Nothing
 

Has anyone ever felt that there wasn't any way to ever be able to get out of their situation? I don't know what to do. Everything keeps pointing me in the direction that I need to end my life. I honestly think it would be best for everyone if I wasn't here. I am reaching out and searching for any reason to live and I don't have one. Every day all things point to me being a waste of space and a burden and nothing. Has anyone felt these things before?

you are a precious worthy child of the Universe. you deserve every GOOD thing....you simply must allow and embrace all the goodness the Universe has to provide. you MUST be here.

if you cannot believe that, then please, get some help. some guidance. come to believe.

It is hard to believe in yourself, when you are living from storm to storm, with someone screaming nasty things at you.
God does not make mistakes. You are a beautiful light in the world, and you matter. You count. You are worthwhile. You are priceless.
Please get some help. Call your doctor, attend a meeting, call a friend - please get some help.

Nobody would be better off without you. People you don't even know love you. No matter how much things hurt right now, or how badly things are...it will get better.

Call 1-800-273-8255 if you need help or just someone to talk to. I've done it myself. There is no shame, and it may save your life to hear someone that sincerely cares about you.

If you feel that hurting yourself is inevitable, call 911.

I believe I was only here on earth to have my children. And now I cannot provide for them. They will be better without me. My mother hates me. She never wanted me and it doesn't matter how much I try I am wrong. Everything about me is wrong. And my first husband left me and our three kids to be with another woman and he does nothing for his kids but cause problems. My STBXAH I have tried as hard a do can and he never loved me. I did everything I knew to do and it wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough and he always chose other people and other things over me. I am wrong in his eyes also. Everything I do or say is wrong. I am nothing. He has been abusiveness and blames me for all of his problems. I have never tried so hard with anyone and nothing I did was good enough or right. And I have a job but the people there don't like me either. I don't have any friends. And I don't have any family. I don't want my children to live with the embarrassment of having me for a mom. And I can't provide for them. I cannot even pay for has with what I make. If I am not here then my parents will provide for them. If all of these people that are supposed to love me unconditionally think I am nothing and a burden and everything about me is wrong then it must be true.
None of you know me. And if you did you wouldn't like me. No one does. I just want to make sure my kids will be provided for and ok. And this is the only way I can do that. They will suffer too much if I am here.

Searching Peace, please call the number ResignedtoWait gave you, or call 911. We do know you, and we love you. That's not just talk. We've been there too.

Please know that you are a valuable human being regardless of what you believe others think of you.

If all of these people that are supposed to love me unconditionally think I am nothing

key words - supposed to.

baby, the people that you most counted upon were not THERE for you - THEY let you down. they are sick....they cannot possibly see how wonderful you are because they do not see wonderful or goodness anywhere, in anyone.

you brought children into this world. they need you. the world needs you your children would always believe that THEY were somehow damaged and unworthy if YOU choose to leave them.

Been there, done that. I get it. If you really have a plan in place to end your life, please call the number that has already been posted or go to your nearest emergency room.

With that, yes, I get it. I have tried to kill myself 4 times, each time wondering why God just wouldn't take me. I do not believe I am a valuable person. I do not believe I am good enough. On a fundamental level. And I do not know how to change that. I think about killing myself every day. Its just an automatic throught that just pops in there. If I get stressed or angry, or lonely, or tired. It just pops in, yep, Im going to kill myself. Most days I can talk that down and am able to say to myself, "Self, that is just a thought. You do not need to act on it." But there are other times when my stress level exceeds my coping mechanisms and suicide seems like the ONLY way out of the pain. That's when I have attempted. If you are feeling that way right now........please, reach out to someone. Because guess what? Most people who attempt or complete suicide are looking for relief from the pain. Relief is a feeling. You don't have any feelings anymore if you are dead.

Your post hits a scary nerve with me. I have a very good friend that felt the same as you. Just some history on the subject. She married my 1st xhusband who was and alcoholic and treated me and her the exact same why you are being treated. I made her be friends with me whether she liked it or not. I wanted our kids to grow up together and have an extended family. Guess what, she and I are like sisters now. She stayed with him for 20 years while he treated her like total crap. She is a beautiful woman inside and out, will do anything for anybody and he still made her feel like sh**. It is what they do. She has tried to take her life several times. Her daughter, with my ex husband isl like one of my children, and we have tried to make her understand how important she is. She pushes everyone away that tries to befriend her and stand by her. Is that how you feel? Please understand, whether you think so or not,somebody loves you. You have children and they love you unconditionally. You are an important person to someone. You are here for a reason. Girl, my alcoholic boyfriend has left me with so much debt, but, I keep going and going and going. Please keep reading on this site and find out that you are not alone.

