Deja vu
 

Here I am, where I was a year and a half ago, crying and feeling my heart break all over again while RAH (so far as I know) is sleeping like a baby. This is not how someone who cares acts, right? Someone who gives a $hit doesn't go off to bed, leaving their wife to sob while she starts divorce proceedings (and yes, I was exactly here a year and a half ago).

Long story short--he doesn't feel that things were all that bad. He doesn't feel he did anything all that wrong. Yeah, sure, he lied to me about his smoking and drinking for all but the first 6 months of our 18-year marriage, but hey, he stopped drinking and lying over a year ago, and things should be just fine now, right? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? How come I haven't welcomed him w/open arms? How come we still aren't having sex? Just b/c he mocked me for even questioning why money seemed to be missing out of the bank accounts--just b/c he didn't want to get any help b/c "what if I find out I don't like it here?"--just b/c for years he remembered nothing we talked about and told me that these things were "not important enough to commit to memory"--just b/c he has been emotionally unavailable--and on and on. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM??

He is tired of me "throwing things in his face every day." All that stuff is in the past. Why can't I just forget about it and trust him?

This is it. I am done. I've been waiting around the hardware store for over a year now, walking in every once in a while to see if maybe they got some bread in. They didn't. I don't think they ever will.

And it is breaking my heart. Again. I know what I have to do, but I am scared to death and so sad...but the fact that he can go to bed and sleep peacefully, knowing what I'm feeling and what I'm going thru, and the fact that this is far from the first time this scene has played out over the years, is going to be what keeps me going. That, and SR.

Please send me some hugs, you guys. I have to go take a walk and make a cup of tea and try to settle down. I need to wake up for work in 5 hours, assuming I ever get to sleep in the first place.

I can feel your pain. I wish I knew something profound to say to take away your pain. Sometimes life just sucks. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? Know matter which way the marriage goes I have no doubt you will be okay! (((HUGS)))

Please take a big hug from me honey. :hug: I am so sad for you, but so glad you want to talk about what's going on. I've been through this very same thing many years ago and it's torture while it's happening - but we do survive and thrive, I promise.

I have struggled, and continue to do so, wondering if I'm trying to find something outside of me to fix what's wrong inside of me. I do keep my focus on me, where it belongs, but I do live w/him, and I have wondered, on more than one occasion, if he was drinking again. I have seen some increase in responsibility, but not a lot, and he still seems to view AA as a social club. It's like he has done just enough to put out the fire and now figures he can coast.

The last time he claimed to be in recovery (about 5 years ago), he was pretending to go to meetings, and I believed that for 4 more years, even tho I often suspected he was drinking. But hey, he TOLD me he was sober and going to meetings, so I went along with it...and that bought him 4 more years of drinking. So he probably figures this will be enough to buy him several more years, during which he can probably gradually get back to drinking if he's careful. As I say, I already suspect that he is.

People here have told me that real recovery is unmistakable, and I'll know when I see it. I'm pretty sure this is not it.

aw sweetie - i'm sorry. sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing. but it must be done. even if it hurts.

you will be fine. no matter what.

Hugs, honeypig. It's gonna be okay.

Sending you many ((hugs)) and prayers.

It's that dreadful, anxiety-inducing feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop - to confirm that nagging in our gut that something just isn't right. We don't trust ourselves, we don't trust them, and we're constantly waiting in limbo for the bottom to fall out. It's a crappy way to live.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Same situation as you except I don't live with the ABF. You would think it would make it easier not living with him to just let go, but it doesn't. I am on the same roller coaster.

Honeypig, I am so, so sorry. Sending you huge giant ((HUGS)) and lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Let's get together PDQ. We both need to get out of the house and away from all of this crap. I'll message you tomorrow. In the meantime, (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Good luck HOneypig - you will get through it. The silver lining of your approach is that you can know in your gut that you did everything possible to give him every potential chance and you can have peace and no regrets about that. That means something. So you aren't in exactly the same place as you were 18 months ago, even if it feels that way right now.

(I say this based on my own experience as I've just started internalizing this myself since I felt like I should have kicked my A out 18 months ago when I discovered the cheating, but it took me until this summer to do so, and he still ended up with his mistress. But I have no regrets that I gave the marriage a chance and him the chance to declare himself, and he declared himself to be a lying A, so that was that)

SR is here to catch you!

