Hey,

I just wanted to add my 5 cents of experience, maybe it will make you feel less alone?

I was married 20 years to an abusive alcoholic. He got inside my head to where I felt worthless and life felt meaningless. I was diagnosed with depression while I was married to him. I was on medication for ten years. But you know what nobody told me?

Depression doesn't just make you feel depressed now. It makes it impossible for you to see the past and the future clearly. It's like someone put a potato sack over your head. You walk around saying "everything in the past is dark, and everything now is dark, and everything as far as I can see into the future is just as bloody dark." Well of course it is -- you've got your head inside a potato sack!!!

When I was in that place -- I didn't want to die particularly, I just wasn't very into living either -- it really was like I was trying to get through the day with a potato sack over my head. And you can't do a darn thing, or get a realistic view of anything, that way.

I wish someone had told me then what I needed to hear: There will come a time when the potato sack is off your head. When that happens, you'll be able to enjoy smelling the flowers and remember fun things that happened and look forward to new adventures. When you're still inside that potato sack, you can't imagine that. But you can tell yourself to take it by faith. That you're not in a spot where you can properly evaluate your situation right now. So let's wait and see what we can do about getting the flippin-flappin potato sack off, shall we?

You are STRONG. You don't see that right now, but anyone who's lived through what you've lived through has an incredible strength. And there will come a day when the potato sack is off your head and you're using that strength for yourself.

I can't add anything new to the discussion so I just wanted to share that when I felt the way you feel right now, I too thought I would feel like that forever.

But I didn't.

With time, with every ounce of effort I could manage, and most importantly one day and one baby step at a time, I got stronger. I grew to love myself and to know that I was enough for me. I learned that what other people -- my crappy boyfriends, even my own mother -- thought or felt about me was insignificant compared to the bottomless depths of love and validation I could bring to myself. It is not easy, but if I could do it, so can you.

You have an SR army behind you. You can do anything.

Sweetie my heart just hurts for you. Know you are valued, you are loved. You are worth so much more than this. The man you love has hurt you deeply. You are grieving for what could have been. I am so sorry. Grief goes through so many stages, but it does come to an ending. Your kids would not be better off without you, they would not.

We love you, we are here for you. This earth is a better place because you are on it.

Tight, tight hugs coming your way!

Thank you all! I'm still here. This morning was worse than last night. But I managed to go into work. It was storming here and lightning and I received a text message saying i needed to pick my son up from football at 3:00. I went and told the people I work with that I had to leave to pick up my children and they said no, I couldn't leave. It is a clothing store. And there were four of them there. So to say they hate me is an understatement. I am 50 and the owner of the store leaves to go to her other stores in other cities and leaves her 19 year old and 21 year old in charge. All of the employees are around that age. I conduct myself professionally and they don't. I do what I am supposed to do and they are rude and disrespectful in front of customers. But it doesn't matter because they are the owners children. I fully expect to be fired when the owner returns.
So I deal with that all day and then at night my STBXAH calls and leaves nasty messages or mean texts. And I try to manage to do the housework and daily things that need to get done.
I am trying to keep going. And you all are helping me so very much! I do feel like a potato sack is over my head. But it feels more like a thick blanket that I cannot breath with it on and cannot seem to pull it off.
I like the analogy of trying to purchase bread at the hardware store. I kept telling myself that today. And surprisingly that did help.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts. I have read them and reread them. It helps.

I just want to really thank you for your post last night. It brought me back to where I was, and also to where I was going again. It got me out of the slump that I got myself back into.

I don't want to make this thread about me. I just want to say that I have had to have contact with my ex again. I went back to drinking to numb myself. When I read your post last night, it was like having cold water thrown in my face. It was a wake up call. I think in a way what I was doing was putting myself down, so when my ex treats me like I don't exist it won't hurt that much.

I would love no contact with him, but right now I am forced to because of ongoing things in the divorce decree.

Your post last night had me doing a lot of thinking today. You made a big difference in my life, and it was for the better. Thank you.

If you need anything, a chat, a hug, or just someone to tell you just how wonderful you are, let me know.

Thanks again,

((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
amy

OMG Please just hold on, good things come to those who wait. Something will come your way when it needs to. Big hugs to you. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

searching peace, you are worthy, and worth so much more than you can see from the inside. From your posts, I suspect you are severely depressed and I can only urge you to please seek out a professional to help you.

I have felt that hopeless, helpless feeling, when I couldn't actually move, and at the time knew deep in my soul that my children (then only 5 and 10) would be better off without me. The only thing stopping me at the time was the inability to get off the bed. I even called my sister-in-law to ask her to take them for me. Fortunately I had my magic pills (which I now accept I will be on forever, because I *never* want to feel like that again) and therapy, and am still here eleven years later.