Yes, I have felt what you are feeling. This may not be a popular or politically correct answer, but I have given serious consideration to ending my life. The thought crosses my mind at least once a day, and I plan out the entire scenario several times a year.
Sometimes it is the stupidest things that keep me going. Beyond my sons, who really do only have me. My oldest son asked me tonight what I would be doing if he and is brother had not been born (his birthday is coming up and we were talking generally about me giving birth to them). I told him that I would not have bothered to live.
He was incredulous, and I didn't want to glamorize suicide (despite my avatar) so I back pedaled like I was joking, but it was true.
Curiosity has kept me going. What unforeseen moments does life have in store? Thinking the whole thing through to a logical conclusion has kept me going. Who would find my body? What would that do to them? Who would have to clean up the mess?
Realism has kept me going. If I die, my older son's father already died of cancer, where will he go? Who will raise him? My younger son's father is an alcoholic. Where will he go? Who will raise him? My mom suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and I haven't been in contact with my alcoholic father for almost 20 years.
The children of parents who commit suicide are three times more likely to commit suicide than other children.
Sometimes that is all that keeps me going.
Fun fact- I told my VA doc all this and she said, "It's totally normal to have these thoughts, as long as you don't follow through everything will be OK."
Reading this, it seems less than helpful, but I just want you to know you're not alone so I will post it anyway.

There has to be some program where you live to help you provide for your children. I wish I lived near you and I would help. I don't have money or material things, but what I have, I would share. Please know that there are options out there. Please reply back so we know you are ok.

Thank you all for sharing your very personal and private thoughts and feelings. It does help. I'm still here. I have loved my STBXAH my entire life. Since I was eight years old. We have been married for six years and together a little over seven now. He has three children of his own from his first marriage and they manipulate him and play on his guilt over not being with them. He is an alcoholic and abusive, he has anger issues and depression. He has been drinking and has not taken his medicine in a long time. He blames me for all of his problems. He was arrested the night before my daughter graduated high school in May for domestic violence. And he will never forgive me for that. I have given all of myself to him and to this marriage. But nothing I do is enough or good enough. I have tried everything I told him I would so anything to save our marriage. If I have given all I have to give and it still isn't good enough then I will never be good enough. All I have ever wanted is my husband. I have forgiven everything he has done. I don't want a life without him and he doesn't want a life with me. How can I love someone unconditionally with everything I have and them not care if I live or die and think I am nothing. I tried so hard to make him happy. I brought him coffee and ok in bed every morning we were together. I tried to show him how much I love him but he always found fault with me and would blame me for things that I didn't do. I just don't see any point. If I have my all and it wasn't enough, I'll never be enough. I'm already a burden on my kids. They make comments about supporting me when they are older and taking care of me because they know no one else will and I guess they think I'll never be able to take care of myself. I don't want to be a burden on them or anyone. I wanted a family. I wanted someone to love me and want me. And I am not worthy of that. If I was God would have sent someone into my life to love me. But he brought someone into my life that rejects me and let's me know I am worthless and no one would ever want me or care for me. Does anyone think God puts some people on earth to suffer? I don't want to kill myself but I do want to die. I want to stop feeling and stop thinking and for once do something to help my kids instead of hinder them. I just don't understand. It seems like maybe I am supposed to kill myself and that is part of gods plan for my children's path. I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I have burdened all of you with my stupid selfish needs. I am not going to do anything tonight. I'm going to lay down and go to sleep. Because I don't want my kids to be the ones to find me. I truly hate myself as much as my mother and my STBXAH do. I wouldn't be my for end either. I have nothing to offer anyone. I just wish god would let me never wake up again.

You have a lot to offer, and I do not feel burdened by your troubles. I am grateful that you trusted me enough to share them.
I will tell you some things about me now, not to distract from your troubles, but to let you know where I am coming from.
I had a huge problem with basing my self worth on what one sick individual thought of me or the way one sick individual treated me. Whether that person was my alcoholic father or ex or my mentally ill mother or anyone else I happened to encounter.
My mother goes through a phase at least once a year where she decides I am not her "real daughter." She suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and does not believe she has a problem, so chooses not to seek a diagnosis or any form of treatment (sound familiar?). Ok, more honesty. I said "phase." The technical term for this is "psychotic episode."
It is incredibly painful, no matter what I tell myself about mental illness or the 3 c's or any logical explanation of her behavior.
My mother rejects my very existence on a fundamental level at least once a year. How do you NOT take that personally? I know it's a disease, I know she is not on her right mind, doesn't mean it, blah blah blah.
That is hard to take. I do apply alanon principles. I take what I like (the times when she is not psychotic) and leave the rest, but it is very hard to live that way. I don't like doing it. I want a mom like other people have, not a crazy mom who doesn't believe I'm her daughter because she doesn't remember me having a mole on my neck, or thinks my face "looks different" or whatever.
I would not do it if she was not my mother.