Oh honey pig! I'm so sorry you are hurting! Take a virtual hug from me ((honey pig))!!! It's going to be OK in the end. Take heart knowing that 'this too shall pass' and life will go on and you will be happy and free one day soon. I know, I know...easier said than done. Well, I know that's what I'd say anyway if someone said this stuff to me, LOL! HUGS again! Keep talking here, keep asking for support....we're here for you!

Come on over here and I'll give you a big fat grizzly hug.
You WILL live through this. It won't always feel like this. Promise.

((((hugs))))

You are so wise, you have so much knowledge, you have such a good heart. You just need to do that really, really hard thing and apply all of that to yourself, as if you were helping your best friend.

aww. Such a painful place. Sending many warm thoughts and hugs out to you tonight.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think our paths have crossed at that hardware store.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Big hugs and love coming your way, honeypig, stay strong. You will and can do what's best for you. xx

Hugs to you, try to sleep- the difference between hope and despair is a decent sleep xx

Thank you, everybody. It's off to deliver the bread--I got a couple of hours of sleep, at least, and that'll just have to do for now.

Your warm thoughts and hugs will do so much to get me thru the day. Thanks again.

I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this. Tons of hugs coming your way!

(((Honey pig)))

So sorry. I know that pain--it's not a fun place to be.

(((honeypig))))

You deserve so much more happiness than this. I can relate to your 'looking for something outside of yourself to fix whats inside'. I am so sorry..I know it hurts so much.
hugs...

Honeypig big hugs!!!

You are absolutely within your rights to want to talk things out. He caused the problems its his job to help fix them. As a recovering alcoholic myself I understand the extreme guilt, discomfort and shame that one is faced with when they finally put down the bottle. But, you know what? Too bad for the recovering drunk. I firmly believe it is my responsibilty to help heal the pain and rebuild the trust. That is my responsibility as a wife and mother.

Yo deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. Your husband in my opinion is not honoring you as his wife. I cant imagine your pain right now. But, I do care. Be well. Love yourself and lean on us when the burden gets too heavy.

Honeypig big hug~bottom line if he wants to drink he will nothing you can do~
I told mine to leave best thing I could do for my own sanity~each day I feel myself
getting stronger and the craziness in leaving. We are seeing a counselor but bottom line we both need to work on ourselves first~

Oh honeypig. My RAH was like this too and without his counselor, I don't think we'd of gotten past it. My husband did not understand that his recovery sent me through triggers of his past drinking. Like sitting on the back porch. That was his spot and even though he wasn't drinking, it sent me to that place and I'd start on him. It'd get ugly. We went together to see his lady and we talked about what he felt my problem was and I told them what it was. I ended up walking out in tears because he felt I shouldn't feel that way. I just needed to put things away and have him say, I'm so sorry for everything and acknowledge that the lies, the bad behavior, verbal abuse, the chaos was not my fault and that it was all over.

He could never talk about it Honey because it hurt him. Never mind me but him, it hurt to think about it and talk about it. I dont know what his lady told him after I walked out but he came out 25 minutes later very sorry. The week after, we were talking and came up on the time he was taken out by the cops for the brain scan. He said, I dont want to talk about this!!! OOhhhhh... I need to talk about this!!! I saw it click and he's been doing very well! I'm proud of him!!!

He's had urges to drink that he talks about with his lady. It's normal she says. It's how he deals with them. He says he's tired of hurting himself and tge people he loves.

It sounds like your husband has not taken responsibility for his drinking. Until he can accept all of the carnage he has caused, he will not get better. He has to accept his down falls no matter how much it hurts him. My husband's hurt him deeply and his continuously pushing them away kept him in the bottle.

Tight ((((()))) hugs to you HP. Glad to hear you were able to at least get a little rest.

Awe HP, I send you much love and big hugs!!!!

That always drove me crazy too, that ability to just cut it off and go to sleep. What????
In the end, the resentments were overwhelming me. I could never be w/him again, even if he would be stone cold sober. I don't like who he is. When I realized that, it hit me like a brick and I never turned back.

Breathe. It's going to be ok no matter what you decide.

We love you!!!!

