Pls help me with the intensity of the anger
 

Friends,

I last posted over the summer and was in the midst of deciding whether/when to move towards divorce from my separated AH who had moved out in May.

Well after numerous attempts to "work" on the relationship throughout the separation (which involved him repeatedly breaking dates and blowing me off) I finally had enough. I realized I deserved to be treated better and I pulled the plug. I went on vacation, cleared my head, came back and began the steps towards filing.

The drinking had been omnipresent in our marriage, and as I've gone public with the news friends and acquaintances have come out to share their own observations about his drinking, which validated a lot of what I had previously questioned.

So I'm proud to say I've moved past the relentless self-blame, the gymnastics to fix the situation, the doormat-like acceptance of the disrespect and the verbal abuse, and I've accepted the divorce and I don't want him back in any shape or form.

Which is a good thing, as less than a month after the decision he already brought his new girlfriend (the one he had the intense emotional and physical affair with 18 months ago) to meet his family and they are already happy buddy-buddy friends on Twitter, FaceBook etc.

What I am now feeling is this intense burning anger. I literally cannot see straight I am so angry. I'm angry about what happened over the past 6 years. I'm angry about the affair. I'm angry about how long I accepted being treated worse than dog poop on the street. I;m angry that I am left to pick up the pieces of my psyche while he waltzes off to his happy ending with the woman he cheated with and his family and friends are none the wiser.

I'm angry that there seems to be no justice. I'm angry that he seems to be getting away with the abuse and the horrible treatment and I have to clean up the aftershocks that it has left in my life. I"m angry that I never got an apology. I"m angry that my feelings were never acknowledged - not once.

After years of self-blame and taking on all the responsibility for everything that went wrong I am seething with anger. I want to strike out. I want to send the text messages I found last year with his mistress to all his friends and family to show them his true character. I want them to see his mistress/now girlfriend's true character who thought nothing of sleeping with a married man. I want all the hell and pain to be revealed. I want people to see the suffering that was caused.

Instead, life goes on just fine for him - new young fashion model girlfriend with all the perks that entails and he gets to be away from the unfun naggy 41 year old who paid all his bills for 5 years while he was on his ass in the recession.

THis is the first time I've actually felt the anger. I don't know what to do. I want the story to be revealed so that they can't just have the happy ending that they seem hell bent to have.

Please help - anyone who has been through this - how can I get through the anger about the unfairness and the injustice of it all? I know life isn't fair I just can't bear that someone can leave such wreckage in another person's life and walk away without a care in the work about it. I can't fathom it at all.

Any ideas on how to cope?

thank you for listening.

well, you can hurt him, and her, in the ways you mentioned, but would it make you feel better about Yourself?

Anger only hurts you.

I would give myself time to feel it, to vent, to write about it, cry, yell, etc, but eventually you are gonna have to let it go, or it will destroy you.

What he did wasn't right, but that happens everyday to people. If you let it poison your life, he wins.

would you want him back right now?

can you see a therapist for a bit, to work through this, if it is disrupting your life?

Anger is part of the grieving process. It will pass. Maybe you just need to feel it, wallow in it, and then let it go, after you get tired of it hurting you.
I bet its gonna be alright. your own happiness is waiting. you are young! I wish I was 41 again!!!

your pendulum has finally swung from believing it was ALL your fault to seeing the harsh and painful reality of it all. anger is an ok emotion....you just aren't used to it!!! don't fight it, but don't go getting all silly with it either. just sit with it...for now. if you need to beat the crap out of a pillow, do so.....or go chop wood....or stand in your living room and just scream.

what we do not want to do is take OUR anger out on OTHERS.....even if they are the source. we don't want to lower ourselves to some base level and make others our outlets, our victims.

you will find your justice...you will see how much better your life is today now that you are out of the insanity. REGARDLESS of what he does with his life.

it's time to detach completely from whatever is going on with him. time to cut off all forms of contact and updates....

and finally....life isn't FAIR. the scales do not always balance out. bad stuff happens, good stuff happens, it's not personal.