Searching peace,

Are you still here right now and reading, I don't know if you are online or not. I felt like this many times. I prayed to just be able to go to sleep and to not wake up.

I remember one time, a long time ago, my DD was 8 then, it was the first time my ex physically abused me. He threw me to the floor and then kicked me in the ribs, told me I was a lazy POS, and then he went to sleep. I was up the entire night cleaning, because I wanted to show how good I could be. I was still up at 2:00am, my 8 yr old daughter came down to the basement, while I was washing clothes, and said, mom, I love you, please don't kill yourself. I remembered that everyday that I just wanted to be done with it.

If you are still up talk to us. If you went to sleep when you get up and read the messages, just know that we all care here for you and love you.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

amy

Yes, my whole life! I feel exactly like you do even right now as I type. I was gonna do it Friday night, but that would just give the satisfaction to both my x and current. My x would get the kids and my current could continue using meth, but now would have a REASON.

Babe, you gotta snap out of this. No one can ever replace their Mommy. EVER! !! And guess what, people are still great parents even broke!! Maybe even better because the kids aren't so damn spoiled. They receive the qualities advantaged kids don't, to be honest. All that matters is that you are a good mother, and it sounds like you are. Get to the dr and get to therapy asap!!

And guess what, I love you, and I don't even know you!! Hugs and prayers!

I think so many people here know exactly what you are going through, and how you are feeling.. I know I myself could have written your post. Perhaps I even did.

I remember the times I slept in the garage in my car with the doors locked. Oh how I wanted to just put a hose into my car with the exhaust and just end it. It didn't work though, lol. I would feel like that for days, still sleeping in my car....

Then one day, I got out of the car, I was still in the deepest depression, still looking at the abyss, but something was different.

I had given up the hope that I could change anything but me. Wow, I couldn't figure that one out. I did have hope, and now all hope is gone, and I am starting to feel better. What is that about?????

The hope that I think I was feeling was expectations of another person. I lost those expectations, and I started to crawl out of the abyss that I allowed myself to get into.

You are a truly magnificent person, you just need to realize that. I see it in you. I am honored to know you, even though it is through a forum.

Thank you for reaching out tonight. It has also helped me because I was sinking into the abyss.

Let us know how you are doing, we really do care.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

I have been where you are. Abuse is insidious. It will creep into your thoughts, actions, behaviors and mindset and destroy you. Eventually their voice becomes your voice, the voice in your head. Maybe the voice that was there all along but it became validated and stronger. That we are not enough, we are less than, etc.

This is ********.

When I wanted to "just not be here anymore", it was because I felt powerless and helpless with my AH whom I felt didn't love me (he said as much!). But when you "just don't see a point", please know that is not about your life. You are worth every good thing that could come your way. You are NOT deserving, nor is anyone, of abuse or mistreatment of any kind.

I wished so much that I could love my AH out of his disease. But he is sick. He cannot fully appreciate nor reciprocate my love for him. My disease tells me that this isn't true - if I just did x or y or z it would work, he would want to change. But it's not about me. If you were able to do something to get your AH sober and stop being abusive, there probably wouldn't be the boards here at SR, because I dare say collectively we've tried it all.

There's a reading in al anon literature somewhere that says something like, "we expect the ones who hurt us to be the ones who heal us." That we can't get bread at the hardware store. This is so frustrating and hard to accept! Just last week I had to realize that myself.

Thank you for posting here and I do hope you are able to find a support system near you, whatever that looks like.

Hugs.

Hi Searching Peace - Welcome to SR

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. If you ever need to, please do bookmark and look through this link - there's a lot of reading there and international numbers for crisis help for suicide.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

You deserve a happy life as much as anyone else :)

I know how hard it is to see beyond the despair of the moment, and to fear it will always be this way...but it won't :)

I was dreadfully unhappy in my 20s...I'm glad I'm still here just about to enter my 50s....I've seen some amazing changes in my life and met some amazing wonderful people on the way.

