When that happens--IT IS SO OBVIOUS! They begin to walk the walk--and, their actions do all the talking.

I believe that your separation is doing what it is supposed to do for you. It is giving you a chance to observe. It is giving you a lot of information to use..as you detach and re=evaluate you life in the l ight of REALITY...not just "hope".

DANDYLION