the holidays and feeling low
 

I feel so unmoored. I used to look forward to t day and now I'm dreading it. I am NC with the ILs. I don't WANT to be NC with FIL or BIL but is it that way by default. My FOO IS pretty dysfunctional, my father is an active A. So I have been limiting my contact with them, as well.

I met my ILs when I first started dating RAH. I was still just a kid at 20 (i know 18 is technically an adult but until age 25 your brain isn't even fully developed so......) When I met them, I saw this family that told each other I love you, that hugged each other. You weren't worthless or good for nothing like in my house. They took me in. I felt closer to them than my own family and I confided in MIL things I never even told my own mother. So when she told me it was my fault RAH was drinking and that I was toxic for him, while I was already beat down as far as I could go on the way home from dropping him at rehab, it was like being adandoned by parental figure s all over again.

So I am sad and lonely. I have no real family anymore and it is painful. I don't work on t day but have volunteered for Christmas. Being alone this thanksgiving is going to suck.

I'm alone on T Day too but I plan to go see latest Hunger Games. I don't mind, I will see kiddos @ Xmas.

Hang in, better days to come. Hugs!

So sorry, Terpgirl. The holidays are hard times, especially in changing times. Hugs.

A few Thanksgivings ago I had to help clean up the aftermath of an IED detonation and then treated myself to a hideous "meal" in the dfac (dining facility) for the benefit of the PAO (public affairs officer) who took our pictures to show how much we were all enjoying ourselves for Stars and Stripes and the respective unit family newsletters. Meanwhile my paranoid personality disorder commander was nowhere to be found and later blamed me for doing "double work" in order to make her look bad.
This year we're getting Chinese takeout and helping my schizophrenic mother dig out her Christmas decorations.
Ignore the calendar date and try to find something good about the day if you can.

Yeah, ladyscribbler!

The worst day in the world is better than the best day in the
suck! I think this is true of any military service, in any era or
conflict.

Find something good about the day----that is EXCELLENT advice.

You know, Terp, days like Thanksgiving are artificial constructs. Just because "everybody" does something doesn't mean that you have to dwell on what they are doing and you happen not to be. In fact, quite a few people spend the day alone without necessarily feeling bereft or having some sad reason for it.

Why not plan a special day--not necessarily Thanksgiving Day--to do something with friends. Something that's a special treat--meeting for lunch or dinner, going to a movie or a play or a concert or a museum or something. I try to plan things a few times a year like that, just to give myself something to look forward to.

I have been dreading all this too. However...
1. I put up my Christmas trees yesterday, and they are beautiful
2. I am going to my sister's house for this holiday. I don't have to even worry about that holiday or anything tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come. We don't have to deal with the "holidays," just "one day at a time."

Will I even get to see my mate at all this holiday season? I don't know. I'll mail him and my mother in law a card and gift each, just like always, and let the chips fall where they may. If either of them invite me, then I'll go see them.

My AH and I are separated and heading for divorce. My IL of 37 years are not talking to me at all. They also blame me for his addiction. Fortunately, I have a lot of family support. But still, I am not in my home and everything has changed. My daughter and I have decided that since everything is so different, we are going to intentionally make everything as different as possible. You need to make a plan to be busy doing something. Go see a movie, volunteer in a homeless shelter, spend the day making Christmas candy, do something that you don't usually do. It still won't be easy but it will be better than spending the day miserable wishing something was what it isn't.

Terp - I understand what you're saying. There is nothing easy about feeling unmoored in the world, and holidays/birthdays etc. can definitely amplify pain and loneliness.

Expressing simple gratitude has helped me in recovery from my own alcoholism and my codependency with my actively alcoholic husband, as well as having realistic expectations. If I expect Thanksgiving to be outstanding when spent with people who broke my heart, I'm going to be disappointed. If it go into it expecting that I'll eat turkey -- that's more realistic.