If you look through the link I posted above you'll see crisis numbers and other forums where you will get dedicated help.

Sometimes it's really hard to find the way forward - but a helping hand, from someone who knows what they're doing, can really help.

Please do keep yourself safe :)

Dee
Moderator
SR

Searching Peace - While yo may not think others think about you or that you are valuable it is not true - I thought about you two days ago wondering how you are doing. You are a valuable member of this forum.

People do choose you, you were chosen for a job, you were chosen by your husband, you have been chosen for many other things but your thoughts right now are clouded by despair and contorting your view of who you are. The problem here is not about what others think about you, but what you think about yourself. Its not accurate. This marriage ending is not a reflection of whether or not you were a good wife, rather, a dangerous situation for you and your children and a dysfunction beyond your power to correct. The problem is your violent STBXAH. You have put the burden of fault on the wrong person.

Who did not have a choice in this matter is your children. They did not choose you. You chose to have them. Their lives will be eternally messed up if you choose to end your life. Its not true that they don't need you, its not true that they will be better off. I am 47 years old, I have at times hated my parents. They are ill and dying and I can't imagine this my life with our them. I think back in younger days when I was disrespectful to them and hateful, and I wish I could take it back I love them so much. This world will not be better off without you in it.

Please reach out to the suicide hotlines they will help you. Its easy for me to say - this too will pass. It WILL.

Many ((((hugs))) and prayers sent your way.

Hey,

I just wanted to add my 5 cents of experience, maybe it will make you feel less alone?

I was married 20 years to an abusive alcoholic. He got inside my head to where I felt worthless and life felt meaningless. I was diagnosed with depression while I was married to him. I was on medication for ten years. But you know what nobody told me?

Depression doesn't just make you feel depressed now. It makes it impossible for you to see the past and the future clearly. It's like someone put a potato sack over your head. You walk around saying "everything in the past is dark, and everything now is dark, and everything as far as I can see into the future is just as bloody dark." Well of course it is -- you've got your head inside a potato sack!!!

When I was in that place -- I didn't want to die particularly, I just wasn't very into living either -- it really was like I was trying to get through the day with a potato sack over my head. And you can't do a darn thing, or get a realistic view of anything, that way.

I wish someone had told me then what I needed to hear: There will come a time when the potato sack is off your head. When that happens, you'll be able to enjoy smelling the flowers and remember fun things that happened and look forward to new adventures. When you're still inside that potato sack, you can't imagine that. But you can tell yourself to take it by faith. That you're not in a spot where you can properly evaluate your situation right now. So let's wait and see what we can do about getting the flippin-flappin potato sack off, shall we?

You are STRONG. You don't see that right now, but anyone who's lived through what you've lived through has an incredible strength. And there will come a day when the potato sack is off your head and you're using that strength for yourself.

I can't add anything new to the discussion so I just wanted to share that when I felt the way you feel right now, I too thought I would feel like that forever.

But I didn't.

With time, with every ounce of effort I could manage, and most importantly one day and one baby step at a time, I got stronger. I grew to love myself and to know that I was enough for me. I learned that what other people -- my crappy boyfriends, even my own mother -- thought or felt about me was insignificant compared to the bottomless depths of love and validation I could bring to myself. It is not easy, but if I could do it, so can you.

You have an SR army behind you. You can do anything.

Sweetie my heart just hurts for you. Know you are valued, you are loved. You are worth so much more than this. The man you love has hurt you deeply. You are grieving for what could have been. I am so sorry. Grief goes through so many stages, but it does come to an ending. Your kids would not be better off without you, they would not.

We love you, we are here for you. This earth is a better place because you are on it.

Tight, tight hugs coming your way!

Thank you all! I'm still here. This morning was worse than last night. But I managed to go into work. It was storming here and lightning and I received a text message saying i needed to pick my son up from football at 3:00. I went and told the people I work with that I had to leave to pick up my children and they said no, I couldn't leave. It is a clothing store. And there were four of them there. So to say they hate me is an understatement. I am 50 and the owner of the store leaves to go to her other stores in other cities and leaves her 19 year old and 21 year old in charge. All of the employees are around that age. I conduct myself professionally and they don't. I do what I am supposed to do and they are rude and disrespectful in front of customers. But it doesn't matter because they are the owners children. I fully expect to be fired when the owner returns.
So I deal with that all day and then at night my STBXAH calls and leaves nasty messages or mean texts. And I try to manage to do the housework and daily things that need to get done.
I am trying to keep going. And you all are helping me so very much! I do feel like a potato sack is over my head. But it feels more like a thick blanket that I cannot breath with it on and cannot seem to pull it off.
I like the analogy of trying to purchase bread at the hardware store. I kept telling myself that today. And surprisingly that did help.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts. I have read them and reread them. It helps.