Sometimes life is not even a day at a time, but a moment at a time, and that is ok. Another day under your belt. You had a rough one but you are strong and made it through.

Tight, tight hugs.

searching peace, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I can't provide you with any guidance--and I've felt worthless, less-than, I've wondered what business I have on the planet. It's a terrible place to be.

Like everyone else has said--please look into getting yourself some help and keep the phone numbers that were posted close by.

Even if you have a hard time believing it, you do matter. There are people who are willing to love you just for being you--there's nothing else you need to do. My heart has filled with love for you even though I don't technically know you. I'm so sorry you're suffering. Please stay here at SR with us and let us love you!

Searchingpeace, I am so so sorry for the deep depression that you are feeling - you are worthy and worth so much more than you know.

When I was living with my now XAH of 20 years, and he became more and more abusive, I began to believe his nonsense that I was the root of all the problems. My family was also terribly abusive and blamed me for everything. That just wasn't true.

The truth was that many of MY problems were due to letting such toxic people so far into my heart and soul.

When I began to sort who actually was causing the problems, I began to realize it wasn't me. He was an abusive, rageholic, blame ridden, self centered, narcissistic alcoholic man. When I left him, I began to discover that I could be free of that, and I did have worth, and people did like me.

There is a "sticky" about this - a permanent post that stays at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum page - called "What Abuse Is". English Garden wrote a compelling list of things that abusers do. If when you read it, you see this behavior in your husband and others in your life, then know that the problem is THEM, not YOU. My story is there, and I got out 2 years ago, and I am now living a very happy life on my own.

It may be that other people in your life - perhaps your boss - are also toxic. With all that negativity around you, it is hard not to absorb it and feel that you are its cause. But you aren't.

Maybe the life you are currently living is not worth living. That may be true. However YOU are worthy of being alive. And you can change the life you live.

For me, the first and most important insight was learning to distinguish between "WHAT'S ME" and "WHAT'S NOT ME". It is stepping back just a little when you're in a terribly destructive situation and looking at how each person is behaving. I bet mostly you'll find that he is being rageful, abusive and destructive, and you are trying to please.

That means that HE owns the destructive behavior, not you. You don't have to buy his assessment of YOUR worth.

Once you crack this nut, you will be able to start beliving in yourself. You will be able to start sorting out his behavior from your behavior. You will be able to start defining yourself on your own terms and not swallowing his just because he is so powerful and bellicose and rageful about defining you that way.

You might search for "gaslighting" and Stockholm syndrome" on SoberRecovery and through google. I believe you, like me, have been a victim of this.

Reach out to us here, we are always here for you, round the clock, 24/7. And talk to your pastor, call domestic violence and get a free counsellor and help.

There is a big better happier world out there, and it is yours and mine, all of ours, and we can find it.

ShootingStar1

I remember that feeling. Like a thick heavy gray wet blanket. When I think back to those times now, I'm pretty proud of how I managed to get through the day every day. I think you should be, too.

I also remember how everything felt really difficult. Taking a shower. Making a phone call. Making dinner. Cleaning the house. And when I didn't, I put myself down because I didn't have the energy. Which made me feel worse.

I love what Sparklekitty said -- and that's something I told myself every day: I won't always feel like this. That got me through, somehow.

First

Your children will ALWAYS need you
I would give anything to have my mama back.

Second

You don't want to leave that legacy for your children

Third

We DO like you

Get used to it!

I just want to say that you are living in a bad situation and it is basically like wearing crap-colored glasses. You are viewing yourself and the world around you through a dirty window. I felt all of those worthless, awful feelings about myself until I found the strength to get out. I had no friends either. Was it because I am awful and unloveable? No. It was because I didn't like myself. And I didn't like myself because I couldn't respect myself for being treated like crap. Slowly, since I left, I'm becoming a person I LIKE. I see now that I CAN make friends. I was also out of touch with many relatives for several years. I saw a lot of them last weekend and I realized that it's been ME shutting them out. They love me and welcomed me with open arms. You would be amazed at how much better you can feel. You know what? When my separated husband says something out of line to me now, I hang up on him. I no longer retreat to another room feeling sad and sorry for myself. Life doesn't have to be this hard. Believe me.