Realistic expectations, acceptance of what is, and keeping my compass pointed towards serenity and joy keep me going under the insane circumstances that my husband's alcoholism throws my way. Coming on SR to connect with others who understand the struggle helps too.

I am no contact with my in-laws and no contact with my mom. This is the first year that I GET TO (see how I capitalized that there, that's me putting a positive perspective on my situation) choose what I get to do for Thanksgiving. I don't have to worry about anyone's expectations for me or my kids, I can also choose to let go of my own expectations. Thanksgiving means being grateful and stuffing myself full of turkey, potatoes, rolls and all of it covered in gravy. :) I can do all of that without any of my dysfunctional family stuff.

I am very sorry that you're feeling lonely, but if I remember correctly you have some wonderful sorority friends, correct? I am betting that if anyone of those ladies knew that you were planning to spend Thanksgiving alone that they would welcome you to join any of them in a heartbeat. Thanksgiving is totally just another day and we all have choices about how we get to spend each and every day. I hope you choose to be happy. :)

I have my little family, and I'm still struggling. My old therapist said traumatic experiences tend to crop up again the same time of year like our body remembers -- and my first major trauma happened mid-November. I've always wondered why I can't enjoy this time of year, and felt guilty because I don't.

I understand. I'm not feeling bad really but I wish I could just stay in bed the entire day and get up on Friday for the weekend.

It'll be OK. It can only last for 24 hours right? ;)

Hi! I keep trying to talk my 5yo into skipping out on family gatherings and just taking a vacay, but she is really insistent on the family crap. Both sets of her grandparents are lovely, but I have so much anxiety about this time. Ex is a hot mess. That'll get worse until the holidays are over. He won't even be at either big holiday function. Ugh, but the questions. How is he? Where is he? Is he working? Where is he working? Like, can't they call him? Why are they asking me?

Is it wrong to say, "i can't take it, we are going to *vacation spot of choice* for both stupid winter holidays"? Is that too selfish?

I just want to hide in a hole until 2 January. Then it will be safe. I hate this time of year. Hate.

My spontaneous response to you is that of course it is OK. It is fine! Make any tradition you want that brings you and dd peaceful memories. Everyone else can fend for themselves.

But I know it isn't that easy because for some inexplicable reason I do not give myself the same permissions. I feel obligations and guilt. craaaaazy.

We don't celebrate thanksgiving in the UK but I understand how difficult the holidays are, I am dreading christmas!!

I don't have any contact with separated ah family they cut me off basically after AH uncles funeral. I have seen my mil once since then when she told me she would call round regularly and would be there to support me but she wasn't. They haven't even contacted the kids to see how they are!!

I am glad though to be away from the dysfunctional family they hide everything and it's all covered up with I love yous!!

As for my Christmas I plan to spend it with my kids away from his messed up family and mine yes it will be hard and lonely but the kids and I will make the best of it..

Do something nice for you, something you have always wanted to do, I understand the feeling of wanting to hide away in bed until it's all over I'd love to but to get over the hurt and trauma we have to go through it. Try not to think of it as 24 hours that sounds scary to me try to think of it as one hour at a time or even one minute at a time and remember your not awake for all those 24 hours!

Tight hugs

Terp, I understand how you feel. I am not sure if you would want to do this, but there are many elderly people in nursing homes who have no family to visit them and are also feeling lonely. Why not pay a visit to one nearby, bring them some cookies or just go and visit? I'm sure you would feel some reward and they would be overjoyed as well. Also, I'm sure there will be some friends here on SR to get you through that day as well. Change is hard, especially when we long for things to go back to the way they were. But sometimes, change can be a healthy turning point. Hugs to you.

sorry duplicate post deleted

Urg this blows. This USED to be my favorite holiday. We would all trundle down to the water to my lovely grandparents house where there would be cousins and food galore. My one other girl cousin would stay the weekend with my grandparents and we would spend the weekend in the kitchen with my grandmother making piparkukas (latvian Christmas cookies). Always a time of year I looked forward to. My grandfather has since passed and my lovely grandmother is doing poorly at an assisted living.