I just want to really thank you for your post last night. It brought me back to where I was, and also to where I was going again. It got me out of the slump that I got myself back into.

I don't want to make this thread about me. I just want to say that I have had to have contact with my ex again. I went back to drinking to numb myself. When I read your post last night, it was like having cold water thrown in my face. It was a wake up call. I think in a way what I was doing was putting myself down, so when my ex treats me like I don't exist it won't hurt that much.

I would love no contact with him, but right now I am forced to because of ongoing things in the divorce decree.

Your post last night had me doing a lot of thinking today. You made a big difference in my life, and it was for the better. Thank you.

If you need anything, a chat, a hug, or just someone to tell you just how wonderful you are, let me know.

Thanks again,

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
amy

OMG Please just hold on, good things come to those who wait. Something will come your way when it needs to. Big hugs to you. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

searching peace, you are worthy, and worth so much more than you can see from the inside. From your posts, I suspect you are severely depressed and I can only urge you to please seek out a professional to help you.

I have felt that hopeless, helpless feeling, when I couldn't actually move, and at the time knew deep in my soul that my children (then only 5 and 10) would be better off without me. The only thing stopping me at the time was the inability to get off the bed. I even called my sister-in-law to ask her to take them for me. Fortunately I had my magic pills (which I now accept I will be on forever, because I *never* want to feel like that again) and therapy, and am still here eleven years later.

Sometimes life is not even a day at a time, but a moment at a time, and that is ok. Another day under your belt. You had a rough one but you are strong and made it through.

Tight, tight hugs.

searching peace, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I can't provide you with any guidance--and I've felt worthless, less-than, I've wondered what business I have on the planet. It's a terrible place to be.

Like everyone else has said--please look into getting yourself some help and keep the phone numbers that were posted close by.

Even if you have a hard time believing it, you do matter. There are people who are willing to love you just for being you--there's nothing else you need to do. My heart has filled with love for you even though I don't technically know you. I'm so sorry you're suffering. Please stay here at SR with us and let us love you!

Searchingpeace, I am so so sorry for the deep depression that you are feeling - you are worthy and worth so much more than you know.

When I was living with my now XAH of 20 years, and he became more and more abusive, I began to believe his nonsense that I was the root of all the problems. My family was also terribly abusive and blamed me for everything. That just wasn't true.

The truth was that many of MY problems were due to letting such toxic people so far into my heart and soul.

When I began to sort who actually was causing the problems, I began to realize it wasn't me. He was an abusive, rageholic, blame ridden, self centered, narcissistic alcoholic man. When I left him, I began to discover that I could be free of that, and I did have worth, and people did like me.

There is a "sticky" about this - a permanent post that stays at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum page - called "What Abuse Is". English Garden wrote a compelling list of things that abusers do. If when you read it, you see this behavior in your husband and others in your life, then know that the problem is THEM, not YOU. My story is there, and I got out 2 years ago, and I am now living a very happy life on my own.

It may be that other people in your life - perhaps your boss - are also toxic. With all that negativity around you, it is hard not to absorb it and feel that you are its cause. But you aren't.

Maybe the life you are currently living is not worth living. That may be true. However YOU are worthy of being alive. And you can change the life you live.

For me, the first and most important insight was learning to distinguish between "WHAT'S ME" and "WHAT'S NOT ME". It is stepping back just a little when you're in a terribly destructive situation and looking at how each person is behaving. I bet mostly you'll find that he is being rageful, abusive and destructive, and you are trying to please.

That means that HE owns the destructive behavior, not you. You don't have to buy his assessment of YOUR worth.

Once you crack this nut, you will be able to start beliving in yourself. You will be able to start sorting out his behavior from your behavior. You will be able to start defining yourself on your own terms and not swallowing his just because he is so powerful and bellicose and rageful about defining you that way.

You might search for "gaslighting" and Stockholm syndrome" on SoberRecovery and through google. I believe you, like me, have been a victim of this.

Reach out to us here, we are always here for you, round the clock, 24/7. And talk to your pastor, call domestic violence and get a free counsellor and help.

There is a big better happier world out there, and it is yours and mine, all of ours, and we can find it.

ShootingStar1