(((((((Honeypig)))))))

I'm so sorry to read this post today. It sounds like you have really taken your time with this decision & that you've done as much as one person can do to fix a relationship by themselves. This is EXACTLY how I felt during that time when RAH was dry/sober but not reallllllly working a program. He continually minimized the damage of his past actions & that is NOT taking accountability. I agree so much with what Box said here:

My RAH was the same way - yes, it hurt him, yes he wanted to just sweep it all under the rug... but that's not something that I could do & also move forward in our relationship. That would be OK for me if we were splitting & going our separate ways I think, but it's not a solid foundation to build a newly healed relationship on, IMO.

Honestly, I could handle the drinking way better than the lies any day (as silly as that may sound). I still question & doubt RAH more than he would like but I told him he's going to have to suck it up & deal with it because trust that was destroyed over many years in many ways is simply not going to be rebuilt in a few weeks or months. I need lots & lots of time & many, many new examples of changed behavior before that knee-jerk reaction is going to just stop. When he relapsed last fall he changed up his AA routine & changed sponsors & I *think* he has helped him to see this side of things better.

Honey, you are STRONG, you have worked your recovery & grown so much! We have seen your growth here at SR & it doesn't surprise me that the person you are now is not tolerant of the person that he is now if he's not experiencing the same kinds of growth in his own recovery.

You deserve to be treated with respect & love & kindness & do not need to settle for anything less than that. :hug:

Sending you strength and peace....so much empathy here. (((HUGS)))

BrokenInPieces, yes, you summed it up. It's the feeling that things aren't right, and the beating myself up b/c I am suspicious and gosh, a good wife would believe her husband, right? Even though all my belief in the past got me nothing but more and more deceit and lies, I still feel this way to some extent. At least now I can identify that it's ridiculous for me to think I owe him trust.

SallyTaylor, yes, I do feel that I've given him a good fair chance. Again, I have a niggling codependent thought of "well, maybe he just needs a little more time", but as I said above, I at least know enough now to realize how foolish that would likely be.

wellington1, I could not agree more--a decent night's sleep and some good food make all the difference. I learned this when my dog died several years ago and the knowledge will doubtless stand me in good stead thru this, too.

happybeingme, thank you especially for your post from "the other side of the street." You and BoxinRotz have both bolstered my feeling that I'm right to expect him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. He seems to feel that he's done enough, and that HE gets to set the timetable for MY recovery. Oh, and also to say what my recovery will entail. Wrong.

FireSprite, once again, it seems our situations have many parallels. It will never cease to amaze me how simply hearing that someone else is or has been in your shoes seems to ease the burden, just by knowing you're not alone.

ALL of you folks--I can feel your hugs and support (especially that grizzly hug, lillamy!). I got thru the workday--I'm glad I have a fair amount of time to myself between stops in which to think or cry or both, as I needed it.

I saw RAH this AM very briefly as I got ready to leave for work. He commented that I didn't sound right when I talked. I said well, a good long cry will do that for you. He claimed to not have known I was crying last night, and that's why he went to bed. He also wants to "talk about things" this afternoon after I'm done at job #2. Quack, quack, super atomic ballistic quack with fringe and sparkles on it!!! There is no possible way to have talked to me and looked at me last night and not known I was crying.

My dear, dear friends, I feel as if I'm taking the first steps out onto a tightrope, high above Niagara Falls. I'm scared and teetering, but with all of you to help me keep my balance, I know I won't fall. :tyou

Oh, and this came in my daily email from The Easier Softer Way, a Buddhist recovery site:
Mindfulness Practice for the Day: Today, don't push the suffering away. Use it as an opportunity to learn. This kind of stuff can almost scare a person, the way it comes along at the exact moment it's needed...

HP, I'm so sorry. You've done the work, you know how this works, you got it.

Divorce can be good news. I know that sounds weird but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That’s never happened – that would be sad. And it’s even sadder to hang on/hold on to someone who probably will never be able to give you the mutual respect needed to keep and make a good marriage last.

Funny you picked the words – DÉJÀ VU – it is a feeling that you’ve already seen or been somewhere, only this time you can pick where it goes from here and write your own script. You no longer want to follow the old one because you are now aware of exactly where it leads you.

Endings are sad, fear grows and grief seems insurmountable but you will not only survive you will thrive!!

((hugs))