Thank you everyone. I have read and reread and reread these posts. They help me get through the hour, day. You are all correct. I do not want my kids to feel responsible or have to live with the legacy of this.
I don't know what I'm going to do to get out of the situation I'm in. It is unbearable. But I am going to keep going as long as I can. I do know my children do not deserve any of this. This is all my fault and I don't know how to make it any better.
Thank you all for talking to me and for sharing your personal stories. It truly helps. I'm overwhelmed with everything and I seem to only be attracting negativity and people being nasty to me. Today I made a choice to really try and be extra nice to the people I work with. And they must have made a choice to be extra nasty to me. It is just strange how mean and rude and blatant about they are. I would never treat people that way. But I can't quit. Today was when we got paid. No one have me my check or told me it was there. I saw it by accident when I went I close the store. It was in the office connected to the other store. I took it and didn't say a word. I opened it when I got home and the raise I had gotten had been taken away. Nothing was ever said to me, no one has told me I'm not doing a good job or that I need to improve on anything. Yesterday the power went out and the credit card machine wouldn't work. So I went in this morning and called in the transaction and got an approval code. One of the workers in the other store got angry that I did that (had nothing to do with her) and she must have said something because the 21 yr old daughter came and told me never to do that again. And that she HAD to have a paper print out. So I calmly went to the machine that did work and printed out the ticket for the transaction. Then I asked to talk to her, she never came back. So I wrote down exactly why I wanted to get the approval so the funds would be reserved because the customer at her ok had taken the garment. I left the note on her desk and I know she is going to be angry with me tomorrow because I explained what she didn't understand about HER business. A salesman called today for AT&T and she asked him if the store had AT&T. She had no idea what service the store she is managing for her mom uses. She pays the bills.
Ok I have vented and that felt great! I hate my job! But it is the best I can get. I am waiting, one more week and I know I will be fired when the mom gets back.
I don't like confrontation. And I try not to be rude or mean to anyone ever. But I am definitely attracting negativity. And I don't know how to turn it around. I don't know how to turn any of this situation around. If I loose my job, I won't be able to even put food on the table for the kids. I do think they are trying to get me to quit so they don't have to pay unemployment. I want a calm peaceful happy life that is safe for my kids and me. I want to be able to provide basic needs for my kids. And I'm unable to do any of that. I just think if their dad or my parents had to take care of them because I was gone, they would have all they needed and most of what they wanted. They would have what I will never be able to provide for them.

searching peace, a mother is irreplaceable. Your children only have one. No amount of food on the table can replace their mother.

Your job sounds like it would challenge the patience of a saint. I hate stupidity, and I don't think the fact that some people we have to deal with are both dumb and negative means we attract those "qualities" somehow! Keep your head up.

I'm sorry I didn't see your post before today. I am so low myself, I have nothing to offer you but to lay down in the pain with you. I know in spite of this that God has a plan for all of us. If you have heard of Jesus, and if you believe in him, even a little, let us go to him as he is weeping alone in the garden before they crucify him. He is all alone because everyone he loved has left him. Let us go and ask if we can watch with him one hour. All we can do is offer him our pain, which he gladly accepts. Wrap your arms around him, as he wraps his around you, and loves you more than anyone you have ever know.

I have been exactly where you are. My separated AH walked out on me and a few months after I was diagnosed with Stage 4 head and neck cancer. I had no family. Single mom going through cancer alone...I didnt think of ending my life but I did think of stopping treatment. I thought God was so cruel but in all honesty I can tell you I survived and can survive anything now! I was bedridden at times and so many times my friends here on SR were the only social contact I got. I lay awake many nights just wanting to die.

Honey, you are feeling low and grieving...but please be strong for your children when you cannot be strong enough for yourself. Keep pressing forward each day. Be grateful you can see, hear, taste, touch, etc...My cancer is in remission but I still cannot hear well or taste as a result.

Seek help and support from every available resource and I promise there are good people out there. It was not until I almost died did I find strong faith. God will be there for you when nobody else will. I promised God that if I got better I would not waste my life obsessing over my husband who coudnt see the good woman he married and mother of his child.

I cry thinking of your pain because I was iust there myself. Keep coming on here. We will support you. You are fantastic in some way and deserve happiness. Know your worth!

Searchingpeace - the best defense is a great offense. Surely this is not the only business in your town.

If you want to start turning your life around don't WAIT for bad things to happen. You suspect you will be terminated in a week? You need to get out and find another job. I know that is difficult in your mind set right now - but you have to. This job is terrible anyway the people in this store are horrible people no wonder you feel so distraught!

When you start taking control of your life is when you will start feeling better. I know you cannot control a lot of it - you can't control AH, his attorneys, the court system etc. But you can control getting another job and getting out of that hell hole place.

Hope today is a better day and ((((hug))))