I understand. I was there too. It took me about 3 years to feel "normal" again. Therapy was very helpful.

Oh, your justice will come soon enough by sitting back and letting it all unfold on its own. I believe this....

Do you think that a young fashion model is going to want to just hang out with a man that is drinking and abusing her as he did with you? Do you think his mask will not slowly but surely start to slip off as it did with you? Do you think that her karma will be paid back ten fold? Do you think that she is going to be ecstatic about paying the bills as you did....?

Sit back, work on yourself. So give them six years like you had with him.... And while they are unraveling, you will be building yourself up for so much better.

Be kind to yourself!

I believe that alcoholism, or addiction grows when behind closed doors. It always progresses, but when it is a secret we carry around and don't face, it grows more rapidly, like mold on a week old tuna sandwich (trying to make you smile). So, I do not keep it a secret. I will not keep it a secret. It was a secret too long. As you said, people commented to you about what they themselves observed...

Revenge is NOT a dessert best served cold. Taking your anger out by trying to show that they did you wrong will only make you look like the jealous ex wife.

Once you begin to wrap your mind around that this is not a lose but a blessing. That this other woman is not a winner by any means, and you should be thanking her for taking away your garbage.

You are free of lies and cheating by a man who is not honest, that what she has now.

You are free from his drinking and behaviors, she has those now.

Water seeks its own level, she is as dysfunctional as he is and there will come a time that what ever it is they think they have will all fall apart........by then you will be on much stronger ground.

It's all about controlling your anger towards them and forgiving yourself......when we know better we do better.

Rats - I was hoping you all would tell me it was ok to out the affair and expose them for the creeps that they are.... :-) Seriously, thanks for this wisdom. I know you are all right about what you are advising. I think this is truly the first time I've felt the anger over all the betrayal and disrespect. And betrayal isn't confined to infidelity - it's also the drinking, the lying, and the whole big mess. It makes me wonder -maybe we self-blame to protect ourselves from the anger? Honestly when I discovered the affair I wasn't angry instead I was obsessed with what I did wrong to cause it. Now I look back and think that was crazy! I think getting it out physically is a good idea - I looked online tonight for some women's boxing classes - maybe that would help

I'm so glad you're out of that relationship...and I feel sorry for that unsuspecting fashion model.

People have a way of finding out about cheating/affairs sooner or later. That stuff is hard to stay hidden.

Exercise is great release. I found running, being outside and anything that would get my heart rate up to the point of exhaustion really helpful. It was like if I could physically exhaust myself, then I could release tension and relax. Sleeping was hard since my mind was racing, so I took many hot baths, drank lots of Sleepytime tea and took Lunesta when that failed. Treat your body well.

Hugs

Flavia2 - thank you, I'm so glad too. I have to tell you - it took me 18 months of self-doubt, paralysis, indecision, daily self-blame to get here. And really even longer than that - it is just 18 months ago that the affair was exposed and I was forced to see a sliver of my reality that I had been in denial about for so long. I hope and pray for those of you still in the indecisive stage that you find your wisdom about the right path for you.

MissFixIt - I'm so glad to hear you say that! I was thinking tonight that if i could find some way to just go to a different exercise class each day and exhaust myself maybe that would burn up the emotion. THanks for sharing your recipe with me - I'm gonna try all of it:-)

I really don't think you should "out" the affair, BUT I don't think you should hide it and protect it either. If someone asks, you can say whatever makes you comfortable. Just try not to come across as the jealous ex either. Its your life and if you feel like speaking about it, fine. But don't do it with anger if possible.

I think it is healthy and it is okay to feel anyway that you feel. You swallowed a huge amount of abuse and you sucked it up and made it ok if you could, and made it look ok if it wasn't ok.

Now that you are out of the denial, it is all coming clear to you in a great flood and your feelings are coming to the surface.

We don't have a choice about our emotions; we feel what we feel.

We do have a choice about our actions. I'd say look to your highest self in what you do. After a time, the anger will clear out, and you will find insight from having finally felt those feelings that you repressed for so long.