My big problem is that I have NO FAMILY anymore. No healthy people that will love me and support me unconditionally. And with it being the holidays........I won't even get the good t day food. I'm not cooking a whole turkey just for myself.

Terpgal

God has given us another family - Al-anon. I know I will be at the Alanonathon or Alkathon on TDay.

Last year was very lonely and sad for me. I was written out of the script. But if I'm to be completely honest with myself, I really didn't want to be around them anyway!

I sat in self-pity anyway.

This year it's easier. I had to go through last year to get here.

Also: Boundaries. You say you over-shared with MIL. Its better to talk to God sometimes than tell people all our stuff.

And you talked to her after you dropped off AH at rehab. That was really between AH & you. There was probably a reason you talked to MIL and I would take a look at that, then see what could be done differently in all your relationships going forward.

Also expectations of holidays and memories of earlier times before life piled up on everyone can set us up for self-pity and resentment.

The Truth is, it's really just another day.

If we can't give anything then we can spend time with HP thanking Him for our lives, Alanon, our health, and anything else we have.

And if you can find a way to be of service at your local Alanonathon that would be wonderful.

PS they will be serving turkey gravy stuffing and mashed potatoes at the Alanonathon!
I will bring my famous dessert!

But it's really about Giving.

Thank & Give = Thanksgiving

Oh, yeah, good idea to call Al-Anon central office. There might be a Thanksgiving event in your area.

It is painful. Holidays have always been hard on me because FOO is non existent. I get through it by being grateful. I always joke with my friends that God did not give me a good husband because he gave me fantastic children. :)

I know I sound like a broken record when I discuss having had Stage 4 head and neck cancer but it changes you in such a major way. You suddenly become grateful for what you do have.

Thursday may not be picture perfect for you friend but the reality is the majority of these family gatherings are anxiety filled, fake, alcohol filled and people mindlessly putting up with each others dysfunction for a day. It will come and go. I promise. I have nowhere to go either but I have myself and my children and that is far more valuable to me than anything else.

Had I never gotten ill. I still may have been crying about separated AH leaving, etc...I just cannot allow myself to go there anymore.

I am so sure you have something in your life to be grateful for. It may be small but focus on that. Never let what you want get in the way of seeing what you have.

Happy Thanksgiving friend. It will get better.

I seem to always feel like the contrarian when it came to holidays. Seeing family all year long, holidays I have always looked forward to them as a way to get away. Take a mini vacation as was mentioned. When I was single, I would plan my Thanksgivings and XMas months in advance. Thanksgiving in particular allowed for trips to great places that didn't celebrate that as a holiday so they were fully open for business.

Xmas I would usually spend at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen or I would find one of my elderly neighbors and fix something at their house or bring in firewood or simple easy feel good activities. Or one of my favorites was to go to a senior center and just sit and listen to them tell me stories. Not that the stories were of particular interest, but more because they enjoyed having someone new to show they cared about them.

This was a sticking point for my AGF. I am anti-social. What type of person are you etc etc etc. So after the holidays I'd hear how much she fought with her sister. How much arguing took place, how stressful it was.....and I'd just sit and listen. Finally she'd say, why don't you care I am trying to tell you how bad this was. My calm relaxed vacationed response was. "Why should I be upset? This didn't happen to me. Every year I hear about how miserable you are for the holidays. Why should I expect this to be different?" I went to X this year. It was glorious and peaceful and etc.

After 5 years of this, she finally came to me and said, OK let's try it your way next year.

I said OK....I'll take care of the rest. Please don't decorate, cook, shop or stress up in any manner you are used to. I booked a week at Atlantis in the Bahamas that year. Took her and her daughter.

