Deja vu
 

Here I am, where I was a year and a half ago, crying and feeling my heart break all over again while RAH (so far as I know) is sleeping like a baby. This is not how someone who cares acts, right? Someone who gives a $hit doesn't go off to bed, leaving their wife to sob while she starts divorce proceedings (and yes, I was exactly here a year and a half ago).

Long story short--he doesn't feel that things were all that bad. He doesn't feel he did anything all that wrong. Yeah, sure, he lied to me about his smoking and drinking for all but the first 6 months of our 18-year marriage, but hey, he stopped drinking and lying over a year ago, and things should be just fine now, right? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? How come I haven't welcomed him w/open arms? How come we still aren't having sex? Just b/c he mocked me for even questioning why money seemed to be missing out of the bank accounts--just b/c he didn't want to get any help b/c "what if I find out I don't like it here?"--just b/c for years he remembered nothing we talked about and told me that these things were "not important enough to commit to memory"--just b/c he has been emotionally unavailable--and on and on. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM??

He is tired of me "throwing things in his face every day." All that stuff is in the past. Why can't I just forget about it and trust him?

This is it. I am done. I've been waiting around the hardware store for over a year now, walking in every once in a while to see if maybe they got some bread in. They didn't. I don't think they ever will.

And it is breaking my heart. Again. I know what I have to do, but I am scared to death and so sad...but the fact that he can go to bed and sleep peacefully, knowing what I'm feeling and what I'm going thru, and the fact that this is far from the first time this scene has played out over the years, is going to be what keeps me going. That, and SR.

Please send me some hugs, you guys. I have to go take a walk and make a cup of tea and try to settle down. I need to wake up for work in 5 hours, assuming I ever get to sleep in the first place.

I can feel your pain. I wish I knew something profound to say to take away your pain. Sometimes life just sucks. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? Know matter which way the marriage goes I have no doubt you will be okay! (((HUGS)))

Please take a big hug from me honey. :hug: I am so sad for you, but so glad you want to talk about what's going on. I've been through this very same thing many years ago and it's torture while it's happening - but we do survive and thrive, I promise.

I have struggled, and continue to do so, wondering if I'm trying to find something outside of me to fix what's wrong inside of me. I do keep my focus on me, where it belongs, but I do live w/him, and I have wondered, on more than one occasion, if he was drinking again. I have seen some increase in responsibility, but not a lot, and he still seems to view AA as a social club. It's like he has done just enough to put out the fire and now figures he can coast.

The last time he claimed to be in recovery (about 5 years ago), he was pretending to go to meetings, and I believed that for 4 more years, even tho I often suspected he was drinking. But hey, he TOLD me he was sober and going to meetings, so I went along with it...and that bought him 4 more years of drinking. So he probably figures this will be enough to buy him several more years, during which he can probably gradually get back to drinking if he's careful. As I say, I already suspect that he is.

People here have told me that real recovery is unmistakable, and I'll know when I see it. I'm pretty sure this is not it.

aw sweetie - i'm sorry. sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing. but it must be done. even if it hurts.

you will be fine. no matter what.

Hugs, honeypig. It's gonna be okay.

Sending you many ((hugs)) and prayers.

It's that dreadful, anxiety-inducing feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop - to confirm that nagging in our gut that something just isn't right. We don't trust ourselves, we don't trust them, and we're constantly waiting in limbo for the bottom to fall out. It's a crappy way to live.

(((((((HUGS))))))) Same situation as you except I don't live with the ABF. You would think it would make it easier not living with him to just let go, but it doesn't. I am on the same roller coaster.

Honeypig, I am so, so sorry. Sending you huge giant ((HUGS)) and lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Let's get together PDQ. We both need to get out of the house and away from all of this crap. I'll message you tomorrow. In the meantime, (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Good luck HOneypig - you will get through it. The silver lining of your approach is that you can know in your gut that you did everything possible to give him every potential chance and you can have peace and no regrets about that. That means something. So you aren't in exactly the same place as you were 18 months ago, even if it feels that way right now.

(I say this based on my own experience as I've just started internalizing this myself since I felt like I should have kicked my A out 18 months ago when I discovered the cheating, but it took me until this summer to do so, and he still ended up with his mistress. But I have no regrets that I gave the marriage a chance and him the chance to declare himself, and he declared himself to be a lying A, so that was that)

SR is here to catch you!

Oh honey pig! I'm so sorry you are hurting! Take a virtual hug from me ((honey pig))!!! It's going to be OK in the end. Take heart knowing that 'this too shall pass' and life will go on and you will be happy and free one day soon. I know, I know...easier said than done. Well, I know that's what I'd say anyway if someone said this stuff to me, LOL! HUGS again! Keep talking here, keep asking for support....we're here for you!

Come on over here and I'll give you a big fat grizzly hug.
You WILL live through this. It won't always feel like this. Promise.

((((hugs))))

You are so wise, you have so much knowledge, you have such a good heart. You just need to do that really, really hard thing and apply all of that to yourself, as if you were helping your best friend.

aww. Such a painful place. Sending many warm thoughts and hugs out to you tonight.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think our paths have crossed at that hardware store.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Big hugs and love coming your way, honeypig, stay strong. You will and can do what's best for you. xx

Hugs to you, try to sleep- the difference between hope and despair is a decent sleep xx

Thank you, everybody. It's off to deliver the bread--I got a couple of hours of sleep, at least, and that'll just have to do for now.

Your warm thoughts and hugs will do so much to get me thru the day. Thanks again.

I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this. Tons of hugs coming your way!

(((Honey pig)))

So sorry. I know that pain--it's not a fun place to be.

(((honeypig))))

You deserve so much more happiness than this. I can relate to your 'looking for something outside of yourself to fix whats inside'. I am so sorry..I know it hurts so much.
hugs...