As for what you do, this is the beginning of the rest of your life, so look toward who you want to become when you choose to act, not backwards to what you endured.

ShootingStar1

when my ex wife ended up with another bloke and i would mentally torture myself, thinking about how she could do this to me, and picturing them both together in bed etc, my anger was huge and it took a long while for me to learn how to stop doing it

i had to try to be happy for her instead of wanting revenge for my hurt,
i read up all about what real love is and found that my love was a selfish love and it doesnt matter what anyone does to me or hurts me i have to just be glad for the times i have had them in my life

this is a tall order i know and i can understand the anger hurt ex partners have but its dangerous to live in the pain of it all
only when i could understand that i was living in the pain could i look to try to stop doing it
so for example
i had to quit facebook so i couldnt check up what she was doing or who was saying what as it hurt me and got me angry
if i would think about her i had to find something else to think about and do things to take my mind off her
it doesnt go away over night and i used my sponsor a lot during these times as someone i could let my hurt out on

it takes hard work and effort but in the end the pain goes away so long as your look in your heart for peace and love

today i feel sorry for my ex i really do as she has lost so much but its her life i only hope one day she can finaly be free from the drink and start to learn how to live a good honest decent life
but sadly some people can not but thats ok as i will try to help them anyway

so why hurt yourself anymore with your own head ? accept it how it is and let it go
writer it all down on paper just how your feel with all your anger and then set fire to it and watch it go up in a puff of smoke
let your feelings go up in that puff of smoke to and make a promise for yourself that from today onwards your not going to let the thoughts hurt you anymore

good luck to you

I'm sorry you had to go through that, desypete. It sounds like you gained some real insight and peace on the other end. It gives me hope that I can get there one day myself. And maybe then I can help someone else like you are helping.

Thank you to the whole community for your helpful advice and counsel. It seems unanimous to do whatever it takes to let it go. I will keep trying - one day at a time...

Sally, I was angry for a long time also. I thought about things, even when I was married sometimes I don't know if I loved him, or wanted to love him, just because he was my husband, or what was it that angered me the most.

In my case I found out that I don't think I loved him, I wanted validation. I wanted him to love me so that I could break him like he broke me.

It was when I realized this, I began to be able to let go.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

I have felt that anger too. It was so intense it scared me and for the same reasons you mentioned: infidelity, drinking, lying, and my own willingness to put up with it for so long.

The good news is you are moving on. The best revenge is a life well lived. I tell myself that a lot to squash my homicidal feelings.

There is peace waiting on the other side of the anger. I found exercise, yoga and journaling to be helpful. Sometimes when my revenge fantasies really flare up I watch Orange is the New Black as a reminder that I am poorly equipped for prison life.

I also believe in karma. Cheating, lying, drinking and who knows what else make a terrible foundation for a relationship.

This might sound really bizarre, but I envy your anger, because I haven't been angry and it's been four months since we split. I have every right to be, I know, but it hasn't happened. That scares me. My therapist and I are working on it. All I feel is sadness and pity and forgiveness. Sure as hell doesn't sound like me. ;)

I have struggled all my life with intense murderous anger. what finally helped me was a concept called the 'anger iceberg'.

In a nutshell it says that anger is a secondary emotion: that other emotions lie beneath it and preceded it. I was then taught a technique called RAIN: Recognize Accept Investigate Non Identify.

it might help all the information is online. I worked on it with a counsellor it's used in anger management courses.

good luck, anger is such a horrible feeling.

G

What's the big deal with coming off as the jealous ex wife? Why is that the worst thing the OP could be? Smh.

Anyway. I'm my experience, he's happy with her because his skeletons are back in the closet. Addiction doesn't stay hidden, and not so long from now, he will be cheating on her with someone else who he can hide his problems from. I should know. I am the second woman who took over my A's chaos after his wife finally had had enough. And then he cheated on me with a younger (hard to even fathom...) woman when he had satisfactorily demolished our relationship. It's part of what he has to do to keep his addiction safe.