They were in a **** poor attitude the whole way out there. Daughter was disgusted. Then we got there. It took about 12 hours before it dawned on them that this was nice. No stress, no yelling, no anything. The daughter fell in love with the water park and the indoor aquariums. G/F and I rented a scooter and drove all around the island stopping at every little local haunt we could find. Anything they wanted for fun was there. By day 2 the daughter said "Mom this is the best Thanksgiving I have ever had". She looked at me and mouthed silently "I'm sorry". I responded with a gentle nod and said "No problem. Enjoy my style of holiday".

We get back to life and her sister is nagging at her from the minute she got home....to nag about all the misery of the holidays she had and how dare she abandon her at a family vacation. My G/F let out a big SIGH.

XMas is a little more difficult as any Christian country will be shut down. I personally find that traveling on XMas day is not only cheapest, but you may as well travel on that day as everything else will be closed. Then you start the mini vacation on the 26th. Last year I took them to Washington D.C. for XMas. Her daughter was SO EXCITED to see the stuff she is learning about in her history and social study classes. Mom we just studied Lincoln and his assassination...and now I get to see the actual seat he was sitting in. O M G this is so cool.

If you are able, go to Asia as they are open for business during this time and it is also the slow season. The flight there will be your biggest expense. But it will cost about the same as what you spend shopping for and buying the scores of gifts you are obligated to do by tradition.

I will take this over a stress filled dysfunctional family 500 holiday any day or any year.

Don't stress about stress. Let it go. Enjoy the holiday for YOU!

I am feeling the same way terp. I have never LOVED the holidays anyway. I grew up in a military family so we never lived near our extended family. Every holiday was me, my parents, and my sister. Not those big family gatherings you see in movies, which is what I longed for.

This time last year was great and so much fun for me and AXBF. If you would have told me a year ago that this holiday season my ex would spend the holidays as a homeless heroin addict I would have looked at you like you had 3 heads. I also hate going to gatherings where I am the only single person. This is something I have dealt with most of my adult life (I'm 32) and I get tired of feeling like the outsider and/or having to hear, "So are you seeing anyone?" or "I just don't understand why you're still single." Thanks. Shoot me.

The loneliness that this time of year often brings can be overwhelming. Have you considered volunteering at all? For anything really. I love volunteering, it gives me something to do, something else to focus on, and it feels good knowing I am doing something positive.

Or worse, you go to a family function or a family induced function, only to find that they happen to have a single "friend" that they know would be perfect for you, that is also there. These are worse than blind dates, because you have family members that played a role in this taking place.

I admit I finally got even in a mean way. And I got the point made. I said Mom......I may as well tell you....the reason I'm not married is because I'm gay. You could hear her heart stop pumping for that few seconds. I said OK Not really but you need to STOP with this constant match making. Its embarrassing.

That worked REALLY well.

Sorry mom. But had to finally find the magic lamp here.

the holidays and feeling low
 

Hello,

last 3 times i was not feeling good after celebrating holidays, because i not found a wonderful place where i fully enjoy with families and makes a awesome moments of life. So before going to next holidays i will take a guideline after go there.
If anybody have a knowledge about it ,where to go for it and makes a wonderful moments and don't feel lonely..........

As far as I know there isn't anything Al Anon going on around here (i live in kinda a rural part of the state). Christmas I am working. I WISH I could volunteer to work on Thursday but I am still on orientation so I have to go by that schedule. I will he off orientation next week. Darn. Oh well. I will probably end up at my parents. My father can be aggrivating as all get out but at least my brothers will all be there. It's exceedingly rare to have all 5 of my brothers and me together and I do miss seeing them and their SOs (all of whom I really like)

Terp,

See your brothers. Plan an escape if your boundaries start to quiver. Have a movie schedule in mind, or a good deed of some sort.

There are stores open. Go pick up Toys for Tots, then settle in and people watch. It is your attitude that will set your reality, not all the people you are NC with.