So, get mad! It sucks! It's not fair! It's not how your life was supposed to turn out! Feel mad, self-pitying, upset, jealous, spiteful and all of those things that will eat you alive if you don't give yourself a minute to feel. Isn't that what separates us from the As? That instead of numbing, we actually feel? Take pride in the fact that you can handle life and it's ups and downs sober and get through it.

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. It gets better.

I have not had this kind of experience (yet), very sorry to hear you are going through this. The apparent injustice of it is effing galling! I am sitting here angry for you! But, I think you are getting some great advice here. I am a firm believer that the leopard does not change its spots - it is extremely unlikely that he will somehow transition to a happy life from here without recovery.

One of the things that has helped me immensely in dealing with my own anger has been the realization that while I was present for it, the bad behavior was not about me. It angered me that she would treat me like she did - it made me crazy, but I was finally able to let it go when I one day realized IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME. The drama that she stirred up around me, and often drew me into, was just her weird way for her to justify what SHE wanted to do, i.e. drink. Nothing like drama to justify escape and self-medication, and I constantly obliged. She would do something annoying or stupid, I would cause a fuss, which made it ok for her to drink.

I also believe that most of my anger was (and is) really at myself for allowing her to treat me that way, and that my misguided attempts to help her, and continue, which I told myself was the right thing and was due to my altruistic good nature. But I suspect now that instead of doing the right thing, I was trying to avoid confronting my own fears as to what this would mean to my life, and denial that this fate could befall me. Once I saw the drama for what it was - a conscious or unconscious way for her to justify bad behavior, I was able to shift away from being angry at her, and confront my own inability to break free of it. Now that is not to say that letting go of my anger somehow fixed anything or let her off the hook. It just made it clearer to me what was going on, and why it was unacceptable and toxic. It allowed me to embrace the idea that I still do care about her, I just can't abide the alcoholism. This caused me to shift to a profound grief at the loss of the marriage I thought I had, and of course, precious time.

However, it is still not over for me. We are separated, and going to counseling together, and I still find myself getting drawn into arguments, getting miffed at some some passive-aggressive curve ball she throws my way, and still wondering if our marriage can be salvaged. As I write this, I can't help but wonder if I really believe that is possible, or if I am still trying to be the good husband, avoiding the conflict.

As I have only learned myself recently - we all have a part to play. Mine was stuffing that anger at myself. In some weird way, I felt that my anger was somehow necessary to explain why my marriage was failing, that I felt unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship. I heard the unspoken entreaties from our families to make it work, give it a chance - I tried to do the right thing, support her, wanting to believe her when she promised she was done drinking this time, because the alternative was unthinkable. I thought I was being a patient husband, but what I was doing was patting myself on the back for being a good guy, while unwittingly teaching her to lie to me and tell me what I wanted to hear, because that is what brought (temporary) peace. In the moment, I am sure she may have felt sincere in wanting to stop, but not for herself, but to keep our marriage together. By avoiding confrontation, not setting boundaries, not setting consequences, not enforcing them, I set myself up. She was just being the scorpion that an alcoholic is, and I was the apparently willing frog.

I have since accepted that I don't need to be angry to justify my feeling that I don't want to be around her, her thoughtless, cruel, and inconsiderate behavior is sufficient for that. Not everyone has seen that side of her, and while some vindication might be nice, I understand I might not get much - how would anyone else know? I would expect that if/when the day comes when we divorce, there will be those that support her in building a new life, and will forgive her (from their comfortable distance) and will hope she is happy. That is what her family and friends are for, after all. I can't expect or want them to shun or abandon her. Some of them might even blame me. So be it. All I know is, I have done my best, fought the good fight with my heart in the right place as much as I possibly could. I didn't always do the right thing, but I sure tried. I see I have made mistakes, but I have always acted in good faith. I don't need anyone else to validate that, I know in my heart it is true. And I hope that can be good enough for me.

We really can't be surprised at his family's behavior - if you think about it, they may well be quite aware of the problem, but are hoping it will just go away. What are they going to do, call him out on Facebook? Of course not! Even if they are so naive as to believe his problems are over, we all know the power of pretending everything is fine. You might be out of that picture, but they still need to interact with him, and unless he's messing up their lives, who can blame them for hoping he will somehow get it together (maybe if they just be nice to him, he'll stop!). Who knows what they are really saying to each other, or whether anyone really believes the fairy tale? And does it matter?

SallyTaylor......I basically agree with the view that jenibean takes^^^^.

dandylion

Anger isn't a bad emotion. It's an emotion. Like any. It just feels like you have to . But you don't.

The karma bus always hits its stops. It may not always run on our time schedule, but it always hits its stops.

He's your ex. Don't drop to his level. He'll punish himself better than you ever could.

This.....

The karma bus always hits its stops. It may not always run on our time schedule, but it always hits its stops.

You just have to wait for it, and realize that you don't have to contribute to the mess he will become, it will happen on it's own.

Hugs.

I had so much intense anger.
I think my ex is a narcissist. The kids and I were reflecting back anxiety, sadness, worry--that things weren't right. So he'd get mad at us.
When we all adored him, things were as they should be. But we couldn't hold together the image he wanted to project, because we are real people. Individuals who exist outside of his needs. Narcissists don't do the work to become admirable people. They just manipulate people and circumstances to get the applause.

I think when an alcoholic moves on to a relationship that, on the surface, looks great, they're just switching mirrors. They want the world to see man + model girlfriend=everything's great. And bitter ex-wife? Well, she must have been the problem, since everything's fine over here!!

That is enraging. But alcoholism and abuse have their own timetable. If anything, I'd feel compassion for the other woman. She is being used. I don't know if you are dealing with narcissism, immaturity, alcoholism or all three plus--and whether or not his personality would improve in recovery--but if you keep the focus on you, it won't matter either way!

I did a lot of physical work at my house--rage is great for cutting back blackberry canes or hammering nails. Al-anon, therapy, and physical movement did me a lot of good. Martial arts is a great outlet, too!

I think your post is beautifully written, and I think you probably summed up what a lot of people have felt, are feeling, or will feel in the future.

I've not words or advice for you, however, I wonder if the post made you feel worse, better, or the same?

I kept a journal all the way until married; I'm still married and will journal off and on.

Hope that you find the answer you are looking for, and I think it's wonderful you are able to vent and articulate what you are feeling. :D

I totally get where you are coming from. I feel exactly the same. Today I did something "minor" to get back at him, and guess what? I feel horrible because it brought back so many painful memories (it's only been 2 weeks). It probably didn't phase him at all. He probably enjoyed it because now he knows I'm still thinking about him. Please, learn from my mistake, which was a total codie relapse. It wasn't worth it. Hugs

Maybe it will help to cope if you can throw some assumptions out the window. The assumption is often made that the ex will ride off into the sunset with the gorgeous new gf/bf into happiness and bliss.

Well, he is still an alcoholic right? So much for happiness and bliss because until sobriety is part of that glowing picture, the cruelty and verbal abuse will soon start with the new partner. The using and manipulation, the betrayal: it will all be repeated behavior. And of course, you know it won't happen quickly, it will emerge slowly, forming little cracks and chips in the relationship after a time, as it did with yours, and then the little cracks will turn into shattered pieces with more time. Sure, years maybe.The family, usually codependent and in denial, will hope beyond hope that he has changed, so of course they support the new endeavor.

The alcoholic will change jobs, partners, families, locations, hobbies, habits, whatever, in an attempt to escape that one thing that is inside of them that cannot be escaped: the alcoholism. The change cannot be made by any of these scene and costume changes: only complete sobriety will bring about any real change.

Maybe this isn't the best coping mechanism advice, but I think that the best recipe for happiness is the removal of unrealistic expectations from our views of reality. The part where you perceive their happiness as a realistic expectation is the part that hurts, but how realistic is that expectation?

I love this.

I would get on my knees, raise my hands and say "Thank you God I'm almost done with this loser!" Alanon is a wonderful support during the rocky period of divorce. It helps to get physically active (fast walking). Also, sit down and write him a letter about how you really feel (of course, don't send it). Let it rip on paper.